Considering going back to work early considering newborn DD hates me

[iamsuchatit]

Shes 24 days old. I rarely get any joy from her and she blatantly prefers her dad. He holds her all day, doesn’t do any of the night feeds so I just get the shit times with her. When he’s with her I am usually doing the shit “mum jobs” like cleaning up which I don’t get to do during the day or I’m taking a nap. I’m not getting anymore than 4 hours sleep a day.

She won’t latch on to breastfeed and I’m too scared to keep trying as she prefers formula and it just seems cruel. She also has reflux and has had a massive screaming fit. She was sick a lot and I burped a lot but wouldn’t settle after me walking around and holding her for like half an hour. As soon as she was given to DH she stopped crying.

She’s asleep on DHs lap now and it’s not like I can cuddle/hold her because if he just puts her on my lap she’ll just scream.

Doesn’t exactly help that literally as soon as she was born she was labelled a “daddy’s girl” which makes me think what’s the whole fucking point of me trying to look after her then.

I’m due back in September. It I’m tempted to just go back next month

Your husband won't let you hold your own baby?
He sounds very controlling.
Abuse can often start (or increase) when you've just had a baby.
Please talk to someone about how you've feeling and about his behaviour. You could talk to your HV?

You don’t need permission to hold the baby that YOU gave birth to mere days ago. He’s being a dick and it is messing with your head.

Tell your midwife how he is behaving and get her to have a word with him.
Do you have any family support like your mum?

Was the relationship ok before you had the baby?

Eh? Why isn't he letting you hold your baby?! That's a real red flag

OP it would be good to know how you are feeling from reading these posts. We are saying the similar message - you have a really tough job here, being a new mum is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Your husband is not supporting you, you are describing understandable emotions in this situation.
Hope you can stay strong and speak with family, friends, HV etc.

Thanks all.

Feeling better in relation to DD. Just made a nest downstairs for us so I can cuddle her all day.

In relation to DH though, I tried apologising and making up for last night but he’s not having any of it. I’ve just come to the realisation that he’s just a bad fucking person but no one else sees this side of him.

You are tired out. That is all. Switch to formula and give yourself a break. Going back to work so soon would just put another pressure on you. I remember being so tired that I fell asleep while standing in a queue for the butchers.

Update: me and DH have made up now.

DD is mainly formula fed, I’ve just been trying to get her to breastfeed instead of FF. I had to FF otherwise she would have starved. I had hoped mixed feeding would be an option but she won’t latch due to massive boobs and ridiculously flat nipples so I’m giving it until end of the week then I’ll give up.

Good to hear you're feeling better.

FWIW, when DD was 8 weeks I was sitting on my therapist sofa raging and saying I wanted to leave DH ASAP. No ifs, no buts, needed to leave now because he was a tool and an idiot and I couldn't bear him anymore. As she's known me over the years, she guided me through my own thought process and why I was feeling that way.

I felt completely out of control with my own life, I was so sleep deprived I was hearing voices. I was angry that he wasn't stepping in. I soldiered on and almost forgot that DH was DH - he's a quiet, reserved man (also ASD) and doesn't step in immediately - actually it's something I really liked about him as we give each other a lot of autonomy. The more I was saying how I was feeling without actually saying what I wanted the more he was feeling useless or attacked. He also takes longer than me to learn. Move to requests. Specific requests.

I am very tired. Could you please give her the bottle. I'm going for a bath/nap. Will be back in 2 hours.

Can you please take her out for a walk. I need to rest without her in the house.

I'm off for a coffee with a friend this Saturday so please can you look after DD.

I'm reluctant to immediately brand your DH as abusive or controlling based on one interaction. If this is s pattern where he refuses to hand her over to you then yes. If it was one incident between new parents then that's pretty normal.

Please do speak to your HV or anyone who you trust about the way you feel. Keep posting here too. Sleep deprivation is the pits but it's essential to distinguish it from onset of PND.

Take care - you're doing well. Babies are hard work.

I assume that for all that he won't let you hold her during the day, he's quite happy for you to have her all night...? Tell him that if he wants to be the main parent he can bloody well do the night feeds too.

And quite frankly, I get that you're trying to get back into BF, but if she's not having it please don't kill yourself over this (I'll be lynched on here for this , but I don't care). Give yourself a break, please.