Lost mum friend - advice please

[Mamawingingit1234]

This has been bugging me for awhile and I flip between thinking it’s fine and being quite upset by it.

I live in a small community and made what I thought was good friends with 2 girls, one next door and the other a few doors over. We all really bonded when we found out we were expecting with in months of each other. Went to prenatal yoga classes, baby play dates so on. Fast forward when the kids were approx 18 months and my LO got a bit “terrible twos” and would often hit out and it was mainly the one child we saw the most our next door neighbour. Please don’t get me wrong, I do not condone hitting and I always told her off but everything I’ve read said most children go through this phase. The child in question was rarely upset when it did happen (and not that I’m excusing it just trying to paint a picture).
Unfortunately she was a toad for while, so fast forward a few months and we just don’t see them anymore. A few messages were sent and any attempts to arrange a catch up were side stepped or oh we’re busy etc etc. Que accidental meet in soft play when we were with the other mum and after I said I haven’t seen you in ages she said “yeah “her LO” just didn’t want to see “my LO”” I was a bit taken back and didn’t say anything but it’s really upset. It was almost a throw away comment.

Now I feel there is a weird atmosphere which is horrible since we literally share a wall, no intention on moving and the kids will be in the same class.

Play dates and group play dates are arranged with the other kids in our tiny community without my LO being invited.

I don’t know how to handle it. I know I need to teach her (and myself) that not everyone is going to like you and that’s fine but it feels quite hard as we were close.

Advice please?

can you arrange playdates and invite the other children and her LO when you're sure of your LO not hitting?

Just want to disagree with your assertion that most dc go through a phase of lashing out at others. No they don't. None of my 3 did. Nor did most of my friends dc. There was always one in every toddler group and everyone hated having them there.

Yes, good idea. I’ve done a few, Halloween and new year had little parties and it’s mostly been a success but not really changed the relationship. I also don’t always know when DD is going lash out, it got so much better for awhile but recently it’s bad again. Almost coinciding with her brother crawling and interacting more. It seems to be a frustration and get out of my space issue. And really only with kids her own age/size. She’s adorable with babies and LOVES older kids (especially her 9yr old cousin)

That’s a bit weird re hitting. None of my dd did that. I would be ofif a kid hit my dd tbh. Maybe I’m being unreasonable but I would.

@talktoo That’s very helpful. Thank you

I can kinda see why the mum wouldn't want to meet up if your child keeps hitting theirs. I know at that age it can be extremely difficult to stop them doing things but if it happens a lot then I think I'd want to back off a bit too.

I wouldn't meet a friend whose little one hit mine. Also how did you reprimand her? Was it a sappy 'oh that's not nice say sorry' or did you cut the outing short?

My children never hit anyone so its not a phase they all go through, however I'd be more forgiving if the offending child was parented effectively.

Unfortunately my DD is hitting/pushing. It’s not just walking up and hitting. It’s in reaction to a toy being taken off her, being yelled at by another kid, someone running into her and so on. It’s almost like she can handle her emotions and reacts. And yes I can see why other mums would be a bit off with a kids that hits when yours never did but the kid in question has quite frequently lashed out with my DD and others.

Most parent probably say this by 80% of the time she’s great, it’s just that horrible 20% I’m desperately trying to deal with

I had a similar situation years ago. My DS was the one being hit and I backed off massively, made new friends for him to play with, and found parents that I had more similar parenting styles to.

Not all toddlers go through this by any means. Usually the parents excuse it as a phase/their age/blame everyone else for the incident.

What do you do when she did it OP?

It's hard, you thought you had a friendship but if she's just cut you like that without a conversation it isn't what you thought it was

Ha ha. Case in point!

Friend excused the behaviour saying other child was in their space, took their toy, hits too etc.

My DS wasn't bothered by it so much but I was. Strangely I didn't have this problem with anyone else, so I hung out with them and he had more positive friendship experiences.

It would depend on what happened tbh. I did seem to be the strictest parent in what was our little group. I do cut play dates short and go home, we do time outs and when home talk about what happened. It’s definitely not just swept under the rug with a “oh darling, use your gentle hands”. It is getting better as she understands more despite the slight regression. On the other hand she is also the politest child in the old group and was usually the best at sharing. For example if someone was crying she’d want to go over and see if they were ok and try to help!

Any tips on how to handle DDs behaviour when she does play up?

I think the consensus is my old friend isn’t unreasonable in her reactions which part of my already knew and I should leave things be. I guess I was just hoping for a way to work it out.

At that age, play dates are much less to do with the kids themselves and more about the adults. You only socialise your kids at that age with parents you get along with, so I reckon your neighbour has some kind of issue with the way you handled it, rather than the issue of hitting itself.
I had a hitter/biter/shover/snatcher of a child and absolutely hated taking him out to play groups but couldn't deprive him completely. Often I had to leave early because it just wasn't fun for anyone (he's now turned into a very placid, easy going kid...).

