Feeling very overwhelmed with my newborn

[WorriedParent2345]

I’ve named changed for this but have been a regular poster particularly in the pregnancy section. Firstly I’m delighted my little girl is here & we are home. She’s only 1 week old.

The problem is that I’m starting to think I’m not good enough or doing things wrong when it’s comes to anything involving my baby - feeding, changing, dressing her etc. I’ve barely slept since giving birth last Friday, every little noise she makes I’m awake and out of bed checking she’s okay. I have a massive fear of her choking or something so I’m beginning to dread the nights. My DH is off work for the next 2 weeks and he has took to parenthood soo well. He’s amazing with her which just makes me think what am I doing wrong? He keeps telling me I’m doing a good job & not too worry - but it feels like I’m living on egg shells.

I had an awful labour with her, I was induced (at 38 weeks due to pre eclampsia) which started very painful contractions too quickly and as the midwife said I must be really sensitive to the tablet. This lasted all night and I was on my hands and knees with the pain protectile vomiting constantly, having several bags of fluids. The next morning I was only 2cm and was given an epidural so they could break my waters and then everything went down hill. I lost 1200ml of blood, had sepsis, my kidneys were drying up, I was still being brutally sick and can’t remember much of the labour, just being pulled back up the table. It would have been a C section but I suddenly dilated very quickly so it was a forceps delivery, with a cut and a tear. I’m still feeling very upset and fragile about the birth which after writing this down, makes me think my head is all over the place.

I’m being closely monitored by midwifes as we only came home on Thursday & have a review meeting with the hospital to check my progress. I did breast feed for around 4 days but it was taking an big toll on my body and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. I feel so guilty that I’ve had to turn to FF when I’ve spent so much time researching BF, laches and even attended a couple of BF classes when I was pregnant. I know my baby is fine with FF and I don’t have a problem with formula it’s just that I feel I put extra effort in hoping to BF and I just can’t.

Sorry for the jumbled up mess of a thread. I’m wondering if this feeling will pass? I’ve never heard of people feeling overwhelmed? Just PND which tbh I don’t think it’s that. Will I learn what her noises mean? I.e every noise she makes in her Moses basket I’m up checking her all the time. Is there any advice you could pass onto me please?

Me and DH are currently taking fair shares of looking after LO during the night so we do get sleep. I just feel if she’s sick or I’m struggling to wind her I panic and shout him. I’m dreading him going back to work & being on my own with her. My mum does live local and I have friends nearby etc but I’m still so nervous. I just never expected to feel like this I guess, it’s been excitement since finding out and now I’m just second guessing myself all the time

You're traumatised love. Be ever so gentle and kind with yourself. It will get better. 💐

It's so normal to feel overwhelmed. I did! It passes. You'll get to know your daughter and you'll feel more confident. Just take it day by day. Rest when you can. You had a really difficult start so please be kind to yourself x

You need to cut yourself some slack and try not to overthink everything. Nobody is a perfect parent, just do your best! Never feel bad if you need to ask for help. The first few weeks are all about survival so you can let a few things slide (have lazy dinners and be more relaxed with the housework). Don’t overthink things, try to enjoy it!

I’ve never posted before on mumsnet - I have just read loads but I had to reply to you.

Your story is identical to how I felt 5 weeks ago. My baby boy is now 6 weeks old. My labour wasn’t too bad but I had an immediate PPH bleed of >2L and was separated from him and my husband immediately after birth as I had to go to theatre/had emergency transfusions - the lot!

As a result, i had whopping doses of hormones and breast feeding just didn’t work as I was so unwell. I must have cried for a fortnight.

I felt exactly the same as you. I felt my husband took to our son without an issue and I almost resented him due to the feeding issues. I dreaded my husband going back to work but it’s not been as bad as I thought.

When we finally got home 5 days later I hadn’t slept a wink...! I was the same with the noises. To be honest, I felt like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing...

All I can say is take your time. Be kind to yourself and don’t try to do too much too soon. It does become easier as much as I didn’t believe people who told me that!

Don’t wish the time away. Xxx

I’m at home with a 4 day old but am a second time mum, I wish I could just give you a massive real life hug, bloody hell you’ve been through the absolute wringer.
You need to be kind to yourself, you probably have ptsd, I feel awful just reading your story.
It is totally normally to feel all the things you are feeling even if everything has gone perfectly. Don’t bottle it up, take to your husband, midwife, dr. I hope you manage to get some rest, I promise it does all get a lot easier

I had a shitty induction too, it's a really awful way to start motherhood. You will learn what some of the noises mean, and you'll also relax and not worry when baby makes an odd noise. My 8 month old makes the weirdest sounds but you get used to it!

