AIBU? Advice needed on MIL!

[Nickname1234567]

Hello all.
Need some advice please!
On Saturday night OH made last minute plans to go out for the evening so i asked MIL to have my 1 year old. She had him over night. At 7.30pm OH had a fb message of her saying he was crying, and that she put him to bed & he was still crying, she sent mutiple other texts saying yes hes still crying does he allways do this? she eventually msged saying that she THINKS that he is asleep now!, then after OH msging back saying what do you mean think! and she said she checked and he was. This must have been 30-45 mins after she said she put him in there crying. The reason i am so pissed off is because, my son doesnt go to bed untill around 9.30pm at home, and he goes to bed when hes tired, he doesnt get put to bed to cry to sleep, ever. He had lots of naps that day so i know he wouldnt have been tired at that time and probably fell to sleep because of exhaustion of the constant crying. She text around 11pm saying he had woke up again, that would be because he went to bed to early when he napped most of the day due to him being grumpy and teething. She knew this btw!
She doesnt know i know what she did, but i seen the messages. Am i being unreasonable to be really annoyed and upset? All i can think about is my poor baby stuck in a dark room alone crying his eyes out whilst my MIL sat in the lounge. I dont want her having him over night anymore, she is my only means of babysitter but i would much rather not go out then to think my baby would be left in a room crying his eyes out to get him to sleep. I dont think she thinks that shes done wrong but i am mortified. I dont want her to have him over night anymore, but i also dont know whether to tell her why, because the messages were between her and OH. Advice please.

Why is a one year old going to bed so late at 9.30? My 7 year old doesn't go to bed that late!

A difference in parenting. She doesn't sound like she tried to upset your child and she was just perhaps doing her best according to how she parented.
Did you leave instructions on how you expected the night to go.
Did you offer to go back and collect him

She probably expected an earlier bedtime. Did you tell her your normal bedtime routine? Id be fuming if my baby was left to cry though so i get that. Why is it secret that you know this?
Communication doesnt seem very good to be honest

Did she know what the routine is? If you’re not happy with the way she does things do rely on her to look after your dc at the last minute and overnight

To be fair she obviously didn't get much notice if it was a last minute plan. Maybe she didn't really want to babysit. You should have told her what time he goes to bed and that he wouldn't be tired after his naps. Why didn't your oh tell her this as soon as she messaged that he was crying? He should have rang her at that point to explain why Ds was most likely crying and to tell her to take him back up out of bed until 9.30.

We have a LO (15m) whose bedtime is 6.45-7.
There is no way on this planet he would make it until 9.30 every night.
We sometimes do leave him to whinge for 15 minutes or so.
However, if he stayed with my mum, she wouldn't leave him to cry at all, because he wouldn't be familiar with his surroundings like he is at home.
Does MiL do your sons care often? Does she know his routine?

Did you explain your baby's bedtime routine beforehand? 9.30 seems very late to me so maybe she didn't know he had loads of naps in the day? Why didn't you speak to her when all these messages were being sent?
Seems a lack of communication all round, she was probably trying to do her best.

When I leave my DC with my MIL, she gets details of their routine - did she know your DC goes to bed relatively late? Nothing wrong with 9.30pm if that's his routine but she probably thought she was doing the right thing. Leaving him to cry for 45 minutes would annoy me though, she's basically sleep training your child without your agreement.

My 20month old is the same, can only go to bed when tired which is also often around 9.30pm (and typically the norm for kids around that age). Just because someone else’s 7 year old doesn’t go to bed that late doesn’t mean you’re setting a wrong bed time, you’re probably both following your child’s lead. Every child is different and has different needs.

Did you not explain his routine beforehand? Did you offer to go and get him? Sounds like she was having a difficult time taking care of a baby who was grumpy, teething, whose routine she didn't know and who had slept all day. She sent multiple texts, it sounds like she was telling you she wasn't really managing?

Yes i know, his bed time is late! I didnt ask for judgement on his bedtime. I have tried to get him into an earlier routine by stopping his naps during the day but he is just so miserable and constantly falling to sleep sitting up if i do so. Anyway that is another story, yes she does know his bedtime routine, very well actually. This is not usual behaviour for her at all. She was on facebook during this time whilst my child was in the dark screaming. Even though i was texting her asking if he was ok, she was texting me back much later just saying Hes fine. But texting OH otherwise. I did message her as soon as i seen she messaged him and she just text saying hes fine, im not sure why she wouldnt just tell me the truth that he was crying so she put him to bed and she had let him cry out. She knows how i feel about the crying out method because i have tried it before trying to get him to go to bed earlier, and it did not last long i hated it and i told her that i dont want him to be left crying as he gets so distressed. She knows his routine very well, i used to live with her! I have only left one month ago and moved into my own place.

