Newborn and toddler tell me it gets better?

[katelily2017]

Hi everyone,

I have a 2.3 y/o dd1 and 6 day old dd2 and OH MY GOD I am struggling.

Can someone please tell me it gets better?

It's not any of the physical stuff bothering me but I am a complete emotional wreck. I feel like I have completely destroyed dd1s little world and I can't look at either of them at the moment without crying.

I feel so guilty on both of the girls, dd1 for her not being the centre of my universe anymore and dd2 for not being able to give her the cuddles and attention that I gave dd1.

Dd1 has reacted really well on the whole she's been having some typical toddler behaviour biting / scratching etc but nothing worse than usual and hasn't actually had a tantrum since the baby has been born which is usually a daily occurrence.

Can anyone tell me if these feelings will get any better? I honestly feel like the worst mum in the world at the moment and just feel like I've ruined her life and letting down dd2 too.

Dh is off on paternity leave and having help from family but just feel like I'm not coping at all. Is this normal?

Please help feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown xxx

Didn't want to read and run. No advice but hopefully someone will be along soon. Pretty sure it'll all be ok in the end

It’s going to get better! This first bit is so hard. Two yrs, two days between DS1 and DS2 and I was exhausted, emotional and recovering from a traumatic birth when I was at your stage so I remember it well. Be kind to yourself. Accept all offers of help. You will start to feel more in control of everything soon. You haven’t wrecked your older child’s life. I know it feels like that now, but you haven’t! There will come a time when your baby starts to properly adore her older sister and it’ll be admiration like no other, your older one will come into her own and love it. In time, the small gap will pay off big time as they will play together and become friends. I could never have imagined that but now I have a 5&3 yo who get on really well. In the meantime - spend as much quality time as you can with DD1 and cut yourself some slack. Good luck! It really gets better!!

I am just over 6 months ahead of you with a marginally smaller age gap and my experience has been a roller coaster. Some days are amazing and others feel like they last a lifetime. I have had moments where I wanted to cry because I was so unbelievably exhausted or was desperate to go back to work to just get a break. However, looking back, it has flown by and I can't believe my baby is over 6 months already and growing so quickly. Part of me wants to rewind and have the newborn back as I just can't figure out where the time has gone.

The guilt is insane, especially for your older one who is being forced to share you with no say of her own - I've felt it since the day I found out I was pregnant and still feel it on the bad days. But then I see them play together and I see how she is the one that can make her brother laugh better than anyone else and feel so much better about it

It does get better and you won't always feel like this but if you do have anyone who can help, take up the offer without thinking twice and try not to feel guilty

Oh sweetheart, yes, it totally gets better. 21 months between my two and I spent the first months thinking I’d made a terrible mistake. But by the time baby 2 is mobile / interested (6 months ish it was for me), the sibling relationship starts building and it’s beautiful to watch. My eldest can’t remember life without her sister and they now gang up on me. They’re 4 and 5 now and thick as thieves.

Hey OP, I'm a Mum of 2 littles too - the eldest is 22 months and the youngest is 10 months and honestly it is the hardest thing ever. I'm a wreck - exhausted, fat, dishevelled BUT what I want to say is that this is all very new and you will find your new normal. You're not a terrible Mum, your babies love you no matter what, you are trying your best and I know it sounds cliche but that's all that matters. Hug your babies, apologise when you shout (I shout so much I'm pretty sure the kids think I'm deaf ) and take one day at a time. Everything is a phase and things settle. Reach out when you need help, don't feel guilty about leaving the babies with someone so you can have some time to reconnect with yourself. Good luck x

You’ll be grand. Nothing stays the same for long.

Exact same gap here but many years on.

It is really hard! You are doing just grand. Hormones are raging. Take it a bit at a time. Accept all help offered. Try not to be too hard on your yourself. You children both adore you. You eldest won't remember this and certainly won't judge you for it.

Mine are now 10 and 8. They squabble ALL the time. I am almost nostalgic for those days (but I found them a bloody nightmare and wouldn't really go back for anything)

About 6 months ahead of you and it's hell I know. The only thing is I would echo what others say, take all the help you can get. I would also say not to feel guilty. It's really hard and that's the last thing you need. They won't remember this time and they love you.

It will get better op

Your gonna be really tired and hormonal right now, be kind to yourself!

I had DD2 when DD1 was 2.2yrs and just to compound the misery she started nursery when her new sister was five days old. I cried A LOT and remember starting a thread on here under an old name which was entitled something like “I have ruined my 2yr olds life!” when DD2 was a week old.

As it turned out I was being a bit dramatic and it improved very quickly. It was knackering and manic for the first few months but my emotions being all over the place ended within around a fortnight. DD2 was born in September and I remember that by Christmas I felt like I had a handle on things and everything improved after that.

They’re now 2 and 4 (almost 3 and 5) and they play beautifully together and you’d never believe that there was ever an ounce of friction or tension. They adore one another.

Thanks so much for the lovely words and support everyone, honestly means a lot and really helps to know I'm not alone. I'm praying that it has to be something to do with hormones cause I genuinely don't know what I'll do if I feel like this permanently. I was worried I'd feel like this from when I found out I was pregnant.

Xxxx

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta this is so so comforting thanks so much for sharing ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

@BusMum79 thanks so much for this, I really needed to hear it. ❤️❤️❤️

@BusMum79 thanks so much for the advice, Just out of interest can you remember when you started to feel any better? I've just had a full on toddler style meltdown in Morrisons! Xxx

@riddles26 thanks so much for the advice ❤️❤️❤️

@huhpuh thanks so much for this, that's so lovely to hear! Do you remember when you started to feel any better about it? Xxx

@CaMePlaitPas thanks so much for this ❤️ do you feel happy having two now or do you still feel the guilt? Xxx

@Marlena1 thanks so much, are you feeling better now? Do you remember how long it took for you to feel like it wasn't so awful? Xxx

Yes it gets better! 18 months between my eldest two and my god it was tough initially.

I found it got easier as they slept better, then as they were out of nappies (at the same time!), then as one started pre-school, and so on.

They are 10 and 11 now and I’m so pleased I had them close together. You’ll be pleased to hear that in my experience the benefits far outweighs the initial hard work.
Keep going, you are in the thick of it at the moment but you will come out the other side .

Oh my goodness; 6 days in is the hardest. You’re doing so well, honestly. And it gets so, so much easier.
I remember DS1 being a bit of a bugger for the first 3 weeks of DS2’s life and then everyone seemed to settle down. I had a full on plan for the first 2 weeks of DS3’s life, an actual written timetable which I stuck to come rain or shine!

You’ve ruined no one’s life. You’ve enhanced it with a sibling relationship that will both amaze and infuriate you in equal measure as you watch it develop in a way separate from you. And you will adjust to your new normal; I promise.

@PotteringAlong thank you so so much for your reply has made me feel a lot better xxx

I have exactly the same gap; they’re now 16 and 14, best friends and wouldn’t be without each other for the world. It’s hard but it gets easier. I always read to DS while I was feeding DD so it was bonding for all of us, could that work? And when DD slept, I played with DS - the housework can always wait!! Congratulations on your lovely family; you’re doing great and it’s going to all be fine.

@Iseethesilverlining thanks so much ❤️ that's so lovely to hear ❤️❤️❤️

Yes. I thought I’d wrecked my eldest’s life when my middle one was born. Everything was completely unbearable. There’s a larger age gap but they adore each other now, absolutely totally and utterly. It was worth it.

And I had a third with a similar age gap to you and it’s fine now.

Be gentle on yourself.