Maternity leave guilt

[Star39]

Hi all
I am currently on maternity and have been since beginning of September. I go back to work in October. My daughter is now nearly 7 months. I am beginning to feel anxious / guilty that I am not making the most of my maternity leave and I am scared I am going to go back to work and feel guilty and feel like I didn’t make the most of the time off. 2 days a week we attend a baby class but the other 3 days we don’t have a routine. Sometimes we go to the shops or for a walk. I have just started weaning her so sometimes a lot of the day is taken up by food prep. She’s happy enough to play in her mat with her toys. I don’t have any family of friends near as we moved here as was closer to work. I don’t feel like I can be full on with her all day (like my mum is when we see her) and I feel I am letting her down. I feel like I should be doing more but I don’t know what.
The first couple of months were tough as I had a difficult both with forceps and theatre and then didn’t heal properly with my episiotomy which meant more surgery. So for the first few weeks I couldn’t leave the house as it hurt to walk and get in and out of cars.
I just feel really guilty about how I spend my time with her - I feel the weeks are going by so quickly. I also feel quirky about being on my phone. I try to limit it to when I am breast feeding her but I do have the odd check through the day. I now feel guilty about even using it when feeding her.
Does anyone have any recommendations or is this simply what may leave is and I’m over thinking it? Maybe now it’s spring and the weather is getting better I can arrange to go out more Xx

I would say don't feel guilty at all. Make your mat leave how you want it. I've just gone back to work after a year off on mat leave and can honestly say I had the best year just getting to my know DS. We went to a few baby groups and classes but didn't have a routine at all. Some days we'd do nothing and he'd just play in the house and others we'd go and explore new places.
Just try and enjoy every moment and do what you want - there is no right or wrong.
If you're looking for things to do try looking at National trust membership, we had some great days out.

Sorry meant to add I know you said you had a rough few months but try not to let that impact how you feel now. I had a difficult first few months adjusting (I know different to the difficulties you had) and like you started feeling guilty but our DC won't remember these times, only the memories we tell them about 😀
Google luck

Maybe you aren’t ready to go back to work when you are due too.
Can you afford to stay at home or work part time?

Thankyou for the replies.
@ Redskyandrainbows67 my husband is unfortunately making me go back! I don’t even think part time is an option with my employer. When my daughter was first born I really missed work, not the job itself!, but the routine and the people. Then I felt massively guilty for feeling like that when I had a beautiful baby instead.
Maybe I am just struggling to think of things to do with her???
@wheresmarybloodypoppins the national trust is a good idea. What sort of things did you do?
She gets bored easily and I try and get out of the house as much as possible but it seems to be for a walk or the next local town / village. I don’t really know the area here at all.
I know I sound like a real sap but I just don’t want to regret anything when I go back to work. X

@Star39 my DS also gets bored easily 😂 he started walking just before he turned one and just wanted to be outside. I started back at work on Monday just for three days until September then I go full time and I think sending my DS to nursery is really going to help him with the boredom. For me going back to work is the best decision as we were driving each other mad at home but at nursery he can do so much. So far, only three days in and he seems to be enjoying it.
As for National trust I just looked at what's near me and we've done all sorts, visited houses, gardens, done for walks. Some have play areas where he's crawled around.
Or we've been to softplays or swimming, that really exhausts him!!
Have you tried the mush app? It's for mums to meet other mums. Having people to meet up with just helped have a bit of a routine.
Whereabouts are you in the uk if you don't mind me asking?

@wheresbloodymarypoppins I am in Oxfordshire, 30 mins from oxford and 15 minutes from high Wycombe. I have been to oxford loads shopping with her but maybe I need to look at it from a different angle.
I haven’t heard of the mush app but will have a look at that.
I keep telling myself that we have just got out winter and we couldn’t do much during the horrible cold weather anyway and she’s only now starting to be more on the move.
She starts nursery in October, I already have that sorted and although I know it’s for the best for her development I just feel very upset thinking about it, I hate the thought of her spending more time with someone else than me... maybe that’s what’s driving these thoughts I’m having now xx

I've just come back to work after almost 8 months on maternity leave. I felt the same way in the beginning - I missed work and, because my DD arrived early, I felt a bit bereft that I didn't get to finish work in the way I had planned and have a few weeks to myself pottering at home before she came. It's okay to feel like that! It's such a big change when you have a little one to look after.

Have a look on Facebook and see if there's any local groups that you could go to with her. I've found lots of churches to mum and baby groups, as well as the local libraries. In my area the children's service is excellent and runs free or very cheap baby sensory sessions my daughter enjoyed. Museums sometimes do sessions aimed at babies too, or theatres/stately homes.

On the days I have my daughter and I'm not at work, I have those moments of thinking "what do I do with you now?" once they've had a nap, a play, you've read to them, etc. I try and get out and take her for a walk, even if it's just to go to the corner shop for milk. We've started her with swimming lessons too, which she really likes. I take her to museums and heritage sites - we have English Heritage membership. She quite enjoys just staring at things and people in the tea rooms!

Someone at a baby group said to me you give birth to a baby, a placenta and a life time of guilt when you when you become a mother.

If you want to go out more then do buy if you done then don’t worry about. Personally I have to get out every day even if it’s to a cafe to the supermarket or I would go insane.

Don't feel guilty! It's hard when they're little because they don't really do much so there's only so many things you can take them to! You've still got plenty of time to do lovely things though.

I think sometimes it’s okay to have days that are more chilled as well. As mums we have so much guilt but there are times when you are tired and just want to have an easy day.

I’m not practising what I am preaching here by the way! I’m not well and looking after DD today and felt so rough I let her watch tv all afternoon - hopefully mum guilt eases eventually!

