Feeling very overwhelmed with my newborn

[WorriedParent2345]

I’ve named changed for this but have been a regular poster particularly in the pregnancy section. Firstly I’m delighted my little girl is here & we are home. She’s only 1 week old.

The problem is that I’m starting to think I’m not good enough or doing things wrong when it’s comes to anything involving my baby - feeding, changing, dressing her etc. I’ve barely slept since giving birth last Friday, every little noise she makes I’m awake and out of bed checking she’s okay. I have a massive fear of her choking or something so I’m beginning to dread the nights. My DH is off work for the next 2 weeks and he has took to parenthood soo well. He’s amazing with her which just makes me think what am I doing wrong? He keeps telling me I’m doing a good job & not too worry - but it feels like I’m living on egg shells.

I had an awful labour with her, I was induced (at 38 weeks due to pre eclampsia) which started very painful contractions too quickly and as the midwife said I must be really sensitive to the tablet. This lasted all night and I was on my hands and knees with the pain protectile vomiting constantly, having several bags of fluids. The next morning I was only 2cm and was given an epidural so they could break my waters and then everything went down hill. I lost 1200ml of blood, had sepsis, my kidneys were drying up, I was still being brutally sick and can’t remember much of the labour, just being pulled back up the table. It would have been a C section but I suddenly dilated very quickly so it was a forceps delivery, with a cut and a tear. I’m still feeling very upset and fragile about the birth which after writing this down, makes me think my head is all over the place.

I’m being closely monitored by midwifes as we only came home on Thursday & have a review meeting with the hospital to check my progress. I did breast feed for around 4 days but it was taking an big toll on my body and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. I feel so guilty that I’ve had to turn to FF when I’ve spent so much time researching BF, laches and even attended a couple of BF classes when I was pregnant. I know my baby is fine with FF and I don’t have a problem with formula it’s just that I feel I put extra effort in hoping to BF and I just can’t.

Sorry for the jumbled up mess of a thread. I’m wondering if this feeling will pass? I’ve never heard of people feeling overwhelmed? Just PND which tbh I don’t think it’s that. Will I learn what her noises mean? I.e every noise she makes in her Moses basket I’m up checking her all the time. Is there any advice you could pass onto me please?

Me and DH are currently taking fair shares of looking after LO during the night so we do get sleep. I just feel if she’s sick or I’m struggling to wind her I panic and shout him. I’m dreading him going back to work & being on my own with her. My mum does live local and I have friends nearby etc but I’m still so nervous. I just never expected to feel like this I guess, it’s been excitement since finding out and now I’m just second guessing myself all the time

It's so hard and you had an awful time. Please keep in touch with your gp and hv. For me it was pnd/ anxiety that kept me awake. You are still early days but if it doesn't get better it's something to think about after the trauma esp.

I’m only two weeks ahead of you with a three week old newborn (first baby too), you are most definitely not alone with how you’re feeling and I can assure you that you will start to feel better within yourself and more confident as the days go on. I’m still learning and communicating with my baby now, but at some point you will start to pick up what she needs and will understand the signs a little better. My husband also adapted so well and I second guessed my parenting, but I think most men are more laid back and calm, where as we as women overthink everything. The most important thing is to communicate a lot with him, and don’t bottle up how you’re feeling. My husband took every night (slept through the day) for 2 weeks to allow me to block sleep to help how I felt, and were only now at this point planning to go back into one room together. So take small steps.

I only started to feel a little better at 1 1/2 weeks in and I’m still now taking every day as it comes, so be patient, rest and do not give yourself a hard time.

I had a great birthing/hospital experience, but still came home and suffered with very similar symptoms to you, so don’t give yourself a hard time over the birth, you may have felt like this after a good birth like myself. What’s important is that you’re now recovering and your baby is here and well.

I suffered terribly with anxiety, feeling sick, frequent toilet visits, no appetite, hot flushes and shaking around my baby. Every time I’d hear him cry my stomach would knot and I’d have all of those symptoms all of a sudden like a wave washing over me. I also cried ALL of the time for the first week, every little thing would set me off. In the end, I cried out for help to my midwife as I couldn’t cope with how I felt and felt like I was spiralling out of control. I too planned to breastfeed and had to give up 1 week in (because of meds below) and go purely onto formula as the sleep deprivation was one of the biggest causes of why I felt like I did. My midwife actually recommended we used formula as she could see the toll that breastfeeding was having on me. She referred me to my GP and I was diagnosed with Perinatal Anxiety and was given diazepam (a calmer) for a week which completely changed how I felt and relaxed me, allowing me to enjoy my baby and feel like myself, and Setraline (anti-depressant) which is regulating my hormones and balancing out the happy hormones I wasn’t producing at that time. I also had daily midwife visits and have a Perinatal Anxiety support group that I’m able to attend. Speak with your midwife/HV and do not suffer through how you’re feeling, I’m only two weeks ahead of you and feel completely different to that first week. I still have periods of anxiety, but manageable and I can work through them, not suffer and panic.

