Will I ever feel like my old self again?

[IfOnlyTheyCouldTalk]

DH and I have an 7 week old DD who I love dearly. It wasn't the easiest journey to have her and I feel very lucky. However I was so unprepared for what motherhood would be like. The sleep deprivation is hard but mainly it's the overwhelming responsibility and the fact that my old life completely disappeared the day I had her. DH and I never have time to have a proper conversation, I can never ever relax even if someone else has her because I know it's for a finite amount of time and soon I'll need to be back on the relentless wheel.

I can't relax as always worried about her screaming (although I've started to get less stressed about this). I feel sad for sling like this but I feel sad for my old self, for my old carefree life. I really miss it and want to know if I'll ever get it back again or if I need to make my peace with it and accept it's over.

As long as you have a dependant child the responsibility will remain and the lack of carefreeness will as well. As they get older it eases, when they are in childcare/school it is less intense and immediate. And then at some point they'll leave home!

But, after a while, this becomes the new normal and it doesn't seem so overwhelming. You're still in the very early days. Mine are 6 and 2, and we can be spontaneous in what we do with them if we want to.

With a tiny baby, they are fairly portable. I used to go out for the day with mine and go for walks, visiting places and people. Whatever and wherever I felt like going.

Oh.dear ....well firstly, many congratulations!

I think it's literally the age of your DD that's the issue.

I think by week7/8 you do really wonder wth, you are sleep deprived, shocked at the reality of being responsible for a little life, and just about recovered from the birth.

It gets better!

The first few weeks/months you need all the support you can get, to catch some breaks for yourself, and you're getting to know your new db.

Are you ebf? If so,you could do some expressing and let df do all the feeding for a day? Or one feed a day in the evening?

Do you have any family or friends around who can jump in and can you a hand/break?

Breastfeeding didn't work out so she's on formula. My MIL and DM are both very helpful and DH is good too so it's not like I don't have support. It's difficult to describe but I guess I don't have the "lightness" I had before her. I know other women have children and say they feel euphoric.., that's not my experience. Whilst I love her more than anything I feel stressed and overwhelmed.

I don't think I'm depressed as we function well day to day and I enjoy parts of it, I just want to feel like "me" again. To have a laugh about things and to feel like I've got time to think about anything other than my baby- is this normal?

When other women say they feel euphoric they don't mean all the time, or even frequently. It's not at all unusual to feel like you're working hard at keeping it all together. Having a tiny baby is lots of hard work and lots of mental work too. This tiny baby needs you totally, it's a big responsibility.

You will feel like you again. Having a baby and being a new parent is one of the biggest changes you can go through. It will take time to settle and for you to gain confidence and get used to it. It is still very early days.

I think you are due some time out to go and let your hair down with friends, so you can hop off the responsibilities for a night!

Are you all recovered ok? Loccia stopped?
Not got run down?

I'm physically ok apart from a bit run down through being exhausted. I think I'd feel better mentally if DD had some kind of routine - to clarify I don't expect this at all! But I'm struggling with never knowing what's happening- if I knew when she would sleep approximately and when she would feed I could cope more. I've been sitting up with her for three hours now and I can't get to sleep during the day. I'm probably getting 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night.

I feel you! My DD is 18 weeks now and I've just had a breakdown for the exact same reason. I slowly became overwhelmed with the fact that I can never 100% walk away from my baby and relax. Even if I'm physically away from her, my mind is always thinking "has she slept? Is she crying? Is she having a breakdown and they're not telling me? I need to go home now. " I missed out on a very close friends hen do today, I got ready to go and almost made it out the door when DD refused to take a bottle (breastfed but usually very happy with bottle) and started screaming. By the time she had settled and was happy enough for me to leave, it was too late.

I like to go for a walk with her or go shopping to show myself I can still go out and get things done, kind of makes me feel better and in control. Give it a go, if you haven't already. It may take a few tries and a bit of patience, but it helps. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to tell you it will get better, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone in this

Is your DH able to take over when he is not working to enable you to catch up on sleep? Or in the evenings to give you a solid chunk of sleep?

She has a cough at the moment which gets bad when I pay her down even with her bed propped, that's why I'm staying up and holding her. I can't sleep either way because if I put her down she starts coughing loads and I can't sleep through it.

@Mayah I'm so sorry to hear that are you getting some help?

I feel overwhelmed too, mine is 5 months old. You really never get a night off from this feeling in the pit of your stomach that a life depends on you and I’m sure as mothers we feel acutely lonely as times as the main responsibility falls at our door primarily.
Mine LO is sleeping on me right now and I can literally hear my husband snoring in the next room. She’s had me up hourly, nothing can prepare you for it

Well if you think about it, 9 mo that of pregnancy is a huge drain ofn your resources, then giving birth, trying to recover from that, plus sleep deprivation isn't the best way to feel great! But, it is about getting the day and night sorted.

Once your bd is sleeping better at night you will feel a lot better that's for sure, and the worries are greater when db is very young, the bigger they get the less intense the worry.

Time for your dp to do a couple of night shifts, as you're not ebf, then you can have a couple of full night's sleep!

