advice on stubborn child that refuses activities

[fabnf]

Hi,

My daughter is 4, she is wonderful but she is VERY attached to me. When she was 2 I put her on a ballet class where parents join in, she had fun for about 8 months, then it came a time where they were going to do a presentation in the theatre and parents weren't allowed in, she refused to go and I ended up pulling her out of ballet.
Just a few months before we stopped the ballet I engaged her in a gymnastic class, again parents would join in so all was fine, after about 10 months she went to a level where parents were not allowed to join anymore but just to watch. So she cried and clung to my legs but one of the coaches just took her from my arms and let her joined the class crying, after about 10m she stopped crying and started to join, I couldn't believe! She continued for another 12 months and she was so good at it that she was asked to join a development class, everything was going great, then the winter came and she started losing interest, refusing to join in. I thought she was getting too tired as she was going at 4pm after a day at nursery/pre-school and the winter do let us down a bit so I thought we would give it a break, what else could I do? Can't force her to do it, I did try bribing but it didn't work!
So then there was some tennis taster classes at her pre-school, their teaches told me she would do well playing tennis so I went on to engaged her in tennis classes which she happily played for a good 6 months with me just watching her. Then again she started refusing to play for no apparent reason, I insisted for a while and she will do it as long as I am standing there next to her - and it has to be me, not daddy. Problem is now I am heavily pregnant with my 2nd child and I am tired of this drama and being there standing next to her the whole class. She does seem to enjoy the class but it comes with all this drama. But she also tells me that she does not like to play tennis. I thought I insisted enough and decided to pull her out once again.
Finally she is now doing swimming lessons she had 3 lessons so far. The pool is nice and warm, there are 3 teachers, it's only 30m lessons.
When it starts they tell the kids to sit at the edge of the pool and they attach this shark fin on their back which makes them float and they all have a wonderful time. But mine refused to even sit at the edge of the pool, as I try to sit her, her legs wouldn't bend and she started to cry so the coach tells me not to force and she put another coach to deal with her which was a very nice lady full of smiles that came with all those swimming toys and my daughter went along with it, though she still refuses the shark fin.Then at the end then told me she will do just fine and in no time she would be joining in with the other kids. Second lessons pretty much the same. Third lessons the nice lady wasn't there, there were only 2 coaches, one went for her to do this 1-2-1 attention but she wasn't having it! She refused to do anything and even before the class started she was clinging to me, after 15min (half the lessons) she finally gives in but I had to literally be at the side of the pool bending over and talking to her the whole time for her to do stuff.
It doesn't matter how much you tell her she won't have this or that if she doesn't do the lessons, she doesn't care, she is VERY stubborn. But when she finally do things she is wonderful at everything she does.
My DH blames me, he thinks I am too soft and keeps telling me I need to cut the umbilical cord. He wants me to stay at home and let him take her to the classes. My mum said yesterday I need to be more active with baby 2 when he is born and I just thought how can I be more active?? I am the one who goes after all these classes and engaged my daughter into it, I started when she was 2, could I have started any earlier? What I am doing wrong??
I feel terrible! It does seem I am the problem - because she is soo attached to me she wants me to do everything with her. I encourage her to do things on her own, I want her to enjoy her activities and I want to be able to watch her doing it.
I think naturally kids are lazy and don't want to do stuff so we have to persist and I think I have done that with all her activities, I persisted quite a lot however if she isn't enjoying then what's the point?
With the swimming though I want her continue till she learns how to swim as this is a very important skill to have but I don't know how to go about it, I don't want it to turn into a negative experience as that will only make it harder!
I am thinking next lesson I will let daddy take her and I will stay at home but I know it will be dramatic and she will have to be forced into the car, but I am hoping she will stop and maybe do better in the lesson if I am not there.
Any advices?

