Can't get good latch with baby and I'm starting to resent him more after each feed

[cornyunicorn]

I don't really know what I'm trying to achieve with this thread... Maybe commiserating with others in this boat... Maybe I just need to tell someone other than my husband who is stressed enough as it it... But I feel like I'm at the end of my tether yet still can't bring myself to use formula, or pump, because I have plenty of milk and I had been looking forward to breastfeeding from early in my pregnancy.
My body has always let me down, ever since I was young - I was crap at sports and other physical activities, I was always a bit flabby with no attractive body parts (my face looks OK with makeup on, that's about it),I've got hormonal issues and very small boobs, but I was ready to put all that aside because I knew once I had a child my body would do what it was designed to - birth and feed my baby...
So my birth didn't quite work out, I had a caesarean as labour didn't start naturally, but I didn't even care as much about that because I was excited to breastfeed.
And now that is also just going to sh*t (excuse the language) because we simply can't get a good latch. Yes I have watched loads of videos, seen multiple professionals, all that, we got a good latch precisely TWICE both times with a BF consultant and I just can't recreate it myself at home. I feel like a huge failure... Why can't I and my baby just manage this supposedly so natural thing? The one thing I still had faith in my useless body to do? I see all the new mums around me doing it with no problems yet I'm now pretty much hating every feed because I'm reminded of my failure (if nothing else, the nipple pain reminds me) and I get angry with my baby when he STILL won't stay on as he should even if I manage to shove him onto the boob well enough. People say oh he'll grow and it'll get better but I've trawled lots of forums and funnily enough nobody ever said it actually did get better for them after such problems starting out.
I can't bring myself to give up, as that might break me even more, but this is no way to live either. I don't know what to do. :(

I've been there, OP. Don't beat yourself up over it. Have you tried just reclining with LO one your chest, naked from the waist up and letting him have a go? That sometimes worked with DD.

My baby has a suckling latch, rather than a textbook one, but she doesn't fall off and gets enough milk because I have a good supply. It didn't cause me lots of pain either, though was mildly uncomfortable in the beginning. I'm not convinced that the best way is the only way, and would say don't obsess about perfect if you find good enough.

Keep going to see people for support. There are lots of YouTube videos out there you can watch and try with too. I'd also make sure you use a high nursing pillow so positioning is easier. Have you tried rugby and cradle holds?

My second baby couldn't latch on and I was in shock. I thought they all came out knowing what to do. I cried each feed with the pain, I cried after the feed because of the pain and then I cried in between feeds at anticipation of the next feed.

It got better, the blisters go, Savoy cabbage and lanolin helped heal me and the baby and I learnt what to do.

You can do this, keep insisting on seeing health professionals and be consultants. You can do it. It's not you.

It took me (and ds!) until 8-9 weeks for it all to suddenly click into place and feel right. I found MN around at 6 weeks (in 2004!) and was recommended Lansinoh which was less well known at the time, it was a life saver for cracked nipples (keeps them moist for wet healing so you don't have to endure the tear inducing scabs cracking each time you feed).

What is happening is you here, is like many mums, you are having a hard time establishing bf. For most its not the comes naturally beautiful thing you see in the leaflets and if you baby is thriving you are probably doing much better than you think. You know deep down logically it is nothing to do with you being crap at sports or only looking good with make on, but your hormones and exhaustion are exacerbating existing insecurities.

It sounds like you want to keep going (nothing wrong if you couldn't and switched to ff), if you can keep going to the bf cafes and getting the support you need and more importantly take care of yourself.

Don't do anything other than take care of yourself for the next few weeks, sleep whenever you can, eat well (quality not quantity), get fresh air if possible and make sure your dh is onboard with helping you not be so exhausted that it continues to be too much. Regardless of how stressed he is he can do the shopping, cleaning etc for a while until you get there.

I can remember dh once trying to be supportive and telling me around 6-7 weeks to just ff and stop doing it to myself if it was so hard, he had no idea how hurtful it was him saying give up was when I needed him to be encouraging me to keep going until I told him. Talk to your dh and tell him what you need, he needs to step up here until its sorted.

