Did you have a second child before you felt ready?

[Mummy428]

My 2yo toddler is such a handful, and with no family nearby to give any respite, DH and I are exhausted.

We'd dearly love more than one and for DCs to be close in age. Also I am almost 40 so I don't want to wait too much longer. But we can't imagine coping with another handful! We're resigned to a 4y age gap at best.

But if you just went ahead anyway, how did you cope? Was more manageable than you expected, having been through it all once before and without the pressure to make things perfect for first born? Or did you wish you had waited longer?

I just went ahead. I was 36 by the time I had DD2 and had been concerned I might not conceive. It was fine largely. I was so glad DD who was 3 by that time, had a sibling.

The first couple of weeks were tough due to having a section but then it made no difference. Of course you have to juggle bedtimes and deal with jealousy but you just cope. It depends how much you want another OP.

We tried a year earlier than we said we would but I wouldn't say I felt unready by the time baby came.

When DD was just 2 we conceived then had my DS when she was just shy of three. In that 9 months he changed so much and I felt more prepared by the time her brother arrived.

We have no family locally either. The age gap now works really well and I'm really happy we didn't wait longer.

My situation is slightly different to yours but I definitely have my second before I was ready. My eldest was 12m when my youngest was born. They're one and two now. It was tough but I have no regrets

Yes. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel ‘ready’ (DD1 was a horrific sleeper) but definitely wanted more than one.
The first 6 months were tricky with two awful sleepers, but it got much easier.
Then when DD2 was almost 3 I actually felt ‘ready’ for a third!

You never really feel ready imo. I was trying for my second baby and as soon as I got pregnant I thought 'what the hell have I done?!'. You never know the second could be a dream! :)

Dc2 isn't here yet (due in May). We wanted 2 quite close together and be done with it. So I think to some extent we went ahead before being 100% ready and I dad have several WTF Have I Done moments as I had a dreadful first trimester and numerous illnesses. Not going to lie, I'm finding this pregnancy a lot tougher with a newly 2 year old but I'm also glad we went ahead as I'm also ready to be done with pregnancy and newborn stage, so I can at least look forward to that.

I think if we'd waited much longer, we wouldn't have had another child as we would have gotten too comfortable, if that makes sense.

I had DS2 when DS1 was 21 mths, very hard work! But worth it.

We knew we wanted another baby and didn’t expect to fall pregnant so quickly the second time around.

My DS’ are 17 & 16 now and really close.

There is never a right time, just go for it.

No we waited. A close age gap would have been lovely but mentally and financially we weren't ready before now (I don't want to give up work and the cost of 2 in nursery at once was unmanageable). I'm now expecting dc2 and there will he a 4.5yr age gap. I'm actually now quite pleased about how the gap will play out as dc1 is old enough to really understand, there's no jealousy or competition as they will always be at different points in their lives

We had a two year age gap. So had a newborn at the same stage you're at now.

You do just kind of cope and get on with it. It becomes normal. The youngest did just kind of fall into the routine. There were hard days, but you just carry on.

Comparing how my kids were at 2, I think my eldest was easier because I didn't really have a lot of time or energy for typical toddler tantrums. So they largely went ignored. My youngest was definitely harder at 2 because he got all my attention with the eldest being at school by then.

I do have a lot of family nearby who helped and both DS slept well in the night from a young age. I wouldn't have even considered another if eldest wasn't sleeping well.

I obviously don't know any different, but I think a close age gap is good. The boys are 6 and nearly 4 now. We're definitely out of the storm now. No more nappies, sleepless nights, bottles, prams, having a cart around 5 million changes of clothes etc. I'm glad all the baby stuff was done quite close together in one big hit. I look at how my kids are now and couldn't imagine having a baby and a 4YO.

I don't really understand, if you (understandably) find it hard, why you'd wait and get right out of the zone, only to go back into it.

I found it hard - again, no support - so we TTCd No. 2 when No. 1 was 7 months old. We just wanted to get the baby stage (which I really struggled with) over and done with.

2 under 2 was bloody hard, but we love it now. They're 18 months apart and great friends.

I don’t know if I felt ready when DC1 was 2 years old but I really didn’t want a massive gap so tried and fell pregnant with DC2 straightaway and ended up with a just less than 3 year gap. I found having two brilliant but DC2 was a very easy baby and toddler and I loved watching their sibling interactions. DC3 when DC2 was 4.5 is whole different story and we are only just regaining our equilibrium as a family and recovering from exhaustion now he is 6!!!! But nonetheless he is worth it and now I really enjoy have one who is still so cute and cuddly and now he is older he can play more with the others so a bigge gap hasn’t been terrible either.

17 months between mine (accident...) and it's been pretty shit but I have awkward children. I don't really regret it, just have to deal with it.

I always said I wouldn't have another until dc1 was in school, but accidently fell pregnant when she was about 20 months. I was terrified, and to be honest, if it weren't for my dh and how happy he was about it, I would have considered my options... fast forward to now, we have a 4 yo and 2yo, and it was the best thing that could have happened to us. The girls are so so close, absolutely adore eachother and entertain one another for hours. I 100% I didn't feel ready, and cried pretty much every day of my pregnancy, but I'm so glad we had our 2nd when we did now. I find it easier now with the 2 then when I had 1 2yr old dc, because they play together and entertain eachother. dd2 just wants to be like her big sister so seems so much more grown up and easier to handle. and first dd loves helping to look after her little sister and teaches her so much.

