The work/mum balance guilt.

[SecretH]

Constantly feel guilty and like I've failed for my decision to work very part-time after having the DCs.
I work 2 days a week.
I initially returned to work on 3 days per week but found this very stressful in a very high demand career. I also became unmotivated after applying for several promotions and failing due to my "lack of hours."
I then branched off into a very focused sector of the work I do on much less hours and much less pay. But I am much happier.

However, I've always got the feeling that DH thinks I ought to be able to handle the DCs and full time working. Female Friends of his manage it and I feel I'm letting him down for not managing it too. To add to this, my FIL started talking about how he and MIL both managed to work fulltime with young DCs. I tried explaining that from a financial perspective this would not work for me as I would lose 1/3 of my pay to childcare costs. He then began to reel off all the things that the extra money of fulltime working would by us regardless of the increase in childcare costs. I said how I'd miss the DCs and he said "well my kids have done well and never felt bothered with us working FT."

I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. DH is not domesticated at all and I like a nice tidy home so it makes sense for me to work PT to save on the battles over it, or to save on my time at the weekends atleast. FIL knows how lazy he can be and I'm sure FIL did more of his fairshare than DH does.

I never feel guilty about the children because I get the quality time with them as my mother did with me- time I cherished even as a young child. It's this added expectation from DH and family that I feel from them to work fulltime... although never said outright. I feel guilty about finances. I'm not driven by money and feel we cope well, but DH and family are driven by finances and having the cash to afford big family abroad holidays around the world and big houses. I'm just not that bothered.

I work FT and feel that I still have plenty of time with dc. I think the default position should be for both partners to share the breadwinning/domestic load equally, unless they mutually agree to divide the work differently.

However, your problem is that your DH expects you to work FT and carry the domestic burden on top. That isn't fair. If he isn't prepared to pull his weight in the home, then there is no point in even having a conversation about you working FT.

As for your PIL, it's none of their sodding business!

Your FIL can fuck right off for a start. None of his biz. Tell him so! Fucking hell don't sit there and nod along just because he's older than you. Get up make a cuppa, change the subject, anything.

You feel like DH doesn't support you practically or emotionally. He sees himself as contributing a paycheque and nothing else and assumes you do too.

Your marriage has a rocky road ahead unless you can address this shit right now before it spirals. Just look at all the threads from women a few years ahead of you in the "focus on kids/house, resentful checked out DH, my career has died" type situations. Stop and think about what you're doing right now, to try and just make it through the week. Are you happy doing this for 52 more weeks? 520?

If you want different results, try something different.

I am happy with the balance now until DCs are at school, then I know I will be bored and am likely to increase to 4 days doing something else.

It's the implied pressure from DH and his family. My own mother didn't return to work at all until I was 5 and DB was 3. She ignited a successful career for herself when I turned 10. She thinks I do wonderfully going to work and being at home a lot for the DCs and tells me so. Its the comments from PILs about how they "managed it" and how they "could afford nice family holidays" that makes me feel as if it's assumed I'm not doing enough.

To add I also have a sideline which I do at the weekends making and selling, earning us an extra £50 or so a week. DH complains about this as he has to take care of the DCs for a few hours and he has said "what if I want to go and do my hobby on a Sunday morning?"

So it's an expectation to work during the week without scuppering DH's downtime at weekends.

It's a constant cloud of guilt above me for not doing enough, but nobody has ever directly said so.

What work/life balance do other women have?

The problem here is your DH and and FIL. Not you.

So it's an expectation to work during the week without scuppering DH's downtime at weekends

That’s kind of fair enough as he works full time. If he’s not pressuring you to work that sideline then why are you?

A 1/3 in childcare costs seems normal to me. Low even. I was spending over half in childcare as we had a nanny.

My balance is 4 days a week. We had a cleaner and nanny but I still did more at home. I’m currently on a career break and will go back 4 days a week.

I understand OP, it’s the way society is going now. ‘Feminism’ is supposed to be about having the ability to chose whether you want to stay home and raise children- or go out and work. But In reality it’s become almost socially unacceptable for a woman to prioritise family over career!

