Considering going back to work early considering newborn DD hates me

[iamsuchatit]

Shes 24 days old. I rarely get any joy from her and she blatantly prefers her dad. He holds her all day, doesn’t do any of the night feeds so I just get the shit times with her. When he’s with her I am usually doing the shit “mum jobs” like cleaning up which I don’t get to do during the day or I’m taking a nap. I’m not getting anymore than 4 hours sleep a day.

She won’t latch on to breastfeed and I’m too scared to keep trying as she prefers formula and it just seems cruel. She also has reflux and has had a massive screaming fit. She was sick a lot and I burped a lot but wouldn’t settle after me walking around and holding her for like half an hour. As soon as she was given to DH she stopped crying.

She’s asleep on DHs lap now and it’s not like I can cuddle/hold her because if he just puts her on my lap she’ll just scream.

Doesn’t exactly help that literally as soon as she was born she was labelled a “daddy’s girl” which makes me think what’s the whole fucking point of me trying to look after her then.

I’m due back in September. It I’m tempted to just go back next month

Its such early days. These days are really tough for pretty much all of us. I hated the first month. Tried and failed at breastfeeding, lacked sleep, world turned upside down, awful weather. And this was pre social media!
Deep breaths. It gets better. Be kind to yourself. Day at a time. X

Very very early days. I remember thinking that DD1 hated me when she was that age. I really was convinced of it. Fast forward to now, she's 11 and she really does hate me .

She's still learning, you're still learning. Be kind to yourself, it will all come together I promise.

You’re knackered, it’s exhausting

Your dd is not a “daddy’s girl”, she’s a baby who needs her Mum. Be careful of projecting this sort of stuff onto her, if you perceive she’s rejecting you then there’s a risk you end up rejecting her in return.

Stay steady and loving. It gets better.

Please take her off your DH, sit down with some good TV on and let her scream if needed. She is not screaming at you but at the world - she's little and doesn't quite fit in.
When my LO had reflux I walked the floor with her screaming. I sang the same songs over and over to her, it felt easier than silence and I wanted her to hear that I was there and trying. Sometimes though I was crying walking those same steps. It's hard but it will pass and it is NOT personal.

PS. Reasons why "difficult" babies can seem to prefer dads:

• they've longer limbs so flopping across their chest/legs/arms can feel cosier
• they are not as associated with milk if they're not doing the same number of feeds (applies to formula and BF babies).

Please go easy on yourself.

This has unsettled me. I promise you your baby does not hate you. She has been cuddled up inside you for nine months and is now in the big scary world. She needs you. Babies cry... a lot. All they do is feed, sleep, cry and repeat. Try loads of skin on skin to make her feel safe.
Please be kind to yourself and relax. She will only be this tiny once and she’s just getting used to the world around her. It’s tough.

It's going to be ok I promise. Having a new born baby messes with your mind. Just get through the first difficult 12 weeks. Love will come. X

She doesn't hate you. At all. She doesn't love her dad more than you. She's brand new and doesn't know what's going on. You are so important to her.

It's early days, everything seems worse when you're knackered. If she's asleep on your husband, go have a nap or go to bed early. You need rest. The tidying/washing will still be there. Work with him to get everything done round the house, my husband thought that because he had taken the baby off me that was him done when really what I needed was him to make the dinner a couple of times a week or put a wash on, not sit there watching TV with a baby on his lap.

I promise you that your baby doesn't hate you.

And the daddy's girl stuff is nonsense especially at this age. As PPs mentioned, babies can react like this to mothers as they associate us with milk.

It is worrying that you attach that level of adult feeling onto a newborn though. I totally understand by the way. When DD was born and she was an awful sleeper after about 4 weeks I was in a similar place. It does get better. Use the time she's calm with DH to sleep, rest, have a bath, go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Speak to HV about how you feel as well.

I didn't feel love till much much later. There was no rainbows and unicorns and angel choir and "you're my world moment" for me when DD was born. That started few months in for me. Now I'm utterly in love. It's the conditioned "natural motherhood" nonsense we get rammed into us as women. You've birthed another human being, your life has changed beyond recognition and you're surviving on 4 hours sleep a day. No wonder you feel shit. Good news is: it gets better every day as you grow into a little team with your DD.

Also, babies with reflux are more vocal because they are in pain. Make sure you don't get fobbed off by the GP and try different medication (if she isn't on one already). She's screaming because her throat is burning and raw. Once it gets sorted, you'll have a calmer baby. Call GP tomorrow morning and insist on different medication if this one isn't working.

Hang in there

"literally as soon as she was born she was labelled a “daddy’s girl”"
By whom? That's utter nonsense.

Firstly, it sounds as if you might have PND. Please talk to your HV or GP.

