Disapline 3 year old.

[sarah8484]

Any advice on how to curb my 3 year olds behaviour would be appreciated. My 3 year old (turned 3 in feb) is hard work and pushes my buttons all day everyday! Today he has played up around the supermarket (running away, making silly noises) then we had a opticians appointment and he was not listening to the lady and been rude. (He knows what he's doing). Now he's just threw a stone at the conservatory window and broke it. Shattered to pieces. I told him off and asked him why he did it and he said 'cus i did' i said why did you throw it he said 'to break the window'! Today is one of his worser days but everyday he pushes my buttons. Im at my wits end. How do i curb his behaviour?

Hey OP my 3 year old sounds similar. I find clear consequences are beginning to work I.e. if you do that again this will happen then I follow through with the this if he does it again. I find it tough because he is still my baby but at the same time I don't want him growing up to be a demon.

I also try and count to 10 before responding to his behaviour(unless he or someone else is getting hurt obviously ) so that I can address him calmly as he responds better to that then me snapping.

My mum used to threaten us with dire things “when she got us home”,

My sister resorted to bribes- “if you are quiet as a mouse until we get to the car you can have some smarties”

If my ds played up in the supermarket he was strapped in the trolley and not allowed to walk. At home, naughty step and no tv if he was very bad. A special tea with chocolate crispy cakes for the days when he was good.
But mostly I think it’s just a phase and as long as you are calm, consistent and physically stop them from hurting themselves or anyone else, he’ll grow out of it.

Deep breath and don’t go near the wine until after 6pm.

@AssassinatedBeauty i left the supermarket and came home to do it online as his behaviour was embarrassing. Him and his brother was having their eyes tested, he went first and was just not listening to instructions (fully capable of listening) and i was saying, listen to the lady, telling him what to do, why he needs to do it, and bribing him with stuff for a easy life (i know it's making him worse) Then when it was his brothers turn he was the full in devil. I tried keeping him busy with things in my bag, games on my phone, making paper towers out leaflets. Its when were out he's worse, he knows he can get away with more when were out.

If it is when you're out maybe try setting out clear expectations before leaving the house and what the consequence will be if the expectations aren't meet. That way you have a clear plan of what you are going to do if he misbehaves which I find makes it easier to carry through rather than an in the spur of the moment threat.

You get down to his level and say stop. No. In a firm voice. If he laughs you say: You DO NOT DO X. If you do X I will do Y.
Then always always follow through. No matter what. No matter how many times he screams and cries. I don’t have a naughty step. I just remove them and put them somewhere.
Consequences have to be IMMEDIATE. So if you are rude again, we will leave. If you mess about in the supermarket I will take you home. Pick him up and go home. That’s it.
Always always always follow through. That’s the key to discipline.

3 is a funny age because they are still very little and still quite instinctive. However when DS got to the end of reception I could tell very very clearly which kids had parents who spoiled them and which kids didn’t (barring SN).

He has no concept of the fact that his behaviour makes you sad, he is too young to be able to empathise. Explaining 'why' all the time won't have any effect either, he won't comprehend the reasoning behind it.

All consequences for bad behaviour need to adversely affect him. Bribes don't work in my experience. Withdrawal of things he likes will affect him. He is the one who needs to feel sad because he's done something naughty and been punished for it. Only then will he realise that bad behaviour = consequences.

Don't let him get away with thing when you are out because you feel embarrassed. You have to be firm and consistent all the time.

He's 3 not 13. He can't empathize and he's testing the world, including you. He's not bad or naughty or a demon

Get How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and follow it. Clear expectations, natural consequences, no arsing around. Short instructions and clear positive consequences if behaviour is followed. Immediate positive consequences for expected behaviour. Thank yous and high fives are more effective than treats. Very simple sentences, getting more simple. Work on a positive relationship with you rather than behaviour so he wants to do what you ask.

Work on antecedents...is he bored, tired, hungry, thirsty? Expect worse. Never expect more than is age appropriate behaviour. But if he's capable of the behaviour, and is prepared, natural consequences if he doesn't. So for example, he won't put his coat in? He gets cold. As long as he won't get hypothermia, that's OK by you. You are sympathetic, "I'm sorry you're cold" but you don't 'rescue' or 'teach a lesson'. No saying, "told you so". Next time he'll wear a coat.

No battles, no winning or losing. You're on the same side.

I have a two year old who is already a bit like this. Will give me a long, fixed stare, then do exactly what I have told her not to do - draw on the rug , hit her baby sister, etc etc. However I am very swift and decisive if she does these things.

1. "No - We don't do X".
2. "We don't do X. If you do that again, I will take you to time out / take the pens away / take you back to the car" (whatever is appropriate in that situation).
3. Do it! Even if it feels like it's punishing me more than her, eg abandoning a shop.

Any punishments/rewards for my DD have to be instant. She's not old enough to get "you were naughty/good earlier today so now this happens." If she is good, she gets to choose a sticker from the pack I carry around in my bag or a treat if we are somewhere where that's possible/affordable. She's not quite aware enough for a star chart but we'll make one soon as she is getting towards that.

I used to be a teacher (albeit for teenagers!) so it helps me to put on that "blank" persona when it's tough - I don't act rattled or stressed, I just follow my 1,2,3 actions.

Oh, and I praise, praise, praise, trying to "catch her when she's good"... "You're being a really good big sister there, well done", "Thank you for being so helpful with the shopping basket", "Can you help Mummy by finding the bananas?" "That's really sensible walking, thank you".

Sometimes it can feel a bit OTT but it's good to give her a way back in if she's been acting up and you can see her shoulders lifting when I say stuff like that, even if she appears to be ignoring me when I do!