Yes.
I fell “surprise pregnant” with DC2 when DC1 was 8 months old
I was terrified.
Turns out baby + toddler is way easier than massively pregnant + toddler!!

We wanted a small age gap. Started TTC when DS was 1. Got pregnant immediately with twins - 20 month gap.

I was ready for one, not 2 more! We survived.

Yes, I had two of under two and DC1 is 'spirited' let's say 😂

It was hard but I wouldn't have it any other way. Very intense at the beginning but they have effectively grown up together, the eldest has no recollection of life before DC2 and already there are things that are appropriate for them to do together. Got the sleepless nights over in a shorter time and now they both sleep through I'm feeling quite human again!

There's pluses and negative to small and big gaps and I think we'd never have children full stop if we over thought it. Oh and I had no family locally but a very supportive DH which is a game changer!

I'm on the same page as yogagirl123. We have 20 months between ours. I had an easy first pregnancy and difficult second with morning sickness and insomnia. When DD was born I still had DS at home too and in nappies. With a 4yr gap at least you will have the older one in nursery/school for part of the day. We had lots of my sons friends round and she loved sitting in a bouncy chair watching them play. School friends of my sons often had a younger one too so despite not having any family close by, I had lots of company with them on play dates. All mums have bad days when everything feels exhausting and you can't imagine adding a new baby, but when your son starts at school you'll find a whole new support network, even if it's just for a coffee and chat whilst the boys are busy wreaking havoc!

When dc2 arrives in July/August the age gap between her and ds will be 20 months.

This was not planned. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted another and I was on the pill. But. It’s happening. It’s going to be exciting/scary/tough/lovely and wel’ll deal with it.

We’d talked about dc2 but I had said to dh I didn’t feel ready. And maybe leave it for a few years. But my body clearly had other ideas.

I’ve gone through a whirlwind of emotion this time. Suprise and shock, anger, sadness, guilt and now I’m feeling dd move around and I’m over the 20 week point happiness.

I’m also 35 this year so there was no question of terminating and trying again in a few years. Realistically this could be my last shot.

I waited and then we had difficulty conceiving number 2 my kid will be 3.5 when the next is born if this pregnancy works out. I wish I'd gone earlier but she seemed si h a handful until she turned 2 since then it's been bliss. So now I regret waiting. It's tough though

I wasn't ready when I started trying for number 2. I was fairly sure I wanted another at some point, but I was pretty terrified of going through the baby stage again, so I wasn't completely ready when I decided to go for it. DS took several months to conceive, so I figured it might be the same, and during that time, I might begin to feel ready.

Then I got pregnant first month. Then I found out it was twins. I absolutely adore my bigger than expected family now, but my mental health took a huge battering when I was pregnant. I didn't enjoy it one bit - not enjoying pregnancy anyway, combined with the fear of two babies, combined with the stress of it being a twin pregnancy. I wasn't in a good way. Somehow didn't end up with PND as I did with DS. I actually found life with three a lot easier than I was imagining. Somehow, despite being massively busier than first time round, I was able to enjoy it more. Maybe it was because I knew that that was it, whereas first time round I kept thinking that if I wanted another, I'd have to go through those tough times again.

Yup. 5 months after no 1. I was mighty pissed off yo be pregnant again. All good in the long run.

I did. It was semi accidental as our first child took a really, really long time to conceive so we thought number two would as well. We have an extreamly small gap, so your would be at least twice as big even if you had baby 2 very quickly.

It was incredibly difficult for the first two years. Then it got easier. In a lifetime I think it was good, maybe even better than my ‘plan’ but for those two years I got to my edge and over it at times. I didn’t have as much support for a variety of reasons as I needed. So my best advice would be do it, but plan for 2-3 years of it being really tough. Outsource any domestic stuff you can and ask and accept help. I’m rubbish at that to be honest!

With all due respect OP, as you are nearly 40 I don't think you have time to hesitate.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm younger. DS is 2 and I definitely want another, I'm just not sure i can face it yet - but I'd also like to get it over with! And I don't want a huge age gap.

It's difficult without family support but if you can afford it maybe you could get a "mother's help" or something? We're going to see if we can budget for something like that.

Thanks for all the responses - it's good to hear that it was worth it after some tough times.

I guess I was trying to guage if my struggling to cope is normal or worse than most mums. I'm lucky that DH takes a large share of the load - he recently became a SAHD and does all the cooking and a lot of the housework. I've also been given an opportunity at work that will make it very difficult to fit a pregnancy in for a couple more years. We're trying give me more sleep by weaning DS off night feeding and DH doing all of the bedtimes and nights with DS, but often in desperation we fall back into old habits, so I'm still not getting as much sleep as I need and we both so exhausted. And DS is exhausting - so demanding of attention, can barely be left alone. In the midst of all this I don't know if we can manage another baby where things could be even worse for a couple years before they get better. But it makes me feel sad to think that I might just close myself off to the possibility of a bigger family.

if you can afford it maybe you could get a "mother's help"

Thanks for the suggestion. We could have afforded it when we were both working, but DH is taking a career break so it's out of the question for the moment.