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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

In tears with my 5yo's back chat

63 replies

Di11y · 02/04/2019 20:08

so DD was 5 in March, and her rudeness and back chat has got worse and worse over the last 6 months or so.

lots is low level, rude "no!" when I ask her to do something, or stupid mummy, shut up! etc or contradicting me. also a lot of lying to avoid getting into trouble (often about her little sister)

I usually tell her the rudeness isn't acceptable and I don't want to be around her when she's not talking in a kind and loving way and walk away, barring her from the room I'm in if necessary for a few mins and until i get an apology. not always possible if we're in the car or rushing to get out the house.

DH thinks we should be stricter and be putting her on the naughty step every time, I appreciate we can't let her get away with it but I'm worried this will lead to a power struggle and erode our relationship.

advice please!!

OP posts:

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/04/2019 09:05

Some great advice from math there. As an observation, it looks like your life is really hard at the moment OP and that a lot of things are out with your control. Don't make that trigger a feeling of transference - I wonder if you're trying very hard to control your 5 yo's behaviour because you feel like that's the one thing you should or can be able to control?

In other words, be kind to yourself and to her. Accept that she is picking up on some of the difficulties, accept that she is reacting to her father's treatment. I'm not saying ignore it, but be mindful of the causes.

I wonder if you would say that your DH is kind to your DD? In fact, I wonder if you would say your DH is kind to you?? Because it sounds to me like she's repeating the behaviour he is role modelling...

Greenlegobox · 03/04/2019 09:24

It sounds like her stress is coming out here, especially when you say about the tears over small things like breakfast.

UnaOfStormhold · 03/04/2019 13:21

Laura Markham has just put out an article on this and I think it would be worth giving this approach a go -
it brings together making clear that we don't talk to each other like that with a focus on finding out what is behind the behaviour. www.ahaparenting.com/blog/youre_not_the_boss_of_me

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

Happyspud · 03/04/2019 13:23

Try the book ‘calmer, easier, happier parenting’. You’ll find tools to help things not end up in a battle of wills. And better ways to deal with it when it does.

MariaNovella · 03/04/2019 13:25

Send her to her room (isolation) if she’s rude. It’s a very effective way of teaching small DC that they aren’t welcome to join in if they cannot be agreeable company.

Amongstthetallgrass · 03/04/2019 13:30

Maria I think all that proves is they will be cast out of the do something wrong.

somuchinfo · 03/04/2019 13:50

Defo naughty step of some kind. Has she heard other ppl talking in this way. Children often copy behaviour. Defo testing the boundaries. Praise all positive behaviour. Being nice etc lots of praise.

somuchinfo · 03/04/2019 13:52

Just read what you wrote about " the I'm the boss of you" and your worried it will become a power struggle. It absolutely will be a power struggle and you need to take back the power. Not in a negative forceful way but by jumping on the bad behaviour and praising the good! Will take a while won't happen overnight but at her age, you can definitely do it! X

Happyspud · 03/04/2019 14:09

Among, give kids some credit for intelligence. They are capable of understanding situations.

MariaNovella · 03/04/2019 14:12

I think bedrooms, where DC have toys and books and personal possessions, are not alienating in the way a «naughty step» where there is nothing to do can be.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 03/04/2019 14:20

I don't agree, if I have ever sent DD to her room she is utterly distraught.

Maria have you read the OP's updates as to what is happening within the family? I would not be sending a young child into isolation in these circumstances.

Original poster

Di11y · 03/04/2019 16:32

Thanks everyone, I'll have a mull and speak to DH.

interestingly she slept for 12.5 hours last night and woke in a positive mood that's endured after school. not much to pick up on. and she's taught me some moves she learned in PE.

a lot of the more 'gentle' parenting is how I usually parent, it's dh who is going with some posters here wanting naughty step etc. for those who do/did it, how old are your kids now and what's your relationship like?

I've told him I'm not happy with ramping up the punishments this close to the end of term and we're going back to my way for now, but with more focused positive time with her and a rethink on how we deal when she acts up.

anyway phone away for now so I can focus on the kids.

really appreciate all comments and book suggestions.

OP posts:

Connieston · 03/04/2019 16:37

I agree body language can be powerful. My furious hard stare is very effective even now on my 9 and 11 year old.

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