I need to get away from my 9 month old

[Rythmisachancer]

It became obvious that DC2 was emotionally v high needs from early on. DC1 is more laid back and enjoys spending time with grand-parents and husband, so I promised myself no guilt for dedicating most of my time to DC2 for the first 6 months as I knew DC1 would be fine.

9 months on and I've had enough.

DC2 behaves like a newborn. After ruling out any health issues, it is clear he just has a very highly strung personality. I still can't put him down. He wont go in a bouncy chair, a jumperoo- nothing. He's already cruising around the furniture so when I let him on the loose, he's in to everything and falling and hurting himself. If I do try to contain him in a chair so I can get something done, he screams this horrible angry cry that drives me to rage and tears. I can't even leave him in his highchair for 5 minutes whilst I clear up after lunch without this intense, horrible screaming.

I have started KIT days at work and he has begun going to nursery for short periods, but they too find him v difficult as he wants constant attention. I worry they won't cipe with him or he'll be left to cry on his own for long periods.

DC1 had been so wonderfully understanding but I'm really missing her now and want to play games/ read with her after school rather than sitting her infront if the tv whilst I hold DC2/ entertain and try to cook. She will play with DC2, but he only seems to want me and will scream pulling at my legs when I'm trying to cook. DC1 will be trying to get his attention but he's not interested.

I can't do a thing during the day. He won't nap in his cot either.

I'm getting to a point where I have to leave the room when he's screaming at times and just lie down and cover my ears for a few minutes for some space. Sometimes, I even get angry myself and will throw something at the wall. He is much better when we are out, but we have both been ill in the last 3 weeks and haven't been able to go anywhere or see many friends.

I really want to spend more time with DC1 now, I've had enough. I also want some space in the day whilst DC2 naps.

He is breastfed and I can't Express much milk to take a break either.

Help?

Op have you got room for a big playpen? Mine was a godsend for keeping mine entertained. Saves them from hurting themselves too.

and - it's so hard when you don't get a second to yourself.

Do you have a partner to share the load a bit - maybe take the little one out for a screamy walk while you have some one on one time with your eldest?
I second the idea of a childproof room/corner where they can do as they please and don't have to be strapped into a chair (this seems to induce rage in many babies)

Is there any money in the pot for a little bit of help - a cleaner every couple of weeks, or some kind of mothers help type person? (No idea how that actually works but see it mentioned here)

Hope things improve and you ride this rough patch out okay x

It isn't the bf that's the issue, I bf dd for two years and she is a very independent confident child, never even shed a tear when leaving her with childminder/family. It will get better, but I'd let yourself leave him in a playpen with CBeebies on when you need a break. He will get used to it

Ah OP, you sound completely worn out.

My properly high-needs grumpy baby was DC1, which is much the easier way round I know, but DC2 - whilst heaps happier - is also a very cuddly/carry-me/only wants me kind of baby. It can be so tricky balancing their needs, especially when the eldest is largely able to wait and entertain themselves and you just want the baby to shut up so you can pay attention to the big one for a bit instead.

I think nine months is an especially hard age for most babies - lots of separation anxiety and stranger anxiety going on, lots of cognitive and physical development, lots of reasons for babies to grumble and need extra reassurance, and after nine months of it all maternal energy and patience is rapidly wearing thin. It's easy to accept that a newborn needs constant holding, much harder when it's a hefty nine month old who wants to be held and also to lurch forwards and grab at the cooking or whatever else you're multitasking with.

I think you have some options. You can try to shift your mindset and 'wait it out'. You can leave the baby with someone else for a bit (nursery, other parent if there is one, grandparents if they're involved, a good friend) and trust that even though the baby might protest, they're safe and cared for and will muddle through, because your needs (and those of DC1) matter too. I wouldn't worry about being able to express or not at 9mo. Either way it will pass but that's very little comfort now.

It's okay to be not okay OP.
It's okay to be fed up and frustrated.

You need time for you and time for your older dc.

Do not feel guilty about this.

Get dad to take over in the evenings.
No baby ever died from crying too much- my dr told me that.

If you know he is safe, fed, watered and clean it is okay to need a little escape.

It will get better.

Mine are 18month apart and the first was an angel, the second is still an attention seeking monster. No matter how much attention she gets she wants more.

I used to hand her to her dad as a screaming hell beast and go sit in the garden.

I have also happy handed her over mid tantrum to nursery.

Breast feeding is a red herring. Some babies are clingy some are not. I do think that if they sense you don't want to be around them they will cling on harder.