Why are you so vile?? If you read my post properly you will see that all the activities that she did she was enjoying them and when she stopped enjoying them I pulled her out. The only activity she in on at the moment is swimming. It's a 30m lesson once a week! It's not much is it?? It is good for children to do activities and engage with other children, make friends to play with. I do spend a lot of time together doing things with her, taking her to park etc etc. I see kids of her age enjoying activities.
I am not labelling her lazy, I said that kids generally are lazy and reluctant to do things (with exceptions of course), the same way kids are reluctant to eat new things. As a parent I feel that I need to persist - not force. Because when she gives in I see that she is enjoying and she is smiling and that is good for her.
And yes I did label her stubborn because she is stubborn at times. She is also very sweet and in no way she is a disappointment for me or anyone in my family.

Why does she have to do classes? Save your pennies and let her be. She's clingy to you cause of the new baby, which is natural, make the most of your alone time before baby arrives.

Do you and her dad take her play swimming? Just during public swimming I mean, in addition to lessons.

We do take her swimming for play, she enjoys it as long as the pool is warm enough for her - it has to be quite warm. Her lessons are in the hospital swimming pool which is the warmest one around.

Four is very young for formal swimming lessons if you stick to playing and building up water confidence for a couple more years she will probably learn to swim quicker if you start lessons at 6/7.
I wasted hours of my life and ££ on swimming lessons for five year old DCs. They barely progressed in two years and then suddenly at 7 they actually learned to swim. In hindsight I would have waited.

Stop the activities. Enjoy life. Plenty of time for activities when she is older.

How dare you call us vile, you asked for advice and we gave you it. Get over yourself and let your little girl be a little girl. If you did not like the answers do not post of a public platform.

Bin the activities she’s 4! When did this madness begin?

I didn't read the whole post, but seriously she's 4, forget about structured classes for a year or two.

Well if she can't attend an activity by now there's no hope for her future.....

Alternatively she could be a normal 4 year old and you just need to relax and let her be. Trying 1 or 2 activities is normal. This many sounds like too much

Sounds like separation anxiety to me (being OK to do the activity as long as you are there too).

Overcoming Your Child's Fears and Worries by Creswell & Willetts is a really good book for this.

Eh? No one has been vile !

Plenty of good advice here, your 4 yr old doesn’t need classes, she needs time to play, time to do nothing and time with you, ditch the classes and enjoy your time together!

Every day you could go for a walk, do some colouring/making, watch CBeebies and do some songs, play together with toys, play ‘parlour’ games together, read stories etc.

I agree with the previous posters, this little girl has got a lot of big changes coming up, right now just concentrate on having fun together.

Bin the activities she’s 4! When did this madness begin?

With this child it began when she was 2. So by the age of 4 she has done ballet, gymnastics, tennis and swimming. Two of those she seems to be very good at - according to the teachers. The saying about fools and their money springs to mind !

I said that kids generally are lazy and reluctant to do things (with exceptions of course)

Some kids maybe, but to be honest this isn’t my experience of kids at all. I have 5 and 3 year olds who love doing activities such as ballet, gymnastics etc (5 year old would do one every day if she could) and all their friends are similar.

She's four. She's obviously not ready for activities, and she isn't being stubborn, she just hasn't got the confidence to do things independently yet.
This ^^. Not every little one is ready to be taking on the world independently at that age and if you add in the fact that you're pregnant. Let her have plenty of time just enjoying herself with your and her dad. Learning to swim with you or him while having fun. Not forcing her to do activities on her own when she doesn't want to.

Maybe she does just get bored and not want to do the classes any longer.

Take her swimming yourself for the time being. I wouldn’t start any activity based classes for at least another few years. My youngest was v attached to me but I’m currently sat her watching her do trampolining. She’s now 11.

