Dread feeding DS, food throwing & refusal etc

[livingaftermidnight]

My DS is 1, he is lovely - generally happy and a good sleeper but dinner times are so stressful with him at the moment and I don't know what I should be doing / where I'm going wrong really. I think the problem is that he is so happy playing he never wants to sit still and eat properly.

Generally what happens is we give him spoon fed meal, savoury snacks, spoon fed dessert, sweet snacks. We've always done a mixture of spoon feeding and BLW.

Ds sits in a highchair with sesame street on (only time he watches tv, we find it gives him something to focus on) and we feed him a puree/spoon meal first, (something like spaghetti bolognese) he'll sometimes eat nicely, other times he'll smack the spoon out of my hand or just cry and try to grab it. I try to ignore these behaviours and if he flat out refuses to co operate and eat I'll move on to the next bit of his meal. Other foods he will just chuck off of his tray without even trying. I find it all so frustrating and it makes me dread meal time with him.

Yesterday I tried giving him his own bowl of food and a spoon and he got on fine for the first few minutes, was eating nicely... then he just chucked it all on the floor. I've also started to let him use his own spoon with yoghurts etc.

I just don't know what he should be doing at this age (FTM) and I'm not sure if I'm reacting appropriately to him throwing or dismissing food.

Can anyone help?

Hi OP

I do understand that mealtimes can be stressful because you just want your LO to eat well and happily.

But at a year old I think he's way too old to be having anything pureed or spoon fed. He's probably rebelling because he needs to take some control. What, when and how much you eat is one of the few things you can have control over when you're little. I would say he doesn't need to be in a highchair anymore either. You can buy a tall dining chair (IKEA sell them) or a little booster seat that straps onto a normal dining chair.

I think you need to take the pressure off. At a year old he can have anything to eat that you're having (just limit salt and sugar). No need to cook separately.

Could you spread a blanket on the living room floor and have a 'carpet picnic' with him? Lots of nibbly foods that you can both help yourselves to?

At mealtimes, try to eat with him and try not to comment on what he eats or doesn't eat. If he throws food on the floor, calmly take it away. It will be messy at first!

I would try to break the TV habit. Try eating in different places to break the habit - picnic, cafe, teddy bear's tea party etc. You could put music on or just sing and chat to him.

He'll get there, but the best thing you can do is try to relax. It's your job to provide him with healthy food. It's his job to decide whether to eat it.

DD wouldn't have been interested in purees by 12m. I was still chopping things up small but she was eating roast dinners, fish pie, spaghetti Bolognese etc.

Although it will be messy at first I think you need to let your DS take ownership of his meals by letting him feed himself and have plates of food with different components rather than all pureed together so that every mouthful is slightly different and he therefore has control to choose to have a bit of carrot next or whatever. It'll make it more interesting.

I think the messy eating phase is almost inevitable because you have to go through it at some point while they learn to eat independently.

I'd turn the TV as well as that isn't a sustainable solution at nursery, other people's houses, school etc.

I was finding dinner time quite stressful when spoon feeding so we just started putting it on DDs highchair (spaghetti bolognaise, chicken and mash, curry) whatever really and she was much happier feeding it herself with her hands and I was much more chilled out just sitting with her having a cup of tea.
Once she was done she’d start throwing the rest on the floor so I’d quickly take it away from her, offer her pudding and if she didn’t want it then dinner was done. I’d also try giving her smaller amounts then if she ate it all offer her more as sometimes a lot in front of her seemed overwhelming.
I wouldn’t still be giving purées at 1 to be honest; my DD was having proper meals by then and developing her independence about it.
I also made sure meal times weren’t too long, anything over 10-15 minutes was too long for my DD. I also used to imagine what it’d be like to have someone sat in front of me feeding me at their pace, especially getting stressed, with me having no control over how much I got and no way to say I need a break or I’m full and it put me off spoon feeding after that.

I agree with letting him feel he is in charge of feeding himself, but I would keep him in the high chair if he is very active. Try tandem feeding, he gets a spoon and you get a spoon and while he is mucking about, you can sneak a few mouthfuls in. As soon as he looks bored of the food, whip it away or he will throw it. It means you have to be very focussed at keal times. Then once the main is done, offer a few crunchy cracker type things, just two at a time. Then a few soft veg pieces again just two at a time. Then a yogurt with a spoon for him and a spoon for you. You hold the pot and let him get gis spoon in, then you sneak in a few. If you are holding the pot, then he can only throw the spoon. Try and teach him to “are you all done? Then give the spoon to mummy” with lots of praise if he does so. In fact any time he lifts something up (to throw) immediately say” oh you want to give that to Mummy, what a good boy” etc.
lastly try not to get hung up about how much he eats and what he eats. They have a way of regulating their intake that adults could learn from. Just make sure you dont offer a drink at the beginning of the meal and that snacks between meals are modest.

