Maternity leave guilt

[Star39]

Hi all
I am currently on maternity and have been since beginning of September. I go back to work in October. My daughter is now nearly 7 months. I am beginning to feel anxious / guilty that I am not making the most of my maternity leave and I am scared I am going to go back to work and feel guilty and feel like I didn’t make the most of the time off. 2 days a week we attend a baby class but the other 3 days we don’t have a routine. Sometimes we go to the shops or for a walk. I have just started weaning her so sometimes a lot of the day is taken up by food prep. She’s happy enough to play in her mat with her toys. I don’t have any family of friends near as we moved here as was closer to work. I don’t feel like I can be full on with her all day (like my mum is when we see her) and I feel I am letting her down. I feel like I should be doing more but I don’t know what.
The first couple of months were tough as I had a difficult both with forceps and theatre and then didn’t heal properly with my episiotomy which meant more surgery. So for the first few weeks I couldn’t leave the house as it hurt to walk and get in and out of cars.
I just feel really guilty about how I spend my time with her - I feel the weeks are going by so quickly. I also feel quirky about being on my phone. I try to limit it to when I am breast feeding her but I do have the odd check through the day. I now feel guilty about even using it when feeding her.
Does anyone have any recommendations or is this simply what may leave is and I’m over thinking it? Maybe now it’s spring and the weather is getting better I can arrange to go out more Xx

The Tring museum is fantastic. Not too big. It’s an offspurt if the national history museum and houses the rothschikds collection of taxidermy.

As long as you don’t have a problem with taxidermy is excellent for children as they see so many ‘real’ animals all in one space without the need for a zoo.
It’s also free and the parking is good.
Avoid during school holidays as Some floors are quite compact.

I’m trying to think what else I do on a rainy day but I tend to just wrap up and get wet now.

I spend a lot of time around Thame, Marlow, Tring, Berkhamsted.
Actually that’s a good point - feeding the ducks at marlow or Henley is a good way to spend an hour.

@bebeboeuf I’m literally 4 miles from athame andbtahs where we do our classes so we do spend a lot of time there but mainly shopping!
We definitely try the museum in Tring. I have not been to berkhamstead - is there anything there worth going to?
@hammeringinmyhead - as soon as the weather improves it will be so much better. Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. There’s only so many walks you and I around your village on an overcast day! X

Hi @Star39

I just wanted to come on and just very quickly say that I think I know exactly how you feel. I'm due to go back to work imminently after an amazing 15+ months off. A few months ago I felt petrified of this time coming around too quickly as I felt I'd never feel ready to leave my little one with a nursery. I also suffered huge guilt pangs whenever I felt as if I wasn't keeping him busy or stimulated enough. We too did baby groups (proper organised activities) on two days a week, and the other three weekdays were unstructured and usually pretty quiet. I always made sure we left the house at least once a day though, even if it was something small like popping to the shop or to post a letter or look at some ducks (?!).

Magically as my return to work date has approached, the guilty feelings have started to subside. I kept telling myself that I didn't want to look back on these wonderful months and think that I spent too much time worrying. Somehow that 'self-coaching' has worked and I now feel (relatively) comfortable with the idea of going back to work. And when I think about it, we've packed a lot in!

Don't worry too much about your phone. It's a bit of a lifeline, especially if you've no friends or family nearby at the moment. Your baby will be able to tell that you love her a whole lot more than you love your phone!

I hope it helps just to hear that someone else knows how you're feeling. I'd encourage you not to spend this precious time worrying that you're not doing things 'right'. There's no such thing. Take each day as it comes, and just enjoy all the cuddles and special moments. Some of your baby's happiest days at the moment will be the ones full of cuddles on the sofa. You really don't need to be charging around doing hundreds of baby groups unless you fancy doing that.

Wishing you lots more happy days of maternity leave ahead - enjoy!

Berkhamsted is just another Thame really (nearly identical shops too)
But I do like walking by the canal.

It won’t be any good yet but when your LO is a toddler the chinnor railway would probably be a good place to go.

Spending which direction out of thane you are there is a lovely forest with flat path going through the middle just outside of Oakley bear Brill and Long Crendon.
It’s called Bernwood forest.

Sorry all my suggestions are outdoors 😆

(When I’ve totally run out of ideas I take him to macdonalds for a happy meal)

When Christmas time comes around I’d definitely recommend the worlds end garden centre. Took DC when he was 6 months old and he was mesmerised.

