Can't get good latch with baby and I'm starting to resent him more after each feed

[cornyunicorn]

I don't really know what I'm trying to achieve with this thread... Maybe commiserating with others in this boat... Maybe I just need to tell someone other than my husband who is stressed enough as it it... But I feel like I'm at the end of my tether yet still can't bring myself to use formula, or pump, because I have plenty of milk and I had been looking forward to breastfeeding from early in my pregnancy.
My body has always let me down, ever since I was young - I was crap at sports and other physical activities, I was always a bit flabby with no attractive body parts (my face looks OK with makeup on, that's about it),I've got hormonal issues and very small boobs, but I was ready to put all that aside because I knew once I had a child my body would do what it was designed to - birth and feed my baby...
So my birth didn't quite work out, I had a caesarean as labour didn't start naturally, but I didn't even care as much about that because I was excited to breastfeed.
And now that is also just going to sh*t (excuse the language) because we simply can't get a good latch. Yes I have watched loads of videos, seen multiple professionals, all that, we got a good latch precisely TWICE both times with a BF consultant and I just can't recreate it myself at home. I feel like a huge failure... Why can't I and my baby just manage this supposedly so natural thing? The one thing I still had faith in my useless body to do? I see all the new mums around me doing it with no problems yet I'm now pretty much hating every feed because I'm reminded of my failure (if nothing else, the nipple pain reminds me) and I get angry with my baby when he STILL won't stay on as he should even if I manage to shove him onto the boob well enough. People say oh he'll grow and it'll get better but I've trawled lots of forums and funnily enough nobody ever said it actually did get better for them after such problems starting out.
I can't bring myself to give up, as that might break me even more, but this is no way to live either. I don't know what to do. :(

It's going to be ok op

I had problems with latch with my first...still have scars to prove it! She fed until she was 2 when her sister was born who fed until she was nearly 2 currently still feeding number baby 3.

What is happening when you feed?

First of all, you grew a human so your body is amazing. Secondly others are probably not doing it with "no problems". It is really hard, eapecially after having a c section (I know from experience). Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. Do whatever you need to do for you both to be happy anf enjoy being a mum!!

How old is your baby op?

Breastfeeding can be so difficult OP. My baby struggled to latch also. We tried nipple shields and they worked great. I warned him off the nipple shields after that but they definitely helped. His latch was great

Weaned not warned

Can I ask you to think a moment are you always this harsh about yourself or is this worse than normal?
I expect you are exhausted and hormonal so it has exasperated underlying self esteem issues, when you are ready please do something about this CBT really helped me.

I’m having this exact same problem at the moment - I have my second meeting with the breast feeding consultant this morning and hoping it goes well as I really feel like giving up. He latched fine with her the first time though but like you haven’t been able to recreate it by myself.
How old is your baby? Mine is 2 weeks and after midwives advice I’ve had to give formula as he was not drinking anything and lost a lot of weight. Worried we will never get the hang of breast feeding and it’s really getting me down.

I can't really advise on the latch, I've only had the one and we sort of got there in the end without real problems but I can recommend you looking for a breast feeding group in the area. I went to a drop in cafe. It was great to meet new mums but also a place I could complain and always feel supported and got some great suggestions with anything I was struggling with. Also have you had your baby checked for tongue tie- a lot of latch problems seem to come down to that.

You are being very critical and harsh with yourself as well as putting too many expectations on yourself.

Bf may be natural but that doesn’t mean it is easy or uncomplicated. My DD didn’t manage to latch on properly till 9 weeks old (the exaggerated latch helped a lot but for a couple of weeks I had to keep taking her off, correcting the latch and latching her on again, which was hard work) and I still went on to have mastitis, nipple blisters, cluster feeding from hell, etc.

I think you might need some general support to reset how you think of your body and what you expect from it. Perhaps your HV can suggest someone to help? As for bf do it if you want to, or mix feed or ff, it’s just a way of feeding a baby, not a test.

OP I could have written a very similar post to you when my now 3.5 year old was a baby.

I struggled on through 6 months of breastfeeding (we were actually doing combined feeding, but I was putting her on the breast first for every feed), despite it being excruciatingly painful each time. Despite being checked for latch, tongue-tie etc, somehow it never quite clicked. She never latched properly, and would doze off on each feed, so would take forever to get what seemed like a miniscule amount of my milk, then guzzle ounces of formula in seconds afterwards.