Try overcooked penne pasta. They can grab that in their grubby little paws and quite often it's the only thing they actually will eat at that age.

With DS particularly, we used to say that if it wasn't for pasta at that age he'd starve. We mixed pesto or passata through it.

Occasionally I would literally sit him on the ground on a bath towel and put the bowl of pasta in front of him. Half would go on the towel but I didn't care.

You just have to go with them at that age. Spoons are rather pointless. They just confuse and frustrate them. Between 1 and 2 they feed themselves like monkeys and cutlery just ends up on the floor.

BTW we also used to blitz cooked frozen veg down into dust essentially, and add it to the sauce.

So he thought he was just eating pasta, but it wasn't that bad.

Also cut up sausages. Lots and lots of cut up sausages.

My 1yo isn’t capable of using a spoon. I’ve tried giving him a spoon and helping him put food on it but he just waves it around. If I give him a bowl he’ll just tip the whole lot on the floor. If I give him finger food he just pokes it but doesn’t attempt to put it in his mouth (unless it’s a biscuit, then he is suddenly able to feed himself).

If I don’t feed him he won’t eat anything. Is there something wrong with him? How do I make him feed himself?

Bowbeau Does your LO hold toys and put them to their mouth to chew/suck on them? If so, I bet he could feed himself if he wanted to - like you say, he can eat a biscuit :)

Try just giving him 1 or 2 little things at a time rather than a whole bowlful. Peas and baked beans are great at this age. Pop a few on the tray or table in front of him and see whether he can resist picking them up. Or little bits of grated cheese, dry cereal etc.

My DC loved dipping at this age too. Breadsticks and hummus, soup and toast fingers etc.

Like OP’s baby, my DS just chucks food off the tray without attempting to eat it. Even if I just give him a couple of crumbs of fruit or toast etc. It gets poked and investigated and ends up on the floor - unless it’s a biscuit, then he eats it. Imo he could feed himself if he wanted to because he can pick stuff up and put it in his mouth.

Even if he has no teeth or not many he can still eat finger foods ect. And as for spag bol, I'd give my DC the spaghetti/pasta first so they could explore and eat and then spoon feed them the mince myself.
Also a ray of fruit, veg, crackers, bread, ect is good for them to get hand eye coordination, abd used to chewing! Bet he'd eat a slice of pizza too!
Ds is a fussy eater he is 3now but only really eats pasta, rice, cereal, crackers, fruit, cucumber, cheese, chicken (has to be on the bone - he refuses chicken nuggets) and lots of sandwiches! He's not fond of meat, he will literally only eat chicken, ham and sometimes pork balls from the Chinese! He hates vegetables and potato products, occasionally he will eat French fries style chips though!
Dd isn't fussy at all, she showed an interest in food from about 5m so I didn't take food off her which shed grabbed off someone else's plate. She's now 13m and can eat her cereal without spilling much, although I do still spoon feed her soup!

At 1 he's still very little for feeding himself with a spoon so I wouldn't worry about that. If he will let you feed him then continue to do it that way but also give him his own spoon to play with and finger foods at the same time. Mine started feeding himself with a spoon at closer to 16/17 months and would only do yoghurts to begin with but he's very quickly learnt to transfer the skills to everything.

Have you tried finger foods first, then a spoon fed dish? My 1 yo is a serial food thrower but feeds himself better at the start of the meal when he's most hungry. Then if he's not had much or has thrown lots of it, we'll offer a main dish on a spoon. Then if he finishes that, cut up fruit for him to feed himself. If he tries to grab the spoon, I'll let him have it the first time and if he tries to feed himself with it (rare) then all good, if he throws it then I take back control of it. He's not good at feeding himself anything with liquid/sauce as he keeps rubbing it in his eyes.

Ah, guys! thank you so much, so many helpful and thoughtful responses.

I think I know exactly what I need to do and thats ditch the purees! Highchair will have to stay because we have a tiny house and no dining table / eating area.

The point about giving him too much food all at once is very good too - because I'm like that, I'd always rather go back for more than have it piled up on my plate.

I feel so relieved!

Can I drop in here with a similar question.....

DS is 20 months. He throws everything on the floor. Sometimes he'll eat a bit, sometimes he'll tip it out of his bowl/plate, but inevitably most of it goes on the floor.
My carpet is ruined and it's so bloody infuriating! Why is he doing it?

To the pp (and actually OP as well), do you sit down with your DC and eat with them, or even if you're not eating, sit down with them?

I think this could also make a difference especially with the whole plate/bowl being tipped out as you'll be there to stop that happening. I think it's their way of communicating that they don't want it, but if they see you eating the same then it might encourage them to try more.

