My adult daughter won't talk to me

[Pinkcat1]

Hi,
I'm new to mumsnet and do not have friends so cant talk to anyone except my husband about how sad I feel hence I am so desperate I joined. I used to have a close relationship with my adult daughter but she will now not really communicate with me preferring to just speak to her father, we are still a couple. He is baffled about how rude and uncaring she is towards me but will not confront on my behalf. I have previously tried to speak to her and thought we were sorting things out but things are getting worse. I have not been able to clarify, despite trying very hard, what I have actually done wrong. But she is just not interested in anything I have to say at all. I have a quiet personality so do not think I have bombarded her and always check she is ok, offer the odd treat ect such as lunch out or a shopping day. I cry so much because she will not return my love in even the smallest way. Just a text to say how has your work day been would be a start. I know I need to think about moving on but I am struggling and she will not talk about anything if I ask so I do not want to push her. She has had a typical family upbringing so no traumas. I have lost both my parents, my dad when I was 16 and my mum who was my best friend, died after having dementia 3 days after my first grandchild was born. I love my daughter and cant find a reason why she can't love me just a little bit back.
Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you everybody....the feedback has been amazing and although the issue hasn't gone away and im still feeling so sad its been so good to talk about it...at last.

Do you ever suggest to spend time with your dd? Do you suggest a coffee out or theatre trip?

I send mine daft pictures and stories I think will interest them
I invite them out

Little things add up - can DH meet her for lunch and then you go in his place or he can leave on an urgent errand -

I'm getting angry about this on your behalf. So you babysit her kids 2 weekends a month and she can't even be civil to you?
Your husband should be having a word with her, that's just not bloody on.
Where is his voice in all this?
I back my boys to hell and back but if they ever treated their dad like this I'd certainly be saying something.
Time to speak up for yourself op and if all else fails you can say you tried.

How long has this been going on for OP? And when did she have children?

I have had quite a difficult relationship with my mother since I was pregnant. She completely tried to take over and kept talking about how 'we' were having a baby and what 'we' would do with 'her grandchild'. It felt like I was carrying her baby. It peaked when DD was 9 months, I had to go to hospital in an ambulance and she didn't even ask if I was okay, or why I'd had to have an ambulance called just 'so I can have DD then' as I'd never let her have DD alone (and still haven't, even on the occasion) as I don't trust her (she has family members I don't want around DD for quite serious reasons which she ignores). She also treated my partner as if he didn't matter and as if he was an inconvenience as he was there to look after DD when I went out so we didn't need a babysitter. I understand she was excited, but she was unable to see that this was my life, not hers and it's ruined the relationship we had. She's also very jealous of anytime DPs family visit, which I find very childish. Although I don't ignore her, I do find her very hardwork and have distanced myself a bit.

This may be totally different to your situation obviously. I think if I couldn't see a reason I would have to outright ask her. And if she had no reason then try to move on and enjoy the time with the grandchildren.

Your DS is rude if she expects you to ban audit without any kind of relationship. Are you sure your DH isn't enabling her?

Babysit!

for you.

No words, I'm just so sorry about this.

Are the grandchildren who stay with you, your daughter's children?

Something is off here. It's not normal that your husband isn't saying anything.

I agree. He absolutely should be bringing it up with her if he's close to her and sees how upset you are and i cant think why he doesn't.

" Your mum really wants to have some sort of relationship with you but you keep pushing her away and it breaks her heart. What's the problem?"

Get to the bottom of it once and for all.
You definitely help with the grandchildren so it's not that.
Maybe you've spoilt her?

I find it hard to understand and if this was my family it would all be out in the open and discussed as I could not hide my upset.

It may just be that she feels she has nothing in common with you or you irritate her, and that may not continue for ever. I had a terrible relationtship with my mum for many years but I certainly had valid reasons for it.

Oh I’m so angry on your behalf. She doesn’t know how lucky she is

Why don't you just ask her op?

Maybe stop trying to work it out, You have tried, face to face and she isn't budging. I think she actually likes having you all worried and trying to figure it out. She is a grown woman.

You have done nothing wrong. My mum is deceased and I could never have hurt her like your daughter seems to want to hurt you.

Let her be.

I feel so sorry for you

But. Why are you passively letting her behave so badly and keeping quiet? Why don't you tell her she is hurting you? Write her a letter or email. Tell her how you feel and ask her what you can do to help improve the situation. Then LISTEN to her answer.

I do think there's something strange going on with your DH here too. Why is he happy to keep his relationship with your dd separate and not ask her wtf she is playing at? Does he benefit somehow from being the favoured parent and keeping you out? He needs to step up and support you.

He is baffled about how rude and uncaring she is towards me but will not confront on my behalf.

This would deeply concern me as he doesn't have your back and using the word 'confront' makes it sound like the start of an argument not a conversation. Your dh knows how much this is hurting you but cannot bring himself to say gently to his dd 'Your Mum really would like a closer relationship with you, can you tell me why you no longer communicate with her?'