If you were so bothered why did you not go get him?

In OPs defence my DD went to bed after 9 at that age. We spent weeks trying to get her to bed earlier but when we gave up and put her to bed when she was tired at around 9pm she went back to sleeping through! We'd tried to get her to bed earlier because of other people's opinions and criticism you would have thought after a year of parenting we'd have know better but clearly not.

In contrast DS is 1 now and he goes to bed at 7pm. He gets tired and grouchy if we don't put him to bed, this was entirely his own doing and he's been like it since a few months old. They're all different.

To be fair to her, you didn't tell her your child has quite a late bedtime (no judgement here on that, by the way, different strokes for different folks and all that).
She went with what she thought was right and probably thought your child would settle, and then worried when they didn't.
I can't see where she did anything wrong.

Also yes my oh msged her to say that he will be coming back to collect him at 9pm as he wasnt happy, expecially that he went quiet and she didnt check on him to see if he had just fell to sleep, she just told him she thinks he was asleep. She said that he was out of order for saying he wanted to collect him. She did say that she wanted him when my oh asked her to have him, and when he said no just leave it as it is last minute she said she would still like to have him, so of he went. I explained to her that he had lots of naps and had been grumpy and teething and i would understand if she didnt want to have him but she said she would be fine. She knows his routine and she knows he is a later sleeper, i would never just put him in his cot alone and go and sit in the living room on my facebook whilst he was crying for an hour. :(

But you still did not go collect your baby but now after the fact you want to have a big moan about it.

You knew he was teething/grumpy and had napped yet you still decided a night out was more important. Kind of set mil up to fail in my view.

Simple solution do not use her for babysitting.

If you want it all done your way then do it yourself.

You know her, you know your baby as does your OH.

Take some responsibility. She is messaging obviously asking for comments/help/ advice. If you are your OH didn't like what she was saying in her 'multiple texts' then do something about it.

My OH and her had an argument about this and are now not talking, we was home by 9.40pm, she text him not to come and get him and was saying he was out of order, i was so upset i couldnt sleep, i just wanted to go and get him, but he was asleep at this time and i didnt want to go to her house and make a scene picking him up, i dont want to fall out with her, and she would see this as an insult. She doesnt communiate with me properly when she has him, she just says hes fine, i dont know why she cant just tell me if something is wrong, i would have gone back to get him if she was struggling, i have told her before that if there was any problem i would come back.

Im not sure going out for something to eat with my OH qualifies as a night out? and even if i did have a night out what would be wrong with that, parents deserve a break too! He has been teething for a while, nothing new. She knows about it aswell, im not moaning im asking for advice on how to handle the situation, if you all you have is rude comments then please just dont comment at all.

I would be very annoyed with this as well. Especially given that she knows you’ve made an active choice not to leave him to cry it out. Do you have the type of relationship where you could speak with her honestly about what happened?

I’d be very annoyed that she said your husband was out of order for wanting to go collect him. He’s your child and you know what’s best for him. Of course you don’t want him to be upset. Why on earth would you?!

It sounds like she didn’t want to admit he wouldn’t settle for her maybe? Which is a real shame as you’re likely to find it hard to trust her again.

If she 100% knew your routine and your feelings on the matter than yes you do have a right to be annoyed! I would be annoyed too.

I'm not sure why there is an issue with the messages though- I mean surely you and your OH communicate and she would expect that? I don't think my mother would be at all surprised if I told my husband the context of her text messages if it concerned babysitting our children.

She set multiple messages saying he was still crying.....

Look you are not going to accept yours and DHs part in this and solely lay the blame at MIL door not matter what posters say.

God some people!! So rude! Of course you deserved some time to yourselves. She knew what your stance was on helping him sleep, plus what his routine is. I’d have felt exactly the same as you. Mum guilt is bad enough without some bloody jumped up strangers telling you off!

Yeah same opinion as most. Did DH give instructions on routine? If so bad MIL if not bad DH.

Yes she sent messages saying he was still crying, i should have said that she sent those after my oh asked her how he was at that time.