@IfOnlyTheyCouldTalk oh yes, she is the first GC on both sides of the family so I am not at all short on baby sitters. And I am so grateful for everyone and their help. But its like you said, I absolutely love spending time with her and she is so worth it all, but it's the loss of that lightness that finally got to me today.

You will feel like "me" again. And she'll probably be a slightly different "me".
And that's ok.
Having your first child is arguably the biggest change /upheaval we can experience as a woman.
For some (probably not many🤪)it's a smooth transition, but I think for most of us the initial weeks/ months are a bloody bumpy road!
Massive shock to the system, no matter how prepared you think you are.
A lot of us go through the wringer as "Me" seems to become "us" with no sleep, hormones awry, daily life turned on its head, relationship dynamics shifting. It's a wonder we get through it, but we DO
Things will gradually fall into place. I know it's a cliche, but it really does feel like FOREVER in the early stages. I sincerely promise you it isn't.
Be kind to yourself, you just had a baby. A huge achievement/ordeal , depending on how you feel at that moment 😉
Accept any/all help. Ask for it if it's not offered.An hour for a bath or coffee with a mate you can talk openly to can make all the difference sometimes.
Don't sweat the small stuff and trust your instincts.
You're going to be fine - more than fine, great!

I felt just like you with my first! The lack of freedom and independence was such a shock to the system. I cried and grieved for the loss of my previous life. It was impossible to explain this to anyone else.
Then it got better and I didn't feel like that anymore. All of a sudden I loved my new life.
Now I have second DC and he is 6 weeks old and the shock is my old life with my first born and not being able to give him enough attention or do things "just the two of us".
Hoping it will get easier soon but gees parenting is just so bloody hard!

For me it got a lot better when DS started sleeping through (6months) and I felt back to my old self when I went back from work and stopped BF (1 year).

Having a baby can feel like sacrificing everything that makes you you. But it doesn’t last forever. My advice is to mentally write off the next 6 months and be 100% mum for that time.

Old carefree life... not a chance but you do get used to the responsibility of a child and once I passed the baby phase it didn’t seem so crippling. Your old self... absolutely. I know exactly how you feel. I would say by the time my first was a year old, I definitely felt like everything was under control and I was me again. Being able to put them to bed at 7 and not see them again for 12 hours makes a huge difference as you get your evenings back. I am enjoying my second so much more as I know that no matter how I feel now, it will all pass and in due course everything goes back to normal. It’s normal with a child so a bit different, but it’s definitely normal again. Hang in there and enjoy these moments with your baby, they will grow up soon enough.

After about 4 years things get more or less back on track. Or when the youngest is 4.

Sending you hugs OP. My baby is 14 weeks and I felt the same as you. What helped for me was accepting that this was a new stage in my life and that I would feel myself again, but a slightly different version. It has got lots easier - I found getting to 12 weeks a real watershed in terms of being able to predict feeding more and also better sleep.
I know it’s not for everyone but I tried co sleeping in first two months when I was desperate and it worked. Don’t need to do it now but I really think it helped keep me sane to start with as I got more sleep.

Also I totally understand the responsibility being overwhelming. I still have that but again at 12 weeks got a bit less as baby seemed less fragile in a way - could hold head up etc. However I think the sense of responsibility is here to stay!

Thank you all for the replies it's good to know that what I'm relief isn't too uncommon by the looks of it. I love her to pieces but just feel like my life has gone forever. The advice to write off 6 months is probably good and I'm hoping to feel a bit better by 12 weeks. I've managed to get some housework done this morning whilst she's been in the sling (exciting ) but it's good to get something done that isn't feeding or changing a nappy!

Clinging on to the idea that this will be a stage and I will feel like a human being with my own life again at some point.

My LO is nearly 14 months and I've found every 3 months to feel like a step towards being "me". Once you're out of the newborn, recovery mode, it gets a bit easier, once they can sit up, it's gets a bit easier, once they start communicating, it gets a bit easier, once they stop needing 4 outfit changes a day, it gets easier etc etc.

I'm not the old me by any stretch (I'm definitely more sober) but starting to feel more comfortable in the new me that motherhood has brought!

It is a sea change being the sole provider for such a helpless infant, plus the body shock of pregnancy and birth.

Don't wish your time away, you will blink and find your infant (and any others you have) have all too quickly grown up, and you little baby/child/teen is independent and having done a good job, no longer needs you!

These days can seem endless, but the months will soon fly by. I think its about getting enough sleep and support. Go to baby massage, or baby swim to focus on just enjoying this time together.

It's good you could come share and get lots of supportive feedback.

Co-sleeping is your friend.

I felt the same OP, I felt trapped. Like I could never switch off or escape. DS is now 9 months old and the feeling is long gone. It becomes the new norm! Although I am happy to go see friends for the day/evening whilst DH and DM look after him. I feel so comfortable with them caring for him and I can go out and just relax and be care free for a few hours! But I haven’t met many mums that are happy to do that with a baby. I think I’m the odd one out but I don’t feel guilty because DS is very much loved by us all.

What I’m trying to say is don’t worry about leaving baby with someone you love and trust whilst you get some ‘me’ time!