Cant cope anymore

[Namechangemum100]

I am totally broken and I don't know what to do.

I have a just 2 year old and an 11 month old. For the past 2 months the 2 year old has been waking screaming throughout the night, which in the last week has escalated to an hour's worth of screaming before bed and then HOURS in the middle of the night. Obviously this eventually wakes the baby who then joins in, and this ignores that fact that he is still feeding twice a night. I am utterly broken, I haven't slept properly in 2 years and was hanging on by a thread but now this on top has totally broken me. I can't think clearly, I am snappy with the kids in the day, I hate who I have become and I'm ashamed to say I'm starting to resent them because I feel like they are torturing me.

Dh tries to help with the 2 year old, but she is so stubborn she doesn't doesn't give a sh*t to be honest. He can't help with the 11 month old because dispute being bottle fed he will only take milk from me.

We are heading towards divorce because life is so miserable right now.people say it gets better, but for us it's only getting worse. I seriously can't cope right now.

What is she screaming for? I can understand having nightmares then calming down, or wanting to play or eat or needing cuddles. But I don't understand why she'd just be screaming. Doesn't sound right....

OP I’m with @Troton. Or reversing it and you sleeping in with toddler and Dh dealing with baby. I know you said baby flips out when it’s not you- but they are loved, safe and cared for with DH (i’d assume!!). You can’t carry this alone- nobody can.
I don’t know what your house layout is either.. ours is tiny and everyone can hear everyone else. If yours is the same I’d go for white noise so you can’t hear DH and baby and he can’t hear you and toddler. If you need each other for whatever reason you can get each other.
I’d also suggest DH uses some holiday days very soon if he can. Sometimes you need a holiday at home to stop everyone falling apart by giving each other a chance to rest.
Thinking of you. It doesn’t get much harder than this sometimes you need to think of the long game... but sometimes you need to find a way to survive first.

I’m sorry OP it sounds so tough. I wish I had some useful advice but I’m up with 2 restless kids too 🤦‍♀️ I know the anxious feeling of dread as night approaches .

Just wanted to say you’re not alone, it WILL get better (I know how annoying that is to hear but it will) and you WILL cope. Get as much support as you can. Can a friend or family member watch the kids for a few hours in the day so you can at least have a nap to recharge?

You’re doing so well and you will get through it

@blueyellowgreen...then what are you saying it is?! She screams and screams and nothing settles her. She is not ill as she is fine during the day. She repeatedly says the names of her teddies (which she is holding) or mummy daddy cuddle. She gets a cuddle and is laid back down, over and over and over and over until like last night, after 2 hours I screamed at dh to take her into his bed as I couldn't listen to another second of it.

Co sleeping is going to be our only option, but with our marriage in tatters as it is, now sleeping separately with no seperation from the children is going to be the end of us. We are totally ruined.

Could you ask GP for some Melatonin for the 2 year old?

Do you get any time at all away from either of them?

Is it you and them 24/7?

Would you look at nursery for maybe 3 mornings/afternoons a week to give you some respite?

That might help your mental and physical health and let you have some space and broaden their people horizons.

I have a 12 month age gap between my 2 and for a long time I was so tired I felt sick and could barely function.

DS1 did something similar for a while at about 3. We put a mattress & duvet next to his bed and one of us went in with him. I often got in bed with him, but DH couldn’t sleep like that. He was anxious, not being naughty.

It didn’t ruin our marriage at all, we were all getting more sleep and the tension around nighttime waking went away once we a strategy that worked. Do what you need to do to maximise your sleep.

for you, it’s so hard.

One further thought - relaying your 2 year old back down isn’t working. If you’ve done it 50 times without success it’s become a battle of wills and that can become entrenched.

Giving co-sleeping a go might defuse the tension for all of you.

In a post before mine you said you were planning to bring her in with you and then you said in a follow up post she'd been screaming for hours therefore it sounded as though she was with you and still screaming. In which case I wouldn't consider that to be normal and would check with a GP. Now if she is screaming because you are not going to her that makes sense.

For whatever reasons she is probably telling you she needs you. I'm anti-cry it out so I won't be telling you to ignore her. My advice would be to cosleep and do whatever it takes to get sleep for all of you.

However it's much more difficult if you have a husband who is unwilling to do this because they are prioritising their own needs. A happy marriage does not require the adults sharing a bed but this seems to be a theme i see and I can't say I understand why a grown up who has logical and long term thinking thinks they need to sleep with somebody else at night and their tiny child must sleep solo.

I'm sorry that you are going through this I really think you have only two choices - sleep training / cry it out (which I of course am not advocating) or co-sleeping. Hope you find something that works,

Have been through this hell.

Op honestly, shut them both in the room together with a white noise on tablet/ipad, after bath and milk. Go downstairs, put earphones in and have a cup of tea.

My way is brutal but it works. The more faffing about believe me it'll not get any easier. Trust me on this. Results happen within a matter of days. You are suffering, just be brutal and you will thank yourself for it later. So will your husband.

I know you've said that you don't want to do it, but co-sleeping saved my sanity when we had no.2 and then 3

I literally could not have coped with motherhood otherwise. It didn't damage our marriage, but even if it had, It would have been damaged by lack of sleep and resentment anyway.

Just consider it OP. Mine are older now and all in their own rooms, it's not going to be forever.
You will feel better when you've had a full night's sleep

Could you try giving her something each day if she sleeps well? A little treat? Then if she keeps it up for a while a new teddy - as she likes those. I am not sure if she would understand this yet but op you sound so stressed that anything is worth a go!
I was in a similar boat and it's awful. Husband slept with toddler and I had baby in with me.
As an aside my 11 month old hated sleep too but got a sleepy head and hey presto.

