Lost mum friend - advice please

[Mamawingingit1234]

This has been bugging me for awhile and I flip between thinking it’s fine and being quite upset by it.

I live in a small community and made what I thought was good friends with 2 girls, one next door and the other a few doors over. We all really bonded when we found out we were expecting with in months of each other. Went to prenatal yoga classes, baby play dates so on. Fast forward when the kids were approx 18 months and my LO got a bit “terrible twos” and would often hit out and it was mainly the one child we saw the most our next door neighbour. Please don’t get me wrong, I do not condone hitting and I always told her off but everything I’ve read said most children go through this phase. The child in question was rarely upset when it did happen (and not that I’m excusing it just trying to paint a picture).
Unfortunately she was a toad for while, so fast forward a few months and we just don’t see them anymore. A few messages were sent and any attempts to arrange a catch up were side stepped or oh we’re busy etc etc. Que accidental meet in soft play when we were with the other mum and after I said I haven’t seen you in ages she said “yeah “her LO” just didn’t want to see “my LO”” I was a bit taken back and didn’t say anything but it’s really upset. It was almost a throw away comment.

Now I feel there is a weird atmosphere which is horrible since we literally share a wall, no intention on moving and the kids will be in the same class.

Play dates and group play dates are arranged with the other kids in our tiny community without my LO being invited.

I don’t know how to handle it. I know I need to teach her (and myself) that not everyone is going to like you and that’s fine but it feels quite hard as we were close.

Advice please?

Unfortunately op it might not just be that she didn't want her child being a bad example to hers but possibly she didn't like the way you handled or interacted with the kids. I speak from experience. My son is 17 months and he's very gentle and sweet. Our neighbours child is a year older and he was hitting and spitting a lot. Mostly at him. I didn't like the way she spoke to her child and mine. She would scream a lot and tell him he was a naughty boy which to be honest I disagree with. I didn't want my son seeing that type of behaviour so I completely kept my distance and decided they can't play together anymore. I tried, I really did. But my son was getting bullied off this kid everyday and mom was very loud, would scream a lot at her child, kicked her dog. Not my type of atmosphere. I don't want my son being around that. Maybe she felt the same?

I'm afraid most people will not want to meet up if it is likely that their child will be hit.

I feel for you, this is a tricky situation. DD2 used to leave me despairing - she was very reactive and used to shove people if she didn't get her own way. She would also run wild (really wild in soft play) and hurt others by jumping on them etc. It got to the point where I felt like I couldn't take her out and I would often decline offers of going places. Likewise, my then friends with older children, didn't bother to invite us out with them in the school holidays etc because dd2 was hard work and I suppose they didn't have to put up with it (whereas my very good friend at least attempted to accommodate us, bless her - she is fabulous). The best place I could take dd was to the park where she could interact with others but on her own terms.

Fast forward...dd has turned 5 and started school. I think she is doing okay, I haven't ventured into the play date scene yet (I try to turn a blind eye to it but she does go to Rainbows and a couple of other groups outside of school), fingers crossed she seems to have calmed down a bit, I think her emotions were too big for her previously, if that makes sense and she couldn't relate to me saying "well that would make me feel sad, if you pushed me," etc. Incidentally, punishing her (by withdrawing things) didn't seem to work either. She would frequently have explosive melt downs (to the point where I questioned whether she has some sort of condition) but she doesn't tick all of the boxes. I ended up feeling isolated and anxious in the end and it felt like no-one else around me could relate.

My first dc was never like this, yet exactly the same parenting etc. if anything I set firmer boundaries for dd2. Hope it works out okay, it can be difficult to deal with when you live in a small community but as dcs get older they tend to choose their own friends and it isn't all related to parenting politics.