Newborn and toddler tell me it gets better?

[katelily2017]

Hi everyone,

I have a 2.3 y/o dd1 and 6 day old dd2 and OH MY GOD I am struggling.

Can someone please tell me it gets better?

It's not any of the physical stuff bothering me but I am a complete emotional wreck. I feel like I have completely destroyed dd1s little world and I can't look at either of them at the moment without crying.

I feel so guilty on both of the girls, dd1 for her not being the centre of my universe anymore and dd2 for not being able to give her the cuddles and attention that I gave dd1.

Dd1 has reacted really well on the whole she's been having some typical toddler behaviour biting / scratching etc but nothing worse than usual and hasn't actually had a tantrum since the baby has been born which is usually a daily occurrence.

Can anyone tell me if these feelings will get any better? I honestly feel like the worst mum in the world at the moment and just feel like I've ruined her life and letting down dd2 too.

Dh is off on paternity leave and having help from family but just feel like I'm not coping at all. Is this normal?

Please help feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown xxx

16 months between my two who are now 4 and 3. I had times like this and still have the occasional rubbish day. It is hard and it does get better but as for when, I couldn't say. I actually think the first few months went by in a blur.

It's interesting looking back at photos and videos as I'd almost forgotten how little dd was when ds arrived.

One thing I will say is don't worry about evening out the time you spend with each one. It will work itself out somehow.

I am a sahm. Dd goes to nursery but I couldn't get ds in yet so I have quality time with him whilst she is at nursery so I don't worry that one has had more of my time and attention.

Good luck and congratulations!

Congratulations Mummy!
It’s day 6 your hormones are absolutely raging, I found days 5-10 the hardest hormone wise and was just constantly in bits weeping over everything. You’ll feel so much better really soon!

Can’t comment on managing with two yet, I’m about five weeks from finding out what that’s like so following intently. Just take it one day at a time and lean into all the support you have. Chocolate biscuits help too

Ah it gets better. I have 18 months - 2 years between all of my four (6, 4, 2 and 4 months and you get into a routine by about 6 weeks in in my experience. Some days are still challenging but it gets easier and easier.

As someone with a sister, you haven't ruined her world. You've added to it by giving her someone who will go through life with her even when you and your husband are gone.
And DD2 has an extra guardian now, so you haven't deprived her either.

Hi - I promise you that it does get better! I've got 25 months between my two and I was running on nervous energy (or just 'empty') for a good few months. Once I got into a routine with feeding & naps i felt a bit more in control & was able to spend a bit (& it was a 'bit' at first) of time with them individually.
Go easy on yourself - you're probably doing a great job (you just don't feel like it at the minute!!). Take care. Ps I remember it taking me hours to get them both ready to go for a walk to the shop that was 5 minutes away.... but I did it & it got quicker each time. Sending love & luck!

It gets better slowly. The first 6 months is hard, after a year much better. My youngest is 2.5 and they play so well now (mostly).

@katelily2017 I remember it started to ease up a little after about 6 weeks (sorry that prob seems like an eternity now!) as in, the older one realised the baby was here to stay and I felt more confident juggling. They really started to bond a few months in -
have a photo of them together when DS2 was about 4 months and he is gazing at his big brother, while DS1 is looking v pleased with the adulation. I always look at that and think that’s when it all started to change - DS1 wanted to entertain the baby and get a positive reaction from him, while DS2 just lapped up every scrap of attention from the older one. It’s really early days for you- I found one thing that helped sometimes was leaving the baby downstairs with my husband and basically “lovebombing” - or whatever it’s called - DS1. So all my attention was on him for half an hour or whatever - reading stories, cuddling him, playing games, singing songs, focussing totally on him, and I found it reset things a bit and helped with the confusion he was understandably feeling!
As I say, it gets better. I’m now pregnant with my third (bigger age gap this time!!) and it is all a distant memory now!

Also, the very fact that you’re even worried about whether you’re doing a good job proves that you are!

BusMum79 I also had two boys 2 years 2 days apart.
The first year of having two was tough. But after that the age gap / same sex combination was perfect. They played together as best friends and adored each other. They are grown up now but I still remember feeling exactly like you OP for a while.

I have a year between my two.

It's better now. Just. They're 6 and 5. I finally get some 'me' time, they're quite independent and I enjoy them.

If i'm honest though< i don't know how i even got through the first 4 years. It was bloody hard work, and I had no family locally to help me out so can truly say I did it all my own. If you have help, take it.

Same gap between DC 1 and 2 here. It was unbelievably hard at times, and I think that was with two relatively straightforward small people. I can remember nearly passing out with shock when I saw them, maybe 9 months in from where you are now, sitting together on the floor, DD 1 reading a story to baby DS. They are 9 and 7 now and really good mates, who play incredible games with the inevitable squabbles. You are doing exactly the right thing giving your DD a sibling, you are just in the trenches stage of motherhood, building a family and it will get easier and even occasionally fun! You are a hero, x ps now expecting DC4 so I'm not lying, it has to get easier or why would I be doing it again, and again!?! Remember, everybody fed nobody dead is a good motto for the early days!

You poor thing. I am 6 months ahead of you, same age gap, and yes, I felt the same. I am out of the trenches now though and things are looking more than just bearable, but really lovely- DD1 now knows that DD2 is a real person and wants to play with her, sit with her, make her laugh (still occasionally shove her over but hey, toddlers...)
DD2 has become so much more interactive and takes a real delight in watching her big sis. Seeing the two of them together is magical and it's starting to feel like we have enriched their lives instead of ruining them.

Now that Dd2 is sleeping a bit more and I'm not chasing every spare second of sleep, it's kind of nice when they nap at different times as I get to have 1 to 1 time with each of them.

Mind you, I still had to run away to the bathroom to scream FUCKING HELL earlier, it's amazing how two lots of crying goes through you, oh and potty training can fuck off too

Did you have siblings growing up? I have a sister, same age gap, which is reassuring ...neother of us remember feeling hard done by!

My second son was born when my eldest son was just 16 months. The first 12 months where a bit of a blur. There where maybe a couple of years when I thought Jesus this is exhausting when will it get easier.. my eldest is now 11, I wouldn't change a thing and I can't believe those years I thought I'd never get through are so far behind! Chin up, enjoy your children when you can and don't kick yourself when you can't be wonder woman all the time! It flies so fast and I'm sure it's only going to get quicker from here! X

Oh and if at the end of the day everyone's fed, watered and content (even if frazzled) you've done a good job!

I have a bigger age gap than you (6 and 2) and I can remember crying my eyes out on our first night home. Dd2 crying kept waking dd1 up so she’d come into us crying and I felt like I had ruined everything!

It was also dd1’s 4th birthday 5 days after her sister was born. Cried most of my way through that as well!

Hi OP, it took a few months but a lot of that was because I had a super attached and cross baby!! While it was really hard, it really did go by in a flash! Take any breaks (guilt free) and give yourself time. At least we're not celebs having to look fab all the time

18 months ahead of you with almost the exact same gap. I’ll not lie, it was tough and we still have some difficult days, but I wouldn’t go back to those torturous newborn days for anything now. DS and DD do play together. DD adores her big brother and he is protective of her, even if he finds her annoying.

I’d say from about 3 months I felt like I was more confident with juggling them both, and from 6 months it was actually enjoyable.

Take all the help you can get. And 6 days is prime crazy hormone time for you. I definitely was an emotional wreck the first 2 weeks and then it settled down and I just had to focus on the sleep deprivation and actually getting through the day!