Getting my 4 year old to Open up. She is becoming a little Dull

[Dad505]

First of all, I appreciate this is a place as of where Mums can talk amongst themselves and I feel as a male that I have crept in on your "Space" so for that I am sorry. I just wanted to express a really honest and troubling observation of mine and felt there was no better place for honest feedback than Mumsnet.

Right, here goes..
My daughter is my world. She is so well behaved, gorgeous and polite and loves simple things such as tickles, playing shop and being told about planned fun days.
I feel so awful for even having this opinion and typing this but I am really struggling with her personality. She is the complete opposite to me and as I am no longer with her Mum, I try to make my time with her in the week and at weekends special but she is becoming a little dull.
One word answers, won't talk unless someone talks to her, doesn't elaborate on any answers. I can say "HEY, Look at that sweetheart, there is a pink car, are you going to have one of those when your older" and her reply can often be something along the lines of "Daddy, I have brown hair".
It's like any conversation away from small talk sends her out of her comfort zone. I commute to collect her 3 times a week so it makes the car ride a long drive trying to get her to engage. At the same time, i don't want her to feel pressured by me so I give her the silence I feel she wants and needs and then I am greeted by "Daddy I am bored".

Is it that I am missing something or do i literally have to talk about the same topic every time i see her and drag it out the nights I have her for that to be my conversation and connection with her?

I do lot's of play with her, shop, teachers, Jail, Tea parties etc. But if i need to do some house work, she is then completely lost on how to play on her own and will come in every 2 minutes and just say "Daddy" and smile. I ask if she is "O.K"? And she always says yes.

HELP!

I'd relay your concerns to the school /nursery and her mother and ask if they've noticed anything. A sudden personality change can be a cause for concern from a safeguarding perspective. At the very least I'd be concerned that she's worried about something.

Unless she's always been like this?

I think this I normal. My 4 year old often repeats stories and conversations and it's my job as mum to pretend to be excited or interested after the 10th time hearing about it or else I try and steer the conversation elsewhere a little.
My 7 year old will jump from one topic to another and another so is the opposite but that can be equally annoying at times.
Every child had a different personality and I find it so sad you would describe her as dull . Maybe you need to try harder to think of things to do, you're the adult after all.
The fact that she follows you and just says Daddy and smiles makes me think she wants your company and feels safe with you.

4 year olds are not great conversationalists. I'm going back a a bit now but I don't think mine had quite mastered independent play at that point and many parents find make believe play like shops teachers exhausting.

Maybe if you found some activities and pastimes that put less pressure on both of you to chat you'd find it easier, and you'd have more energy for the conversation you do have.

Audiobooks for car journeys are a savior. We've been rotating the same Famous Fives and Secret Sevens for about 4 years, having got them in a jumble sale for a couple of quid.

Does she like painting/drawing/crafty stuff? It's something you can do beside each other and talk or not talk/talk about what you're doing or open up about stuff.

DS was a bit older before he would just get on with something while I did housework. Lego good for this and also something you can sit and do with her and talk or not talk.

How long have you been separated - is it a new thing?
Is your DD at school or still at nursery?
You say it is a long drive 3 times a week - how long. I think most 4yos would find that boring on a regular basis. Have you tried an audio book or music? If this is after a day at school, she could just be tired.

You say she is the complete opposite of you - perhaps you need to accept this. She may just not be a chatty person, or interested in the things that interest you. I assume you ask her about her day, what she has done, who she has played with etc. What programmes she has watched on Tv, stories she has read etc. You need to find some common ground. What excites her?

Maybe she's just a quiet child? Not fair to call her dull, though. She's not there to entertain you. You could just play music in the car. And a certain amount of children's TV is acceptable if you're busy and she's bored. Does she like Peppa Pig? Drama Llama? Dora the Explorer?

How about getting her too help?
If your washing up give her a towel and hand her things she can't break. Bubbles on nose ect. Let her do some washing up, kids love water

Dusting, give her a cheap spray and cloth.
On the way home, always have something new you can talk about, a book with pictures, or a teddy and make up a story between you....

I also wondered if it was a symptom of being a bit down, whether about her parents splitting up (we don't know how long you've been separated so that may be way off the mark), or something else going on her life. Did she start school this year? She may be exhausted from a week at school and just need quiet company and reassurance.