Secondly, practicalities:

• if you want to keep trying to breastfeed, see if you can get to a breastfeeding support group, you'll get practical and moral support - and ideally someone would check for tongue tie
• the reflux might be caused by CMPA so it's worth considering, there is info including a list of other symptoms at www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy

It might not be cmpa and might "just" be reflux but there are still things you can do to help, such as keep upright after feeds, and tilt the crib or get a wedge for under the mattress.

• your partner needs to be doing his share of the night feeds! Especially if bottle feeding, there is no reason it has to be you all the time. If you're on maternity leave and he's working then you might do more but not ALL of them, that's not fair.

Lastly, if she does settle more easily with him for now, that's ok. It doesn't mean you're failing. It's an excellent excuse to take yourself off for a sleep or a relaxing soak in the bath.

It does get easier. Promise.

I could have written this when my baby was little.

Now, and for a long long long time, she has vocally much preferred me to her dad. I think the early days was me putting pressure on myself and her reacting to my stress.

It does get easier - honestly. But when people told me that, I wanted to kick them in the sponge. Because, everything seemed so stressful and insurmountable.

First things first - you need some sleep and / or the longest hot bath or shower in the world. Give yourself some time off to recharge - think of being a mum like being a hi-tech machine - you can't do your job if you're not recharged and taken care of.

Next, can you afford a cleaner to give the house a big clean or maybe even come weekly? Or do you have a friend who can help? In loads of societies new mothers were pampered and helped and looked after for months after birth. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a fault in our world that this isn't standard. My cat was treated with more care and tenderness after she gave birth than I was.

After this,if you can afford it, do an online supermarket shop and order 14 days worth of delicious premium ready meals, fresh pasta, bagged salad etc. To take the stress out of cooking.

Now - hire a lactation consultant or ring la leche league for help and advice on breastfeeding. This is what saved me. Breastfeeding can be so bloody hard and I truly think we're not equipped to do it alone without help and advice.

Most of all - you're amazing and you've got this. If you were shit you wouldn't care this much. Honestly, all this will pass. It's going to be ok and you're doing great.

I felt exactly the same when my DD was first born. I was tired, anxious, overwhelmed and recovering from labour and a c-section. You are her mum and she does love and need you. There's been many times I paced the floor for hours with her and my DP came in and took her and she instantly went to sleep. I felt like a failure. But I wasn't, it's just the change seems to settle them and I do believe they pick up on your stress too. There's also been many times since that he's paced the floor with her and I've taken her and she's gone straight to sleep. That will come for you too.
Even now 5 months on, whoever takes her up to bed isn't the one to get her to sleep, it always take the other one of us to go up and then she will settle. It's like she wants whoever she hasn't got haha.

Look after yourself and take each day at a time. Honestly it will get better.

It's taken my DD six weeks to be able to latch on - her growing has made it much easier for us - so you're not alone and please don't feel bad about it!

I do think you should speak to your health visitor or GP as your posts on here suggest you're having a really tough time at the moment. Have you spoken to your husband about how you're feeling?

Oh, love.

It’s tougher than a tough time in tne first hard weeks.

Your baby certainly does not hate you.

I too think you sound as if you have PND, and think you need help with your baby if she does have Reflux, and professional help with her latch.

Talk to your DH about how you are feeling and about sharing the household tasks and the cuddles.

Hold your baby upright, rather than in your lap, and dance gently to some music.

You need tic and support.

Sending virtual tlc.

When he’s with her I am usually doing the shit “mum jobs” like cleaning up which I don’t get to do during the day or I’m taking a nap

This really stood out to me. These are not 'mum jobs', your DH is as capable of doing them as you. Obviously when he comes home from work he'll want to spend time with her but you also need his company so cuddle up all three of you together for some family time then take turns doing the housework (but for goodness sake let as much of it slide as is possible).

Your DD doesn't know she's separate from you yet, hating you would be hating herself. You however, need a break and a lot more sleep. Do you have family nearby who would come and help by doing the housework for you or cook you a meal orlook after your DD fot a few hours and give you a chance to sleep?

You could be slipping into PND. Please tell your HV how you’re feeling.

Tell DH you need to bond to make the best life for all of you. Take to your bed or your sofa with her and lots of treats for you and comforters for her. Let her sleep with a t-shirt of yours with your smell on every time. Ask DH to stop stepping in, except at agreed times. Stop doing jobs just now. Find your thing, be it singing, dancing, stroking her head, breathing gently on her, resting her on your skin, going for a walk with her in a sling. Try to do as many feeds as you can. Speak to people who can help on the telephone.