It turned out that she is massively hypermobile, and it is highly likely she just didn't have the strength in her jaw to achieve a good enough latch for bf. Nothing either of us could have done about that.

I''m not saying that will be the case for you, but I wanted to tell you about us as an eg, just in case there is something beyond your control that is in the mix here. Also, you will see on a lot of bf threads on here that it is relatively common to have persistent issues bfing one child, but to be fine with another one. Who knows why, but it happens.

Please don't beat yourself up, or resent your son for this. You are both trying your best. Bf is hard for a lot of mums and babies. I hope you eventually crack it together, but if you don't, your baby will also thrive on formula. It's hard when you are in the middle of it, and it has been drummed into you that bf is the be-all-and-end-all, but the vast majority of mothers will tell you, a little way down the line, that it really isn't. It's no reflection on either of you if it doesn't work perfectly. Many, many mothers and babies find it hard. If it becomes too hard, and you can't sort it, and is making you too miserable, formula is fine. One way or another it will work out.

There are lots of reasons you may be struggling with the latch, one of which could be tongue tie. Have a read of the article and see what you think.

You are also being very critical of yourself, I think you may need to tell your HV how you're feeling and ask for some additional support

Op, I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but if you're struggling with breastfeeding so much it's making you this unhappy I would try formula feeding.

I couldn't breastfeed so my son had formula from birth and has been a happy healthy baby. It's also meant my husband has been able to help with the night feeds etc. He's 15 months now so no more night feeds but I have no regrets whatsoever about using formula. It worked for us as a family.

Do what you have to do

I don't have much advise about the latch. Ds1 never latched correctly. Breastfeeding consultants couldn't fathom as to why, said everything I was doing was right, he just would not latch. I ended up pump feeding until he was 6 months. Ds2, I had amazing support from my midwife and got him to latch eventually and fed him until 4 months before my milk supply vanished after him being ill and not feeding as much. Breastfeeding even when you eat it right it can go wrong. And there's not much help out there even when they push to breastfeeding onto mother's. They say everyone can breastfeed. But that's not true. Every situation is different. Please don't be so hard on Yourself. All you can do is try your best. And it sounds like that's exactly what you are doing. You are not a failure at all. Have you tried the lanisoh nipple cream to help with the Pain?. Was a god send with ds1 trying to latch.

Thank you for all your comments...
He is 7 weeks old. He had a tongue tie but that got sorted 5 weeks ago and got checked recently, no further issues there. He's gaining weight well so health professionals aren't worried, but he swallows a lot of air causing discomfort for him after feeds, and causes me pain from the gumming! :(
I've been to a BF cafe thing, same happened the lady got a nice latch with him but I couldn't myself. It's an awful feeling. Clearly my baby can do it somehow, if not easily, but I don't know how to achieve it.

Btw I don't have self esteem issues, I used to in my teens like we all do but thankfully got over it pretty quickly and am otherwise happy with my imperfect useless body, it's just this situation that's causing me to hate it now. Thrush, cracked nipples, pain and leaking everywhere 24/7... Not fun.

I understand if many mums feel BF isn't the be all and end all... And I agree in cases where there isn't enough milk to give or baby has physical issues preventing them from feeding, but to me it IS for some strange reason very important and something that I am fighting for, although I'm running out of ideas at this point :(

Agree with above poster too. Formula is not bad! It's specially made for babies. You've tried so hard op. Do not feel bad for giving formula. You may feel bad for a few days. But you will see how much better it is for you both and your happiness and your bond will not change, if your struggling to breastfeed formula will relieve that and give you a better outlook other than stress as a mother to your baby.

Keep going back to the cafe. Every time its on! They won't mind helping you each time and eventually it might just happen for you.

It might also be worth talking all of this through with a BFC on one of the Helplines. Even if you do decide to stop BFing and switch, they can suggest a way of doing this that reduces your risk of mastitis and eases baby through the transition

I met some of the ladies who run a breastfeeding group at a pregnancy thing recently and they suggested that there are various different groups in the area and so if I was struggling, go to all of them so i could practice every day - is this something you can do?

Could have written this post myself many years ago!!

I changed to formula because I felt the need to give him nutrition and DH was at the end of his tether with lack of sleep.

