To be annoyed with MIL

[lovely36]

Dh and I are living with his mom while our house gets renovated. We will be here about 7 months. It's been tough as her and I are very different and have very different personalities. She's said things that really annoy me but I always just bite my tongue as I want to keep peace in the house. She's constantly teaching my 17 month old son to do things that I just over all don't want him doing. It's really bothering me now and it's starting to cause tension but I don't know how to handle it. She's like a bad example/ acts like a child herself. Some days I feel like maybe I'm being too uptight but at the end of the day I can't help but get really annoyed.

Examples of what she does: there was a lady bird in the front garden and she kept telling my ds to "dead it" (her words) and stomp on it. She kept telling my son to smash it. And I was really annoyed with this as I don't want my son killing or trying to step on ladybirds or any other thing. I said to him we don't step on lady birds, it's not doing anything to you. And he was confused.

1. Every time he poos she points and go "nah nahhhh you stink you stink!"!

And my son hides his faces into my chest and she finds it hilarious. The other day he was on the toilet (potty training) and she did that and he got embarrassed and started crying and now won't sit on the toilet.

3.today I was making him breakfast and she was telling him to bang his fists against his high chair tray.(which I just ignored) but then she started telling him to throw the spoons and forks off it. She was laughing her head off and although yes it's funny to her. Now he's starting to throw his food off the tray and thinks it's hilarious since Nan taught him it's a game.

Although she does everything trying to be playful it just makes things so much more difficult for me as he picks up everything. And sometimes I feel like she does it to get a rise out of me. The list goes on .. and I'm just trying to be civil but I don't know what to do anymore as every single day it's something new. I'm just really annoyed. I guess the only solution is to move out but I have to wait a few months. Any advice?

@AutumnCrow yeah and now I see why dh is the way he is. But that's just a whole other story. I moved from a different country to England to be with him. Stupidly got pregnant the first year and when I had my son is when I stared to see what him and his family are like. Dh himself has major issues which I had no idea about prior to moving in. It's very difficult as I quit my job, left everything behind to move here. I had a great career and was well off for myself. When I moved here was when everything smacked me in the face and now it's very difficult to leave as I have my son. Now I'm dealing with MIL and Dh. But yes I think moving out somewhere is best except DH reFuses to as he thinks all this is normal and he thinks I'm just uptight and "can't have a laugh." I can have a laugh at things that are actually funny. Like I've explained to him. My son being obnoxious, rude, and aggressive isn't funny to me.

@SharingKindness I thought that. I thought it was her way of trying to bond with him as weird as her ways are which is why I bit my tongue for so long. But the thing is that everyday it's something new. Everyday she does something that I just don't understand. For example this morning: there's a neighbours cat who always sneaks out of its house and goes around the neighbor hood. Very beautiful/clean/well kept cat. A lovely old couple own it and since they have no kids they treat the cat like royalty. A way sometimes he comes to our front garden and when I'm there my son walks up to it and strokes it. It usually comes and goes. Well today as I'm washing dishes I could hear MIL saying to my son. "Yackkkk! Tell that yucky cat to go away! Shooo it away! Kick it!" Again with the kicking! I'm just so tired of it i just sigh. I peeked out and said "no. No kicking babe. It just came to say hello. Be kind to the cat." I would be absolutely mortified if that lovely old couple saw my son trying to kick their beloved cat. I told her today "Aw please don't show him to kick. Poor cats done nothing to him." And she said "ahh we're just having a laugh." And throughout the day she does these things. I try to go out as much as I can but lately with the weather. It's quite difficult.

@SandAndSea I just don't think she thinks what she does it wrong at all. So I think I'd offend her and I just want to keep peace with the in laws as much as I can since I moved here from a different country so have no family here. If things went sour with her she'd tell her daughter and other son and things would just be weird for me with the whole family which I don't want for the sake of my son. Before we moved in, her and I had a few little instances where I started to notice We were very different. I kept my distance and never really confided in her as she's shown me I can't trust her. I just can't wait to get out of this situation.

@EdtheBear I agree the best solution is to move out. I spoke to DH about it and he thinks the idea is ridiculous and he says I'm very dramatic and way to sensitive. He says to me "you're in England now, not your posh little neighbour hood back home." So for a long time I thought maybe it's just a cultural difference? But now I see it's not as everyone seems to agree it's kinda odd what she does. I told him it's got nothing to do with where I'm from it's just plain common sense not to tell my son to kick animals and snap his fingers at me. If I would've ever snapped my finger at my mum back home I would've got a smack.

Please don't let him convince you this is an English thing. It absolutely is not! Kindness to animals is generally considered to be very important here.

No it's not cultural, she sounds dreadful. I'd just force my husbands hand by having a massive ding doing with his mother so she insists we leave

It sounds like it might help you to get some support around you? Maybe join some groups?

Up till you said the bit about the dog I was on the fence but that is going too far. She's training your son to be an obnoxious brat who won't have any regard for his mom and moreover will put himself into dangerous situations (kicking a dog that then takes his face off). I would be out if there asap even if it was just me and little one.

I’d go back home to your parents, your DH can stay with his mum and get on a plane to see you. I couldn’t take that

This sounds dreadful. I think you need to move as soon as possible as your son is being taught some really nasty behaviours which will get him into trouble eventually. Your partner's attitude is equally worrying really.

Your husband needs a reality check - if he thinks this behaviour is acceptable let alone normal then he is delusional.

It sounds like you need to give your DH an ultimatum- either you all move out together or you take your DS and stay somewhere without him. He should be standing up for you no matter how ridiculous he perceives your behaviour (it's not by the way).