Don't stress about the formula, fed is best. I breastfed till 6 months, and when I stopped my daughter stopped having wind and constipation; we could finally stop the daily laxative! So don't automatically assume any digestive issues are caused by formula.

At the end of each day if you are both alive then that's a success, you don't need to aim for anything more right now!

Just be kind to yourself, accept that others have more experience than you but she's your daughter and loves you, st keep on doing your best and your confidence will improve. X

It sounds like you had a really traumatic time. As others have said cut yourself some slack and seek help if your mood doesn't lift after a month or so. The newborn stage is hard.

I felt like this after a shitty induction as well but honestly I think it’s normal. You’ve just made a baby and it’s such a shock! I think by two weeks I started to feel a little better but still was very weepy at times. The first six weeks were a blur. Be kind to yourself, and be honest with your HV or your GP if you want to talk it through.

I felt guilty about formula too but it’s not worth the angst at all. You do what you can I found it hard because it was so far from the vision I had for myself as a mum- but dd is thriving at 6 months and honestly if I had kept breastfeeding I might have cracked up.

And yes- you’ll soon be surprised that you know what her noises mean.

In the meantime- ask for help, get people to cook for you, try and sleep when baby sleeps... and don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing a good job.

You and your husband are both new to this. Be kind to yourself and each other. You sound like a great team already. Talk to him, lean on him, you are in this together. A newborn is such a steep learning curve. You go from zero to 60mph in what feels like seconds.
Yes you will get to understand her rhythm and noises. Just observe her first before leaping in. Some babies are noisy sleepers.
Good luck!

@WorriedParent2345 - This was me 10 weeks ago. I was recovering from having an episiotomy and felt totally shit. My OH was amazing with our baby, and I felt totally inadequate!

It may seem like a very dark place at the moment but please trust me when I/we all say, it DOES get easier and better. The sleep deprivation is what makes it so hard!

I absolutely adore being a mummy now my confidence has grown and I'm not so tired.

Hang on in there! You can do it!!

Xxx

Are you me? Maybe not as our labours were both horrible but different, everything else could be the same.

I was so massively overwhelmed, felt like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, Googled repeatedly about at what point I would die from sleep deprivation, then wanted to, felt like the only person in the world who had ever felt this way, motherhood is supposed to be so natural and I was supposed to have all these maternal instincts but actually had no fucking clue whatsoever. So definitely not just you.

Couple of bits of advice - get a breathing monitor, it’ll help you worry less about all the noises. I’ve got a snuza which clips on go baby’s nappy and sounds an alarm if it doesn’t detect breathing for 15 seconds.

About thinking your husband has taken to it better than you - I thought so too but when I told him that he said he was just making shit up as he goes along but faking the confidence, trying to make himself believe it, he also felt like he was drowning with the responsibility.

I hope you’re recovery goes well

@WorriedParent2345 - I breast fed for 2 days. Hated it, so FF fed. My baby is perfectly happy - Me and my OH like you shared the feeding. It's the best way

It will pass. You're amazing and what you've done/are doing is amazing. You are brilliant. You've been through such a lot - cut yourself some massive slack alongside a huge bar of chocolate. You've been through an emotional and physical trauma that your body needs time to heal from.

Thanks everyone, I had abit of a cry to DH after posting this thread and he too has made me feel better. He said he’s just going with the flow and told me to stop being so hard on myself. He just makes it look so easy and is such a great dad already. He’s napping now and I’m downstairs with DD.

I’m sorry some of you have felt the same but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I have so many people wanting to come visit which I’ve said no at the moment, as not only am I trying to recover I’m trying to come to term with these feelings.

Spanglybangly - sorry to hear that, at what point did it suddenly become easier for you? I feel awful saying it but I’ve thought I can’t wait until she’s a little older (I have a lot more experience / interactions with toddlers than newborns) and then feel guilty for even thinking that.