It will get better, I promise x

Long time lurker but I had to create an account to reply to your OP as you have described almost exactly how I felt only a few weeks ago.

I have a beautiful 12 week old DD and after she was born I felt totally overwhelmed and trapped. I thought I'd made a huge mistake and my life was over. I was in a very dark place. I watched my DH loving interacting with her and I was actually frightened of her- I would hide in our passage. When she cried I felt I was having an anxiety attack (and did have a few panic attacks when she was young.) this was because I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel. No one warned me how relentless caring for a newborn was and how you feel your freedom disappears etc. I was completely panic stricken. DD had colic and screamed for hours on end for weeks- I was a complete wreck.

What I will say to you is - it does get better, quite quickly. Around week 8 suddenly DD's colic started to improve. I found moments of motherhood enjoyable. Then she started smiling and being more interactive. At week 12 things became so so much better for me because mentally I allowed myself to accept some more help as she was "older" and now a couple of times a week I go out without her for a few hours (I miss her but it helps me feel more like me). Very slight changes are happening which mean my life is starting to resemble my old one in some ways. DD generally sleeps well on an evening so DH and I can curl up together in peace and watch TV. She wakes up once in the night now so we aren't permanently knackered. I have a checklist of what to do if she's crying etc.

I've been there, I've been crying in the baby change facility in the supermarket, crying on a park bench - last week I sobbed in the kitchen because I was so proud of myself for making it this far, at times I didn't think I would. But now I am generally enjoying motherhood and you will too. Accept any help that's offered and use MN for support.

Oh and I had to use formula from the start because I had no milk supply. It's not what I planned but do you know what it means DH has been able to do full nights to allow me to sleep and DD needs a functioning mother.

What everyone else said. Apart from the pre-eclampsia, your birth sounds very similar to mine. Be kind do yourself (I ran around pretending to be ok when what I really should have done was just hide out and rest insofar as that's possible with a new baby).
While I'm sure what happened was quite traumatic for your husband, bear in mind he's not had the physical exhaustion of growing a baby, pushing it out, losing a lot of blood (both pph and lochia), the hormonal crash that goes with the baby being out and all that you've been through. Good grief, you had sepsis! You lost about 1/5th of your blood supply! Of course you are feeling crap and anxious about your baby's health! You've been through a really horrible time. It's not very surprising he's seeming better at it than you- you are still recovering from all of that. I bet he thinks you are doing a fantastic job. It sounds like you are.
You might find perinatal trauma counselling helps (I did a bit). Speak to your midwife about that and take all the help you can get. And cuddle up with your baby as much as you can.

Thanks everyone, I have been feeling a lot better in myself the last week. HV has mentioned PTSD & I think it could be a case of that so will be going down the counselling route. Has anyone else suffered with PTSD after giving birth?

Also was looking for some tips a kick up in the backside on how to handle your DH going back to work? He’s going back tomorrow and the worry has come back with a vengeance. I literally feel sick to my stomach

Glad you're starting to feel better OP.

Don't panic about DH going back to work. Take the pressure off yourself, you don't have to do anything - stay in your PJ's if you want, stay in bed with DD if you want. I found sorting things out the night before really helped - I'd get a shower of an evening (I'm a morning shower usually!) so I only needed to wash my face & clean my teeth in the morning. Make a sandwich/pasta etc for lunch and put it in the fridge ready so I could just grab it. I used to set myself one thing to do per day and that really helped give me a focus and get me out of the house - it would only be little things like buy a loaf of bread or post a parcel but I liked knowing I had something to do. Don't be afraid to go for coffee by yourself, I used to go to Costa loads and would always find someone would want to have a chat about the baby which helped when you feel you don't speak to anyone for days.

Recovering physically and emotionally from a simple straightfoward birth takes time, and yours was anything but! It's early days and it takes time to build your confidence. It's normal to worry about doing it right. Please accept or seek all the support you can. It's such early days, you're still healing. It'll be fine I promise. Motherhood is a fucking sharp learning curve and the early days can feel brutal. It will get easier. Be proud of the choices you've made e.g. FF to feed your daughter because you are exhausted, not critical of yourself. You are managing brilliantly.