I want to leave newborn DD with DH and disappear

[Pleasecaneveryonegoaway]

DD is 3 weeks old and screams at the top of her lungs for no obvious reason. She’s got the worlds loudest cry and is constantly hungry which doesn’t help. I think she hates me.

I also have a ‘D’H who rarely makes mistakes and I fuck up all the time so I feel like the worlds worst mother and wife who can’t do anything right. I’m fed up of being snapped at and being made to feel like a bad mum when I do a million more things than him.

My latest fuck up is not screwing up the lid for her bottle properly which I know is annoying but if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t have said anything. It was a genuine mistake and I’m working on 4 hours broken sleep a day so would like a little big of slack when making said fuck ups but he just had to make a point of it as I’m trying to nap.

Just a rant really. It’s been this shit for the past 3 weeks.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Your DH sounds like a complete shit, OP. No wonder you're feeling so low. It's really normal to feel like this, overwhelmed and unable to manage. You've gone through a massive physical ordeal and you're sleep deprived.

You really need to talk to your health visitor. And tell your DH to cut you some slack - you need support, not criticism

Ohhhh the newborn stage is awful. And your DH is being a twozzock. I hope this is out of character for him and he gives himself a talking to.

Could you actually go away for a weekend or even just a day? Leave him to it, he might develop an appreciation for what you're going through and you could catch up on some sleep and have a hot bath. Sounds like she's bottle fed so it could actually be your saving grace.

Okay. First things first! You’re doing an amazing job. Don’t let your husband tell you otherwise. You need to speak to him and tell him that he is being unsupportive and it’s unacceptabe. Parenting is easy when you’ve had a full nights sleep. Plus you GAVE BIRTH 3 weeks ago! He is being a knob.

Secondly. Have you been to see the doctor? My daughter had colic and I wished I’d done something sooner. It turned out to be a cows milk allergy. Are you breastfeeding or only bottle?

It will get better. I promise! I had a crier and it was horrific so I honestly know how hard it is. Just take it day by day. I’m 8 months on now and whilst there are still challenges it is SO much easier.

Sorry to see this post OP. Currently have a 10 day old DS and also working on a small amount of sleep so really feel for you there.
It sounds like you need more support from DH - having a baby is so stressful and even more so without support and encouragement. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Gosh I just want to give you a big hug and I'm a really unhuggy person.

Yes I know exactly how you are feeling.

Newborns are fucking hard especially needy ones that scream all the time. She doesn't hate you though, I promise.

Your DH sounds like a dick but I know as well as anyone that sleep deprivation makes someone being a dick seem 10 times worse and the person being a dick doesn't get that their usual dickish comments hurt a million times more when you.are.just.trying.to.do.your.best.with.a.fucking.screaming.nightmare.newborn

I say leave, genuinely, go kip at a friends/your mums/in the car for an hour or so and leave him to deal to with her.

Things seem much more manageable on a bit if sleep, even if it's just fulfilling a good stern talking to about not being a dick.

Didn't have a DH, but I had a DM who thought I was being neurotic by breastfeeding. I did switch to bottle feeding. But I didn't hand my dc to her clutches (what she wanted). It's fucking awful when you're surviving on no sleep. I'd try to just take to the bed with baby and let arsehole cook for you. If he can't do that, fuck him.

The first few weeks are all about survival! Don’t worry about trying to be a perfect parent, nobody is! Tensions can be high when everyone is lacking in sleep. Baby definitely doesn’t hate you but will always look to you for comfort and protection. I didn’t love DS for the first few weeks either, I cared about him but I didn’t have an overwhelming adoration for him. Once the first few tough weeks were out of the way and he started smiling at me I really bonded with him and he is now my whole world! Your baby may feel like a little stranger right now but you need the time to bond.
I do think you need to speak to your HV or GP though because I think you may have PND. You can get help for that and it’s very common so please don’t feel like you’re alone! Have you got anyone else who could help you out whilst you’re finding things tough? Friends? Family?
The more open you are about things the more support you will get. Make sure you speak to DH and tell him how you’re feeling and ask him to be a bit more sensitive.
Perhaps a nice walk with baby in the pram tomorrow will make you feel better. Even a gentle stroll around the shops or something to get you out and about. I also found baby groups good to get you meeting with people who are in the same boat.
The first weeks are tough but it does pass!

