Getting my 4 year old to Open up. She is becoming a little Dull

[Dad505]

First of all, I appreciate this is a place as of where Mums can talk amongst themselves and I feel as a male that I have crept in on your "Space" so for that I am sorry. I just wanted to express a really honest and troubling observation of mine and felt there was no better place for honest feedback than Mumsnet.

Right, here goes..
My daughter is my world. She is so well behaved, gorgeous and polite and loves simple things such as tickles, playing shop and being told about planned fun days.
I feel so awful for even having this opinion and typing this but I am really struggling with her personality. She is the complete opposite to me and as I am no longer with her Mum, I try to make my time with her in the week and at weekends special but she is becoming a little dull.
One word answers, won't talk unless someone talks to her, doesn't elaborate on any answers. I can say "HEY, Look at that sweetheart, there is a pink car, are you going to have one of those when your older" and her reply can often be something along the lines of "Daddy, I have brown hair".
It's like any conversation away from small talk sends her out of her comfort zone. I commute to collect her 3 times a week so it makes the car ride a long drive trying to get her to engage. At the same time, i don't want her to feel pressured by me so I give her the silence I feel she wants and needs and then I am greeted by "Daddy I am bored".

Is it that I am missing something or do i literally have to talk about the same topic every time i see her and drag it out the nights I have her for that to be my conversation and connection with her?

I do lot's of play with her, shop, teachers, Jail, Tea parties etc. But if i need to do some house work, she is then completely lost on how to play on her own and will come in every 2 minutes and just say "Daddy" and smile. I ask if she is "O.K"? And she always says yes.

HELP!

Oh and search this forum for similar threads. You will find many threads where everyone agrees they find playing with and talking to children extremely dull.

do lot's of play with her, shop, teachers, Jail, Tea parties etc

So, stereotypically female play?

Have you tried stuff where she doesn’t have to play social games? My dd hated all that and we both found it utterly dull as we’re introverts and sitting pretending to shop when we hated shopping was ridiculous.

Build train sets. Play ball. In the park. Take her swimming, cycling, teach her to skateboard. Socialising for some people is a lot of effort, exhausting and boring. I would far rather go to a trampoline park and try throwing somersaults with my kids than go shopping or out for a meal.

Find things you both like doing that doesn’t require small talk.

She idolises her older cousin, when I take her round to see her she won't leave my side. She adores her from a distance. Some days she will eventually go and play and others she prefers to just watch her cousin play. I think I may of over babied and protected her for the first 3 years and now expect her to be more independent?

She sounds pretty normal
When she's quiet, there's probably lots going on in her head. Busy thinking.
At this age, not all kids can amuse themselves for long and it does sound like she just wants to be with you, what you're doing isn't terribly important. It's the company that is the main thing.
Role play is truly exhausting soul sapping stuff! My DD loved it so I would dig deep and play, for a while!
Another poster suggested just doing your jobs together, give her a duster, or do some cooking (accept it won't necessarily get done quite as well).
If she's just started school this year, that is hugely demanding of her time and mental energy.

@Butteredghost, Thank you I will look for that.

Regards your last post, some kids are just a bit clingy-er than others. Being alongside you gives her reassurance, allowing her to feel safe and secure now will enable her to become more independent in the future.

I honestly appreciate everybody's input.
I have come to the conclusion to not over think it.
Appreciate she is changing and becoming a quiet person but that isn't a reflection of my guidance or parenting, it actually has nothing to do with me. I just need to comfort her and her independence, encourage where applicable and offer more experiences for her.
I do think I have over babied her and now wonder why she isn't as independent as other children but I accept it now.
Thank you so much.

I do think I have over babied her and now wonder why she isn't as independent as other children but I accept it now

Not necessarily. She may be finding the change between yours and exes a little confusing and insecure. As pp said, let her be dependent, it’s the best way to help her be independent.

I think the issue might also be you missing her conversational cues. The comment about her hair being brown isn't irrelevant or unconnected in her mind. You made a comment about a pink car. She sees that as you talking about colours, not cars. So she tells you about another colour she likes, or she knows - which is a cue for you to engage with her in another colour observation.

Good point about the colours, she is trying to engage with you but not maybe in the way you are expecting!
The dependant/independent thing can feel counter intuitive. But, the best thing for an insecure or clingy child is to feel secure. So, if she doesn't want to play, let her just watch. You are respecting her choice which also develops self esteem. Praise her when she is brave.