OP I'm in Oxfordshire too and have just started following a Facebook page called "family ticket" or something like that, with lots of reviews of places to go. I think the writer is based more north than you but they do seem to cover a fair distance!

Mat leave is whatever you want it to be. It sounds like your daughter is happy, well-loved and cared for. Do whatever you like - including going out to a few more places if you want to - and take her along. Don't overthink it. Enjoy it.
I'm pregnant with my third, due in August, and am very much looking forward to a year of doing whatever the two of us like during his two older brothers' school hours.

Thankyou all for your kind comments. @jackshouse that is so true! I’m sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for me to feel guilty in the future!
You have all spurred me on to make a list of some things to do in the summer in stretching from oxford to beaconsfield. The websites that have been suggested also sound good so I will definitely take a look. I know theres no right or wrong way I guess I just want to make the most of being off work with her. X

@Star39 I was exactly the same thinking about sending DS to nursery. I spent all last weekend in tears at the thought of him going on Monday (and it was his first birthday last Saturday so all very emotional). But honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought, as soon as I left him and got in my car to work it felt fine and to be honest nice to be able to drink a few hot cups of tea 😂
Try not to put too much pressure on enjoying the rest of mat leave.
One of the girls I work with said they went to Cliveden which is near Maidenhead, not too far from you, apparently that was really nice. Hoping to get there myself in the next few weeks x

I don’t understand the time consuming meal prep? Just chuck random food, cheese, apple , carrot , breadsticks etc on the high chair.

Hi OP

I don't think you should feel guilty about any of the stuff you described.

Have you been checked for PND or PNA? I only ask because an excessive sense of guilt is one of the indicators, and a traumatic birth and living far from family are two of the core risk factors.

Congratulations on your baby

@MyDcAreMarvel I have just started weaning my daughter and I am but nervous about baby led weaning. I had been steaming veg, cooking meat and then blitzing with the hand blender but it’s very deflaunngnwhen you have spent an hour prepping for her to reuse it! I would love to have more confidence with the baby led weaning but every time she gags I panic. I don’t want my nervousness to affect her so I haven’t let her do much self feeding.
@wheresbloodymarypoppins I’m dreading her first day at nursery. I am going to have to go back to a new role at work as previously I did a job with lots of travelling and spending time away from home - and I mean up to 2 weeks. Not possible now. Luckily I am going to be in the same team with same people as I didn’t want the added emotional stress of having. To start a new role in a new team. Maybe I will surprise myself and will be fine but I haven’t left her before as we don’t have a support network near to us. She is very confident - happy to play by herself etc so I think I will be more the problem.
I have driven past Cliveden before, I work in slough so have driven past it when I had to detour once because of traffic. I will definitely go and visit.
@yesimstillwatchingnetflix I haven’t been checked but I have spoken many times to HV re: anxiety. I worry about everything but I did before I was pregnant! I worried a lot when I was pregnant - I found out I was pregnant when I just got back from a work trip in India so had convinced myself I had Zika! Then a few months later I was worried about toxoolasmsosis! Since she was born I have asked the HV stupid questions and worry about everything - my latest thing is using my phone around her and whether or not it causes cancer! I’m a nightmare! X

@Star39 I promise you will be fine, the thinking about it is worse than the doing it. Honestly last weekend I cried a lot, even cried as I left the nursery but by the time I was at my desk with a hot cup of tea and adult conversation it was all fine.
I'm in the same boat as we don't have any family close so had only been away from DS for a day and even then DH looked after him.
Just remember it will take time for them to settle in nursery and it might not be easy but the nursery staff have seen it all before and know how to deal with it.
Also the same for me with work but I've decided to go back to my job full time in September but with a phased return. Luckily I only have some long days and odd nights away with work.
I'll have an ask around at work for you as a lot of people live your way and have kids so might have some good suggestions

@wheresmarybloodypoppins Thankyou so much that’s really kind - any recommendations would be great!
It took me ages to find a nursery I was happy with and I came away from looking at some in tears. I’m sure once the first day is over it will be fine. It’s the best thing for her and her development and I’m sure she will love it. A phased return sounds good, something I haven’t considered. We have KIT days but haven’t started using them yet.
Thankyou for all your help on this - I felt like I was the only person who felt like this! X

I love taking DS to beaconsfield model village.

Wendover woods is great for some fresh air and pram friendly walks if that’s not too far.

Or just have a mooch around Bicester village making the most of its quieter times during the week.
It’s surprisingly good for babies and it’s nice if you fancy treating yourself to something

Hi @bebeboeuf Wendover isn’t too far from me so Thankyou for that suggestion. I’m also wondering if there are any indoor options for days when it’s raining? Today started off wet so we didn’t go anywhere but by the afternoon it was dry - really annoying as then the day is wasted. We have been to High Wycombe a few times but I’m wondering if there’s anything else abit more inspiring? X

We went to wendover yesterday in spite of weather. Just had wellies and macs and all was fine.

Indoors I take him to the natural history museum in Tring. It’s just all animals so he loves that.

Tring might be a bit far out though?

@WooWoo1000 yes we do baby sensory and monkey music which is £160 for both. Sometimes I have taken her to Starbucks for a coffee just to get out and she lives looking at people. Maybe I should do that more often! Anything baby related seems to be astronomical in price so there is only so many classes you can do!

@bebeboeuf I have been to trying a couple of times to go for dinner, I love Tring. it’s a little out of the way but not by much. I didn’t know there was a museum? X

Mine is 5 months and I totally get this! Today we haven't left the house and yesterday we walked to Lidl. I do a couple of classes but none are on til May now due to schools being off and anywhere I think of to go is rammed because of easter!

It's been a long old winter but I'm going to factor in the park to our routine when it's nicer on the days we haven't done anything this winter.

If you have an Odeon, Newbies baby cinema is good.