Alternatively, if that doesn't work, you could try ignoring them altogether. In the early days of eating, DD sometimes got on better without an audience (obviously you need to be keeping a close eye for choking though).

He's bored, you're stressed, it's no fun. Try to eat together to make it more of a social experience, if you're worried about how much he's eating you could still keep your current approach for one meal a day.

We have DD's highchair on top of a piece of wipe-down tablecloth, it's not too hard to clean so we relax about the mess. You can fold up and put away after if you want. I think if you try to avoid mess you just string it out really, they have to learn how to use cutlery etc eventually.

Don't watch how much they eat too closely, infant growth rate varies so some days/weeks they will be more or less hungry. It will get a bit intense emotionally if someone is watching over them fretting all the time!

If you eat together and talk during mealtimes, I think food throwing is less likely to happen as they'll be less bored.

Something I do with my 15 month old (which may be ridiculous advice) is when he doesn’t eat my lovingly prepared healthy meal, I give him a cracker or biscuit or something I know he will definitely eat, and I’ve found that after he eats this he moves into the dinner.

I wouldn't stress too much or over think it. My son was a lazy baby. He'd eat anything. ...as long as I fed it too him. He could feed himself but after a mouthful the food was just too tempting to play with and he'd rather squash or throw it. Daughter is opposite and refuses to be fed by anyone. Some days she'll eat brilliantly, others hardly at all. Think teeth have lot to do with it. They understand when they are hungry. If he's not interested, just try later. Avoid milk near dinner times or too much water. You can also get bowls with suction so they can't lob the whole thing at once. Or just put it on tray. Don't get too stressed. It will all change again in few months anyway!

Having similar issues to you, OP. DS is 12mo and honestly some days I could cry. Thanks for this thread and for pps’ comments- some useful views and insights.

I have a 13 month old and sometimes it’s like this. I do still do purée type things when I need to get something in him, particularly fruit purées with yoghurt. He’s not a massive complex texture fan, gags easily. We do a combo of finger and spoon food. He can feed himself but it would a) take hours b) get all over him so I try to find a compromise. It can be the most frustrating thing as sometimes he just decides he’s not eating.

At the moment he’s teething so it’s been difficult to much in him that isn’t gloopy. Plus it’s reignited breastfeeding in a big way.

How I deal with it: I try not to get stressed first of all. He’s 91st centile for height and weight, so he’s getting what he needs. Even on the days where I know he’s not had a right lot. I also think that eating is a sensory experience so sometimes if he wants to stick his hand in the bowl, or tear food up, or squeeze it through his fingers I just take that as part of the experience. To an extent. Or I line up peas or blueberries on his high chair and tell myself he’s developing fine motor skills and that’s what’s happening with eating today. He will be interested in what I’m eating but we don’t always eat together. I tend to sit with him when he eats.

Some days, when he takes a couple of bites of something and then bats the spoon away, I feel so frustrated. But I’ve learnt once he starts pushing away the spoon, or throwing things on the floor, he’s done with eating. I will offer something else and if that goes the same way I’m done. We can always eat something later.

He’s not big on protein. Things he’ll eat - peas, always peas. Little bits of cheese randomly. Macaroni cheese. Annoyingly he seems to react to both cooked and raw tomatoes although he loves them. Fishfingers. Toast. But not things on toast. Mashed banana and yogurt. Porridge. All fruit, he’d live on fruit if he could. Scrambled egg. Egg custards (I make these: one egg yolk to 200ml milk, little bit of maple syrup and vanilla essence, cook at gas mark 4 in Bain marie).

I totally planned to do finger foods from get go and eat what we eat, but turns out he had other plans so I just roll with it. The last thing I want is to make food fraught or a battleground.

Unless he’s underweight, I’d do a few things:

• put a doll portion on a mat (not bowl or plate so not throwable!)
• put a cheap shower curtain under the high chair
• distract yourself with food, chatting, bit of tidying nearby - anything that prevents you from counting mouthfuls and hovering / wiping / encouraging

They need much less to eat than you think at this age, and will vary hugely in appetite between meals.

Eat at the same time.

Children learn by copying at this age. How do you expect him to learn to eat if he is watching Sesame Street instead of you?

My Child Won’t Eat is also a good read. It won’t make your child eat, but it will reset your expectations.

thanks @reetgood some really useful tips, I think I'll give your egg custard recipe a go too.

Since making this thread I've really tried to relax around mealtimes, let him do basically what he wants with his food apart from throw it. Its made a huge difference. Now he's 90% feeding himself, even yoghurts! He's surprisingly good with a spoon although he holds it upside down. Sometimes he'll eat loads, sometimes little - but I'm trying to just go with it.

For the mess we bought a cheap shower curtain and had it under the high chair. Shoved it in the wash regularly and it kept the worst mess contained. It seems to have graduated to a painting cover now...