Definitely a sleep consultant.

Borrow money if you have to - it's a long term and seriously vital investment the way you describe your situation.

I would recommend Gemma from Babytech Support but there are lots out there.

I have been there too OP.

Having two babies is really hard. I felt like a hamster in a wheel at times, just seems to go on and on.

Absolutely knackering, BUT it does get better.

My advice would be take any help offered, if you have a nice mum, MIL, Sis, friend who can give you a break for a while, it will help you re-group.

My MIL was an absolute angel, when we were going through this stage with our two.

She used to have screamer all night, one night a week, she insisted that DH & I go out for a few hours to have a drink/meal together. DH & I used to be reluctant to leave screamer, MIL said he will scream whetheryou are here or not yoga. Which was true. Probably, saved our marriage!

I will never forget how amazing she was, my own mum, was completely useless did nothing at all to support me.

My two are 17 & 16 now, but I will never forget those days, toughest of my life. Do whatever you need to get through it, don’t be hard on yourself.

Sending you a huge hug OP.

Oh OP everything feels impossibly bleak when you're exhausted. I would stop with the lying her down, it just isn't working and on-one is winning.

You just need to get some sleep, accept co-sleeping is what you need to do for now. This isn't forever, it's a temporary fix until everyone has caught up a bit.

I suspect you and your DH will be able to communicate much better when everyone is less exhausted, when you're that tired you're snappy and on the edge, there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture!

Can you get toddle into pre-school a few mornings or afternoons a week?

Have you looked into homestart? I read about someone else in a similar situation, the homestart volunteer came to the home and played with the children so the mum could have a rest. Might be worth looking into.

Thank you everyone for your advise.

To be honest I am so broken at this point that I'm not even sure how to carry on.

It looks like co sleeping is going to have to be what we do, but it depresses me beyond believe. I have issues with personal space and need at least some time to myself and cosleeping eliminates that small peace of sanity.

Dh is willing to co sleep, it me that believes it will be the end of our marriage. We used to love each other, now we barely speak. Sleeping separate beds and now separate rooms is just another nail in the coffin.

I can't get dh to feed ds because honestly, he goes absolutely ballistic. I have hit my peak of listening to my children cry, and I can't add any more into it.

They are in child care 3 days a week because I run my own business (or at least I try to), and went back to work when ds was 4 months old as I was losing the plot.

I genuinely think they prefer being with their childminder, they are actually happy there, they just cry and are miserable around me. I've totally failed them.

You are worn down beyond belief, you cant continue like this. Can you get grandparents to babysit? If they will endure 1 bad night it might let you get some sleep. Its beyond torture what you are going through, you poor love.

OP, you sound very low generally. Have you spoken to your GP or HV about how you feel? Have you felt this way since shortly after your youngest was born? I'm just wondering if maybe you have some post-Natal depression that might be making it hard to see the wood for the trees on top of the exhaustion? Might be worth a trip to your GP to chat it through?

You are not a failure, you are doing your absolute best. Co-sleeping doesn't have to be a permanent solution but right now you need sleep. In a couple of weeks you can reassess.

I think any depression at this point is circumstancial, a doctor isn't going to stop her screaming, or make my boy sleep through the night, I wish it would but it wont.

Both of our families are utterly useless. Until we put them in child care we had not received a single moments help, not even an hour. We had not left the house without the children in nearly 2 years, and since putting them in childcare it has only happened twice. We didn't even leave the house together when ds was born as I had a planned home birth because we had no one to look after dd.

I knew before having children that things would be hard, but I had absolutely no idea it would be like this, it's horrific.

I've spent the last year listening to people tell me it will get easier, but it doesn't, day by day it gets harder and harder and there is no end in sight.

Oh OP it breaks my heart to read how low you are. It really is so incredibly hard isn't it?

I'm concerned that you have no alone time (that's what I found hardest when I was so tired). When you aren't with them you're working and I wonder whether, just for now and to give you respite, you could up their time with their childminder?

Sending you big hugs

I love my children, I really do, more than anything, but right now I hate her, I want to scream at her but I can't, so I have to keep cuddling and kissing her even though I feel dead inside.

I just want my girl back, I don't want to feel like this anymore. She is beautiful and funny and sweet but she has turned into a monster who is eating my brain. I'm frightened to be at home because I know what the nights bring, I want to run away and hide.

Haven't RTFT but really recommend this sleep consultant - www.thesleeplady.co.uk/fees/

She has helped me with my
Ds but also friends with multiple children. Her fees aren't as rigid as on her website - give her a quick call and explain the issue and she will give you a quote.

It's true that the GP can't change how things are but it sounds as though you really need more support. Perhaps start with the HV, have you found yours supportive?

Can you afford to pay for more childcare even if just short term so you both get a break?

I do empathise, I have only had 1 night away from DS (I was in hospital) and DH and I have never had a full night off together. DS is nearly 3 and still in our bed, he also has his third cold in 6 weeks so is very unsettled at night. I'm 34 weeks with DS2 and it's really, really hard and completely relentless. I can imagine it's 100 times worse with 2 and when things are difficult with DH.

It's so hard to see a way out when you're this low. Please see if you can access some support.

Get yourself some fantastic noise cancelling headphones.

Put them on at 8pm and take them off at 8am for a few nights at least or until you feel you can cope.

Don't delay.