Consequences have to be IMMEDIATE. So if you are rude again, we will leave. If you mess about in the supermarket I will take you home. Pick him up and go home. That’s it.
Always always always follow through. That’s the key to discipline.

This. DS is 3 too, am hoping it's a difficult age! At home we also have a 'toy naught shelf' (toy he's playing with goes on it) and for violence, time outs (no naughty step, he wouldn't stay, I ignore him for 3 minutes on a timer). it kind of mostly works though when he's in a really wild mood he just gets into a 'bring it on' mentality so I feel your pain! Narration is also helpful as someone else said I.e say what's going to happen and remind them of the rules before you do it. We're going into a shop now, remember the rules for shops? No touching things on shelves, stay where you can see mummy, don't go out the door.

Was he tired/hungry? We do a warning followed by naughty step /time our as consequences. I noticed my two year old pouring water from her sippy cup on the furniture. She got told off and warned not to do it again or time out. She did it again and got time out. Next day she carefully put a few drops of water on the furniture and then came and got me and said “mummy look what I done”. It was only a few drops but I gave her the time out, she seemed to want to check what would happen and if I would be consistent. The benefit is I suppose that now just saying ‘this is what will happen if you do ‘x’ behaviour’ often stops the behaviour as they know I’ll follow through. I don’t bother saying I’m sad as it has no effect, but I might say that I don’t like certain behaviour, or that if they do naughty behaviour I might get cross, and I don’t want to get cross. That also sometimes works. Not sure if I’m doing it right or not!

Lots of positive reinforcement for good behaviours.

If misbehaving then get down to his level and speak to him eye to eye. Be firm and clear about the consequences for his actions "if you continue to be rude/run around in the supermarket etc then this is what will happen" and FOLLOW THROUGH with that consequence.

Once the punishment has been given (going straight home/naughty step/time out or whatever) you need to again get down on his level Male eye contact and explain "you have had this punishment because you did x. Now apologise because that behaviour isn't acceptable."

Be consistent, be firm and don't ever back down on a consequence for bad behaviours.

I smack. It stops naughty behaviour immediately. It’s a last resort and most times a stern voice is sufficient. I certainly would not put up with a child defying me or laughing at me while being told off.

I wish that was illegal, as it is in Scotland and hopefully soon in Wales.

If you do use a “naughty” chair/step call it the “thinking” chair rather than a naughty chair. This helps to avoid children labelling themselves as naughty.

I smack

I thank my DD a lot for doing things. Now she thanks me and others all the time. You smack. See it; do it.

i smack*

Come and tell us how that worked out for you when your kids are teens/adults and only know to use physical violence when something isn't going their way.

I found the Charlie Taylor book Divas and Dictators really helpful.

You can’t reason with a small child or make them empathise with someone they’ve hurt. And you can’t apply delayed punishments. An hour later they won’t connect having tv privileges revoked with having been naughty. Wittering on about hurt feelings is basically no punishment at all. A short sharp smack resolves most issues and the lack of it is why so many kids today are extremely naughty.

My 3yo is pretty well behaved but I wouldn't let her walk around the supermarket, always put her in the trolley unless it's just a quick nip in for milk and bread. Not putting him in the trolley is just giving yourself needless hard work. If he has a tantrum when you put him in the trolley then sit him in, say a firm "no you need to sit in the trolley" and wait outside until he's calmed down. Don't engage, don't try to reason with him, just wait until its passed.

If you have said no to something then stick with it, even if you change your mind. Never giving in to tantrums and always following through on consequences for bad behaviour. Give realistic and immediate consequences, so no ice cream if you mess about in the restaurant, or we will go home if you don't listen to me. I have followed through on both of these and it was hard and I did feel bloody guilty when her friends were eating ice cream in front of her but she hasn't played up in a restaurant since.

I do think that telling him his behaviour makes you sad is pretty pointless at that age, he doesn't understand.

And don't try to reason with him, just a firm expectation of behaviour, tell him a consequence if that expectation is not met and then follow through on that consequence.

Don't be embarrassed, honestly I would feel more embarrassed for people to think I'm being a wet blanket with my DC than for them to play up but people see me discipline them.

@VelvetPineapple did you mean to be so fucking inflammatory??

I hope to god someone sees you abusing your child and reports you to ss. I can't believe that you don't see how wrong your attitude is.

How, in this day and age, someone believes that abusing their child is an acceptable method of discipline is fucking beyond me,

You are a disgrace.

Smacking is perfectly legal. It isn’t classed as abuse and SS won’t - can’t - get involved because no laws are being broken. I don’t think my attitude is wrong and the law in England agrees with me and supports my right to smack.

Let's hope that changes soon, and it becomes utterly unacceptable to hit children.

Smacking has been shown over and over to be counter productive and to produce long term issues. It is unnecessary, there are many different and effective ways to parent that don't involve hurting children.

Anyway, @sarah8484, have a look at the books/methods mentioned here and see what you think. Consider parenting classes if you think you need the additional support. Lots of people do them, it's a useful thing to do for any parent.

I find it interesting that so many people think that at 3 they don’t understand someone being sad or making someone sad. My DS is 2.5 and over a month ago I’d been having a bad evening, very snappy with DH and frazzled. I put DS in the bath and he looked at me and said ‘mummy very sad’. Sad wasn’t quite the right emotion but it was close and he certainly noticed I was unhappy - it’s actually made me more guarded with my emotions but I’m pretty sure if he really made me sad and I told him do he’d get it. Need to label the emotion accurately though or it’s just confusing, they need to gradually learn the difference between sad and cross (and eventually frustrated, disappointed etc. As they get older). I think it’s part but probably only one part of correcting their behaviour to tell them how it affects others.
Some good ideas her from the folks being constructive, thanks.