I think I also agree with your dh. If you do want her to learn to swim, let him take her. Might make all the difference

You are clearly a very loving and attentive mum just trying to do the best for your little girl who just needs your reassurance and presence especially with a sibling on the way.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. She's still very small and you're quite right not to force her when she loses interest in something. These things can feel exhausting for little ones. I think the best option for you is not to get tied into regular scheduled activities, keep things casual for now and do things for fun as and when you feel like doing them. Get Dad involved as much as possible too to give you a break.

There's plenty of time for her to find her own interests and independence in her own time. If she needs you right now then just go with it and eventually she will feel secure enough to branch out on her own. In the grand scheme of her life it won't matter that she needed her mummy with her when she was little. Try not to worry x

I don't really understand what you're asking.
You've complained that your DD gets bored with classes and wants to give them up.
You've been told she is 4 there is no need for classes, let her play.
You've said everyone is vile.
If you don't want to force your DD to attend classes( which obviously is the right way), then the only option is not to send her to classes.
Presumably she starts school in September. Most kids are so exhausted by that, that any extra classes they have done are dropped anyway.
Focus on doing fun stuff with her, let her Dad do fun stuff with her - especially with the new baby on the way. Prepare her for school. Let her settle there, and then perhaps see if she wants to join any clubs with new school friends.

I think that lazy is NOT most dc!

They need time to let their minds grow. To stare at the sky and wonder. Spin in circles, play make believe with toys. They have growing minds and bodies. That's a lot of work.

I had my dc in one class per season. They were fine. Hated some. Loved some. They decided swimming was their favorite around 7. But it was bc it was fun.

Dd iked idea of dance but we quit after 2 lessons without a qualm. Twice. After lots of money on clothes and shoes.

*My dh told me that the most important thing for our young children was to be loved. To know that i was always supporting them. He said that people (like my mother) who pushed me to be a " big girl" and pushed me away. In spite of my fears. Only made a child more fearful.

I thought over my life. He was correct. I parented opposite of my mother.

Our dc are young adults who are confident and while stressed with life, are strong enough to stand up to peers and work hard on work and school.

I look at their peers whose parents thought i was too lenient. I wasn't.

I have a friend whose daughter was pushed and pushed. She's found a place now. With a boyfriend. After trying suicide.

Please read some parenting books ( the web is an echo chamber).

From a 20 year perspective: those classes don't mean anything in the long run. In the short? Well, your dd is miserable. Take a break and enjoy her company.

Give her love. Tell her she's precious.

She's a gift. And for goodness sakes! Lazy??? Lower your expectations...please.

She's telling you that she's not ready. Listen to her. My ds was like this last year, roll forward a year and he happily joins in a range of stuff. Just do one on one activities with her until she shows an interest.

In the next few months, you’ll have a baby and your DD will start school. Spend 1:1 time with her while you can, it will never be easy again.

My dh told me that the most important thing for our young children was to be loved. To know that i was always supporting them.
This ^^ In truck loads. Unconditional love. And not just when they're young.

I agree with Sticklady, you clearly have her best interests at heart. I would take a step back though and let her lead the way. When she's old enough to ask about an activity herself then let her have a go - and then do what you're already doing, let her stop if she gets bored. I would say with all mine, the smaller they were trying things, the smaller their attention span was. As they've got older they've really been able to stick to stuff. And more importantly, had the confidence to do it without me.

The thing is she is 4 . Knocked off the list of 4 activities she got bored with us long but this is because she is 4.

Dance . Put on some songs and dance around the house, take s bat and ball in the garden, it doesn’t need to be structured.

I say this as a mum whose Ds cried everyday I left him at Nursery but never cried once he was in school . Did waterbabies with me didn’t have independent lessons till he was nearly 6.

Fwiw when my DS was 3 he went to tennis lessons where a parent joined in and loved it. When he was too old for that class i took him to a new one where parents couldnt join in. He went once. Luckily it was payg and for a year we went, watched, discussed joining in and he refused. I admit i did get cross a couple of times but he just wasnt ready. Now 5 years later he loves it and plays 3 times a week.