You sound like you are doing an amazing job. It's really so hard. Your baby doesn't hate you, I promise.

Can you ring your health visitor or midwife in the morning? They were great with me when I hit a really low patch around this stage. It really does get better. You are doing really well and you sound like a great mum xxx

I don't think it's PND. I think it's exhaustion. They use sleep deprivation to torture people! And no, there is not a chance in hell I could have left the house in those days. I couldn't actually get up to answer the phone.

I have a screecher next door. I have never in my born days heard a baby scream so much. I'm not getting much sleep either thanks to him/her, but fuck me, I had a very easy baby.

Did you post a few days ago about your DD being constantly hungry? It sounds familiar.
You’re doing a great job. You are. It’s really fucking hard, especially when your partner makes unhelpful comments like that.
Mine is 10 weeks now (he’s DC3 but I’d forgotten how hellish the first few weeks are!) and things are much easier. Their stomachs are still so small at 3 weeks that they are constantly hungry. They can’t help it. In a few weeks she’ll start going longer between feeds, and hopefully sleeping slightly longer stretches. Hang on in there.

If your dh is so great and never makes a mistake them he can take over everything and give you a break

2hours sleep per night for 9 weeks and the world was tilting.

Think if Dp had ever started to berate me over my mistakes he would have been wearing the Le Creuset frying pan and I would have been pleading temporary insanity due to exhaustion

Oh and it depends on your personality but I had to be out and about from day 1. 10 weeks in we haven’t had a full day at home yet, I can’t take it! I need fresh air and adult conversation, and find it way too intense being at home with a baby.

If it's any help, I can hear the Mum saying 'What is wrong, what is wrong' and trying dreadfully to sing twinkle twinkle little star - she'll never make xfactor lol. This baby screams like it's being murdered, so much so that I wonder whether it's going to hurt it's lungs or trachea or something. But they appear to have it under control somewhat. I think they shipped out their other little one temporarily.

Babies are not easy. Even easy ones who don't cry much. A screaming one must induce a form a madness.

3 weeks in and the cracks do start to show. Nobody is an expert parents so he needs to realise that. No doubt your body is still knackered after pregnancy and either pushing that baby out or after a section. Either way you can't possibly be yourself yet, so not putting the lid on the bottle properly is pretty standard. It's all new to you. I really thought about leaving - many times. I imagined myself driving off to a hotel somewhere and hiding out, having taken out enough cash to cover myself for days so I couldn't be tracked. So believe me you are not the only one and you won't be the last to think like that - even if it is in jest. Your husband needs to cop on, treat you gently and learn a bit about post partum hormones and how you cannot be fucking Wonder Woman. I'd agree with the idea to leave him for a couple of hours and head off to get sleep at a friend's/family, or send him out for a walk with baby in pram for an hour so you can nap at home. And have a word with your gp if you continue to feel down in yourself. Loads of us have been there and have had pnd which can be treated. However those very first few weeks are generally difficult for most parents so you might fall into a routine in a week or 2 and find you feel better. Take help from anyone who offers - be it from friends or family who might cook for you, or do a bit of housework.

Oh my love, millions of us have been there. I'm not sure why it isn't spoken about more to be honest. Having a newborn is bastard hard work. And the sleep deprivation makes everything a millon times worse.

I truly thought my firt two hated me. I used to apologise to them constantly for not being better mother.

How often is she feeding and how much is she taking? Its soooo hard to know why they're crying at this age, it tends to be because they're either A) hungry or B) have a tummy ache and want to feed because that's the only thing that they know that might make them feel better. Is she bringing up wind?

It will get better I promise. And tell DH if he hasn't got anything useful to say such as 'let me run you a bath and get a nap whilst I watch the baby' or 'here, have some chocolate' then to shut the hell up. Sending very unmumsnetty hugs and solidarity x

My only tip is infacol. But you have to be religious about it before every feed. Then again, I didn't have a baby that screams like the one next door, so I don't know in that case. I think I'd be a permanent fixture in A&E!

