My adult daughter won't talk to me

[Pinkcat1]

Hi,
I'm new to mumsnet and do not have friends so cant talk to anyone except my husband about how sad I feel hence I am so desperate I joined. I used to have a close relationship with my adult daughter but she will now not really communicate with me preferring to just speak to her father, we are still a couple. He is baffled about how rude and uncaring she is towards me but will not confront on my behalf. I have previously tried to speak to her and thought we were sorting things out but things are getting worse. I have not been able to clarify, despite trying very hard, what I have actually done wrong. But she is just not interested in anything I have to say at all. I have a quiet personality so do not think I have bombarded her and always check she is ok, offer the odd treat ect such as lunch out or a shopping day. I cry so much because she will not return my love in even the smallest way. Just a text to say how has your work day been would be a start. I know I need to think about moving on but I am struggling and she will not talk about anything if I ask so I do not want to push her. She has had a typical family upbringing so no traumas. I have lost both my parents, my dad when I was 16 and my mum who was my best friend, died after having dementia 3 days after my first grandchild was born. I love my daughter and cant find a reason why she can't love me just a little bit back.
Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

That sounds tough (probably for you all).

What happens when you call her?

The last time you spoke to her, what happened?

(Asking gently), why do you have no friends? Do you have difficulty relating to people? Your daughter is not obligated to like you just because you are related.

Maybe think about making friends and learning to be a good one. Having other people in your life will take the pressure off this one relationship with your daughter, and the other relationships may help you see both sides of the one with your daughter more clearly.

Has she ever said anything at all about you? That she finds you too this or too that?

Is she an only child? What kind of age is she? Is this sudden or have you always had a slightly strained relationship?

How long have you not had a relationship with her? Does she still see your husband or is it only phone contact?

This sounds tough for you, especially as you don’t have support from your dh

Is there something you have been perceived to have done but maybe won’t acknowledge the deed?

Thanks to everyone.
When I call she usually does not pick up and if I text she doesn't answer or maybe will a week later. Last time I spoke with her she spoke to her dad and ignored the odd comment I made. I have work colleagues I talk to but not that I could share this with and I am really shy so would find it hard to join a club or something...good point though I really do need to be more assertive and get out there. I wish she would say something about me it would make it easier to understand to be honest. I understand that I cannot make her care but even my husband can't understand what is going on he tells me she has become selfish and just cares about herself. She is 29 and I have a son who is 27-no issues there but I would never tell him how I feel or discuss his sister with him-wouldn't be fair. She doesn't bother with him either and definitely he is not the golden child. As a teenager we had an amazing relationship its been the last few years but cant think of any changes to suggest a reason for the change.

I pass the time of day with my mother but could talk to my dad all day. I have nothing in common with her at all, I find her boring, selfish & lazy. She thought she was mother Teresa but she was actually an absent mother who passsd me from pillar to post so she could shag around. My father stayed with her.

I am not saying this relates in anyway to you but there’s usually a reason for a daughter to behave this way towards her mother.

I have absolutely racked my brains to try and find every fault I may have and how that could have upset or offended her. I'm obviously not perfect but try hard not to judge her choices and have always praised her parenting skills ect. My husband said she has turned very cold and will not let people in and I don't expect him to get involved really as he is probably scared it could effect his relationship.

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story I agree I must have done something but I just can't get to the bottom of it, maybe she finds me boring. I would like the opportunity, if I could find out what it is, to hold my hands up and say I am so sorry because I love her. I have tried this face to face with no success.

A friend of mine has twin girls who are 30. One is very close to my friend and they hang out together happily when they have time. The other is bitchy and dismissive and really finds her a chore.

My mum is very jealous and when i gave my Dad a hug the other day I saw her roll her eyes (she re-entered the room or i would have hugged her too).

I do think that mums and daughters have extremely complicated relationships. A lot of it, i think, to do with the Electra complex which is the female version of the Oedipal complex.

That's interesting actually because I think I can accuse myself of being jealous......you made me think....because she is not showing she cares maybe I am unconsciously showing signs of it to her because she is fine with her dad. It doesn't reach the core but maybe without knowing it I am making things worse?????

