Husband scares kids

[Bexie181088]

My husband has never grown up or been around that many kids and admits that he struggles with the kids (how messy they are, don't listen and are just a bit silly) so he's always telling them off. I'm the opposite I adore kids, let them be silly and make a mess as long as we tidy up after, are kind to each other and feel comfortable in their home. My husband and I often differ on how to parent, I feel like he would want the kids to have an attitude like they're in the army and never put a foot wrong and he thinks I'm too soft. One thing however that upsets me is how he shouts and constantly scares the kids when doing so. I u defat and that kids should be told off when they've been naughty or whatever but I think he could do it in a much nicer way than scaring the life out of them and make them really upset everytime. My son who is 5 says they daddy scares him and I really don't want that to be the case. I tell them off, plenty, but they never get upset they're always just sorry that they've disappointed me. I've ran out of ideas of how to stop my husband from flying off the handle at them over silly little things. Any help or advice would be massively appreciated. I want our kids to grow up in a loving, warm, friendly home and I fear they won't look back and think that.

You've described my dad. I'm 30 now and we do not have a good relationship. My mum was always having to protect us from him, to the point were she actually took the blame if something for broken so he wouldn't shout at us in the way he always did. I struggle with men, I can't be around shouting; don't even really like sporting events because of the noise. If I make a mistake with something and a man doesn't shout at me, I'm still surprised.
I'm also very quick to anger myself, and find it hard to control my own temper. My mum says I was never like that as a child but I got worse as I got older because as I got older, my dad expected more so was even harder on me. My dad was always "how when your school grades" before he would ask "how are you doing". It was all about, as you say, not putting a foot wrong. I still don't like talking to me and if I pop round to my parents house and it's only my dad who is home, I try to find am excuse to leave.

We could never just be kids. We couldn't paint and get mesy because he would shout at us for every mislaid splodge of paint. We couldn't play because we'd be shouted at for the mess and he just didn't understand that it wasn't mess... it was playing games with our toys and we would tidy up after. It wasn't a nice childhood and it has affected long term.

Let your husband read that.

*how are your school grades

Please ignore that poster.

It is not the job of a 5 year old to control their dad's behaviour. They of course should understand that hitting, biting, being mean, deliberately making mess etc is all bad and upsets people. They do not need to learn that playing and painting etc affects their dad badly because that's his problem.

Mykids you think kids should be scared of their parents? That's not healthy. They can have respect and perhaps be concerned how you might react to them doing something wrong but they shouldn't fear you.

It didn't teach you spelling, grammar, and how it's not appropriate to scare kids though did it?

@mykidsaremylife123 you seriously think kids should be scared?

@mykidsaremylife123

What you're describing is actual bad behaviour being curtailed. What OP describes is just children playing, not misbehaving, but being bullied and terrified anyway.

@thefatberg no one ever taught you about dyslexia? Just because you don't agree with someone's point of view doesn't give you any authority to downgrade and pick their faults. Disgusting. Clearly @Mykids has more common courtesy than yourself.

I agree and disagree. A child should think "I shouldn't do that because my parents will be mad" that's healthy. That's respect.

Thinking "OMG how am I ever going to tell my parents I've been abused/something terrible" out of fear of being judged and victom blamed is not healthy.

What is/was your husband’s relationship with his own parents like? Did you discuss parenting styles before having kids? Does he know what your son said? Sorry, I know that’s a lot of questions but you and your husband seem to have very opposing ideas about parenting and I am interested in how that came about.

I could accept the concept of one parent being stricter than the other but for a child to actually voice that he is scared of his dad is pretty sad.

If my husband was scaring my kids then he would be an ex and would have supervised contact only.
As it is we are two adults who agree our boundaries and consequences together.