You can visit tiggywinkles in haddenham to see animals? Nice and small for little ones.

People keep racing about green dragon eco farm but I’ve not been so can’t vouch for it myself.

There is just loads of farms around though so you’ll never get bored of going to the same one if yours ends up loving animals

Don’t feel guilty. But please DO get out more and meet more people. This is such a good time to learn your new area and meet people in your community before you are frazzled by commuting and always rushing to pick up or drop off.

I don’t think OP is in a new area just new situation.

Personally I did one class a week while mine was young and then filled my time by seeing family or friends and doing things I liked to do.

I’m glad I did those things as now he’s a toddler he’s quite opinionated on what he likes to do and doesn’t like to do so although I’m back to work, the days I do have with him are spent entertaining him rather than him fitting around what I want to do.

@bebeboeuf yes I am new to area. I moved here to be closer to work as I was commuting 3 hours a day. Thinking ahead for the future I didn’t think that was sustainable with children so I moved closer. However, what I didn’t factor in was the friends and family element! My parents don’t drive and although my friends are at work it would have been nice to know they were in close proximity! If I had had my baby back where I am from then I would know so many more places to go. I have seen sign for tiggywinkles so I will give that a go. I am compiling a list as we speak!
It’s good to have all of the outdoor suggestions coming up to spring/summer. I have even bought a baby suncream ready!
I have not been to Brill or Oakley. Are they on the way out of Thame? I’ve not even seen signs for them?
@ruffles I do hope your return to work goes well. I did read your post and it brought a tear to my eye - hormones still raging!! People just say you never get this time again etc etc and I was super scared of having this guilt of not doing enough with her when I was back at work or her seeing me on my phone a lot. But your post is very sensible and I do need to stop wasting time thinking negatively. When we do try and pack a lot into the day she gets very tired and then I complain we have done too much! It’s so difficult when they are young to know what to do with them and keep them entertained. But you are 100% right and I will certainly make sure I try and eliminate these feelings. It has made me feel better to read your post xx

You sound like an awesome mum, I have a 4 month old and have barely scratched the service of activities , we have play together , we spend 2-3 days a within Monday to Friday visiting family ( great grandparents and parents as this is the most time I will have to spend with them) and the occasion. Baby group with weigh in ( which he actually enjoyed last time / but we caught and awful cold from it so going back tomorrow for the first time and aim to make it regular ), been swimming once but it was too cold for him.

How would you do more though ? I use nap times to clean house / cook and just starting to try and sort out the garden some as and when ... the weekends are for husbands family and sometimes for us 3 to spend time as a trio if we are lucky 🍀... I need a couple of days at home to get the day to day stuff done ... feel like your being a little hard on yourself. X

I know how you feel op as I moved areas for work just before giving birth too.

I spent a lot of my spare time during maternity leave travelling around.

I do like being alone though so a quiet walk in a park, by a river or canal suits me quite well.

@Newmumma83 that’s really kind of you to say 😘
I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I think I read something on the dreaded internet and it just got my brain ticking. I’m feeling bad about the times I’m on my phone rather than paying attention to her or the times I get engrossed in the TV. I used to work in an open plan office so I find it difficult to have quiet in the office so usually just have the TV as background noise but it can get distracting. We do listen to music though a lot but I’m wary she’s starting g paying too much attention to the TV. This is why I think I should be getting her out and doing more with her. How that fits in with naps and meals etc I’m not sure...!
My daughter has never been put down to nap - she wakes as soon as I lay her in her cot so when she naps she’s on me. At the moment I don’t mind as we can have an hour or so of cuddling but I know I need to start getting her in a cot to nap before she starts nursery. In regards to housework - I do the ironing when she’s in bed and my DH is cooking the dinner. She also has developed a fear of the Hoover so I can’t hoover until my husband is home and can take her into another room. I used to do loads of housework around her when she was really small, tried ironing with her in sling etc as I felt I still needed to keep up with it. I find now I manage it better this way.
My husband takes her to water babies on a Sunday which she loves. I tried to take her during the week but asnyou said, it was freezing and I was worried about her. I’m going to look into getting her a warm wet suit.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself but I want to ensure I give her the best start as possible x

@bebeboeuf where did you travel to if you don’t mind me asking? X

Don't force yourself to go to classes and toddler groups, all she wants and needs is you. Just do things you want to do and take her along with you and she will be perfectly happy. Plenty of time for activities when she's older and actually understands what's going on and enjoys it.