Can i ask long marrieds - do you have any time alone with your adult children (and does your husband) or is everything done as a couple?

There is no way my dad would stand for my treating my mother like this.

Hi
I joined cause I saw this conversation, glad I’m not the only one! My daughter is 25 and hasn’t spoken to me since Christmas. We had words as her boyfriend had decided to take her to Egypt for Christmas. They were there when the bombs went off and she would not answer my texts to tell me she was ok. Then she sent me a happy new year text ( wasn’t expecting that). Between that and her coming home my mother had left a message on her phone saying how it was wronge the way she treats me and that if she didn’t change her ways she wouldn’t talk to her anymore . I knew nothing of this at the time but her boyfriend has been telling her it must have come from me, he also sent me a nasty email to this effect. He is really controlling and she thinks the sun shines out of his .....!
I’m divorced and she talks toher father although he has never been a hands on dad and has put our family though countless problems. I also have a son of 28 who wishes to stay out of it but she’s not talking to him either cause he was comforting me after the argument. Sometimes I cope but other times I get so low I cry for no reason and have no energy to do anything. Iv tried talking to her but she won’t even stay in the same room as me. It’s all very hurtful.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest and for any of you who have little ones enjoy then whilst they are young! x

Think your OP needs to have your back here OP. He absolutely should be gently asking your DD what the problem is.

Is it her kids you look after once a fortnight?

thigh we spend lots of time as a couple with our adult children. Two working and living away and one away at uni, but they are all home quite often.

DH goes to the football and goes out on his bike and running with DS1. He also goes to the gym with DD1.

I go away for the weekend about once a year with DD1 and DD2 and sometimes shopping or to the theatre.

If one of us is out, then the other one will quite happily spend hours chatting to any of the DCs who are at home. I particularly get on with DS1 and we make each other laugh a lot. We often stay up later than the others to chat.

I don't speak to my mum anymore. I know that she would say exactly the same thing as the OP. She just doesn't understand why. We used to be so close. I changed and became cold etc. The reality is that I told her that her behaviour was hurting me over and over again, over the course of many years. Then I realised I was wasting my time so stopped contact. She doesn't understand why because she doesn't want to understand because that would mean she'd have to change, and that's never going to happen.

So what do you think your daughter would say if we asked her why?

Pinkcat1 I hear you. We are in a similar position. We used to see our grandchildren three or four times a week. They are aged 2, 4 and 7. My daughter took offence to something I said (and it wasn't anything major) and that was that. Haven't seen the children for three weeks. She sent us a text message saying she was "going offline for a bit to focus on myself, my family and our needs atm so I will not contact you as often." I tried ringing her to no avail. School holidays start next week and we usually look after Age 7 when her mother works. Can't see that happening. We have done everything for daughter and grandchildren, have been at their beck and call, lent them money (which never gets refunded) and now this. I cry on and off all day, am waiting on my psych to get in touch, I can't stand seeing any children, have taken down all photos because it is too painful. My husband is suffering too. He's having a heart procedure on Friday and he's absolutely terrified he won't make it. I having spoken to her husband and he says "she's sensitive, we'll have you over for dinner soon". Age 7 has a birthday party on 6 July, can't see us going to that. I don't know what to do either. It seems to be an epidemic because I have hear of other family members and friends going through the same.

My 2 eldest, 28(Son) and 26 (Daughter) both live away from home (3/4 hours away) and have very little interest in, and contact with, me.
We haven't fallen out, but it's deeply upsetting that neither want me in their lives, or have any concern about my difficult day to day circumstances.
To cope with the hurt I try to frame the situation in a positive way rather than negatively, through the eyes of rejection and abandonment.
Throughout their childhood, I desperately wanted both of them to realise their full potentials, be successful, independant and above all happy adults.

Hopefully I achieved this so cannot now change the goalpost.
I really have no right to expectant to see them more than twice a year or have more contact than a brief WhatsApp ocassionaly.
I have to accept that they are living their own lives now which doesn't include me. Nothing prepares you for that though.
I take solace in the fact that I brought them up, to the best of my ability, under very difficult curcumstances.
There was, and is, no manual for everyone's different circumstances that require negotiating whist bringing up children.
I did, and could only do, my very best.
I know this won't have been good enough.
I quite often visualise myself standing on the doorstep, with one offspring in each hand, both as fledglings, gently setting them free towards the sky saying "Go free and live your lives.
My work is now done."
Don't know how helpful reading this will be, or how crazy it all sounds, but hopefully you can see you're not alone and certainly not the only one this is happening to.
I wish you all the very best with your relationship.

I think you need to be firm and have if out with her. Text her and ask her why she’s so rude (turn it around on her). If she ignores you then make it clear you won’t be taking care of her kids any more.