Lastly out of site out of mind. If you weren't there he would eventually calm down and get on with whoever is there care if for him.

The bf is really not the issue. Why would suddenly stopping breastfeeding magically make her child less clingy? He already is clingy. At no point does she state that he feeds loads etc, I imagine at 9 months he doesn't feed that much anyway, my 9 month old feeds 4 times a day and once overnight. If op child is anything like my clingy baby, its little to do with feeding and more just craving the closeness or attention. Some babies are just more highly strung than others but I imagine most babies grow out if it. I'm hoping that when my ds starts moving more and is able to communicate a bit better than it will improve.

Posted too soon. Basically I don't think you can change your baby to make them less 'needy', only your response. For some parents the right response might be to reframe it, vent, have a glass of wine or a cup of tea or whatever, and then double down and embrace the 'what new feat shall I accomplish with a baby on my hip today?' game. For other parents, it's handing the child over to someone who WONT give up and say 'I think they need you now' before the agreed time is up, because you 100% need that break. I think of this as being a bit like when I was soothing my inconsolable colicky babies - they cried for hours but I was cuddling them and rocking them and talking to them and even though it didn't seem to be 'working', it WAS enough and it was how we built our relationships together. So I think a baby who is being comforted by a dad or grandma or nursery worker or uncle or whatever - even if they're sad because they'd prefer their mum back - is going to be ok.

FWIW my DS still has traces of that high needs baby in him (he's now 7) and I view him completely differently, it's not a defect any more. He's thoughtful and sensitive and has high expectations of the world and complicated ideas in his head and I love all of that about him; he couldn't have had all those traits in that way and been a contented, biddable little baby.

Oh I feel for you! I found 8/9 months to be pretty tough. First child and the first year of his life he was pretty demanding. What you describe sounds familiar. I used to want to throw things when people talked about playpens or bouncer chairs (actually slings worked for us sometimes). I would think ‘sure I’ll do that if I want screamy angry baby’. Which is why I am only having one!

Around this time he started at his childminders a couple of days a week. He took a really, really long time to fully settle there but I trusted her long experience and that she’d call me if he really wasn’t having it. After all, he’s going to cry with you or her, you may as well take that time and space. It’s important.

Things got a lot better at 10 months when he started cruising and wobbly steps. I think his entire life he’s wanted to be onthe move! It could well be frustration for yours, and if cruising now quite possible he’ll be mobile soon. It brings its own challenges but once child proofed, my son was happy to potter about in the same room without the level of Input needed previously.

I also would take him out of the house and do lots of walking/ parks/ sitting in cafes. He likes his buggy and that’s still pretty much the only place he sleeps. I just couldn’t bear being in the house and being screamed at. Not sure how feasible with 2, but outings passed the time much more happily than being stuck with an angry baby at home.

Finally - could your partner or family take baby for a few hours on weekend so that you can spend some quality time with daughter?

@nellwilsonswhitehair yes! Agree very much re finding your own way and changing expectations is key. I remember feeling quite emotional one day when I finally felt like I was ok to be at home, and that we might even be able to hang some washing out. That was partly a change in him, but also in how I felt and responded.

My DC was like this until he was around 2 ... nightmare. Hated it. Sling was the only thing that gave me 5 mins peace.

I feel for you. It WILL pass.

DC is now a fabulous 6 year old

I found things that aren't toys work with mine when he's being clingy - so wooden spoons & pans, pipe cleaners in the holes of a colander, an old handbag with stuff in it, a tissue box. Playpen to contain for a short while.

I'm sorry it's such a tough time

FWIW my DS still has traces of that high needs baby in him (he's now 7) and I view him completely differently, it's not a defect any more. He's thoughtful and sensitive and has high expectations of the world and complicated ideas in his head and I love all of that about him; he couldn't have had all those traits in that way and been a contented, biddable little baby.

This ^^^

One of the best things I have ever read on Mumsnet. What a beautiful way to view it.

I know you said the daycare find him hard work, but unless they are actually refusing to have him, I would have his hours increased, assuming you can afford it. You sound really knackered and you will be a better and happier mother when you are getting more of a break.

You can't change a baby's personality IMO, but you may just have to toughen up a bit and develop a more philosophical attitude towards the crying. At 9mo he's moving towards the toddler phase, meaning that you also need to start shifting towards the mindset of "he doesn't always get to have whatever he wants right now just because he is screaming, and a bit of crying is not going to break him." Stick him in a safe space, be hard-hearted and just ignore the crying for a minute or two before picking him up. Over time, increase the number of minutes. Use ear plugs if he has a really grating cry (I am being serious). Sounds hard, I know, but a certain amount of crying is not going to harm him. It won't do him any harm to have to do the same at nursery, either. And you can't stagger around with a near-toddler in a sling for hours on end!