Sometimes quiet people are mistaken for stupid. I'm quiet, not shy, i just find entertaining myself easy and have almost no need for further interaction. I realised that my sisters especially but also my mum to an extent, don't respect that quality (or failing) in me. It took a lot of hard pushback from me to make them realise I'm different to them, not less than them.

Is she possibly misinterpreting your quietness for weakness?

When you said she was talking to her Dad but ignoring the comments from you were you chiming in on a phone call from the background?

Does she have young children and or a partner? Maybe she is exhausted from that and has no energy to think of you. No excuse but I am trying to think of reasons. Is she depressed? If your DH says she is uncaring and she takes no interest in you or her brother the problem may lie with her rather than you. If that is the case it will be hard to sort it out because it may not be anything you have done or not done but maybe her own unhappiness.

For your own health though I would try to back off a bit and rather than talking to her about you ask how she is doing or if you can help her out in anyway. She may have financial problems, or relationship problems and maybe finds her dad does not make any demands on her to work on a relationship, not saying you do but if you are making it clear you depend on her because you have lost your parents and don't have close friends she may find it a bit stifling. Not meant to upset you but just a thought.

Good point. I have a degree and responsible job working with teenagers and can engage at work but like you I am quiet but I definitely have the shy aspect to my character. She doesn't see or ever ask me about my job ….the work side where I have to make important decisions so maybe yes she does think im weak...
Regarding conversation it was a face to face conversation and they were talking and I just added to it but was ignored and talked over.

This is so sad - it would break my heart if this was my Mum writing this. ☹️

Sorry op but your dd sounds plain rude. You sound like you're bending backwards to figure out what went wrong when really she's just grown into a stuck up madam. I'd ask her what her bloody problem is.

Yes I had thought she may be stressed and tried to offer open support and a listening ear but that was rejected so I left it alone. Scared to say or do the wrong thing I think, in case I lost her altogether. I get what you mean about stifling and I have tried hard to give her space and not say oh you haven't text me ect.

This is hard for you.
Does she know you cry or has she seen you cry a lot? That would put her off as she would find it too needy. Maybe pull back a bit and do your own thing for a while. Send her a random message with a bit of news now and then with absolutely no neediness. Don't make any comment if she doesn't respond.
You said she is a parent. Do you help with gc or could she be in a huff over not getting enough help. On here some people seem to expect a lot. Or have you ever passed a remark about her dh that she would have taken to heart.
I have a friend who pulled right back from her dm when she passed a very nasty remark about her dh.

That made me cry...I would love my daughter to say that about me....she hasn't called me mum for some years...I would love to hear her say that during a casual conversation. x
On the flip sometimes I feel cross and want to scream.

Well it sounds like you have done all you can then. Sometimes people are just plain rude. Has she changed recently or has she always been a bit self centred? I think I would be polite but maybe be prepared to push back a bit if she is rude in your home to you. There is no way I would let either of my daughters ignore me. Bending over backwards to please her obviously does not work so maybe be less obliging and less treats, shopping days.

My friends twin daughter did that re the conversation. She was nice as pie to everyone else in the conversation but utterly ignored or was extremely rude and curt about any contribution my friend made.

I always struggled to respect and like my mum and it took a few years of counselling in my mid 30s to recognise and acknowledge that mum had actually done the rotten but essential bits of parenting and dad was always doing the nice bits.

Now I acknowledge that they are a couple, i can't see him alone, any socialising is Noah's Ark 2x2, and that is correct. It's not what i want, but she doesn't want to be left out - and she's right.

On my part i know it's raging Electra complex which is my failing, not Mum's. But I'm 50! It's been a long journey.

Just let her get on with it, there's nothing else you can do. As an experiment see if you can have a hair appointment next visit and let your husband socialise alone with her.

I work full time but have my grandchildren over to sleep for the whole weekend twice a month. I am so lucky to have them. I think it is good advice to just send the odd text to see how she is and not expect a response but keep lines open. She has never seen me cry about this situation I tend to bottle everything up this is the first time ive spoken about it and its pure desperation but so glad I did because everyone has been amazing