Does you DD actively ask to play with her kid?

@beyondhelpful I’m really not trying to excuse her behaviour, I’m honestly trying to understand it so I can figure out how to improve it. I’m not blaming anyone else apart from us as I know she doesn’t have to react in that matter.
I don’t want my child to be isolated or known as that one, no one does. I’m looking for a way to make this better

I feel for you as I know how lonely motherhood can be. And yet I know that in my mother’s group, we all started avoiding the mum whose son hit, pushed and pulled hair. My daughter was frightened of him, I saw him do a few quite dangerous things. Sometimes the mum would ignore it, and then other times she would smack him, yell and drag him home. It was awful and while we didn’t want him hurting our children, we didn’t want him to get into too much trouble either. It was so much more pleasant catching up without them there.

I would just keep working on managing the behaviour and maybe see if you can catch up with your friends without the children occasionally to keep the friendships alive.

@ziggety she did all the time and really loved him almost like a sibling. She’s usually great in playgroups, soft plays. It’s in house settings that I notice it plays up. She also attends a drop off playgroup and is really well behaved there.

Did you do anything that helped with your LO?

@Zippetydoodahzippetyay yes it can be lonely and we use to pop over to each other often. I do keep a close eye on her and it’s definitely not ignored but she’s definitely not hit! I’m obviously no parent expert but hitting to teach them not to hit seems counterproductive. I honestly just want the best for my child and I’m desperate to fix this react first think later

I do get that but does it matter why she does it? What is there to understand?

Hitting, pushing or anything similar for me is just a flat no. We don't do it. Doesn't matter what the cause is. Who took what, hit who first, who is in who's space. Physical stuff is off limits.

If the house is more tricky can you not just meet outside it? I second the idea of kid free meet ups if you want to keep the friendship going.

@beyondhelpful I completely agree, hitting should always be a huge no. I was simply thinking if I could understand why she’s reacting that way we could stop it once and for all.

My DD was looked after with another girl of identical age (let’s call her other girl - OG) as well as other kids, by a childminder. DD and OG were v close, like sisters. Then when they became toddlers my DD started biting OG every now and again. I was mortified and would reiterate each time to DD that it was wrong. Other mum knew I was v strict (and cross) with DD about the biting. Interestingly, one time when we were at home, DD was getting frustrated when playing with something and screamed “I hate OG!” I’m no psychoanalyst but I believe DD had begun to see OG as a target for her frustrations. Perhaps frustration is behind your LO’s outbursts and she needs to find some other way of venting? (Not sure what though). I would be upset too in your position, and I think I would talk to the other mum to try to resolve it. Maybe the LOs will get ion better after being apart?

Perhaps over time as your childs behaviour improves they will become friends again? If they are going to the same school and you live next door I'm sure the friendship will pick up again as they get older and your lo does not hit any more.
I think it's understandable they have withdrawn a little now as no one wants to see their child hit constantly. And not all children do do it.
I'm not criticising your parenting because I dont know you.. and I do know that some children can just naturally be a bit more aggressive than others. My friend is a very good mum but her son has issues with biting.
It's a sad fact that people will withdraw if their children are getting hurt though.
Hopefully this is just a phase your lo is going through and further down the line your friend will be closer to you again.

I know someone who's child was a biter. People don't want to put their children In harms way (and they are right) so everybody stayed away till he grew out of it.

Unfortunately I had to wait until he grew out of it but every time we planned to go to playgroup I would prep him by telling him "no biting; no slapping; no pushing; no pulling hair" etc. and he would have to repeat it.
However now with hindsight, it's often a much better strategy to focus on their positive behaviour and not just tell them off for the bad stuff. Praise her when she sits nicely, plays happily with someone, or listens to you, 'that's lovely sharing/listening' etc. instead. She's still very little but worth getting into the habit early.
Good luck

OP you’re so right, it makes no sense hitting a child to teach them not to hit. I used to hate witnessing that. You don’t sound like her at all in that regard, I just gave the example of how we all seek to protect our children even if it means distancing yourself from friends. I hope your little one grows out of it soon and you have a chance to reconnect with your friends.

OP, I've just re-read your post. You say Play dates and group play dates are arranged with the other kids in our tiny community without my LO being invited. So it is other people in addition to your neighbour who are avoiding you/you LO or are the playdates and group play dayes being arranged by the neighbour? If it is the latter, could you arrange for your own playdates and group playdates with the other dc in the community? You could invite the neighbour to the group playdates and she could choose to come or not but the chatter amongst the other parents indicating that your dc is no longer in their hitting phase and everyone could just move on.