My DH is a high earner and we will shortly be TTC, I will go PT or stay at home FT (until they are at school) , it’s a condition of my having them and DH has happily agreed.

When people ask how we’ll balance kids/ work (both have stressful jobs) they look horrified when I tell them. ‘You can’t make going PT a condition of having children. 😲’

Why not?
It’s my body, either I have them the way I feel comfortable, or I don’t have them!

My mum had a stressful career as I grew up and her life was MISERABLE! The women in my office who work FT are MISERABLE! I’m forever hearing ‘DC is going to have to miss X club tonight as I simply won’t get this done in time’ or ‘I got 2 hours sleep last night and have to go into X meeting to present’

No thank you. I’d rather not have DC than live like that!

It’s interesting as I work full time and I feel like I get judged for that; people asking how I fit everything in and making a face when I say we use full time childcare.
I would prefer to work part time but for several complex reasons I’m stuck in this position for now. I feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water with everything.

I work FT now my DD is 8. I worked 3 days a week when she was 1 but stopped that after 9 months as it was too hard. I took a year and a bit off to be with her and then started working again 3 days a week and since last December I now work 5 days. The quilt is always there, however, I take her to school every morning and my DH collects her. I'm home just after 5pm every night. I work 5 days not because I want to, but because I have to. My DH looks after our DD and studies from home (we moved to mainland Europe a few years ago so he's approaching the end of his language exams which will finding work here much easier, Brexit and all that jazz). When he gets work, I will reduce my hours. In terms of household chores, we share them. It works for us, but it's all about finding balance, and ultimately, what works best for your children. On the flipside, we have neighbours, 2 kids under age of 6. They both work. Kids are in pre-school and after-school clubs. Every day of the week. That I would not want for my child.

Still can’t imagine this thread title would ever be seen the other way around - the work/dad balance guilt.

The way I see it, you are the power house of this family. You’re prioritising family needs, while keeping your career prospects and your mental health steady, in preparation for increasing your future earnings when it makes practical and financial sense, and using your time to bring in a little extra cash in top.

Sorry I meant to say 2/3 of my pay in childcare costs.

Fucking cheek. It's not easy is it? I worked all hours under the sun and felt like I was stretched to breaking point most of the time. Most of us do it because we have to, not because we want to.

My advice would be for you to do whatever is right for you and your immediate family unit. Because if the mother isn't happy, then that has a huge knock-on effect. Happy mum goes a long way towards happy kids and husband.

I work 4 long days. I used to work 5 but dropped down after my second baby. I would work less if I could afford it as I love being home with the kids and doing school runs but I do enjoy my job and wouldn't want to not work at all. I am lucky to work somewhere very flexible so can work at home and make some school events although def miss a few. Always feel guilty though. Not giving either work or my kids my 100% although do try.....and as for looking after me, well that got sacrificed a long time ago.

Thankyou Eva, your second paragraph makes me feel much better about it and makes a lot of sense.

I was thinking- it's actually quite sexist of FIL to expect such a lot of me. They clearly don't expect a lot from their son, as his housekeeping/domestic discipline was non-existant when we moved in together. He must KNOW that DH wouldnt do his fair share around the house... he has lived with him for 30 odd years afterall.

I wouldn’t worry about FIL but your DH’s feelings are important here. Did you agree as a family that PT was best or did you just unilaterally decide?

OP, you can never win on this one you will be always be judged by someone whether you work full time, part time or a SAHM.

Personally, both DH and I work full time, and I often get those "I couldn't leave my kids etc" comments from various people. That's fine, I do what works for us. I have vowed never to judge anyone for their work-life balance choices and I understand the pros and cons of all options. I just wish people wouldn't be so judgemental of other people's choices.

Forget your FIL, but you and DH do need to be on the same page here, you need to have a serious discussion if you think he is not happy with the current arrangement.

