Did you have a second child before you felt ready?

[Mummy428]

My 2yo toddler is such a handful, and with no family nearby to give any respite, DH and I are exhausted.

We'd dearly love more than one and for DCs to be close in age. Also I am almost 40 so I don't want to wait too much longer. But we can't imagine coping with another handful! We're resigned to a 4y age gap at best.

But if you just went ahead anyway, how did you cope? Was more manageable than you expected, having been through it all once before and without the pressure to make things perfect for first born? Or did you wish you had waited longer?

Watching with interest as I'm currently burying my head in the sand about my (accidental) second pregnancy. 6 weeks, haven't told DH, DO NOT feel ready. Struggling emotionally but DS (14mo) keeps me busy and I sometimes forget for hours at a time! Which makes a nice change from the last pregnancy

You haven't night weaned yet?
We night weaned when DS was 10 months and it made things so much easier.
The night weaning itself was hard for a while but you really do have to stick with it and remind yourself that it will pay off.

I'm slightly different from most of you as I'd have said I felt ready to TTC again as soon as DD1 turned one. However for me 'ready' meant that I didn't find the potential age gap scary and the curiosity and desire to find out if I could conceive again outweighed any misgivings I had about being pregnant again. I was young but desperately wanted DD to have a sibling, as did DH, so started TTC as soon as the idea of going through it all once more wasn't abhorrent.

I actually wish I'd TTC sooner before I got to the toddler years! Apart from the lack of sleep, DS was a lovely baby and I loved being on maternity leave. I could have imagined having a second baby before he started walking and everything became a hazard and he became so demanding, much more than I can now!

You haven't night weaned yet?

We almost got there when I went away for work and left DH to cope on his own. They had a tough few nights. Then I got back looking forward to lots of sleep, and we slowly lapsed back into old habits. 😔 It's better than it was, but now that DS know I'm back, he's inconsolable some nights and I can't bear to leave him too long, even though he's with his dad the whole time.

I know that night weaning will help loads but it makes us all so miserable, I don't have the willpower to do it completely.

I wasn't ready because he was a complete surprise. There are 2.2 years between them and it was a damn sight easier second time around. Your life has already gone to shit (lighthearted- ish) you can just about tolerate the lack of sleep, and you have more confidence. That being said, any gap will have its advantages and disadvantages whether its a year or 4+.

Oh yes

It took us 3 yrs to conceive our first and one month to conceive our second 🤷‍♀️ It’s been tough for me because both children have medical needs and I’ve often had to prioritise one child over the other. Now their conditions are under control, they are both walking and can play together it feels like we are slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure I would ever have felt ready for the second, but knew I desperately wanted another and was the wrong side of 35.

I got pregnant when my 1st was 9m. Breastfeeding is not reliable contraception . God knows when we would've chosen to have a second as our first was a terrible sleeper. I felt VERY daunted by the prospect but actually I'm so happy to have got all the sleepless nights over and done with. They will be into the same stuff and days out/holidays will be easier etc. It's worth the first two years of utter exhaustion I think!

Well, toddlers are hard enough to deal with even after a good night's sleep.

Sometimes parenting is about doing the difficult things, saying no and setting boundaries even if they don't like it.

It's your choice of course and some people do choose to continue cosleeping and breastfeeding at night for as long as their child wants.

Whatever you do I think it's kindest to the child to choose something and stick to it rather than do a half hearted attempt at one or the other.

There is actually 4.5 years between my first and second. I fell pregnant immediately with my oldest, it took nearly a year of trying with my 2nd and I kinda wish the gap was a bit closer she wise. They love each other but have very different interests (now ages 7 and 2.5 years old) although will play together outside etc. Ds2 is much easier than ds. I fell pregnant with my third without trying at all. There will be 2 years 9 months between my kids. I am 38 and won’t be having anymore.

I actually think in a lot of ways 2 kids is easier than 1. In terms of cooking, cleaning and housework it’s more but they entertain each other.

No, we waited. Nearly 5 years between dd1 and dd2 and it's perfect. Dd1 started reception when l was on mat leave so I got that first year, made friends at school and then had all day with dd2.