Some babies hate being babies. They hate the bright, noisy life outside the womb and so they cry alot more. I felt EXACTLY like you. I felt she wouldn't notice if a monkey brought her up. Like she hated me and preferred her Dad.
She had reflux too. Have you tried Dr. Browns bottles if you're formula feeding? They saved our life, seriously.
I would say I had pnd looking back. It was nasty. Is there anyone who can have baby for a few hours a week outside the house so you can sleep?
My dad was the only one who did this for me...without me asking. He just knew.
Your baby loves and needs you, but is struggling. You both are, it's really hard.
Please ask for help and be kind to yourself.
I also found a swing chair with music helped soothe her in the screaming evenings. Also, try holding baby facing outwards, not inwards.

When my 11 month old was tiny there were occasions when only daddy could settle him. He just associated me with milk ( he is breastfed). Even now, after a night feed he won't settle for me and I have to wake daddy. Within 10 minutes he's asleep when I've been up with him 2 hours.

It's completely normal for them to only settle with someone else instead of mum, don't worry about it. You are her world, she doesn't hate you. Her little brain isn't developed enough to hate anyone.

Thanks all. I had a 4 hour nap so feeling less teary.

Had a massive argument with ‘D’H though. I wanted to hold DD while I was waiting half an hour for the kettle and was told no, so I’m being dictated to when I can hold my own daughter which instantly made me upset.

I said to him that I don’t like it when I get told when I can hold my own baby especially when he’s held her all day but I’m the unreasonable one and need to apologise so only he can have feelings 👍

Also getting sick of him thinking (or at least making out) that he’s a better parent than me.

I’m sorry things seem so rubbish at the moment OP. Sitting here in the dark with my 6 month old who won’t go back to sleep- there is always someone around in the night on mumsnet when you need a chat!

You are doing so well, please please please don’t feel discouraged. Your hormones are still raging and you are sleep deprived, things WILL get better. I found the first 2-3 months SO unbelieveably tough. It’s still bloody tough now to be honest, but at least I feel I know what I’m doing now(ish)

If you are worried you might have PND, echoing you should speak to your GP.

Agree that when you can, spend as much time with your little DD in bed, on the sofa, in the chair or whatever just cuddling her and talking to her. Do you have a sling? For me the sling really changed everything, it was the only way he would settle or sleep for a while with me.

Keep persevering with your DH, I found with my partner I had to tell Rather than ask “you do XYZ whilst I do XYZ with DS, then we can do ABC together”. Do say you are struggling with keeping on top of things and tell him what you need him to do to support you.

OP it is really common to feel a failure at some point of early parenthood. Then comes the realisation that there is no manual and no ideal way to do anything.

My eldest is 13 and I still find myself judging me as doing things wrong. She always seemed to like her dad more as a baby, but at 4 decided to emotionally glue herself to me and that is not ideal. Difference now is that I accept I do things for the right reasons based on what I can see at the time and move on from negative feelings more quickly.

The risk early on is that you seriously think you are wrong and become anxious and/or depressed. Right now feeling confused and overwhelmed is normal. Please be kind to yourself. Talk to people about your feelings, but maybe not your partner as he sounds as though he may be a bit competitive - quite likely as he worries about being wrong so putting in lots of effort, but missing the point that supporting you and a team effort would be better. This can settle when you get to know each other as a unit.

OP does your DH go to work?
You should mention some of these moods to the HV. You sound like you could have a touch of the baby blues. Sleep exhaustion is killer.

DD hated me when she was born, other than milk at feeds she wanted nothing to do with me. I remember feeling exactly the same way and it was horrible. She did change eventually and is quite fond of me now at 3 years old. When I stopped BF she became much more affectionate with me, around 15 months old.

I'd say try switching to formula, sounds like a good solution x

Oh OP

It is VERY normal not to feel an instant rush of love and joy with your baby.
I had a terrible birth with my first, he was taken away from me for a couple of hours and when they brought him back I can still remember the feeling of total emptiness and disconnection as I held him in my arms. He subsequently went on to spend the first few months of his life crying. And crying. And crying.
There was never any great moment when I felt that 'rush' but it somehow the love crept up on me over the months. DS is now 5 and we have had a great bond and relationship for many years, those dark dark early days are a distant memory.
Please try not to beat yourself up about how you are feeling. It is very early days and I promise things will get better.
You do sound very unhappy so I would say, do mention your feelings to a HV or GP if things are not improving soon.

What is more concerning to me though is your DH. I'm not saying he is a terrible person and LTB - a baby really changes the dynamics of a relationship and it can take time to settle in your new roles.
HOWEVER right now, he is being massively unsupportive and unfair to you. You should be resting and recovering from birth, not staying up all night then rushing around doing housework all day while he cuddles his 'daddy's girl'
He needs to listen to how you are feeling, then take on more of the 'work' and allow you to rest and bond with your baby. Not allowing you to take your baby is horrible.
Unless he is a brain surgeon or a long distance truck driver, there is really no reason why he can't share the night feeds with you and put up with being slightly tired at work for a few weeks.

Hugs to you OP. Keep posting - there are lots of people on here who have been where you are and can give you advice and support.