Unfortunately as you are aware you DS is at a very influential age and will continue to pick up on everything your MIL teaches him - some of it may be reversed when you live out but if it is reinforced enough over the next 7months then I'm afraid some of it will be too ingrained.

I hope your DH sees sense soon.

WTAcfualF is wrong with her? That would drive me mad. You need to spend a lot of time outside the house if moving is not an option.

Also tell her 'no'. And fuck her feelings.

If I was you I would get out now, even if you have to use money to rent for the time being.
My husband and I were in a similar position only it was my dad and it nearly caused me to have a mental breakdown. Just the anxiety of what is going to happen next, and if I mentioned I didn't want him doing or teaching my son things he shouldn't be doing and not respecting my wishes etc there would be an almighty row and of course I was always the one in the wrong.
It was like he would do it just to get a rise out of me.
I had to stick it out but if you have the money please get out of their house.
One thing that disappointed me was that he knew of a house going for rent and we could of had the house but he told the person whose house it was we didn't need one.
I think he just liked being in control of us.
The way he saw it was that it was his house and whatever in it was his including our son. It's nice of them to help out and take us in but it's not worth the anxiety and confusion to your child. You saying one thing and them doing the opposite. It's not good for your child.
Your partner won't see anything wrong because she is his mum. But as a mum your instincts kick in and you know it isn't right what she is doing.
It makes you feel like your going mad and being over the top as everyone else sees no problem with it but trust me your not in the wrong here.
As soon as you move out you will see.

Can you go home for a (long) visit.

My MIL is similar. She behaves like a child. She likes to talk about boobies and poo and stinky bums. She doesn't just allow the children to misbehave, she encourages it. It's pathetic. I know lots of grandparents like to treat their grandchildren, let them stay up late or buy them sweets... She just always has to take it too far. On top of that she regularly criticises the way we're bringing them up. I could never live with her so you have my sympathies!

No that is not normal, however at risk of bringing up the dreaded topic, is your mil more working class and your DH perceives you as more middle class? Perhaps if so he's feeling defensive and won't want to think the behaviour is wrong.

It's not an English thing, nor is it her age. Her behaviour is awful. Your DH is just as bad.
Do you have some where you could stay for a while ?

Teaching your Ds to kick animals is dangerous. What happens if a dog snaps at him or bites him.

Awful woman

Op the more you say the more I think leave. She is worse that i thought if she raised her son that way.
Have you put money into the house? What is your financial commitment.
I guess what i am really trying to get to, is can you afford to walk away and pick up your career in your own country?

I'd be giving it serious consideration.

"Yackkkk! Tell that yucky cat to go away! Shooo it away! Kick it!"

I fucking hate her.

@GummyGoddess I've put that into perspective. So I've tried to be understanding. Yeah I suppose I come from a middle class family back home. I'm a Montessori teacher. I work with kids 3-6. Mum is a behavioural therapist. (The irony.) dad has car business. So growing up my mom was really mellow, very sweet, always spoke to my sisters and I with respect and just normal I guess. So moving in here and hearing her cursing all the time and telling everyone to shut up sometimes it's just a major major difference to what I'm used to. For dh it's normal. I'm pretty much used to it now. The first year was really difficult for me to adjust to how she spoke but now I accept her ways. Except when she's influencing my son. Which is what I told DH. I said I don't care what your mom does or says, I accept her how she is, I actually get on well with her. But when she's trying to teach my son unnecessary aggressive things that's when I have a problem. I wish she just spoke to him normal, like a human rather than like something she uses to entertain herself to laugh. I try to understand that maybe she doesn't know any other way to speak to children or be with children, maybe this is how she was brought up and to her it's normal. But I just can't be okay with her constantly teaching him things I'm not okay with because when we move out I'm going to have to somehow reverse anything she's taught him. Like now im having to deal with him throwing food off the table and spoons because she taught him it was funny. I feel bad I'm having to discipline him on something he was taught. Makes me feel awful because he's really sweet and I've never had any issues regarding behaviour with him until now also she keeps telling him to tell DH to "shut up." I said "no you don't speak to your dad that way." And DH said "shut up ain't a curse word in England." They looked at me like I'm ridiculous and uptight. I'm really not, but to me growing up I would've never told my mum or dad to shut up. I would've got smacked. So now ds keep saying "shh up!!!" And they think it's hilarious. I just don't say anything anymore.

@EdtheBear well this is where it gets even worse. I was born in Mexico. I moved to America very young on a student visa. Once I graduated university I was granted a work visa. HOWEVER, I could not leave America or I lose my visa. I had an established career. I had a nice car, I had my own flat. I worked hard and it paid off. When I made the decision to move to England that meant me losing my visa. I was so in love. I was willing to do anything to be closer to dh. I moved to England, lost my working visa. Once in England, wow. Well everything changed. Dh is not the man I thought he was. He lied about everything pretty much. Was very abusive the first year. Knowing I couldn't go back to America he felt empowered. He became controlling. Stupidly I was pregnant. When I tried to look at moving back to America and getting a visa I was denied. Since trump has entered presidency he is no longer giving out visas to anyone who's Mexican born. Even though I lived there my whole life. So my only option is to move to Mexico. Somewhere I don't even know. I don't even know my family members there and I don't even know if my degree would even be usable there. I'd go to a country with no job, no house. Nothing. Which is why I'm still here. Thanks to my savings we got a mortgage under dh name. So right now we're tying to renovate. I'm actually in a really shitty situation. It's like a big nightmare. But for the sake of my son, I'm trying my hard to look past everything what's happened and trying to somehow keep going with life here in England.