Husband scares kids

[Bexie181088]

My husband has never grown up or been around that many kids and admits that he struggles with the kids (how messy they are, don't listen and are just a bit silly) so he's always telling them off. I'm the opposite I adore kids, let them be silly and make a mess as long as we tidy up after, are kind to each other and feel comfortable in their home. My husband and I often differ on how to parent, I feel like he would want the kids to have an attitude like they're in the army and never put a foot wrong and he thinks I'm too soft. One thing however that upsets me is how he shouts and constantly scares the kids when doing so. I u defat and that kids should be told off when they've been naughty or whatever but I think he could do it in a much nicer way than scaring the life out of them and make them really upset everytime. My son who is 5 says they daddy scares him and I really don't want that to be the case. I tell them off, plenty, but they never get upset they're always just sorry that they've disappointed me. I've ran out of ideas of how to stop my husband from flying off the handle at them over silly little things. Any help or advice would be massively appreciated. I want our kids to grow up in a loving, warm, friendly home and I fear they won't look back and think that.

Your children will not be scarred by a parent who put their needs first.

The voice we use with our children is the voice they use with themselves.

Have you told him that you have considered leaving him because of it? Maybe he needs to be told that he needs to manage himself better or you will take steps to manage the situation yourself.

Talk to the GP/social work/school for some ideas on positive parenting classes which there may be locally. Is he struggling with stress generally? Is he ok in other aspects of his life?

Are there compromises which could be made about mess maybe? Craft done at the table, newspapers on the floor and so on? Damage limitation may help if it is mess he is bothered by.

Reform it next time. Record his behaviour and record your son's terrified and upset demeanour. Show him once he's calmed down. See how he reacts. Agree that from now on, if he is about to start shouting then he needs to leave the room and you will be telling him so.

Then anytime he even starts to raise his voice you remind him of that moment and tell him to leave the room. If he won't do it, pick up your child and leave. Every time, you need to pick up your child and leave.

Another child of a shouting (and hitting) father here. Our relationship as adults got better, but god I remember being so afraid of him as a child. The more I became aware of that, the more I hated and eventually pitied him for his violence and lack of control. It was a toxic set of emotions for a child to carry around. Also, each of us kids got to a point where we had some kind of a ‘show down’ with him, physical or verbal, when we reached an age when we wouldn’t take it any more.

Fear is not respect. Parent via respect and you have a mutual bond that grows and changes with your child. Parent via fear and you either break the child or they will one day feel they have to break you. Tell your DH that, if nothing else is getting through.

Him bellowing at the kids will have a worse impact. If he can’t see his behaviour isn’t acceptable then what can you realistically do?

*record not reform

If this is true

He gets upset by the way he acts

Then tell him to go speak to gp and get a referral to a therapist
Maybe it's some kind of anxiety disorder maybe not

But only he can work on this.

But you can call him out
"You scared dc. He was just being a kid. "

With my ex this kind of behaviour got worse and worse.
Think about what ypur limits will be.
What will be enough to make you leave and not have dc live with him 24/7?

You're all right. He is happy and calm when everything is just as he wants. He gets stressed with work and in general is a very stressy person but it shouldn't matter. Surely if you see your child upset that should be enough to stop. He says sorry and sorry to my little but but by then the damage is done.
Thank you I will be telling him to leave the room or leave the room with my little boy but I know the root cause needs to be addressed not just me and the kids dancing around hoping to prod the bear. The stories of your relationships with strict parents are another reminder of the way his relationship will go with them. My little boy would hate to not have his daddy around he loves him yet still says he shouts too much. How can that not be enough for you to seriously look at your actions?!

Another one here who had a very similar upbringing to @TheInvestigator .
I'm 30 years old now, been living independently for 8 years and I'm still affected to this day by growing up in a house with a dad that shouted and lost his shit over nothing.

I have anxiety and I'm always apologising for things that don't need apologising for. If my own DD makes a mess my anxiety goes through the roof because if I made a mess as a child I would be shouted at. My DH has never raised his voice to me and I thank god i live in a peaceful house now.

I'm not saying LTB because I know it's not that simple but it needs to stop . I couldn't imagine shouting at a 1 year old .

