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Original poster

Getting annoyed with MIL- am I overreacting?

45 replies

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 14:16

I have an 8 month old daughter. It’s been hard as she had colic and is a very active baby! I’m quite sensitive when it comes to my parenting so I wanted to post here.

MIL and I don’t have much in common but generally get on fine. Since I had the baby I have been getting a few comments which has irritated me and made me not want to spend time with her.

They came over for dinner the other day. DD was just in a vest, ready to eat. Our house is nice and warm and she doesn’t wear socks in the house because she pulls them off. First thing MiL says (in a passive aggressive way to the baby). Is “where are your socks, your feet are cold”. We said no honestly, she’s fine. I was polite and let it go as she’s done this before.

I then turn around to find she has found some socks and put them on the baby! I got visibly annoyed and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

The rest of the evening she sneered at baby led weaning and made comments- despite us explaining what it is and why we’re doing it. She didn’t like me comforting my daughter when she was crying as they were playing with her.

I also got comments about her sleeping on her front- she’s 8 months! She’s been doing that since she could roll at 4 months - what am I going to do, tie her up?

I just find her hard work.

Am I overreacting and if so- how do I learn to put up with it?! I know I probably need to chill out but I put everything into looking after my daughter and just don’t need the criticism!

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

JUstme123456778 · 22/03/2019 14:51

I don’t think you are overacting. I am the same and unless I ask for advice I’d rather be left alone. These are the type of comments I’d be sensitive to as well. I know is hard but I’d just ignore her and do your own thing. Just don’t pay attention to her.
She doesn’t mean any harm and I think she doesn’t realise she’s hurting you. Hope you are ok OP and good luck.

Hollowvictory · 22/03/2019 14:55

Don't invite her over.

Original poster

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 15:01

Don't invite her over.

I love this advice! She probably won’t get invited over for a while, but my DH is close to his parents so I’d end up feeling guilty!

OP posts:

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cutthegraa · 22/03/2019 15:04

We might have the same MIL....

I stopped answering questions she asked the baby. I just pretended I wasn’t listening as she was clearly speaking to the baby, not me

user1471457757 · 22/03/2019 15:08

My MIL does the opposite and takes my baby's trousers off all the time. Just why?!

redcaryellowcar · 22/03/2019 15:08

I really don't like my mil and usually am supportive of anti mil threads but I really don't think she's done a huge amount wrong. She has kindly suggested she find some socks for her cold feet, there is scientific research that suggests people have more chance of catching a cold if they have cold feet. And on the sleep frog she's right, it's safer for babies to sleep in their backs, check out the lullaby trust website, but I agree you can't stop her rolling over, but I doubt it was intentionally critical, just an observation based on solid scientific fact.

Original poster

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 15:15

Redcar you’re probably right but it made me so angry. Like she was just undermining me. The baby was about to eat (food goes everywhere) and then have a bath so really didn’t need socks!

My baby is crawling and can pull herself up etc. She won’t even lie on her back to get her nappy changed. To be fair I guess she was referring to advice about newborns!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 15:15

Plus- she’s my baby so if I say she doesn’t need socks- surely she should just respect that?

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 22/03/2019 15:17

Why are new mums so bloody sensitive, does it never occur to you that someone with experience is making a suggestion? Babies born after 2005 aren't the first in existence and also over the years advice/fads come and go, my DC are from 13/24 and ideas on how to raise babies have changed and changed back and again, so just because you think it's best doesn't mean it is or that everyone will agree with you.

NewAccount270219 · 22/03/2019 15:23

How OP wants to do things doesn't have to be objectively best to be valid - she's the baby's mum it's up to her and the baby's father, not anyone else.

That said, while these comments sound annoying they are irritating rather than malicious so I think it would be a real shame to limit contact - she's someone who loves your daughter, why would you want to reduce the number of people who love her in her life? I find it easier just to avoid some flashpoints - for instance, we try and avoid feeding DS in front of either set of grandparents when possible because they're so critical of us not spoon feeding. Obviously in an ideal world they'd be supportive but it's not that hard to just avoid the issue.

