To be annoyed with MIL

[lovely36]

Dh and I are living with his mom while our house gets renovated. We will be here about 7 months. It's been tough as her and I are very different and have very different personalities. She's said things that really annoy me but I always just bite my tongue as I want to keep peace in the house. She's constantly teaching my 17 month old son to do things that I just over all don't want him doing. It's really bothering me now and it's starting to cause tension but I don't know how to handle it. She's like a bad example/ acts like a child herself. Some days I feel like maybe I'm being too uptight but at the end of the day I can't help but get really annoyed.

Examples of what she does: there was a lady bird in the front garden and she kept telling my ds to "dead it" (her words) and stomp on it. She kept telling my son to smash it. And I was really annoyed with this as I don't want my son killing or trying to step on ladybirds or any other thing. I said to him we don't step on lady birds, it's not doing anything to you. And he was confused.

1. Every time he poos she points and go "nah nahhhh you stink you stink!"!

And my son hides his faces into my chest and she finds it hilarious. The other day he was on the toilet (potty training) and she did that and he got embarrassed and started crying and now won't sit on the toilet.

3.today I was making him breakfast and she was telling him to bang his fists against his high chair tray.(which I just ignored) but then she started telling him to throw the spoons and forks off it. She was laughing her head off and although yes it's funny to her. Now he's starting to throw his food off the tray and thinks it's hilarious since Nan taught him it's a game.

Although she does everything trying to be playful it just makes things so much more difficult for me as he picks up everything. And sometimes I feel like she does it to get a rise out of me. The list goes on .. and I'm just trying to be civil but I don't know what to do anymore as every single day it's something new. I'm just really annoyed. I guess the only solution is to move out but I have to wait a few months. Any advice?

Oh jesus OP that is seriously rough

Take your son and get away from them both. They both sound awful and I have no idea why they are trying to ruin your son and ruin your life.

Telling people to shut up also isn't normal, it's rude. Is there no loophole you could use to go back? A friend of PIL's lives there without a visa and just goes on holiday once or twice a year to get out of the country so she isn't in there long enough to need one.

Or just wait it out and hope a new president is elected next year so you can go back.

DH and his family sound very rough and as though they have a chip on their shoulder and are trying to bring you down because they perceive you as looking down on them. I have no advice but you have every sympathy as your situation sounds extremely difficult.

She does sound deranged. I suspect she does those things because she can see they annoy you and she wants the power over you.
As you are stuck there, I would have to call her out EVERY time. So challenge her behaviours. E.g. 'DS, it's cruel and dangerous to kick a dog, MIL, why would you tell my son to put himself in danger?'. Or ' DS, it's rude to click your fingers at me, MIL, why are you teaching him to be ill mannered?'. If she says it's funny, challenge her on that as well. Just keep your boundaries strong and stay out of her way as much as possible, because constantly challenging her will be exhausting.
I would also be looking at moving out. Either into your property while you're renovating it, or a rental nearby, or even a caravan on site. Good luck!

She sounds nasty, cruel and violent. No decent person kicks or kills innocent animals. I bet she does that sort of stuff herself and that’s why she thinks it’s ok to teach your son to do it. You need to get as far away from her as possible because it’s unacceptable for her to teach your son to be cruel and aggressive and rude.

What’s your partner like? Is he also cruel and aggressive?

OP, you need to see a solicitor. Preferably one who handles divorces. I think you need to start getting some information-gathering under your belt.

I'd also consider seeing your MP (Member of Parliament) about your immigration status here and in the USA - some MPs are surprisingly helpful. Be clear you are thinking of leaving an emotionally abusive marriage, with a young child.

If you do leave the marriage, it shouldn't be with nothing. And you should be able to start fresh in the UK with the right support and advice. Are you naturalised?

It can't hurt to get your legal position fully in order.

Go in a hotel and stay there.

Your son is 17 months, so he will still be under your local health visiting team (look in the red book for the contact details). You can raise concerns with them about the dog and cat kicking as a priority, and also talk to them about your H's financial control. Make a paper trail. Good luck - this sounds horrible!

@GummyGoddess she always tells ds to tell people to shut up or if he's crying she'll say "oh shut up!" I hate it but I've never said anything. I just hate being here.

@MyFootHurts I think she does it on purpose too. Today I told ds to come with me because I was going to the shop and he said "no!" so she started laughing hysterically and was telling my son "tell mummy shut up!" So furious. I picked him up and said "we don't say that. It's RUDE." I'm so annoyed. I dont. Even bother telling dh anymore because he'll side with his mum. I'm just trying to avoid her now.

Show DH this thread, maybe seeing it written down and the views of others might make him see how this behaviour is damaging his child (anything that undermines the child/parent bond damages the child)

Please get in touch with Women's Aid, you have said he is abusive. Living with MIL is unsustainable, but will your life be ok when you do move out with DH? From what you have said here there seems to be a much greater problem than MIL.

Is there no chance that your renovations could be focused on one room and the bathroom so you could live in your house? Not ideal but it has to be better than this.