The BFing thing is a red herringmy current BF baby is calm and will happily sit in her bouncer etc. My elder BF baby was more intense. A 9mo should be on 3 meals a day and drinking from a cup, so BFing should not make much difference to baby-care patterns at this age. I certainly would not bother with introducing a bottle at this stage, as some posters have suggestedwhat on earth would the point of that be?

Please read ‘Raising your spirited child’ - it will make sense of your intense baby. Just reading the words on the cover made me feel twenty times better. It also gives suggestions on how to make your situation easier.
You do need a break every now and then. It is very full on with a child like yours. Are there any people you could call on for ‘babysitting’, even if you’re in the house, so you can have a breather?

Thankyou so much for all these responses. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings.

He is extremely sensitive as some have pointed out, which makes him beautifully loving and affectionate, much more so than my laid back DC1 actually. I know I'll be applauding his detemined, loyal little nature as he grows and he reminds me of me so I can empathise with him, but I just need some space.

I will try cordoning off part of the room as suggested and let him roam free, where he is safe to rage if he feels the need to and I can escape.

Getting out is important for both our sanity but due to illness, it's been impossible. We have the support of grand-parents close by but DH and I both feel we already ask enough of them.

DH could do more with DC2 and will have to when I return to work in 2 weeks time.

No Rythmisachancer he needs to NOW, because you need him to NOW because you are a team

It will probably feel a lot better when you’re able to get out. Xx sounds like a plan for a start.

I think it’s wrong to dismiss the fact that many many breastfed babies look to the breast for something other than milk and it causes attachment issues. Of course it does. It’s a source of immense comfort and bonding which in my experience becomes more relevant as they are weaned.
It’s a question of each individual child and how you deal with it

I’ve had three breastfed babies, none of whom have been at all ‘clingy’.
Stopping breastfeeding him isn’t going to change his personality! He’s not all of a sudden going to stop wanting the comfort of his mum.

@eatmycheese of course breastfed babies look to boob for things other than sustenance. That doesn’t mean it creates attachment issues? What a strange idea.

I’ve also had three breastfed babies and at nine months old two of the three were most definitely clingy.
As I say each to their own and when they are pushing boundaries etc in terms of driving you round the twist then often many of us put them to the breast for a bit of peace precisely for that reason.

That was in layman’s terms what I meant by attachment issues not some Oedipus esque behaviour 😂

When he's screaming, put him in a safe place eg cot.
Go and give yourself a break from him, put the radio on go in the garden, put your hands ovver your ears, whatever, for a few minutes. It will do him no harm and do you a lot of good.

I really feel for you. My DS was the same and it was hell. I cried one day when a friend told me I was doing well because he wasn’t an easy baby. She was mortified, thought I was upset because she’d insulted DS. I was crying because finally someone else had said it and I felt relieved.

Going back to work helped. He got much more comfortable with other people and that was actually lovely to see. At 18 months he’s still a sensitive soul but it’s so, so much better. Time was what helped. It will pass

I agree with others about the needy baby and the child he may become. I have a sensitive, inquisitive, all seeing, all knowing child who completely bamboozled me when he was a baby.

I found him (my second ds) really hard work and remember describing him as high maintenance and needy on many occasions. Tbh a lot of the first year/18 months is a blur now 13 years on but he is a wonderful, affectionate, heart on his sleeve boy with a wonderful sense of humour who really does get stuck into everything.

Your boy can't change - he just needs to grow into himself and find his feet (metaphorically).

In the meantime please take the help you can (paying for it if necessary if you can) and go easy on yourself.

Hi OP. I know you’ve had loads of replies already but thought I’d just mention my daughter is the same- we have a parents of screamers thread in parenting if you would like to post on it.

I think bf has been looked on negatively on this thread- For me I didn’t ‘choose’ to breastfeed. I genuinely felt it was the only choice for various reasons. I know a lot of bf babies and none of them are as clingy as my daughter! I think it is just her personality.

What gets me through the day right now to be completely honest is Peppa Pig and a baby proof living room. Loads of ‘forbidden’ type toys (keys, spoons, boxes) as she seems to have little interest in proper toys!

I love DD but she has brought me to the edge of despair at times and I don’t even have an older child to think of.

Take all the help you can get and be kind to yourself. Good luck!