A Good Age Gap.

[009]

Hi everyone. Am thinking of trying for second but am really hung up about getting the age gap right. I would be so grateful of people's input here on 'your experience' of age gaps. For instance it has been my observation that siblings with a smaller gap (2 years or less) get on better and have closer relationships than those with a bigger gap. Personally I always felt it was better to have a big gap as that way no 1 would have more time alone with parents and would then not feel pushed out too soon. But I think that maybe the longer they go without a sibling the more they find it difficult to accept their baby bro or sis particulary if they are going through a 'selfish' phase in their social/emotional development. There are 10 years between me and my sis and we have always been so close and very loving but she was desperate for a baby sister by the time I came along and always played the role of big sis. Unfortunately I do not have the time (bio clock) to wait for my DD to ask for a new baby. I used to think my friends were absolutely potty for going for a 2 year gap. They have all looked so busy and stressed so I avoided that. DD is now 21 months. But I am really worried that the 3 year gap is not a good one, causing much jealousy. What have you found?

Message withdrawn

19 months
must have been out of our trees at the time but we were out of the nappies, sleepless nights etc all in one go. Why did we think "Oh look we have a 9 month old and we are coping so well lets have another"!

Actually it has been brilliant - they have really grown up together and play well as they have smiliar interests/toys etc

I really believed before having DD that a close gap is not good for the children because they always have to share everything and don't get enough of mum. So I was determined not to go for a second too soon. However since becoming a mum I've seen a lot of evidence to the contrary. Siblings with a gap of around 2 years getting on well and 1st C really accepting 2nd very well. I think at 2 maybe they are young enough for all experiences to be new and don't get too used to having mum and dad to themselves. Def. they have enough in common to play together.

Another reason I didn't go for a close gap is because I didn't feel that I could have coped with 2 little ones together. Just a few months ago I felt like DD was still such a baby and I couldn't have imagined having a newborn to cope with at the same time. But now I feel that it would be ok. It's amazing how quickly they grow up and how things can turn around in just a few months. Just hope she doesn't turn into a self centred bratfink by 3.

As many of you have pointed out que sera sera. Personality is all important and the gap can't be exactly planned for anyway, even with the best will in the world. Will just have to suck it and see.

i've got a 19m gap (3.3 and 20m now)

pros:
it has suddenly become really brilliant - they play together so well and seem really genuinely affectionate towards each other.
they laugh together a lot.
went on holiday in June and i can honestly say it was easy.
there was no jealousy when she was born.
we can do really fun things together as a family now

cons:
double nursery fees!
difficult to "do" classes etc as you always have the other one. would have been easier if the older one was at nursery / i had just had the older one.
flipping hard work with 2 under 2's
felt like i was pg and bf constantly for a few years - tough on your relationship

just read the whole thread and wanted to add that my siblings are

DD1: 3 years older than me
DD2: me
DD3: 3.5 years younger than me
DD4: 10 years younger than me

and i would say growing up i got on really well with DD3 and DD4 and not so well with DD1.
so def more due to personality than gap.

now i am close to them all, but probably closest to DD4.

I have this theory that the longer you can leave the gap, the better. But this isnT always possible (as in my case). People sometimes want more than 2 or 3 children (so a 6 year gap wouldnt be feasible), or others want to resume careers, and want the baby thing out of the way, or even others feel the biological clock is ticking and feel its best to have the next baby as soon as possible.
But I still say the longer that is possible for you, the better.

I'm hoping (as we know things won't always go to plan) that we'll have maybe a 3 to 3.5 year gap. Am hoping that ds will be able to help out a bit and will be more self-sufficient. It will be hard to go back to doing nappies, worrying about naps and feed times etc when we will be beyond that with ds but there are so many pros. No bleeding double buggy for a start!

I have seen similar threads to this that say 3 year gaps are great so please don't be too worried!

That said, I wonder if it works better when dc1 is a girl than a boy? To typical girls won't it just seem like a little dolly? Are three year old boys (sorry for gender stereotyping) so into little baby brothers or sisters!??!

Sakura, interested to know the theory behind your thinking. Please tell.

Boo, I think that perhaps girls accept new baby better than boys but obviously it depends on the temperament of the child. Have seen lots of very angry, jealous big brothers though. Mine included!

My DS is 2.5 and quite likes babies, strokes their heads and fetches them toys! Think he will quite like a little brother or sister.

I have 2 younger sisters, gap of 5 years between all 3 of us and I hated it! Really hated having a baby sister when I was 2 and I also tried to drop a brick on my youngest sisters head when she was about 6mths and I was 5 so girls aren't always easier when it comes to a new sibling!