I will also think about speaking to my HV or midwife, I did mention to my DH I’m surprised they haven’t asked how I am (mentally) considering they’ve all said how much of a tough time I had. It’s very much on how I am physically etc. I will mention it, I didn’t realise how traumatic it was until me and my mum were discussing it - she was the one who said it was horrible to watch them pulling me back up the chair as I was out of it then I had these memories flooding back. I realised I forgot a lot of the birth. The hospital staff were fab tho (so definitely not knocking the NHS)

I’ll also get a Snuza that already makes me feel more at ease that it monitors their breathing.

The other thing I seem to worry about it if she’s too hot or cold. I have a temperature monitor in my bedroom and have just bought a 1 tog sleeping bag (as our room tends to be around 20 - 23) and have DD in a vest and babygrow. When looking online it says just a long sleeved vest for that temperature? It just doesn’t look warm enough so I’m constantly checking how warm she is. I also worry about taking her out (on my own again), we haven’t yet aside from a hospital appointment but I worry about what to dress to her in, not clicking her into the car seat properly all these tiny little things. It just feels like never ending worry. Am I just feeling like this and over thinking so much because I feel so weak. I just don’t know.

Thanks again everyone, it’s a thread like this what makes me remember why MN can be so helpful when you’re having abit of a rough time!

I would say just the last week or so to be honest. It was gradual more than anything. He sleeps longer periods through the night now which helps.

We still have bad days but it will always be that way. It’s such a large adjustment in all aspects of your life never mind when you don’t feel well and are recovering from a tough birth. I can now talk about his birth without tears at least which is a huge step forward.

I felt the same with wishing he was older and now I feel guilty for wishing the first few weeks away. I can’t win!

Just take each day as it comes and remember you are doing a fab job. No one ever warns you how tough it will be.

If you make mistakes, OP, it’s just part of learning. Please don’t be afraid of doing anything in case something goes wrong. You will automatically double check her seat, take an extra layer in her bag in case you want to put one on.
It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed. I remember a week in sobbing on my kitchen floor because I was terrified of my baby and was convinced I had made a huge mistake. Remember your life had changed completely, of course you’ll be uncertain.

And for what it is worth, I was about ready to put my five month old in the bin today and call it quits but now she’s sleeping I can gather my thoughts and straighten myself out.

I felt exactly like you OP, although I didn't have nearly as stressful a birth as you.

I think you should ask your midwife about checking you for post natal depression. The heightened anxiety you are experiencing is so hard. I became absolutely fixated with sterilising stuff and worried like mad I could make my baby ill by doing it wrong. I still remember it as the most stressful period of my life.

Like you, I felt jealous of my DH's ability to parent naturally. I remember trying to copy what he did to try and pass as a better mother. When people complimented me on my parenting I just looked at them in disbelief.

It passed for me although I chose not to take medication as I was told incorrectly that it would mean I could not breastfeed. I found out that this is not true and I wish I had taken it as I feel it would have accelerated the process of getting better. Still, it DID pass and I became for chilled that I went on to have two more children in quick succession, something I would not have contemplated when I was at your stage.

Your birth sounds so traumatic.
Even without that I was totally overwhelmed by my first baby, feeling like I was getting nothing right.

Please don’t fight what you need, if it’s rest be in bed. she can be beside you.
Keep the professionals on board. Don’t be tempted to pretend that you are coping better than you are. You need all the support you can get, so keep telling midwives and GP and health visitors that you are overwhelmed.
Lower your bar. If you are all alive and fed by the end of the day, you are doing well.
And lastly , it does get better.
Sending you a massive hug and lots of encouragement.

Please be gentle with yourself lovely. It'll get easier. You've had such a hard traumatic time. Be aware of your feelings and seek help if you need it. X

You've had a traumatic time and need to cut yourself some slack. It's a crass comparison but imagine you'd been in a car crash and then they gave you a puppy to look after straight away. That's what it felt like to me. I'd been to every class, read every book, nothing prepared me.

Partly your hormones are all over the place, I cried every day for about 10 weeks. I wasn't depressed I just couldn't help it. You're also knackered so you need to get some rest, tag team it with your husband. Stay in bed for hours if you need to, your beautiful baby doesn't mind. She just wants you. You're doing a great job mama.

I chose to FF for personal and medical reasons. My DD is 4.5 months and (touch wood) thriving. She didn’t even get colostrum as planned, because I didn’t produce any.

This stage is such a shock to the system, but please be kind to yourself. Cuddle the baby while they’re still little enough to be happy in one place, chill out on the sofa watching box sets and have nice walks in the sunshine.

