Should I let him take our 2 year old abroad?

[Wellybobs2]

My OH’s parents are ex pats who live in Cyprus. We have visited them every single summer for 2 weeks for at least 4/5 years, including only months after DS was born.
I have a awful fear of flying so spend months leading up to going dreading it and then have to take diazepam, which isn’t ideal when I now have a child to look after.
I don’t particularly enjoy it when we are there as it’s too hot for DS to be out so we are basically stuck sweating inside all day, and then they like to go out on a night to restaurants/bars until the small hours, which was fine when it was the 2 of us but I don’t agree with it when we have a tired child with us! We spend the whole time basically doing what they want to do, visiting their friends etc so they can show DS off.
I’ve said since last year I want a year off from going as I said I spend the whole lead up dreading it and then counting down the days when we are there. OH agreed but then decided with his mum that he would go without me for a week and take DS with him alone. I know he’s his dad and he’ll take care of him but I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place of being without my baby for a week and letting him be abroad without me or spending months of my year dreading a fortnight I hate. I suggested they come over here and we all go on a UK break but that was ignored. Everyone I have spoke to said they can’t believe I’m letting my child go away without me but I know if I told him he couldn’t take him his parents would be calling me all the names under the sun.
What do you think?

He wants to take his son to visit his parents, you can go if you want to. This is unreasonable

Your post states that the DC is simply a trophy, ignores and not considered and kept up all hours. Young baby is not used to the heat and you say they ignore his needs. It also sounds like your oh and his DM have ignored your part in having your young baby disappear for two whole weeks too.

This is your decision about whether you are happy for your young baby to go away for two weeks, bearing in mind the way he is treated.

Don't be bullied by them. Do you trust your oh to be a good father when hes around him at home? Or is there something else going on?

Your partner is also a parent I would let your child go. It's only a week

It's up to oh to decide he will go alone,but he cannot unilaterally decide to take DS!!!!

If this is more about your discomfort around flying/staying abroad then that’s a bit unreasonable. A week isn’t long if his dad can look after him and tend to all his needs. It isn’t the usual two weeks which must mean something.

However, if you do have a strong reason to think DP will not be able to do all of that then tell him.

I rather think you are projecting a lot there. I just asked some questions based on the unilateral decisions OPs oh has made without her.

It's rude and unwarranted frankly. I don't know why you think its OK to make such random accusations.

You can read for yourself that OP has said a.lot.more than what youve picked up on.

Sorry I went through what?/ its also generally considered impolite to go searching through someone's history on here. II think you are ignoring a lot of what has also been said by OP and sidetracking by getting yourself overly invested in my discussion with OP. You're being rude

I’d let him go myself, but I know my husband would look after him well, plus I’d hope he’d come home with a new realization of how much I do. However at two I was still beast feeding so I’d want to have stopped that first. If I had any doubts about my husbands at parenting though, it would be a firm no.

Right, I have made it very clear I am not appreciating your over invested interference on someone else.s thread. Take the hint, recognise what is being said to you and drop it.

What is up with you trawling through someone's history in great detail? It's incredibly rude to start commenting and bringing someone's history to another thread. You are also way out of line in your comments here
You also dont seem to be very sensitive to what you're being told.

It's.coming across quite stalky, and please stop telling me things you know nothing of.

I couldn't be less interested in your narrative, and I certainly have not asked for or want your thoughts. You are extremely rude and you don't seem to care
This is someone else's thread so stop.derailing it.

Letting him go without you obviously feels very hard to do but it is an opportunity for you to show trust in your DH, unless you doubt his ability to look after his son for a week? You have a choice, although it feels like 'between a rock and a hard place'. If you decide to go with them is it not possible for you to go earlier or later in the year, when Cyprus is not quite so hot? Also, perhaps you could look for a course to overcome your fear of flying, or hypnosis - a treatment less invasive than drugs.

I hope you can come to a positive decision, rather than feeling you have been forced into doing something you don't want to do.

My OH is from a different county to me (EU)
He took DS home to his family for 5 days when he was 5 months old with no problems at all. It was great for my DH as he became far more confident in his role as the dad too.

I thought I would die being away from DS for that long, but I mostly slept

Could you split it so he takes DS out for 2 weeks and you join them for the last few days?

Sadly we now have 3 DCs and DH shows no inclination to take them all away for a week

Sorry, re-read about your flying issues.
Just leave them to it and book yourself something you can't do with kids

I wouldn't. 2 is still very young and Cyprus is boiling in the summer. 50 degrees when I was there. Let his parents call you names! They don't sound like very pleasant people! Youve suggested a reasonable alternative, their choice if they dont want to take it up this time. Yanbu. You would be unreasonable if you never went but you have been.