Due to DH shifts I end up spending a lot of weekends alone with DS. Could she have a friend round to play, or meet up with another family at soft play? Some times I would focus on getting us out the house for exercise and fresh air until the point I felt justified going home and snuggling in front of the TV.

I do think that 4 year olds ‘do’ small talk! I worked for a nursery and huge often the children are in a world of their own, observing and exploring - an often very different in the nursery setting than with their parents (oh she’s very quiet/noisy, won’t eat apples, hates red etc).

You see her theee times a week? How long has this been and is it a set routine? It ales children a while to get into a routine and if things feel a bit non-routine they can feel out of sorts. Put the radio on, sing along and try not to worry about her.

I think rein back on trying to make things 'special' as that is going to put her under huge pressure to enjoy herself. There could be a few things going on: if she's missing you a lot, she may be putting herself under lots of pressure to make her time with you perfect (sounds like you're doing this too, to be honest). She may be scared to say the wrong thing in case you stop seeing her. She may even feel that being too happy with you is disloyal to her mum.

Basically what I'm saying is that little people sometimes get the maddest ideas into their heads. You need to relax so that she relaxes. Audio books for the car is a great idea, so you're not jumping on her with questions. Crafts and side by side activities are good too. Aim to make your time together ordinary, not fun.

She's not dull, she's 4 and probably still adjusting to you and her mum being seperate. Not many 4 year old children are amazing at conversation. Maybe try sitting with her to watch a movie or read a book together.

Try asking more open questions so rather than ‘are you going to have a car like that when you’re older?’ ask ‘what type of cars do you like?’ or ‘when you grow up what do you think your car will look like?’.

Instead of asking whether she’s had a good day at nursery/ school/ whatever ask her to tell you about her day.

Think yourself lucky. My 4 year old will respond to a simple question by calling me a big fat poo bum.

I do lot's of play with her, shop, teachers, Jail, Tea parties etc. WTF is Jail, or did you just slip that in to see if anyone was really paying attention?
I think you have too high expectations of a four year old's conversational skills. And you're her parent; it's not her job to entertain you.

Maybe she's just a bit shy or not that chatty, but it stood out to me that your example isn't actually a very easy conversation starter.

'HEY, Look at that sweetheart, there is a pink car, are you going to have one of those when your older?'
The only answers to this are yes, no or maybe. Four year olds aren't often very good at building on their answers, they need to learn how to make conversation and practice, just like anything else!

Eg.
'HEY, Look at that sweetheart, there is a pink car, are you going to have one of those when your older?'
'Why?'
'What kind of car would you choose?'
'What about a truck?'

If you think her answers aren't making sense, rephrase your question

eg. Yes, you do have brown hair (reward for engaging) would you rather have a pink car or a different colour?

If she's obviously not enjoying the conversation (another reason why she might not be engaging) then give her a break or talk about something different. Maybe she just didn't fancy talking about cars 🤷🏼‍♀️
Open ended questions are good
Eg. What was the best thing that happened today at school?
More specific questions are easier to answer if she is struggling
Eg. Who did you play with today? What was for lunch today?
You can still build on that
Eg. Do you often play with them? What kind of games do you play? Was lunch today good? What would you have for lunch if it was up to you?

It could be that she just needs her confidence building, or it could be that at the end of the day she's tired and not ready for chatter. You could always do something else in the car and talk later. Four year olds often aren't ready to self entertain, but if you offer activities like other posters have suggested, she should be fine to get stuck in!
I'm sure she's not boring ❤️

@onalongsabbatical my nephew plays Jail a lot – mostly it involves shouting "you're going to jail!" and dragging me somewhere to sit in jail. No idea why.

Dull?
She's not a performing monkey.

Maybe you need to think about the kind of questions you're asking her. 'How was your day' is something DD's dad always asks her and she just doesn't know what to say. It's a big question!

I try 'what was the silliest/happiest/saddest' thing to happen today' and find that works better.

Or imagination based things. 'what kind of animal would you be?' or 'lets make up a story', and let her choose who's in the story and where they go, while you make up the bits in between.

Give her open prompts, but specific questions; like silliest thing to happen is specific (not the whole day) but open (she chooses the thing that happened).

She's also no good at independent play and that does drive me a bit mad tbh.

My 4 year old also plays 'jail'. It consists of me having to sit still and be in jail.

She's not dull, she's just 4 doing what 4 year olds do.