WEll, its not scientific, but I suppose I just watch my own child (9 months) become more and more independant as each month goes by. So I think, well, even months can make a difference in a small childs life. SO if you leave it as long as is possible for <span class="italic">you</span> then the first child has more of you, and your individual time and attention, before the next one comes along. Then the next child will have more of you as the elder begins moving towards independance (will be able to enjoy nursery for example so you can have time with the next baby). I can totally see the benefits of small gaps. But now I can see there are benefits to a good couple of years spacing from the <span class="italic">childs point of view. Small gaps work, but on the whole, I think its less stress for parents and children if you try to pace yourselves and space the children.
A big gap for one person might be 18 months, but for another might be 6 years, its all subjective. Id love another straight away, but Im trying to hold out a bit longer.

I found 3 year age gap to be great.

They say 3 years is ideal.

4

Two under two is really hard work for the first couple of years, but very much worth it.

There is an age gap of 23 months between my two boys, and they get on extremely well.

They have similar interests, and are very supportive and protective of each other.

I fervently hope they will continue to be so close throughout their entire lives.

I am the eldest of three girls. My next sister is nearly 6 years younger than me. The youngest is nearly 13 years younger than me. We get on well now we are all grown up, but we didn't play together much as children. I mothered the little one, and was constantly irritated by the middle one!

That's very interesting because I always felt that 6 years would be a wonderful gap if one had time on their side. But clearly it doesn't work for everyone.

There is 21 mths between my nephews and as children they fought constantly and rivalry was so fierce it put me off having more than one child watching them together. They are young adults now and are really close it's lovely. But it was hard on their mum and dad for many years.

On the other side my niece and nephew are separated by 3.5 years, girl eldest. Again the relationship has not been good. Although it is obvious that they do love each other they are so ratty with each other and drive my sister to despair. My niece is such a sensible girl and my nephew a little tike he irritates her so much with his antics. And they don't have enough in common to be able to play together. I have no doubt they will be close as adults but again it has been hard on my sister.

My brother is 3yrs 4mths older than my eldest sister and was so resentful of her as a child and as an adult too for many years (though again they are close now). He really was jealous of any attention she got and always picked on her.

So you see in my family there have been many sibling rivalies and difficulties. That's why I wonder so much about age gaps. I think whatever the gap the greatest tensions come between the first two as the first is alwasy put out by the arrival of the second.

4/5 years is about right i think

Yeah this was the gap I was aiming for. Waiting for DD to be in school but I think I be too old and don't want to take on the extra risks associated with later pregnancies.

Thing is, if a certain gap works out for you, you tend to think that is the best gap. But it may well be reliant on compatible personalities or personal situ.

Would never have had 4 if they were close together!
There are 6 years between the eldest two,in fact an aquaintance of my husband askes if he had been in prison!(JOKING,i HOPE!)
There are 3 yrears between 2 and 3, then 6 between 3 and 4.So 16 yrs between 1 and 4.
Number one a bit like an only one TBH,and will have done 30 years of the school run!

my dd was nearly 3 when we had ds.... she was a bit miffed for the first few months and would only refer to the ds as "that baby". ds is 20 months old now and things have improved muchly.there is a 14 year age gap between my and my brother so we dont have a really close relationship not that im bothered cos hes an a hole

I think the gap itself is irrelevant - what matters is the care and attention that you are able to give each child, and how secure they feel in their place in the family. As for it depending on the personalities of your children: I don't believe that children are born with fully formed personalities - I think the larger part of the way we are comes from what we learn from our earliest experiences.

Interesting view Lazyemma. That is a whole conversation in itself.

There is a 3 year gap between my DDs (aged nearly 3 and nearly 6). The majority of the time they get on great. Play lovely together and share similar interests. DD1 looks after DD2 and knows the "boundaries". Life is great for us as a family at the moment because they do get on so well. This weekend we sat in the garden for most of the day and had a BBQ and DH and I didn't hear a peep out of the girls as they were playing beautifully together - bliss!!

DD was 2.2 when ds was born, she is really lovely with him now, very kind and caring and we have had no signs of jelousy although she is sometimes a bit rough with him. It is busy and hard work but no where near as much as I thought it would be. Go for it.

Hi. My DD is 7 and my DS is 2 and a half - so that's about 4 and a half year gap - just nature taking it's course. My DD has been like a second mother to my DS, but as his personality has developed he has pushed her away. She loves him dearly and I think she always will. Ds loves DD, but likes a bit of space, which he gets when DD is at school. What I find then is that when DD returns, DS objects to the "intrusion". Poor DD. It takes a while to settle down, but when they play together, it is beautiful. Doesn't answer your question at all, does it? It is nice to have the same amount of time with DS as we had with DD during the early years and I don't think DD felt pushed out at all. Perhaps, just let nature take her course with you? Que Sera Sera....la la la!