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Original poster

Father in law wants to be on own with baby

38 replies

LauraaJ1987 · 08/02/2019 10:20

Hi!

So since we've had our little boy my partners dad always wants to be on his own with him. If we are out he will say things like "I'll push the pram so you can shop" I reluctantly let him, then before I know it he's gone and I can't find him at all. One time he was in another shop! Am I right to be uncomfortable with this?
He and mother in law have been separated for years and she lives over 200 miles away and my parents over 300.
He got angry with me the other day because when we visit my family we will leave baby with my mum but not with him overnight. I'm just not comfortable with it. I had to tell him to stop kissing baby on the lips too which I can't stand.

Am I being over the top?

Help!

OP posts:

HoustonBess · 08/02/2019 10:21

Follow your instincts.

Kedgeree · 08/02/2019 10:22

It's very very odd. I wouldn't be assuming any ill-intent, but it's definitely odd. Just say no. You don't have to explain.

GrapesAndCheese · 08/02/2019 10:23

Trust your instinct. I wouldn't like this either OP.

My DSis' boyfriend asked to wear my weeks old DS in the sling once.. it was the first time I'd met him! I laughed it off and didn't let him. He still gives me the creeps and I don't let him be with DS alone.

Let him sulk and tbh keep your distance too.

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justthecat · 08/02/2019 10:24

I wouldn’t be happy him kissing the baby on the lips,What does your partner think?

3timeslucky · 08/02/2019 10:28

Trust your instincts. This is your child. Getting angry with you about your decisions as a parent is completely out of order. I would let him know that.

What you describe sounds creepy and controlling to me. I would just be saying "No". You don't have to justify yourself.

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 08/02/2019 10:44

First make sure your partner knows why his father is unsafe to leave your baby with and is on board. Your partner may need to talk to his mother to find out how good his dad was with him and any siblings when a child.

Then simply say "No".

Let him have his tantrum as it shows he is not a safe person to leave any child with alone.

Original poster

LauraaJ1987 · 08/02/2019 11:50

Thank you all so much for your replies!
Yeah, I've got to trust my instincts with it and be firm to him. He is really controlling but my partner just turns a blind eye to it because it's his dad. When I tell him stuff he's said to me when he's out of the room etc he tells me to just leave it.

We went out yesterday with him and I didn't want to take my hands off the pram once because I knew he'd just take him and walk off. Just before we were leaving the shop, I had to go and grab something before the shop shut and he took the pram straight away and when I got back to where they were it was just my partner and his dad had gone off with my son and didn't know where they gone. I really hate it but don't want to cause a row by saying something.

With the kissing him on the lips, he was doing it when my partner wasn't in the room and it was making me cringe. He would actually take him dummy out and kiss him. So I said to him "can you not do that please?" He said "why" I said "you might make him ill" he said "I'm not ill though" I asked him if he had any cold sores or anything he said "nope, no..nothing like that". He is so difficult.
I spoke to my partner about it and told him he has to tell him because not only will he make him ill, it's a really intimate thing that I don't want him doing with my child. So he told him yesterday but wasn't happy about it

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 08/02/2019 11:56

Op this is really ringing alarm bells for me, red flags all over......

If it was my child l would never let him touch him and minimise any contact...
This is not normal behavior, he is a threat to your child, please stay away and make your DH understand the seriousness of this..

justthecat · 08/02/2019 11:58

Can you try and minimise contact with him?

Original poster

LauraaJ1987 · 08/02/2019 12:04

We see him one afternoon a week and I'm always there. I never leave them on their own, my partner doesn't even take him over to see his dad without me. It probably annoys him lol but I don't care.

OP posts:

bourbonbiccy · 08/02/2019 12:06

Surely if he can't follow your simple request and respect your wishes, you have to sit down and explain that until he can, he will never be left alone with DS and stop inviting him out with you.

bourbonbiccy · 08/02/2019 12:08

I don't agree with stopping contact completely but when the kisses son on the lips ask him to leave, and explain he will not be invited out with you as he walks off with DS and you don't know where they are.

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 12:10

Never, never, never! He sounds creepy and scary. I wouldn't be meeting him once a week, or ever if I could help it!

llangennith · 08/02/2019 12:12

Agree with others, you have to take a firm stand on this, this is not normal behaviour. Speak out and if it causes a row or ill-feeling that's too bad.

HavelockVetinari · 08/02/2019 12:21

Trust your instincts here, it might be innocent but it doesn't sound it.

Original poster

LauraaJ1987 · 08/02/2019 12:28

Thanks all.

I'm going to stay on top of this and monitor it. I will say something to him if he tries to take him off again and be honest with him. I need to make sure it's in front of my partner so he can witness it too.

I'm sick of looking like the bad person and control freak but it just doesn't feel right!
Thanks for making me see it's not me

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 08/02/2019 12:30

I’d say I panic when I turn around and see my baby gone. I only let people who ask, explain where they are taking them, and trust me as the baby’s mother to take him anywhere. You don’t do any of those things.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 12:33

Absolutely fair enough for you not to want him to go wondering off with the baby in a pram.
totally reasonable.

missyB1 · 08/02/2019 12:37

The walking off with the pram thing is scary and a bit weird and I would insist he doesn’t do that - just tell him calmly but firmly.
Kissing on the lips? Not a big deal for me, all our family kids the kids on the lips - we aren’t perverts or paedophiles I assure you.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 08/02/2019 12:44

Good plan. I'm all for having Grandparents involved, but if it doesn't feel right then you have to act. Especially if your FIL won't obey your rules, and keeps pushing for time alone.

Confusedbeetle · 08/02/2019 12:49

Tell him that it worries you when the baby is out of sight so please stop wheeling him away.

tell him it makes you uncomfortable as a kiss on the lips is an intimate thing to do and inappropriate with a baby.

This is not normal behaviour.
Anything that makes you uncomfortable you are entitled to stop. You are his mother

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/02/2019 12:49

Big alarm bells for me too. But your main problem here is not your FIL, but the spineless shit of a husband you have who will see you angry and upset about it, turn a blind eye on what his dad is doing And let you and the child suffer the upset.

I would tell your other half clearly that if he doesn’t give a shit and insists on ignoring the issue, you will sort the problem yourself regardless of the fall out this may cause.

And no, do not leave the child alone with that perv, if he is happy to remove the dummy to kiss him, which any person will know might upset the kid, he doesn’t care about how the kid feels either just about his own “needs”.

(feel free to flame me, I’m not reading, I have seen enough sexual abuse committed by family members, to swallow the shit ”granpa was just being affectionate”. There is affectionate and affectionate, this is the wrong kind.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/02/2019 12:52

PS. Don’t wait for him to do it in front of your partner, he won’t. For as long as he doesn’t do it in front of things he can comfortably claim you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

The important thing here is not to catch grandpa or proving he is wrong, but protecting the child. That comes first.

Sexnotgender · 08/02/2019 12:54

I’d hate this. I’ve got a 6 day old baby and wouldn’t feel comfortable with that at all.

I agree with above, if your husband won’t sort it tell him you will.

Mmmhmmm · 08/02/2019 13:11

A buggy strap might help if you need both hands free briefly but don't want anyone grabbing the pushchair off of you.

www.amazon.co.uk/LittleLife-L13210-Buggy-Wrist-Strap/dp/B01DU3U70G/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?keywords=buggy+strap&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1549631341&sr=8-4

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