Mother in law always turns up unexpected

[Newmum201888888]

What are your thoughts on guests turning up unexpected... all the time?

When me and my partner had moved out together his mum had got herself and the rest of the family keys cut while we where away without asking. (Yes probably being helpful... good to have spares)

But I came home from work one time early afternoon because I felt really unwell so I stripped off and got straight into bed to have a sleep. The buzzer went but I wasn’t expecting anyone or any deliveries so I just ignored it next thing I could hear my boyfriends mum outside the apartment door putting the key in so I jumped up and shouted “I need to get dressed”... I open the door and his dad, mum and their friend Elaine are standing there to come look at our new tiles. My partner didn’t think anything was weird about it and thought I was strange for being in bed at that time.

Now we have a baby she constantly turns up but whilst my partner is at work and she’ll bring his nephew along sometimes too. I don’t know about you mums but if I’m spending the whole day trying to clean sometimes I’m still in pjs until 5pm.

Yesterday she didn’t even ring the outside buzzer you let herself in the first door and knocked on the apartment door. It makes me feel uncomfortable because if I was in the bath or even on the toilet and couldn’t hear the door would she of just let herself in?

I don’t know if I’m just super anti social where I find this annoying or it is weird for someone to not call before they show up? and how would you address the situation to mil?

It’s not that I don’t want to see his mum but I could be doing anything at the time or the baby might be due a nap so if she’d let me know I could plan around it and maybe have a tidier apartment when she turns up.

(This is also the mil who started weening my baby on rusks before I had started weening her myself)

I open the door and his dad, mum and their friend Elaine are standing there to come look at our new tiles.

Erm wtf! Who takes people to other people's houses to show off the decor? She sounds batshit.

If you're renting I'd tell the landlord has kicked up a fuss about other people having a key. If you own the house say the same thing about insurance.

I'd also tell her that you're busy so if she wants to pop in she needs to text first and let you know.

If you're not shy next time you here them you could just strip off and sit on the sofa waiting to greet them bollock naked 😂

Hear*

There is no way on earth I could cope with this. I think you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH and also need to change the locks!

I'd be shocked if your insurance is valid with unknown number of keys floating around.

Take back control - MIL, I'm trying to get he and DC into a routine, can you help by not popping by unannounced. We love seeing you, how about we meet-up on Thursdays for coffee and Mondays you come here and have lunch with us?
And we've just renewed our insurance and have had to list key holders. Can you retrieve all the keys you've given out please. Otherwise we'll have to change the locks.

Its a security and insurance issue if nothing else with so many unaccounted keys your insurance could be invalid. I would change the locks personally (it takes very little time and is easy to do) and don't give her a key. Frankly, you now have a baby and he has to put his own family (you and baby) before his Mother. If he doesn't then you have a really big problem on your hands because you will never come first for him.

This would drive me mental and its not OK at all! Tell her the key is for emergencies only and she needs to call before coming round.

My mil did this once when my husband didn't text them back. the door had the key in it though and she pressed her face up against the living room window. It was summer so we were laying around in pants. I think my attitude with them after put the message across and they haven't done it since.

How many keys did she get cut??

"Next time he suggests sex tell him you can't possibly as his dm could walk in." Yep!

But seriously this is ridiculous you have a right to parade around totally nude in your own home without the possibility if strangers being brought in!

Utterly ridiculous from a security perspective that a load of keys have been cut for randoms too! Check your home insurance as this could invalidate it in the event you're burgled.

With a mil like this "emergency" needs to be VERY clearly clarified (see the zillions of other threads with similar mil, one family it ended in moving towns and restraining orders!!)

Ie "mil an emergency is fire, gas leak, someone is seriously injured/unconscious or you lending us the spare if we've locked ourselves out and those are the ONLY reasons!"

"It’s so weird because she never does it when my partner is home" she's checking up on/controlling you

But as ever, your real problem is dh. He needs to prioritise you and DC now NOT his batshit mother!

No no no! I would hate this!

