AIBU? Advice needed on MIL!

[Nickname1234567]

Hello all.
Need some advice please!
On Saturday night OH made last minute plans to go out for the evening so i asked MIL to have my 1 year old. She had him over night. At 7.30pm OH had a fb message of her saying he was crying, and that she put him to bed & he was still crying, she sent mutiple other texts saying yes hes still crying does he allways do this? she eventually msged saying that she THINKS that he is asleep now!, then after OH msging back saying what do you mean think! and she said she checked and he was. This must have been 30-45 mins after she said she put him in there crying. The reason i am so pissed off is because, my son doesnt go to bed untill around 9.30pm at home, and he goes to bed when hes tired, he doesnt get put to bed to cry to sleep, ever. He had lots of naps that day so i know he wouldnt have been tired at that time and probably fell to sleep because of exhaustion of the constant crying. She text around 11pm saying he had woke up again, that would be because he went to bed to early when he napped most of the day due to him being grumpy and teething. She knew this btw!
She doesnt know i know what she did, but i seen the messages. Am i being unreasonable to be really annoyed and upset? All i can think about is my poor baby stuck in a dark room alone crying his eyes out whilst my MIL sat in the lounge. I dont want her having him over night anymore, she is my only means of babysitter but i would much rather not go out then to think my baby would be left in a room crying his eyes out to get him to sleep. I dont think she thinks that shes done wrong but i am mortified. I dont want her to have him over night anymore, but i also dont know whether to tell her why, because the messages were between her and OH. Advice please.

Surely she would know DH would share the messages she was sending with you. Bizzare her texting you both different things.
I wouldn't trust her and she doesn't communicate effectively what is going on when she has your son. I wouldn't leave him with her again while he is still so young.

sorry you sound like "hard work" either you drop him off and let her do things her way or you pick him up.
this faffing about makes my hair stand up on end.
go enjoy yourselves and leave her to it, the child is loved and was and will be fine.

Thank you blue09, i was just starting to think i was a terrible mother for just wanting one evening out! Its been so long since we have done so, its a very rare occasion.

Was she definitely sitting downstairs while the baby was crying upstairs? If so that’s not acceptable, she should have been comforting him. I wouldn’t leave my child with someone if he was left to cry.

I can’t blame her for assuming he should go to bed about 7.30-8pm though. 9.30 is far too late. If he cries when you put him to bed earlier then perhaps go to bed with him to help him get used to it.

Oh good god stop the drama OP!!

Nobody us bemoaning you a night out

Its the fact that mil sent multiple texts stating she had put him to bed early and that he was still crying. You chose to do nothing about it and stay on your much deserved night out. You gave her a grumoy teething baby who had napped loads in the day. How did you think the night would go?

Now you are whinging that mil did not look after him the way you wanted to. Solution dont ask her to babysit again.

Im not hard work at all, infact im usually very laid back, i allow her to do what she likes with him, she comes and takes him out all of the time on short notice also. It is just this incident that has upset me. I think communication could be much better, i would at least like a truthall update on how my son is whilst he is in her care, he is my baby and i would like her to just once tell me how he is whilst she is having him over, or to at the least just tell me the truth when i ask her how he is, not to message my DH what is going on and not me.

well he is her son, and if you read MN enough you'll know that the line of contact is mother to son and not directly to daugher in law.
and who the hell messages both parents who are out together??
you got told how he was while in her care, in bed (safely) crying (babies cry not a huge deal) sounds like the truth to me.
if you wanted to be first line of contact tell your husband to pass over the phone.

I think I’m as terrible a mother as you are OP
At the end of the day I don’t think you’re asking for much. If someone looks after my child I’d expect them to loosely follow what I would usually do and to let me know if my child wouldn’t settle in their care. I can’t see what the problem with that is so I’m with you!

I did not chose to do nothing about it, i didnt want to cause an argument as she was clearly very offended by the fact my OH had suggested that we were going to pick him up, i dont want to upset her, im not even moaning, i just wanted some advice from other moms as to how i should approach this situation. Obviously your opinion is to stop having her babysit, that is fine, thanks for the advice now please go away.

Yes, but he was crying for up to an hour (could have been longer) she left him crying for a long period, without comforting him or trying to establish what is wrong. Also when she knows that i do not use the controlled crying method or nor do i let him cry himself to sleep, she knows i do not like it and i have expressed my views on this with her, so i didnt expect her to do this, and as for messaging both parents, he messaged her to see wether he was ok firstly, she sent those messages which concerned me so i messaged her on my own phone to ask if he was ok and she messaged back that he was fine. Obviously he wasnt. She clearly doesnt want to tell me that.

You wanted her to mind the baby and respond to two sets of messages.

If you don’t think she is a good babysitter at nighttime then don’t ask her.
Get her to babysit during the day instead.

Nobody begrudges you a night out, but, being as it was something you could have done anytime, I wouldn't inflict a teething, grumpy little one on someone else. I think that might be the point. Maybe if you'd got tickets for something never to be repeated, but this sounds like it was a last minute nip to somewhere local for a meal. Which makes it an odd time to inflict a little one who isn't 100% on to someone else.
Then
You say 'he is my baby', but surely he is also your OH's baby ? He asked his Mum to look after the little one, why on earth would she then not speak to him, about his son ?

I have to say, I don't understand your OH's reaction. As a parent, if my babysitter FB messaged, or texted me whilst I was out, I'd have taken the phone outside / somewhere quiet and phoned the sitter !
By speaking to them, you get a better judge of if you can just suggest something to reassure them, or if you will be better abandoning your night out. I can't imagine receiving 'multiple texts' from my baby's sitter and not doing anything about it.