Yeah well pointed out. I missed the chance to expand as the adult.
Thank you @TheBossOfMe and @Beamur

It's not a criticism. We all get it wrong sometimes. Another perspective just sees things differently.
Your DD sounds like a sweet girl.

She sounds perfectly normal to me. If anything she sounds like she loves her daddy. I really wouldn't worry about it - she's four and still findng her feet regarding independence, assertiveness, articulating her wishes etc.

Just one more thing. Never in my wildest dreams would it occur to me to state that one of my children were "becoming a lttle dull"

Maybe you should take a few minutes to think about your choice of words there as well ?

@Loughers Thank you for the comment and feedback.

As for my comments and having a minute on my choice of words.
A comment n reply to my post kindly pointed out that many others share the fear of finding their child "Dull". The definition of "Dull" is lacking interest or excitement. The very point I refer back to consistently throughout my posts in how my daughter seems to lack interest or excitement at times. I don't go on to say this bores me or I have lost interest or enjoy my time with her any less. Just merely that I was scared that i had caused the change in character and asking for help.

I don't hide behind my feelings. Nor do I think one thing and then articulate a public post differently to protect my perception to others.
I was being honest in order to get accurate and cutting advice.

I do think I have over babied her and now wonder why she isn't as independent as other children but I accept it now

This is a common mistake in parents. Some children are slow-approach and some fast-approach. It's a really persistent trait. I couldn't make mine cling to my leg with duct tape. She couldn't be made to be shy. You have a quiet one who needs warm up time. That's OK too.

I agree that role-play games will be fairly tiring for a child like this. Beach, exploring, the woods, science (you can get science boxes delivered), pretend housework with you, all better than social games.

@zzzzz Apple picking and feed them to the local horses as they are her favourite animals, Swimming lessons, we have 2 Spaniels so we always goes to the park with the dogs and she loves fun fairs and the beach so we do a lot of camping around summer getting around.
So to answer your question, yes a lot more than listen to a Disney tape and play in the house

You can just do normal things together as well. I know other posters have already suggested dusting and washing up. You really don't need to plan special activities. Tell her you need her help and give her a pen and paper and ask her to write the shopping list (or draw the pictures) as you check the cupboards. This activity can take hours - and don't rely on actually understanding the list. And you can build upwards from here. By the time DS was 6 he could manage his own short list and basket in the supermarket.

Let her make sandwiches (cream cheese spreads easily) or let her arrange the cucumber. It's fun for her, passes the time, and she also will start to learn basic life skills.

Children love helping their parents. DS is 8 but still gets conned into chopping veg and hoovering.

I know you say that it’s been her routine since she was a baby, but four is an age where they start to understand things in relation to other people and context. Could it be that she’s figuring out that some families have a mummy and daddy who live together and some families don’t and she’s just trying to understand where she fits into it all? Like, this has been her normal all her life and now she’s starting to realise it’s not normal for everyone?

But also, four years olds are oddballs. Mine never ever stopped talking but used to get stuck on a loop of just one subject or anecdote. It was very trying on the patience. I just had to pretend to be interested!

Listen to a story cd in the car or age appropriate songs on cd, eg Disney, then she/ you don’t feel under pressure to fill the silence

Colouring and stickers are good at that age too and things they can do independently.
I always preferred being out and about with mine, time used to drag if we were role playing.
Also at that age she could start playing simple card games like Uno which may be more fun for you both. Hi

Maybe she's just an introvert? That doesn't have to mean she will seem shy, or anti-social. My DD, who is 7 now, is an introvert; she is drained by being around people, no matter how much she loves them. As an extrovert I struggled to understand this as I love the noise and bustle of being around other people and feel hyped up and energised in company. I didn't recognise this when she was younger and was always trying to bring her out of her shell and have "quality time" no matter how exhausted or withdrawn she became. Now, I give her a good hour to decompress (watch YouTube!) after school and am prepared for her to want to engage in her own time... or sometimes not!

She said to me when she was 6 "Why do chatterboxes, like you are, mummy, not just leave people alone when they don't want to talk to you?" She then went on to say that "chatterboxes make me feel like I have to keep them busy when my brain wants to be busy, but on it's own and in peace."

I'd second the audio book / Greatest Showman soundtrack for in the car.