Will I ever feel like my old self again?

[IfOnlyTheyCouldTalk]

DH and I have an 7 week old DD who I love dearly. It wasn't the easiest journey to have her and I feel very lucky. However I was so unprepared for what motherhood would be like. The sleep deprivation is hard but mainly it's the overwhelming responsibility and the fact that my old life completely disappeared the day I had her. DH and I never have time to have a proper conversation, I can never ever relax even if someone else has her because I know it's for a finite amount of time and soon I'll need to be back on the relentless wheel.

I can't relax as always worried about her screaming (although I've started to get less stressed about this). I feel sad for sling like this but I feel sad for my old self, for my old carefree life. I really miss it and want to know if I'll ever get it back again or if I need to make my peace with it and accept it's over.

Our NCT teacher told us that at some point, probably in the middle of the night, we'd look down at our newborn and think, "what the fuck have I done? This is the worst mistake of my life." Thank god. Because if I hadn't been told that, when it happened to me, I honestly don't know how I would have coped. As it was, I really really struggled. I remember walking around the neighbourhood pushing his pram trying to get him to sleep, tears pouring down my face while i tried to think of a single good thing that had happened as a result of his birth.

In retrospect, I think I had a bit of PND. I did speak to my doctor about it at 6 weeks and she reassured me and said I was doing lots of the right things already but to come back to her if things didn't start to lift within a couple of weeks. And luckily, they did. Although it was quite a bit longer before I really started to feel better.

As for feeling like myself, that took a while. I felt a lot better by about 6 months and things were a lot easier and life went on in a good way. But to be able to start feeling like ME took a lot longer and in fact, I'm not entirely sure it happened until after dc2 was a bit older too. But I went to meet a friend who was in the depth of it when DC2 was just turned 2 and I realised that i WAS back. And luckily, my friend saw it too because it turned out she was really really struggling and needed reassurance things would get better! .

The fact that you're already enjoying some parts of it is is excellent and a good sign. And once DC is in a bit of a routine and you are more comfortable, you'll be amazed how much less scary and stressful it is. For me, it was always being on edge without any sense of what would happen next. In my career, my job is to think ahead, plan and prepare. And not being able to do that drove me crazy.