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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you let 17-y-o son go on overseas trip alone with his girlfriend?

86 replies

Golgo13 · 10/03/2019 20:18

17 year old son has been making plans for the summer holidays, after Lower Sixth [year 12] and before Upper Sixth [year 13].
What started as a trip to France or Italy "with some mates" has become "just with girlfriend" - and he's asking for us to help out with costs.
The girl's mum has apparently given it the green light [I can check this] but wife and I are not comfortable with it.
He'll be 18 in November, so we might be being unreasonably pessimistic about his ability to take care of himself, but something doesn't feel right about letting an under-18 go off with under-18 girlfriend on an overseas trip...it's too much too soon
Compromise might be "if you can fund it, we won't stop you, because you'll be 18 within 3 months of the trip, but don't expect us to subsidise this"

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claraschu · 11/03/2019 07:36

My son went with his girlfriend at this age. We paid.
They had a great time and got a lot out of the trip. He had and has no sense of entitlement and has been incredibly hard working and independent since then.

Justonemorepancake · 11/03/2019 07:40

Well you can't stop him going on holiday with whom he pleases, nor sleeping with whom he pleases, but there's no reason you should be paying for it! I had my own flat (lodgings) by 17 and would go abroad with mates, but all paid for by my part-time job. If they're adult and mature enough for that then they're adult enough to save up for it.

Justonemorepancake · 11/03/2019 07:42

And far better/safer to be going abroad with a girlfriend than a group of mates.

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MyBreadIsEggy · 11/03/2019 07:44

Yes.
I’d let him go. He’s 17, not 7.
I’d be expecting him to pay for the bulk of the trip himself though, and would chuck some spending money in myself.
It’s what my parents did for me. I went on a big blow out holiday to Ibiza with a friend at 17. We paid for flights, hotel etc ourselves, saved most of our spending money ourselves, but then our parents gave us €100 each for spending money the morning we left
It was a brilliant holiday, and the fact that our parents trusted us enough to go meant a lot

cranstonmanor · 11/03/2019 08:09

He'll be 18 in November, so we might be being unreasonably pessimistic about his ability to take care of himself, but something doesn't feel right about letting an under-18 go off with under-18 girlfriend on an overseas trip...it's too much too soon

Your job as a parent is to prepare him for adulthood, which starts at 18. Better get a move on and teach him the gaps.

Loopytiles · 11/03/2019 08:11

I would agree. As they’re sexually active would discuss contraception/safer sex. I wouldn’t pay towards the trip.

sandgrown · 11/03/2019 08:20

My 17 year old wants to go to Spain with his mate in the Summer. I am very wary. I may give him a contribution but he is rubbish at saving so I doubt he will be able to afford it !

Twerking9til5 · 11/03/2019 08:24

Yes.

My 17 yo will do this with his gf after exams this summer.

They are both very sensible. They know how to get through an airport / catch trains.

I went abroad with friends at 16, and on my own to work at 18.

Do you not trust his abilities?

Soontobe60 · 11/03/2019 08:29

If he was going with his mates would you pay? If so, then the only reason you wouldn't pay if he was going with his girlfriend is because they would probably be having sex. They are probably doing that now anyway. And if he went with mates, he'd be doing it with lots of girls after drinking far too much alcohol. (Probably)
When my DD was his age, we paid half the cost of her holiday as she wasn't coming away with us that year. She paid the other half. She went with her boyfriend.

Twerking9til5 · 11/03/2019 08:29

Set him a target to save (my Ds has been working to save for this trip, but obviously can’t earn much. Plus I want him to have time for his studies) and then contribute.

Does he work hard at school?

This time is so heady for young people. They are under a lot of pressure at school, if you can suppprt him, give him a break!

Obviously don’t go into debt: if you can’t afford it you can’t.

PinkDrink · 11/03/2019 08:47

This issue came up in my house last year when dd and her bf were both 17. I wasn't happy about them going so far away as a first trip - felt it would be sensible to do a long weekend in the UK before going somewhere where they couldn't easily get home if anything went wrong - but didn't want to crush her youthful naivete optimism by listing what all those things might be. I went along the lines mentioned by pps, and said as they were still officially children they might find that they were challenged quite a lot for ID, wouldn't be able to drink and might find it difficult to get accommodation as unaccompanied minors. That totally put her off and undermined her confidence in the trip - as I knew it would if those things happened while she was away.