He is a lovely man but I just don't think that he had any patience for kids. I don't think that he understands that kids make mess sometimes, make mistakes and that they learn through making mistakes and exploring the world. I agree, they need to respect parents but I would be devastated if they were ever scared of me. He gets very stressed very easily, getting out of the house, going shopping with them etc. He's brilliant if he makes an effort to chill out and have fun but my fear is that you shouldn't have to try to have fun and enjoy life with the kids. He says that I don't parent properly so he needs to but we have a far more relaxed time if he's not here which is horrible to say. He gets upset by the way he acts but then it's never enough for him to calm down. He's got such a loud voice that sometimes when he should even I jump so how would a 5 year old and 1 year old feel. I have told him today (as he shouted again after my little boy banged his head on the car again after been told not to once) that the kids will end up fearing him at best and hating him at worst. He feels sorry for himself saying he's a bad dad but then it's not enough for him to think before he bellows. I grew up in a house where my dad and brother hated each other and I fear it will happen all over again

A lovely man deals with their own issues and doesn’t take their stresses out on their kids.
Life with young kids can be stressful and is certainly tiring but that doesn’t give him an excuse to scare the kids. He’s an adult and should be able to control his responses to their behaviour.

Wish I knew the answer OP. Me and OH have different opinions on what's acceptable too. For us it's mostly about noise levels. It often makes me think the kids would be happier if we left him...But I worry I'd make a terrible single parent and .and things worse.

@passmethecrisps He gets on well with his own parents although his dad worked away a lot when he was younger. His mum has cleanliness issues so he won't have been allowed to do certain things like arts and crafts when he was young.
I think he expected himself to be different to how he is he is always usually laid back but lack of sleep and not eating much doesn't sit well with him and makes him grumpy. My little boy changes his mind on his opinion of his dad, sometimes he says he loves him, sometimes he says not but one thing he's always said is that he shouts too much. He doesn't cower when he sees him or anything but gets really upset if he shouts and it's so upsetting to see. He doesn't have loads of confidence and I try so hard to give him some so I get so annoyed when I see with just a few words that his confidence can be beaten. I've told him loads of times what my son says but he just can't control himself. I keep saying to him spilt milk can be cleaned in seconds but a broken spirit can't be but I don't seem to be getting through

If my husband was scaring my kids then he would be an ex and would have supervised contact only.

This.

I grew up scared of my father. He shouted and smacked. I have never heard anyone shout as fiercly as him. As a child I tried to hide from him because I was scared. As a teenager I started shouting back even though I normally respected authority figures. Once we shouted at each other to the point my mother left the house because we were both scaring her.

I left for uni at 18. My relationship with my father was so bad that I never visited my parents after first year, even though I wanted to see my mother.

Even now, decades later, I'm scared of my father. I see him and my mother occasionally, but would never leave either of them with my children because I don't trust them to keep my children safe emotionally.

He’s not a lovely man, he’s a nasty bully. If he makes you jump then it must be terrifying for your DCs. I grew up afraid of my step father and modified my behaviour so I didn’t get shouted and sworn at. It’s had a long lasting effect on my life as an adult. I freeze when I hear shouting and I will do anything to avoid confrontation or upsetting anyone as I am still scared of being shouted.
Do you want your DCs to resent you for the rest of their lives for failing to protect them from their father? I resent my mother and it’s ruined our relationship.

That's so sad @rebkah.
He's not scared of him in general life just when he shouts because he has done something wrong which I know is still not acceptable. It saddens me that he doesn't get as much pleasure out of kids as I do, he said to me earlier may be I just don't like kids. He's a very anxious person but I've always said you can have any quirk you like just don't pass it on to the kids.

At the moment, you're still thinking of him as the lovely man who was great to be with when around all adults. The lovely man who you married... And the shouting and bullying part of him isn't really him, it's just in the background.

But it is him. The bullying children part isn't just "on the side". It's who he is. He is not just that lovely man who is great around adults. He's a man who scares and bullies his children when they've done nothing deliberately wrong... the lovely part is just on the side of that.

Do what you want just remember it's your kids who will be left paying the bill.

I appreciate all of your comments and I have thought seriously about leaving but I am currently if the mindset to try and fix the situation so that the kids don't end up with other scars from their parents not being together.
However I am running out of ideas as to how to get him to see the impact that shouting has and that there are other ways of getting through the children without raising your voice.