6 weeks is usually a turning point in it all feeling better, then by 12 weeks it’s a LOT better IME.

Hi OP I had to post after reading this. I have a 5 month old ds. ftm.
Firstly, sending you a huge hug. I felt really sad reading how low you feel. It brought lots of memories flooding back. I also had a crap induction (though yours sounds particularly difficult) and as one pp said it’s a shitty way to start motherhood. I also relate so much to all your emotions. Here’s my advice. Am no expert but hope it helps.

1. forceps/epi are hard on your body. I also had them and at 1 week it felt it’s worst. Take real care of yourself. Don’t push yourself physically lots of rest and warm lavender oil baths. By 2 weeks mine was feeling better, by 6 weeks hardly thought about it, now I can’t even find the epi scar.
2. my care during labour was excellent but afterwards it was very lacking. There isn’t enough help for women postpartum. So ask for help. Ask the midwives/hv - tell them how you are feeling.
3. your worrying and anxiety are totally totally normal. I used to poke ds in middle of night to check he was alive. I used to agonise over clothing at night and sterilising and car seat being in correctly etc etc... the fact you are worrying shows you care. You’re a great mum. Huge generalisation coming up but I think men are better at acting confident and then making it up as they go along. I still find that my baby crying cuts right through me, whilst my husband is calmer about it.
4. sleeping bags. Oh the hours I spent agonising about this. This is what I do: 2.4 tog bag with one layer either long sleeved vest or one sleep suit. Room is 17 - 20 degrees. Will move to 1 tog in summer. You’ll work out what you and your baby are happy with.
5. formula feeding. Don’t feel bad. Don’t even go there. Your baby isn’t worrying about it so neither should you. Easier said than done (I know I’ve been there) but give yourself permission to not feel bad. Fed is best. Formula is excellent stuff. You’re not giving your baby chocolate milkshake you’re giving a highly scientific breastmilk substitute.

I found that at 6 weeks it seemed to get a bit less overwhelming. 12 weeks was a major turning point. As mum’s we’ve signed up to a lifetime of worry but the worry gets easier to manage and rationalise, but I won’t pretend I don’t still get bouts of anxiety. My GP said it’s normal.

Well done OP. you’ve got through a tough birth and are doing amazingly well. You really are.

Congratulations and please be kind to yourself. It's SUCH early days and things will get easier. It's a very steep learning curve even without the tiredness and pain you've been through. Your birth sounds extremely physically and mentally traumatic not to mention absolutely exhausting, try to rest as much as possible and give yourself time to heal. And please share how you're feeling with midwife/health vistor/GP, as it wouldn't be unusual to develop ptsd after an experience like that.

All your daughter knows is you and just being near you is what she needs right now, so if you're giving her lots of cuddles then you're doing a great job. At this stage I'd be spending as much time as possible in bed or on the sofa, cuddling and doing skin to skin with baby. The more rest you get the easier everything will seem.

Sleep monitors and room thermometers can be reassuring or they can up your anxiety, only you will know which is the case for you. You'll learn to trust your instincts as you get to know her and her signals, you get used to their weird grunty sounds and I don't think I looked at the room thermometer after the first fortnight, just felt the back of his neck. Your home is warm so I'd think a long sleeved vest is fine. Overheating is dangerous whereas being a little chilly isn't, and baby will definitely let you know if she's uncomfortable because she's too cold! Where is the Moses basket? We had a next to me/carrycot but if it's next to the bed or sofa a hand on her chest should be enough to check she's fine and avoid getting up constantly.

You have plenty of time to get out and about, no need to rush. We spent weeks between sofa and bed, now at a few months old we're out every day. :-) If you're nervous about going alone, take it super slowly at first, a drive or walk round the block. Or do a trial run with your DH or mum there in the background but you doing everything. Easy layers - blankets or zips, we like a sleepsack or cape rather than wrestling with a suit with sleeves - when you go out.

Babies and birth have a way of turning our expectations and intentions upside down, whether it's BF/FF, co-sleeping etc. I was totally unprepared despite endless classes and books, and in some ways I think they were unhelpful as they set you up to feel like a failure if it doen't work out the way you'd planned. Every birth and baby is different. It's amzing you managed to be after what you'd been through and colostrum is the most important stuff so don't write off those 4 days. Now a rested, healing mum is more important. If baby's needs and your needs are being met then that's all that matters.