This year they're planning to go to Italy and France and really looking forward to it, having had a year of anticipation. Also, being 18 and having now got a bit of experience of going out drinking etc here, they're that bit more streetwise and mature.

DoctorDread · 11/03/2019 09:00

Blimey I went and spent the summer in Germany by myself at 15! It seems you're wrapping him in cotton wool and I think that's very unhealthy.

Downhillrider · 11/03/2019 09:13

Myself and my wife went abroad at that age although she did end up pregnant I would let them go if your worried have a chat with them

llangennith · 11/03/2019 09:56

Yes and I'd pay towards it too.

howhowhow · 11/03/2019 11:09

I think it's fine. Just make sure you have a proper chat about contraception with him (which it sounds like you already have). Don't forbid stuff like this or he will distance himself from you.

ChesterGreySideboard · 11/03/2019 12:48

The question of insurance is an interesting one.

AuntMarch · 11/03/2019 12:50

He could join the army and go on tour for goodness sake, of course he's old enough to go on holiday.

I probably wouldn't be paying for it though

downcasteyes · 11/03/2019 12:51

Being squeamish that they are sleeping together is locking the stable after the horse has bolted! They are 17!

The issue about entitlement is a genuine one. How about a compromise - a trip within the UK over a long weekend, rather than a week away abroad? It should be a fair bit cheaper, especially if they camp!

mindutopia · 11/03/2019 12:59

I think you need to work out what your concerns are and how to address these and then have an open conversation with him/both of them.

To answer your question though, assuming said dc was otherwise responsible and mature, yes, I would. I started uni at 17 and was living away completely on my own at that age. I also used to travel to stay with a boyfriend (6 hours from my family home) from 15 and would sometimes stay with him 2 weeks at a time in the summers. Fwiw, no, I didn't have sex with him until I was 18, despite 3 years of sleeping in the same bed on these trips.

Travel experience is very character building, particularly if you see him taking a gap year/doing any significant travel (somewhere less safe than Europe) once he's 18. Teens will have sex at home with you sleeping on the other side of the wall. They don't need an expensive European holiday to do that. I would just have a thoughtful conversation about safe sex and contraception with him well in advance, especially as they have been dating for 4 months, if you haven't already. A sensible conversation about cost and how he will afford it/budget spending money is also wise.

MiniMum97 · 11/03/2019 12:59

My son did it at 18 so I can't see the difference really. I have friends that moved out and lived alone at 16!! He's 17 ffs not 7. When is he going to learn the skills to manage alone in the big wide world unless you let him take some managed risks.

France or Italy is not far. Very worse case scenario you can get there is a few hours. Unlikely to need to though.

dreichuplands · 11/03/2019 13:00

By age 17 I was at Uni but my parents weren't paying for things, they didn't have the money to.
You can't stop him going, you can choose whether you want to give him any money to help.

ooooohbetty · 11/03/2019 13:05

I'd let him go but I wouldn't pay for it

MadAboutWands · 11/03/2019 13:09

I think it depend on what is their plan.
Aka is it a ‘we’ll see when we get there’ type of attitude or are they planning their trip well?
Is it all youth hostel stay or are they planning hotels too (in which case, will they be able to stay as under 18yo on their own)?
Are they planning to move around etc...

The issue you have is that he is very close to be 18yo. If you can’t tell him ‘No you can’t go’ in 3 months time and you wouod have to expect him to sort things out, why is itbthat you can’t do that now, just 3 months before his 18th birthday? What will change? (Access to money, being able to stay in hotels etc.. all good reasons to me).

The sleeping together I don’t think is a reason good enough. They clearly are already! Whether you (and your dw) wants to acknowledge it.

slappinthebass · 11/03/2019 13:09

I'd be happy to let them go. I would certainly not agree to fund it!

Wallsbangers · 11/03/2019 18:11

It's probably better than a lads trip to Faliraki doing shots out of a random lasses belly button and getting a tribal face tattoo.

I think you should probably have a chat with him about safety, sex and budgeting.

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