It was so much easier second time around.

Dd2 is 3.5 now and dd1 8 and they still play really well together.

NameChange30
With all due respect I don't think the OP started this thread to garner unwanted opinions on her sleeping and feeding arrangements

@Unihorn thank you. You're correct, there's no advice left to give me re co-sleeping or night weaning, we're doing what we can.

Still appreciating everyone sharing their experiences.

I was recently reading about a family which had sextuplets, and the thought of 6 DSs running around screaming and needing to be toilet trained, made me feel ill. I know it's not really the same, but the thought does give me a lot of pause when I think about having more - you don't know what life will throw at you. I feel we are very lucky with what we have and I'm afraid of upsetting the balance.

DH is also conflicted between wanting to grow our family and thinking it's madness to try for another one now. I think we both don't want the responsibility of another baby right now, we just want to fast forward to when they are both out of nappies and tantrums and are in the "good stage". Maybe we really aren't ready for another!

But my friend had just had her second and she says that even though it's hard work, your love isn't divided, it just grows - I want that too. And I love the idea of the kids not needing you to play with them constantly because they have each other to play with.

Fundays12 that's very reassuring to hear, thank you.

Dd was 8 months old when I fell pregnant again. Am currently 23 weeks and so scared of what life will be like with 2 so close together! Reading the replies has helped ease my nerves (a tiny bit).

Well, this thread is about whether and when to have a second child, and the factors that affect that decision. Exhaustion is clearly a key factor! It certainly was/is for us and we've only been able to contemplate another child since our sleep improved.

I was trying to make some helpful suggestions, but they're not wanted so that's fine, I won't go on about it.

Based on everything you've said, OP, it sounds to me as if you and your dh don't feel ready for another child, which realistically means that you will probably stop at one, and that's a perfectly valid choice FWIW I think you'd find a way to make it work if you did really want another. But it's not compulsory!

But my friend had just had her second and she says that even though it's hard work, your love isn't divided, it just grows - I want that too. And I love the idea of the kids not needing you to play with them constantly because they have each other to play with

This is all true. Definitely. My eldest is incredibly outgoing and sociable, the kind of child who makes "friends" with random kids at the park. I didn't realise this when I got pregnant at 9m but by the time her brother was born she was 18m and I thought "god I'm glad she's gonna have someone to play with now!". He's nearly two now and they actually do play together while I get stuff done, it's lovely.

It sounds like DC1 is high maintenance. I would sort that out before TTC.
A friend of mine had 2 babies 16 months apart and really struggled and now she's had a third. She's been miserable for about 5 years now - tired, not much sleep, can't go out. I don't know what she's playing at..
I would sort out where you're at now before adding to your workload.
We were mid 30s when we had DC1 who was born with medical issues. DH was then depressed for about a year, I lost my job. It was all kicking off.. we got little parental support, we moved house. Life was really shit for about 2 years. We went for medical screening to test whether we risked DC2 having the same issues. Turned out only 4% risk so we TTC. DC2 came along and he's lovely . They're 3 years apart.
I always wanted 3 kids but we've stopped at 2 as we both like our sleep and now we're over 40. The kids are 9 and 6 now and we're in a good place .

I wasn't entirely ready for my second. We had very good reason to believe we'd had difficulty conceiving a second so started to TTC on that basis. We conceived straight away, which was completely unexpected (although we obviously had known it was a small possibility).

The first few months were tough but after that the small age gap (less than 2 years) made life easier. My eldest is a high needs child. Once there was a play mate, there was less need for me and her dad to give constant attention and stimulation.

I have three girls, one is 13 and the other two are 4, and just a few days old. I adopted my first when she was 4 and I didn't feel ready until way after but soon after I had my second I wanted another lol! I would say go for it, it makes you feel happy knowing your kids have friends for life! but whenever you are ready, don't feel rushed! x

Kind of. It took us almost two years to conceive ds1, so when he was just over a year old we thought we'd start the ball rolling again so the gap would be less than four years. I fell pregnant first cycle. Which was wonderful but we weren't really the fully paid up members of wanting two under two brigade.