If some of this is straight after school, I can relate when DS was in year 1 I ended up collecting him for a few weeks rather than having him collected by after school club. I had great intentions that we would make good use of our time and do loads of cool stuff. Most days by the time we got home I took one look at him and could see he was shattered and needed to chill out for a while with a snack. Then maybe see if we feel like painting a picture or something.

Also most kids asked what they did at school will tell you "stuff", "nothing" or "can't remember". I used to ask daft questions like "did you do skipping? or hopping?" and then his urge to correct me would force some details out.

Are you allowed a book or MN, when you are in jail, @NerrSnerr? If so, that would have been my ultimate game, when mine were that age!!

@Dad505 - my first reaction, when I read your post, was that your little girl isn't dull - she is reacting to a massive change in her life, and learning how to cope with her new reality. She doesn't want to play on her own, while you do housework - she doesn't see much of you, and wants to play with you while she has the chance.

If you can, try not to worry about this, and try to be where she is, rather than expecting her to interact the way you want her to. Ask open questions, rather than ones that elicit Yes/No answers - for example, don't ask her if she wants a pink car when she grows up - ask her what her favourite colour is, and then build on her reply - for example you can suggest you both try to spot as many things that colour that you can - winner gets an icecream.

Have you considered audio books for the car? When my sons were small, and we were going on long journeys, I invested in children's audio books, and we listened to them together. Or there are travelling games you can play - I-Spy, Yellow Car, etc.

Hi Guys,

Thank you so much for all input and opinions.
In terms of the break up, me and her Mum were separated when she was 8 months old and is now 4, the routine has always been the same since the split.
the answer to what is Jail? Jail is like cops and robbers, she played it nursery and loved it and often asks me to play or I ask her to play it with me. Run away as the robber, the cop whether it her or me does the catching etc.
I asked Nursery if they have noticed her going very quiet. They said yes, she likes to play one or two games but the rest of the time she watches the others or takes herself off on her own.
That reassured me as it is purely her personality it just hurts to think she is bored with me yet doesn't really want to do or say much at the same time.

The closed question regarding the car was just one example of how a question can get a completely irrelevant answer such as her hair colour.
I often ask her what she has eaten, what fun things she has done with mummy, if and where she would like to go and what she likes about those places etc. she didn't use to, but it seems she really struggles to answer those questions and looks to shut nearly everything down with either a one word answer or a very obvious comment such as her hair colour.
There isn't a particular answer for this but some of the answers have been eye opening.
I try to offer car games and the radio in the car but she doesn't like music. I bought a disney CD which she loved and we listen to when ever she wants it on but she only likes 2 songs off the CD she chose so gets bored of it now, we have shopped for more but nothing has stuck.
She just doesn't seem to have much interest in things and gets bored of the topics she does take interest in as that is what she finds herself doing the most.
One comment was maybe me and my daughter are putting pressure on trying to make it too "Special" rather than normal, I totally agree with that so i have taken a step back with trying to initiate as much in recent months and making it more relaxed and I then find us sat in silence haha.

I obviously have to get to grips that she isn't as random, and as wild as she was when she was a little younger and is becoming more reserved, it's just the fact when i accept that she the says she is bored but then doesn't want to do anything suggested or has no suggestions of her own.
I feel stuck in a little bit of a loop and helpless for her at times.
I'm not being bias but her behaviour is impeccable and i have only ever had to raise my voice once with her. Yet she says she is always getting shouted at by her mum and asks if she can stay with me for longer. Other days she can ask to see her mum before the weekend is up. I guess being 4 sucks when being passed between the parents :(

Maybe have a friend round from school, or meet up with friends or family? Some children don't enjoy one-to-one time and seem to prefer a more sociable environment.

it's just the fact when i accept that she the says she is bored but then doesn't want to do anything suggested or has no suggestions of her own.

I appreciate that you said she has changed, but I still think your expectations are a bit high. Kids complaining they are bored is pretty normal. Even adults do the exact same thing:
"I'm bored, what should we do?"
"I don't know, you decide"
"Well I don't know. Should we eat?"
"OK, eat where?"
"I don't know"
This is a weekly if not daily exchange in many adult relationships.

Alternatively more time outdoors - play area, beach, woods, etc, where the focus is on exercise, fresh air and play rather than conversation. I always found roleplay games tedious so would much rather go out somewhere!