Locks changed and chain on door. Tell mil you're trying to get baby into a routine so she's needs to tell you when she's coming from now on.

I would also impose a sex ban! I'd genuinely feel weird about it anyway if his family member could swan in at any given time!

@lablablab We live in a ground floor apartment too if there is no answer she would look through the kitchen window haha

So are you going to do anything about it or were you just venting?

@gamerchick

Yes, I have told her today to either phone or text me if she’s thinking of visiting just in case I’m busy or the baby is sleeping.

Didn’t have the guts to mention that the spare key is for emergencies only (wishing my partner wasn’t still in her womb and tell her himself)

Do you have family close by?

Next time he feel frisky, text an alert word to your friend or parents and ask them to pop over straight away

DH wants an afternoon nap? Let your dad know to pop over with a drill and uncle Bert

Oh and for good measure tell everyone you’ve decided to embrace nudism and that will be the new ‘dress code’ when visiting

I would tell your husband that the locks get changed TOMORROW and if he doesn't like it his mummy will surely have a bed ready and waiting for him. Stop allowing him to put his mother first. That's absolutely unacceptable.

Can you put the chain on? When she cant get in it would give you time to put your coat on and say 'just off out' or call through the door that you are in the bath, see you another time etc.

Long term you need to address the problem with your husband.

Just because your DP is a walkover, you don't have to be.

Tell her not to do it again, set some boundaries. If she doesn't like it then tough shit.

Stand up for yourself and your DD.

I'd be tempted to change the locks & not give dh a set till he mans up 😜

Put one of those chains inside the door & lock it everytime your home. If she tries to come in, ignore her & continue to ignore if she peers in your window

Even reading this angers me. Your MIL is overstepping her boundaries tenfold.

Change the locks ASAP.

@Newmum201888888

This is incredibly bad manners and a display of the disrespect this woman has for you. Did she learn it from her son or did he learn it from her? Either way you have both a MIL problem and a DP problem.

How have you put up with this behaviour so far?

I'd not ask for any keys back (you know you'd never get them all back) just call the locksmith ASAP and get the locks changed. Get them to put a chain inside the door at the same time and check if they can put a key safe (for emergencies) outside your door. This has a keypad that you put a code in to release a spare key inside. Don't give your husband the code.

Tell Him if you ever find he's given his key or a spare to ANYONE he can go and live with his mother. Seriously, if he didn't want to stop being a mummy's boy he should stayed at her home and not got in a serious relationship and had a child. It really is time he grew up and stopped treating you with such disrespect.

I hope you find the strength to do this OP - either that or take your baby and leave as it won't get better otherwise.

I remember your last post.

Your MIL is a problem.

Nip it in the bud, she will only get worse.

Change your locks. No new key for her. Get a chain lock on your inner door as well. Tell her that from now on you want her to check with you before she comes over. If you're worried about offending her give her some BS about how you're busy and you don't want her to waste the journey if the time is no good.

But this woman has no boundaries. Her ideas about her entitlement to you, your child and your home are ducked up. You need to lay down the law. It will be unpleasant because she will kick off and use your DH to try and make out that you are being mean or excluding her.

It is right to exclude people who don't live in the home from letting themselves into the home. It is right to exclude people who aren't parents from parenting choices. You are within your rights to set boundaries and your partner needs to grow up and hold that line with you.

What other crazy shit does she do? It can't just be the rusks and the key things, I bet she has a full CV of overbearing nonsense if she thinks those other two things are fine.

Change the locks. No key for her. Who cares if she thinks you’re rude, she is massively more so! She has no respect for your boundaries at all.

Your DH has to step up and ask for all the keys back. If he doesn't change the locks yourself.

The thing is it sounds like the DH would give his MIL his new key if she changed the locks, to get new copies cut! I would hate this so much and had a small taste of it when we lived abroad above PILs house. They just used to walk in and we'd be laid in our underwear having a cuddle. It's so rude not to let you know she's coming.

It would need to be a honeat chat from me and I'd have to not worry about her reaction, as she doesn't care about how you feel does she. Say you need notice.

AND to knock!