The work/mum balance guilt.

[SecretH]

Constantly feel guilty and like I've failed for my decision to work very part-time after having the DCs.
I work 2 days a week.
I initially returned to work on 3 days per week but found this very stressful in a very high demand career. I also became unmotivated after applying for several promotions and failing due to my "lack of hours."
I then branched off into a very focused sector of the work I do on much less hours and much less pay. But I am much happier.

However, I've always got the feeling that DH thinks I ought to be able to handle the DCs and full time working. Female Friends of his manage it and I feel I'm letting him down for not managing it too. To add to this, my FIL started talking about how he and MIL both managed to work fulltime with young DCs. I tried explaining that from a financial perspective this would not work for me as I would lose 1/3 of my pay to childcare costs. He then began to reel off all the things that the extra money of fulltime working would by us regardless of the increase in childcare costs. I said how I'd miss the DCs and he said "well my kids have done well and never felt bothered with us working FT."

I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. DH is not domesticated at all and I like a nice tidy home so it makes sense for me to work PT to save on the battles over it, or to save on my time at the weekends atleast. FIL knows how lazy he can be and I'm sure FIL did more of his fairshare than DH does.

I never feel guilty about the children because I get the quality time with them as my mother did with me- time I cherished even as a young child. It's this added expectation from DH and family that I feel from them to work fulltime... although never said outright. I feel guilty about finances. I'm not driven by money and feel we cope well, but DH and family are driven by finances and having the cash to afford big family abroad holidays around the world and big houses. I'm just not that bothered.

driven by finances and having the cash to afford big family abroad holidays around the world and big houses
Bet your preschoolers would prefer seeing more of you year round than the amazing holidays/big houses

I work 3 days per week but with work commute and pick ups it ends up being I'm out from 7.30am till 6pm at the earliest. I would not do this 5 days per week unless I had to. We still have nice car holidays etc so there's no need for me to work more.

Your in laws have absolutely no business to be giving their opinion. Your husband should be backing u up. If I were you I would not bite my tongue. I would say well that was what you chose to do but I'd prefer to be there for my kids more while keeping my job that I can return to full time when I feel ready. Keep repeating it till they get fed up!

As for what we do, I obv do more of the childcare as in here 2 full days extra that he works. I do most of the washings, shopping and cooking but we pretty much share chores and time with our toddler.

Your dh moaning about looking after the kids would really piss me off they are his too and he needs to do his share!

Your DH needs to step in and tell your FIL to back off and keep his opinions to himself. If you're happy with the balance, and your DH is happy then don't worry what anyone else says.

I do some very part time work which is flexible and so I can do it school hours term time only. I'm earning very little but generally fairly happy with work - child balance. Husband works long and unpredictable hours, we live rurally and no local family to help so I would really struggle to hold down a full on non flexible job. So many jobs involve travelling or early/late meetings etc it's not easy to make it work round formal childcare unless you earn enough for a nanny. It is frustrating that my already small earnings are swallowed up by childcare costs but I will stick it out until the younger one gets his funding as working is good for my sanity and self esteem. Husband doesn't care whether I work or not as long as it doesn't affect him eg he wouldn't want me to work at weekends because he doesn't want to do childcare on his weekends - so this is a bit similar to your situation. He doesn't seem to think I should be contributing financially though.

Thankyou for the responses. I think the set-up we have now works well. I definitely could not work FT when much of the mental load is left to me in addition to most of the domestic work. We tried for a time splitting the tasks but DH wouldn't do his share. It made life miserable.

The only issue is that I'm not sure DH agrees with it and I think he wishes I worked full time for financial reasons. On speaking to him once about what would happen if I worked FT, I asked if he would be happy to spend half a day of his weekend cleaning/doing housework tasks and he said "no." I asked if he would be willing to pay a cleaner and he said he would but wouldn't be happy about it.

I also want to be the one looking after DCs the majority of the time whilst they are young, I wouldn't want them to spend most of their week in childcare. Absolutely do not judge people who do this, but it just wouldn't work for me.

Also, to add, when I did return to work originally on 3 days, DS1 got so sick from bugs at nursery that I spent much of my time off work looking after him in the first year. DH wasn't happy about taking the time off equally, so I took it. Naturally, my managers became frustrated and my value as an employee seemed to diminish. Has DH really left me with much choice other than to work very part-time for less pay? My hours now are flexible so sick days can actually be avoided in my current role. I'd never really thought of it like this before.

I work two full days and two short days, Fridays off. So I do 2 school mornings and 3 school pickups. Crucially Dh does his fair share if not more of childcare runs, my two full days he cooks. We have a cleaner this works for me, I earn enough to justify the cleaner, who in turn makes our lives 100x more chilled out.

If it's feasible I would recommend the shorter days, it's not cost effective when they're in nursery but it works well with school and you feel simultaneously involved at work and at home.

Sorry OP but your 'D'H sounds like a bit of a dick. How dare he refuse to do household chores. He lives there too therefore should contribute equally. What makes him so special?

I really, really hate misogynistic attitudes like this.

He doesnt see the need to clean and says so himself. Also wouldn't bother with sorting through wardrobes for clothes they have outgrown and that sort of thing. A disorganised home isn't good for my mental health though.

Mine doesn't see the need for cleaning either!

Well, quite frankly you could manage FT hours if you wanted to (many people do) but the key is that you don't want to do that, for perfectly good reasons! I could run a marathon if I wanted to, but I absolutely do not want to try to ignore FIL etc, it's none of their business, just smile and nod and have some prepared topics to move the conversation on if they start on your work hours. DH is another issue..

He doesn't need to clean because someone has always done it for him. He needs clean clothes, clean dishes etc. Or does he think the magic cleaning fairy does those things?