He's now 15, 6ft 3inc, rugby playing gorgeous boy who will probs get all 8s and 9s at GCSE!!

It's a small part of your parenting journey. Ease up on yourself

OP I had this problem with my 3rd baby. In the end I borrowed an electric breast pump from the NCT for £1 a day (might have gone up as it was 17 years ago! Or you might even be able to buy really good ones now or I've heard of borrowing from nhs) and bottle fed her my milk. It was fine, she's fab, no trauma or drama! You have to do what's right for you & your baby & your relationship with him

Basically it's your pride talking. And I sympathise cos I was there myself. I couldn't give myself permission to stop. Eventually a GP told me I had to put him on formula because of protein intolerance and I almost wept with relief. Cos the decision had been taken out of my hands. I found it impossible to make the decision to stop, even though it was obvious something was wrong.

Even so that first week of formula I felt like such a failure. As if it was my fault!

But funnily enough by the second week my life was looking up and my guilt evaporated. The baby was happier, I was happier.... I started to feel hopeful.

If your baby won't latch after doing the whole hamburger squish thing, then it's just not gonna really happen. And it's not your fault. Maybe if you have a second your experience will be very different. But this is your situation now, and once resentment to a baby comes in the front door, your pride has to go out the back door.

If you've tried everything but formula, then you owe it to your parenting relationship to try that now.

It is a bit of a flag to start your post with a huge rant about how useless your body is, honestly. It suggests that you may be attaching WAY more pressure, significance and stress into this situation than is normal.

So firstly, can you try to take a step back emotionally and see it more calmly? Breastfeeding rates are very low for a number of reasons but a big one of these is it is HARD!!!

I was so lucky they'd just started a trial project in our area of daily BF counselling home visits until you were established. I'd never have managed without that.

I second the suggestion to research a list of all the baby / breastfeeding groups available in your area and go to as many as you can. Local Facebook groups can be great if you can find some - look for breastfeeding, attachment parenting, babywearing, sling meets, baby sensory, baby groups, baby massage.

But mostly, please try to relax it's not your fault - you are not useless, your body is not useless.

What's happening when he latches? If he's gaining weight then he's clearly getting enough milk.
I can't remember which but one of mine was on off a lot, I'm sure that age is peak for colic so he could have a perfect latch and still be windy.

I'd like to disagree with you about the self esteem, maybe it's not that word exactly but when you say "my imperfect useless body" that sounds to me like you have issues with your body. CBT teaches you to counter this by asking things like why is it imperfect & useless, so you might answer because I didn't deliver naturally, so then you question yourself further so all women that don't deliver naturally have useless/imperfect bodies. I gets you to catch stupid thoughts and eliminate or counter them.

When I was struggling to feed my first I would being saying to myself how useless I was and what a terrible mother I was, how I was a failure.

I've had CBT in between the baby No1 & No3 who had tongue tie so struggled to latch and when I was trying to get his latch sorted not once did it enter my head that I was useless, the difference it makes is amazing.

I breastfed my 1st baby and I enjoyed the whole experience so much that when I had my second baby I planned to do exactly the same and unfortunately it did not work out.

After beating myself up and feeling like a failure i ended up putting my 2nd baby on formula and it was the best thing i could have done.

Turns out it wasn't me doing anything wrong she is just a fussier baby and even messed about with formula, not just my breastmilk

Also with my 2nd baby I suffered postnatal depression and felt useless and like I could not bond. My experience was so different with each.

My little one is now 6 months old and I can tell you it does get better. Don't beat yourself up and do what feels right.

The best advice I can give is not to dwell and move forward, your baby loves you and your the only mummy he has.

You are doing a fabulous job.. believe that

OP I’ve breastfed 2 tongue tie babies (am literally feeding one right now!). I see it’s only been a couple of weeks since the tongue tie was corrected so just to reassure you, it does take time for them to “re-learn” how to feed properly, especially as the wound is still healing so they can be a bit cautious about moving their tongue fully. As part of our aftercare we were encouraged to go back to the bf group at least twice for ongoing support. DC2 is now 4mo and those difficult first weeks are well behind us but the snip is just part of the process.

Having said all that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with introducing a bottle (either expresses milk or formula) to take some of the pressure off - the main thing is that the baby is fed and you take care of your own health.

I know from my own experience how hard it is, you’re doing so well!