My sympathy here is all with your MiL.

but crying is fine. babies cry, i'm sure she checked the diaper and made sure he was fed and he was safe.

Come on Cosmic that's a bit naughty! I'm a bit sorry for MIL 😬 tbh. She did her best; so she must have been a bit concerned if she kept texting DH - but still at the end of the day, no harm was done. (I text both DS and DDIL). The baby was grumpy. It's in the nature of babies to be grumpy. It doesn't hurt to let them cry occasionally!

Also may i add that i did not go out drinking or partying untill all hours, i went out for a meal, and i would have went back to get him had she asked or even said that she didnt mind if we did, i did suggest that she could have him at my place and stay over if she wanted if it as we would be back at around 9.30pm but she insisted she definately wanted him to stay over and came over to get him. Its not as if i just landed him on her and said here have him im off out. It was around 3pm when she was asked if she wanted to have him whilst we went out for a meal on the evening, and oh even said that it was fine if she couldnt. She has had him stay plenty of times before and ive never heard her say to my oh or myself that he cried himself to sleep, she has allways said that she went to bed with him, i just feel like this really strange and out of the blue that she has let him scream out. She did once bring him back to me when he was very upset, i was fine with it. She knows i would be fine with going to get him if she couldnt cope, i dont know why she didnt just say, but even the suggestion that we was going to pick him up offended her, i dont want to upset her like i said. Its not that i dont like her, i love her, but i just dont agree with this at all and i am now questioning whether i should let her have him over night again as i really dont want my baby left in a room crying at a time he doesnt usually sleep at.

The thing is at home he doesnt get left to cry alone, he doesnt settle untill around 9pm and i lay with him untill he goes to sleep, my mil knows this, as i said i have only recently moved out of her place as we was living with her. I keep her updated all of the time on how he is etc. I was just upset with the fact she messaged my Oh and said that she put him in another room, he was crying, and then when he messaged back a little later to see how she was getting on with him she messages to say hes still crying, and then finally she says that he has went to sleep “she thinks” so obviously he was just left to cry and once he had stopped crying after an hour she just assumed he had gone to sleep, when my dh said what do you mean you THINK he is asleep she became annoyed with him. I just have this vision that she was in the lounge sitting on facebook whilst my 15 month old is crying his eyes out wanting to be comforted. I know that babies do cry, but i just dont understand why she would put him in a room alone to cry when she knows that it is way earlier than his bed time.

Why couldn't she come to yours to babysit?
She can't have known about your routine if she left the lo to cry - she probably thought they were crying for tiredness.

She was asked to come over and babysit for the few hours we was going to be out and was even offered to stay over but she said no she wanted to have him over at her place for the night. I text her before he went to tell her he had napped alot that day and was teething but she still wanted to have him anyway. She knows she could have said no if she thought it was going to be a struggle, she has allways said to me that she would say no to having him if she felt like she didnt feel up to it. She said she was missing him and wanted him regardless of him being grumpy and she would be fine. She has allways been the same, she wants him even when hes not well, but on this occasion it was just a bit strange as she has never done this before. She knows his bed time and she has never just put him to bed and let him cry before im not sure why she would for such a prolonged period.

Maybe i shouldnt be annoyed with my Mil about this but i just feel like on this occasion it was very out of character for her to put him in a separate room to cry for an hour even though she knows it isnt his bedtime, and sit in another room from him the whole time without checking to see how he was and when he did go quiet why didnt she just check to see if he was asleep rather then message my oh saying think hes asleep now because he had gone quiet. Its just strange because she has never done this before, when she has him over she usually goes to bed with him when he is tired. I think the suggestions are right that i should only have her babysit in the day from now on. I dont want to be upset or worried whilst he goes over night, as now i just dont want to be thinking about him crying alone in the bedroom whilst mil is in the lounge, it is just not the way i parent so i think i will just keep it to daytime from now on. Thanks for the comments.

Yes, you are right to be upset and no yo shouldn’t let him stay overnight again.

‘Why is a one year old going to bed so late at 9.30? My 7 year old doesn't go to bed that late!’

My eight year old goes to bed that late and always has done. Some children do. All children are different and anyway there is a massive difference between a 1 year old and a 7 year old.

I'm sorry but my belief is that if you leave your child with parents or in laws to babysit then they get to follow their rules on looking after them. If you trust them to look after your child in the first place then really you should leave them to it. And you know what - children adjust very quickly to different rules in different houses! My children always went to bed much earlier with in laws than they did at home and they adapted and have a great relationship with them. All your feelings about what your mother in law did are based on assumptions - neither of you has actually discussed the evening with your MIL by the sounds of it. Sounds like she put your child to bed early because he was already crying and possibly tired. If your baby is teething then he may have cried all night at home too!

But the grandparent left him to cry for a prolonged period of time without checking on him! That may have been the first time this ever happened to the child! Surely if the grandparent knew this was not something the OP does then it was the wrong approach for the child and is deeply disturbing for them.

I may have been a little unreasonable for thinking that Mil had done wrong, and i probably shouldnt have got so upset about the situation and i will probably just not mention to her that i was upset although i will most likely just keep to day time baby sitting from now on, saves the worry on my behalf, because as i said i dont really agree with her letting him cry alone for a prolonged period as that is not the way i do things at home. I dont have a problem with her having him in the day, but i think ill just save me from the anxiety and just keep it to days from now on.