Yes what horse says. Please call your hv. That is what they are there for. Can only support if asked to do so.
Tbh it all sounds normal for having a newborn but it really is so hard.
It will be ok, it will get easier, it will be more maneagable.

Oh and next door baby sound like he/she hates the world!! It's like it was fine and happy in the womb and is utterly discombobulated about being launched into the world!

Other things that helped - I had a thermometer in the room set to 19 degrees. An aunt very gently told me that she was crying because she was cold. I always followed safe SIDS guidelines but upped the temp a few degrees. Put your phone ON SILENT when you're sleeping. People who are on a normal day/night schedule can ring you while you're getting a few hours precious sleep. Ask DH to make the bottles for the next 24 hours (mine survived without ever getting as much as a tummy bug), so that all you have to do is get up, warm bottle, feed, burp, change nappy and back to bed.

Make sure they're safe in Moses basket with nothing fancy or fussy in it, so you can relax knowing they're in a safe place.

All that aside, talk to your HV - that's their job. To support you now.

Hugs to you OP. It's exhausting. We used to fight about the smallest thing when our DC was newborn.

It's nearly the weekend, can you speak to your OH about getting a lie in or having a nap so you can try to catch up some sleep?

I have an 8 week old.m with reflux (I think) and terrible wind at night. He doesn't sleep for more than two hours which he does between about ten and twelve - then it's up every hour without fail and he will only sleep on my chest, not lying in his cot or cocoon thing.

It's bloody hard and even the best relationship is strained by lack of sleep. I see my partner doing things differently to how I would and my toes curl but I bite my tongue as I know he's doing his best and really who am I to say he's doing something wrong? Not screwing the bottle lid on properly is so minor, I've done it about five times.l but it's just a change of clothes. Everything always seems so much worse in your head than it actually is. I think it's normal to be snappy and short with each other sometimes at this stage of things. Sounds like your partner could be a lot kinder to you though.

I told my doctor last week that I kept fantasising about getting on a train to anywhere on my own just for a bit of peace! I don't think it's unusual to have thoughts like that at this stage. You should speak to someone about it though. My doctor has booked an appointment for two weeks to talk about medication but I think I'll be ok, it does start to get better around six weeks as you get used to the awful routine of wake up, feed, scream/puke (with reflux) and then try to settle. Can you do shifts so you go to bed early and your partner stays up with the baby and then you swap over about 1am ish? That's the only way we're getting to sleep at the moment. I'm mostly breastfeeding but he has formula for his night feed so I can go to bed.

Thanks all. I am feeling a bit better this morning. I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable, he has a way of making me feel like I’m the bad one.

DD has reflux and is FF. I had wanted to breastfeed but that hasn’t worked out I do express where I can though.

He has said he will do the early morning feed tomorrow so I can get a lay in. He did throw it in my face that I’d had a 5 hour nap last weekend. I only had it as I’m averaging a few hours a day and he’s getting 7/8.

I’m not saying this lightly but would you be better off without him? It sounds like he’s tripping you into post natal depression by his lack of support and negativity. I left my dds dad for the same reason - I had awful pnd and felt exactly like you do, I left him when she was 6 months old and it was the best thing I ever did. I actually bonded with my dd and learned to trust my own parenting. She is now 16 and we have a fantastic bond - and her dad has to learn to be a dad on his own and I got a break!

What was he like as a partner before your baby came? The first few weeks can be hell for everybody. If you was a twatt beforehand then unfortunately this is unlikely to change . but if he wasn't then you need to find a way that you can both work together. Try and except the you're both knackered and don't make it into a competition. Make sure you both have a chance to have a bit of down time. It will get easier either way.

If your baby has reflux, have you tried a sling? DD had reflux and wouldn't sleep lying down, was miserable lying down awake and wanted to comfort feed constantly. In a sling she was a different, much more pleasant baby - she had proper naps and so properly spaced out feeds and was happy awake. Once they are asleep, you can carefully sit down and put the TV on so it's not as hard on the feet as it sounds. My GP refused to give me anything more than gaviscon because her weight was fine (she was comfort feeding constantly) and it didn't help much but if you get a more sympathetic GP ranitidine is supposed to be very helpful with reflux.