Your DH and in-laws have no right to make you feel this way and those sound like v insensutive comments from pil. All families have to manage different balances of work / childcare/ finances particularly when children are young, this might mean some compromises have to happen!! I wish people (men!) like your DH could grasp once and for all that running a household IS WORK, childcare, whilst it can be very fun, is WORK - the organisation, planning, budgeting, skill of parenting itself. I work 4 days and this works fairly well for us, i took a lower paid job because I wanted something I could leave on time and not be stressed about on my childcare day. This has meant DH has to stay in his job (higher earner) and when the children are older, I will look to return to something higher paid - that’s the balance. When we had similar issues I once showed him a good article about ‘the mental load’ (sorry can’t seem to link but google!)
which at least opened up a conversation about it, might help. And yes childcare costs are 4/5 of my pay (!) but we’re still better off financially and mentally and for our future with me working. Sounds like you are making a similar decision.

My pil both worked full time BUT they had an au pair (which gets forgotten!!) and also expectations around parenting were different - mil thought nothing of leaving them to cry at night, shoving them in a play pen to do chores, letting them watch hours of tv etc which a lot of parents would not find acceptable now.

Not sure if this will work:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

It should be a joint decision for one person to go part time. However, your biggest issues are that your DH seems to think you a responsible for all domestic chores - which shouldn't be the case. And that you seem to view childcare costs as your responsibility when they should be shared.

It's got nothing to do with your FIL.

It’s such a hard topic to discuss as everyone is so different and has different viewpoints. For me I didn’t go back to work until my first was in school (equivalent of year1)and my second was established in Montessori. I’m a full time teacher at the moment but my day finishes at 2.40 and I collect my DC at half 3 so it’s not a long day. BUT... I literally couldn’t have done it when they were older.

I think I might imply that DH feels he missed out as a child. That might discourage FIL. How are you getting into this type of conversation with him, or are you over sensitive to small comments.
Perhaps lay it on the line to DH at a time with no interruption - explain exactly why you do what you do and how you see the future work wise, include that he is not doing his share at home and that FIL winds you up and why. What does he have to say. Or has he explained exactly why he dislikes this arrangement.

I worked FT with both dc. I can see now I was stretched but at the time I was in it and just mucked on.

My dc are now 8 and 3 and our circumstances have changed. For the last 4 months I've been working while dh has been a SAHP. The fact I go off to work and worry about nothing domesticated is mind blowing 😂

Dh will start a new role soon and we have been discussing our options. I think I'm going to give up work for a while (generally it's very hard to get pt in my field, I will ask but expect it's a no).

Now my long rambling point is, if you need to work or want to then crack on. But if you actually don't want to then fuck well don't and ignore your PIL!

The real issue here is your DH.
It's not unreasonable of him to want you to work more and have more money.
It's very unreasonable however to expect you to do all that,pay for all the childcare and do all the domestic work and looking after the kids.
He can't have it both ways so it should be him that feels guilty,not you.

Stop thinking of childcare taking 2/3 of your salary. If you pay for childcare it's a household expense, it's shared between you and the father of the children. It may all be coming out of the same pot, but it's a perception thing. If it 'comes out' of your salary then the perception is that childcare is primarily your role, and it's up to you to earn enough to pay for it if you're not going to do it yourself.

I think you need to work out for yourself what you want - if that's FT, PT & what level of PT. One thing is true, if you are working in paid employment, then you should not shoulder 100% of the domestic burden.

Cut the in-laws out, it's nothing to do with them. The one you need to be discussing it with is your husband. And you're going to need to get yourself a thicker skin.

YY the PP saying that no-one ever hears men agonising over 'working-dad guilt'.

Some women can't sleep at night without knowing they have sufficient financial independence to provide a secure home and upbringing without their partner, if they had to.

Some women don't worry about that too much.

You need to decide which you are (there's no right or wrong answer) and take it from there.

Of course its hard to reconcile spending less time with your kids with spending more time in a job you don't sound enthusiastic about. But its a bit more complex than that.

(And school is no magic solution to working full time. Lots of working parents still spend thousands of pounds a year on wrap around and holiday childcare for school).

I work full time with kids and don't feel stressed, but bugger me if I'm doing all the housework, 50/50, that's the only way it can work.