Of course you should let them go. He’s his father. He wants to take your son to see his grandparents and relatives who will fuss over and love your little one. Your husband spends 50 weeks a year in England, presumably with your family, so his desire to spend a few weeks at home with his family is completely natural. Do you think that between them your in-laws and DH cannot look after a child? You not wanting to make the trip is an entirely separate issue and nobody is forcing you to do that.

You have raised many issues on your OP.

Your fear of flying - fair enough
That you take diazepam and worry about the care if your DS when you are on them - why though as your Dh is there but you talk as though you have sole care and DH does not take responsibility.
The baby being so hot has to stay inside sweating all day every day.
Baby taken out to be 'shown-off' at night and being stopped from sleeping/being over tired.
That DH has decided without any discussion with you he will take DS away without you
You worrying about what others think.

It doesn't matter what they think, but you have raised issues for baby being taken there.

There's no reason you have to go, and that's understandable. You have been every year so far. Also seems reasonable, that the might visit you one year out of five!
Do you and toddler spend chunks of time apart?

I would not let my babies travel or stay with anyone that I didn't think would manage their needs and care properly.

A definite no from me. When you went as a couple last year you kowtowed to his parents and let your child get overtired and uncomfortable. I understand why as they sound very overbearing. This year he is proposing half the number of people attempt to stand up to them and advocate for your child’s needs. Not going to happen is it?

The way I see it they’ll either be tutting and getting annoyed with you or with your dh. When children are little, plans tend to cater around them because of their needs. They don’t want to do this which does make me wonder what they were like as parents.

As you say you’ve proposed they come over to you and you all go on holiday. This sounds like a really good plan. I assume they are retired. So why is it always you going over to see a retired couple when one or both of you work and have a young family? They chose to move away, have time on their hands and possibly a larger disposable income, so they should be willing to come back to see you too. Bottom line of it’s that important to see their child, they’d come over.

I think your husband is trying to seek approval and love from people, who are very self centred otherwise this plan wouldn’t even be a possibility. If you were able to ask your ds and he understood what was happening to him, you know he’d say no.

Dh would like to take dd to see his family alone, he’s foreign. I know he would do a sterling job of looking after her. I always said no when she was younger as I knew she wouldn’t cope well with the separation from me. She had separation anxiety, which got a lot better between ages 7 and 8 but not completely fixed. (She worries about me as I’m chronically ill). Now at 10 she won’t go with him alone. Fil is a nice man. But very set in his ways and has no idea of how to connect to dd. He doesn’t come over anymore due to age. Dh goes sometimes alone and we holiday close to his house once a year and see him then. It works well for us as dh can do stuff with his dad alone, which he wouldn’t get to do with us around.

Suggest your dh goes for a long weekend. They can do adult stuff together. It sounds like your in-laws don’t want to do kiddy stuff. So why the eagerness to take your ds? I don’t get it.

I wouldn't be happy with the situation and would persist with encouraging them fly to you. To allow your son to go, would set a precedent for the future, not just for this but all other big discussions, which your op can arrange without a conversation with you. Furthermore, this isn't a trip you enjoy are you happy to commit to visiting every year? Why can't his parents visit you?

finally I would need my relationship to absolutely be rock solid before allowing such a trip!

DH took our, then, 2 yr old abroad for 10 days to visit family. Yes, it was tough, but it was also great for them both.
The following year the then 6 yr big brother old demanded his trip with Daddy, so the pair of them went for the Easter holidays (he'd been at school for the previous trip, which coincided with a religious festival).

Any chance you can shift it away from the summer to benifit for the weather? And yes to his parents visiting you sometimes. There needs to be some give and take on all sides. His parents need to travel some times, you need to travel sometimes, DH needs to go alone or with your son sometimes.

"OH agreed but then decided with his mum that he would go without me for a week and take DS with him alone."

How dare he make that decision without you?!
I agree with Mummyoflittledragon.
His parents should visit you. And if you visit them it should be another time of year (not the summer when it's too hot) and you should stand firm about things like DS getting a decent night's sleep. If you weren't able to do that when you were there, there's no way your partner will do it when you're not there.
So it's a no from me. And I think you have bigger problems than this trip.

Your OH is his parent too, and is taking him to visit his GPs. I don't think it's fair that they should all miss out on building that relationship because you have a fear of flying.

Tell your OH your concerns - he may even agree to write an itinerary with his DM so you know your son is being catered for, but I definitely don't think you should stop him from going.

I think if you stopped OH taking DS, eventually either he or the ILs will resent you for it, and it's difficult to fix that once the damage is don.

No I wouldn’t let him go. It’s absolutely not unreasonable to want a year off from what sounds like a miserable experience and if your child is being dragged from pillar to post while he’s there and you’re not happy that his needs will be prioritised rather than those of his controlling grand parents then no.