OP, I’ve also had two tongue tied babies, one wasn’t snipped until 10wks and second at 5wks. Neither were ever great feeders and I had various problems getting my breasts drained properly. But somehow we muddled through and I fed my first until she was 2.5yrs. 7 wks is still very early - my second is 20 weeks now and it’s only now we are getting the hang of it together a bit more. That said, I have to unlatch and relatch her multiple times which is a PITA. But many times (more when she is sleepy) we get a comfy wide latch, which she absolutely could not manage at 7wks. Like you I have despaired at why iit is so challenging. It’s really not your fault. Breastfeeding is a shared skill for you both to learn and I’m sure the videos have helped but it’s hard to control how fast baby learns. You’ve seen professionals so I’m assuming you’ve tried laid back feeding? I struggled to get the hang of this first time but it’s been a big help this time, as baby has to really tip their head back to latch on, which helps achieve a wide latch and good angle. It helps you relax too which is important. A bf person helped me by observing when I was trying laid back feeding, I was ina huge hurry to get baby on, as I didn’t like her crying and getting frustrated, but she said just to calmly get the setup right and relax, baby can handle waiting a few moments. It may even help them be motivated to open wider. Also you probably have, but google the flipple technique if you haven’t.

And lastly, I understand being unwilling to give formula. You wouldn’t believe what I endured with my first and you couldn’t have paid me to use formula. However in the last couple months I really considered it as having mastitis and repeated blocked ducts was having such an impact on my mh and my whole family. In a way, I think making a decision that I would try formula soon helped me to relax and let go a bit, of that makes sense. As first time parents we spend many months having to deal with the reality versus the imagined parenting experience we expected before baby came. You imagined something very different to this, but here you are. It’s normal that it’s so different to what you expected. Your body isn’t a failure and neither are you.

Sorry that’s such an essay! Hope you’re feeling a bit better tonight.

It really will get better. I pumped for the first 6 weeks til I was sane enough to master breastfeeding. Been feeding almost 6 months. If you're producing well get yourself 2 x naturebonds off Amazon they changed my life when I was expressing xxx

OP who checked your baby's tongue tie was sorted, and how did they check? Did they just look or did they put a finger in baby's mouth to have a feel?

I ask because my DS had a tongue tie that was missed to begin with and cut at 7 weeks. I continued to have pain and to struggle with latch and bleeding nipples. I was sent to a breastfeeding specialist who told me to try a position that I absolutely hated and that made me feel immediately like I was failing because I could not do it comfortably. I battled on until my son was 5.5 months old (yep... nearly half a year) when I got referred back to a tongue tie specialist. And guess what? He still had a partial tongue tie. They cut it again and after that I was much more comfortable and fed him till 17 months (although I still bled occasionally for a while - I think the damage had been done).

Ask to see a tongue tie specialist again, if at all possible. I also paid a private lactation consultant the first time round, who diagnosed the tongue tie. I got her name from the Lactation Consultants of Great Britain website.

I identify a lot with all the negative feelings you are having about your body. I had similar. I did overcome it eventually. Please remember it is not your fault, and it's not the baby's fault either. You guys are both doing your best.

If your baby’s gaining weight you’re already doing something amazing.
The first weeks are crazily hard.
My son had a horrible latch. Apparently it’s normal after c section.
What saved me were nipple shields and time. At 8 weeks it suddenly started working.
I thought I was doing something wrong but I came to realise that he just couldn’t get it right and he needed time to learn.

Another vote for nipple shields. Desperately wanted to BF, but only managed it with DC3!!! Nipple Shields were the difference!

I had exactly these thoughts. Breast feeding was so important to me, I felt like a failure to not be able to do this right and for my baby, I was absolutely gutted to realise I had to give up.
But once we started FF it was a huge weight off me and I realised I had been wasting those precious early weeks fixating on a negative rather than enjoying my tiny baby.
On hindsight now with space, I realise how you feed your baby in the first six months is such a tiny part of caring for them and is not a big deal.
It's so hard when you are right in the thick of all those emotions, try not to loose sight of the big picture, you can tell you're a great mum by how much you care X

Btw didn't mean you should give up, just to know if it doesn't work out it's not the end of the world xx

I know it might not feel like it now, but feeding your baby is such a tiny part about being a mum. All those other things you are doing, changing nappies, bathing him, talking to him, loving him - they are more important really than what milk goes in his tummy.

You may well both get the hang of this breastfeeding lark, but honestly and truly, it's not worth spoiling the first few weeks of motherhood for if it doesn't work out.

Don't beat yourself up OP.

DD and I had a very rocky start to BF, to the extent she was readmitted to hospital due to not gaining weight.

At 7 weeks we were still struggling for a good latch but shortly after that it just very quickly got easier.

I'm still BF DD nearly 2 years down the line.

If, as you say, your baby's weight gain is good then the latch must be effective enough.

I would consider paying a BF consultant to see you at home. That way they could help you find comfortable feeding positions on your own furniture with your cushions etc.