He doesn't shout at the 1 year old (probably because she's not old enough to actually not listen properly) it's mainly when my 5 year old doesn't listen (because he's too interested in the tv or whatever he is playing with).
I love hearing them when they are all having fun together it's lovely but I wish it was all of the time and wasn't spoiled by his lack of self control

I hope you can get this sorted OP, I completely understand that the thought of leaving your DH must seem overwhelming but unless he changes you will all eventually walk around on egg shells. You will have anxious children who will want to leave home as soon as they can and probably won’t want to visit because of their father. I know that probably sounds a bit dramatic but in that will most likely be the outcome.

If he cares then maybe he can go on a parenting course. If hes not willing to then id seriously consider leaving.

A lovely man doesn't scare his children. Sorry OP but he needs some help for his past experience and support learning how to parent well.

Sounds to me like you are both on very different pages with regards to how you expect children to behave. Until you come to an agreement on this and a consensus of what is and isn't allowed as well as agreed punishments you cannot move forwards.

I know. I asked my little boy this morning how he feels about Daddy and how he makes him feel and he said he doesn't scare him but he does make him feel sad and he shouts so much and when I said do you love him lots he said I love him just a little bit

If my 5 year old GS told his Mummy that his father made him feel sad he'd be an ex with immediate effect. How can you be so complacent that your child is suffering? Of course your child 'loves' his father, most abused children do actually love their abusers, they just want the abuse to stop. It's your job to protect your son's emotional and physical health, please please stop this man bullying before you're on MN in a few years time in despair that your teenager is self harming or out of control

You need to point out to him that he’s a bully. He is bullying a small child who’s just acting as he should. What does he want? A cowering unhappy child at home who’s going to act out outside? That’s what will likely happen in the near future.
If your husband is serious about changing then he needs to actively do something about this.

I think if your DH loves his children he needs to work on himself. He should contact your local children’s centre and see if they can refer him to a parenting course. And he should borrow a book or three on child development from the library so that he can get a better idea of what “normal” is.
If he’s not willing to work on himself for the sake of his children- well that will tell you all you need to know.

You can't ask a 5 year old to assess his father.. it s the only one he knows...of course he loves him.
The fact he says he is sad should be enough to tell you to act and to tell dh to get real and learn how to control himself.

I don't ask him to assess him but I do however need to know how he feels and how my husband makes him feel so that I can try and fix it (or more my husband should try and fix it).
I would never imply my little boy should think or say anything negative towards my husband however I do need to understand exactly how he feels. The fact that he says he loves him a little bit is terrible.

Of course. You were right to try and find out. But he is a 5 year old.

One thing I learned from family therapist was to think about what is an issue for adults to discuss (parenting) and what is the child s issue (what you do they prefer) ? The child can express their view...but the adults need to assess their own behaviour. Recognising that your child is sad and upset about the adults' behaviour is a good starting point... but if dh won't recognise it then you need to consider your options. Let s say you split...child might think it is his fault - because he said he was sad. Children can feel conflicted...you might want to seek professional help too.

Also what I was trying to say is that you
Asking child directly along lines of "what do you think of daddy" is v loaded... family therapists use very indirect ways of asking how child feels.
For example - asking child to draw a family picture /family tree / a day out (where does he put daddy and mummy? What are they doing?) or role play a day out or a meal at home... what does the daddy/ mummy in the scenario do?

I found this process with dd very revealing and very helpful..... (was after splitting. Exp also v shouty and anxious ) ...a child s drawing or playing out a scenario with teddies might inform a lot....

Sorry a child s issue is about what toy do they prefer... what do they lije best dinosaurs or trains... being a child....
.I mean a 5 year old should not be asked deep questions about grown up issues.

My dad was terrifying. He once shouted at me so much that I peed myself out of pure fear.
I had a lot of issues due to it and ended up in abusive relationships as an adult because it just seemed normal for me.
It's taken lots of therapy for me to overcome it even slightly.
My dad has calmed down in his old age and we get on well enough now but I'll never truly forgive him for what he put me through and I never really forgave my mum for not protecting me. putting me first And leaving him, despite me begging for years.