Original poster

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 15:25

Thanks newaccount, that’s true. I want my daughter to have grandparents who love her around! But gosh she is annoying. I think we will do the same and just not feed her around them as I don’t need the negativity.

OP posts:

Aaahhhelp · 22/03/2019 15:31

You are definitely not overreacting, or being too sensitive. Some MIL overstep boundaries they don’t know are there unfortunately. It’s been 5 years for me and I just have to grin and bear it! Easiest thing to do in my opinion!

BlueMerchant · 22/03/2019 15:41

It won't get any better as your DD gets older
My DC are primary age and my MIL is still interfering and thinking she knows best.
They visit once a week. There is always some comment about clothing, ie " You should have a jumper on dgc" or about what DC have had for tea ie" Pasta?... Again" or some other comment that really annoys me.

SandAndSea · 22/03/2019 15:43

I don't know where your mil is coming from but, I can well imagine, on seeing a baby with no socks on, saying, "Where are your socks?!" to the baby. It would mean nothing other than making conversation, making a connection, with the baby.

Other times, I think older women (myself included) can have a natural urge to pass on what they've learned.

I'm only mentioning these points in the hope that it might help you to feel better about things. (I would probably feel upset too.)

SandAndSea · 22/03/2019 15:50

Just to add that she can still be a dgm with less contact.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/03/2019 15:51

Maybe everyone should just accept that mils are annoying. Then if you happen to have one who is not you can celebrate.
Seriously what kind of generation of mothers are coming along? Just let these remarks over your head and get on with life.
People have passed comments to the next generation for ever but l have never known such sensitive reactions as the new mums now.
Ignore, ignore ignore.
You will be a Gran yourself someday and imagine how sensitive that generation will be.

AccidentalOven · 22/03/2019 15:53

@junebirthdaygirl I'd suggest that this generation of mothers have online forums to express their angst and frustration, whereas previous generations did not. This is why you hear of it now, and not previously

NewAccount270219 · 22/03/2019 15:54

One thing I've found helped with both my parents and PIL is to ask lots of questions about me and DH as babies - it helps to have those conversations where they're sharing and enjoying reliving their own experience without it being explicitly centred on your baby

Original poster

Rainbowsandsnowdrops · 22/03/2019 15:55

BlueMerchant yep she does that talking to the baby thing but with me in the room..

Fair enough June! I probably am sensitive. My Mum doesn’t do stuff like this- she just lets me get on with it and if I need advice I would just ask. That’s the kind of Grandma I will be.

OP posts:

multiplemum3 · 22/03/2019 15:58

I don't think you're being insensitive, no one wants advice unless asked for.

multiplemum3 · 22/03/2019 15:58

Sensitive*

Chocolateisfab · 22/03/2019 15:59

Stop explaining /justifying your parenting ways to her.

Do your own thing and ignore her. Mil once commented on the mess of my home. Suggested she knew where the door was and told her to use it.
Tell her if visiting you makes her rude then she needs to stay away.
And tell dh he needs to say the same.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2019 16:01

The sleep thing is not correct for a normally developing eight month old no. That's just stupid

reetgood · 22/03/2019 16:03

Whenever my mil makes comments on our parenting choices, I choose to let them wash over me. If it’s stuff like socks I’d find it a bit annoying but honestly, baby is fine either way so I let her have it.

A useful phrase might be ‘that’s interesting/thanks, I’ll bear that in mind’. And then keep doing exactly what you are doing. Also the case with my Mil is that she just says the first thing that pops into her head, the actual relation to reality is neither here or there. She’s told me I am raising an anxious baby, then in the next sentence said he’s so social. Or informed me that we are too strict because I wouldn’t let our 14 month old eat Guinness flavour crisps. He’ll apparently rebel.

Helpfully partner has my back so he’ll challenge her on the complete nonsense. We let it go more often than not though. Just smile and ignore... ;)

FrozenMargarita17 · 22/03/2019 16:05

The best response to anything annoying is 'I'll give that the consideration it's due'

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