Can I just let the baby cry?

[mimosaic]

I wrote a couple of months ago about my challenging baby (sorry I don't know how to link). Said baby is 9 months now and no easier. Over the last couple of weeks, perhaps because she's got a cold and is teething, we've had a really rough time with no sleep and constant crying during the day. My mental health feels near breaking point.

I now take her out twice a day between naps. It usually involves a baby group, and going for a walk or visiting some shops. I have to do this come rain or shine, as otherwise I just can't manage her. She cannot seem to play independently at home, and needs my constant attention. Cooking lunch and dinner is PURE PAIN, as I'm perpetually dashing between her and the hob, and end up cooking whilst holding her. The house looks a mess and I feel even more stressed. I know other parents do this while the baby naps, but she won't nap unless I lie next to her (I'm serious).

I want to be a loving and patient mummy, but I'm really struggling. No other baby I know is like this. My question is, can I just let her grizzle and cry for a bit while I do essential stuff like cooking and cleaning up after meals? My mum is from the generation that says if the baby's fed and changed, she's fine, so let her cry. But this feels harsh to me.

What do other parents do?

PS we're taking her to the GP soon to check there aren't underlying medical conditions that are making her this challenging, but I suspect it's just her personality. She can't crawl yet, and in fact is a bit wobbly with sitting up, so that doesn't help either.

Could you sit her in the highchair with toys and snacks while you cook/ clean up?

Hi my baby is exactly like this. Google 'High Needs Baby' there's a facebook group of parents in the same position. I don't let my baby cry other than to run to toilet or grab a quick snack. Have you tried Little Baby Bum on Youtube it's skme kind of magic that holds my DDs attention long enough for me to have a coffee. I have noticed mine is better after she is well rested as well. Good luck, you are doing so well, it's unbelievable how hard it is.

My dd2 was like this. I could never be at home and it was exhausting, dd1 was probably similar aswell but at least I only had 1. I had to let her cry sometimes as I had another child potty training etc. I cooked with her in a sling, it was bloody ridiculous. Good news, she's a happy 2 year old now! Once mobile so much happier

Have you tried a sling? She could even go on your back at this age.
I’m glad you’re getting her checked as I’d think not sitting at 9 months may be a concern for her core muscles/muscle tone?
In response to your question yes she could be allowed to grizzle for a bit while you get on- would she be happier near you in like a wash basket in the kitchen while you cook? Or her high chair?

In a word: yes. Imagine if you had 2-3 other small children? I was like this with my PFB though. I wish I'd acted a bit more like I did with Dc2 and 3!

I think at 9 months it's ok to let them grizzly a bit.

My 7month old is going through a stage of being ultra clingy but I can tell the difference between his whiney cries and his 'I'm genuinely upset' cries. Of he's whinging, I just leave him to it in his high chair with toys. I'll still talk to him and acknowledge him, but just not pick him up.
He stops whinging after a few minutes and will resume playing with his toys. This only occupies him for about 10mins though but I guess that's expected given his age.

If she is fed with a clean nappy and not in any discomfort (ie the teething) then I would say grizzling is fine to leave. Put her somewhere where she can see you whilst you cook/clean.
If shes working her self up into a right state then maybe not, but I don't think a bit of crying whilst you cook dinner is going to scar her.

Demented - I do put her in the high chair with toys, but her game seems to exclusively involve pushing toys off her tray. I've tied a toy to the tray so she can't push it off, but she doesn't seem as interested in that one. Can you suggest any fun high chair toys please??

Babysleep - I'll join the group! And thank you thank you re Little Baby Bum, I'm checking it out right now. It's so, so hard, and the last few days I've been crying and feeling dreadful. And I'm not usually an emo person!

And i know they're frowned upon now but those baby walkers they sit in were good as the baby would be upright. Jumperoo type things were useful too. Just don't use them for an extended period of time and remove items at hand height and keep away from stairs

Is she mobile? My ds was like this until he could get himself to what he wanted.

I did to a small extent let him cry because otherwise I'd of never had hot food, clean clothes or a reasonably clean home. Tried to keep him in my eyeline, rotate different boxes of toys. He did nap independently though so that was my saviour.

Is it only you or could a friend/relative sit with them whilst you do a few jobs?

I was going to say the same as Aquila. I have 4, each one has cried more than the one before them.

Leaving them to whine and grizzle while you do a two minute job is fine. Keep her in her high chair or bouncy chair. Put her in a car seat and take her around the house with you while you tidy.

Thank you everyone. We do have a Jumperoo, which is sometimes effective.

My husband is very supportive, I should add. But he works full-time so it's just me during the day. The weekends are hard too, as I'm still needed for feeding and naps, and I feel bad not spending time as a family when she's awake, so I don't really get a break.

ANYWAY. I think you guys are saying some grizzling is ok, and that she'll improve when she's mobile. Is it concerning then that she's still a bit wobbly with sitting up at 9 months? She's a big baby (almost 10kg) so there's a lot of her. She can sit, but needs cushions around her as she can topple.

Yes you can let them cry a bit. In fact isn't the advice from the NHS that if you're feeling overwhelmed to put them somewhere safe, close the door and leave them for 10 minutes until you calm down a bit?

I think a lot of this is a change in parenting style. My mum said when we were babies the advice was to leave us in our pram at the bottom of the garden
(with a net over to make sure random cats didn't suffocate us)

Haha sarahET net for cats!

My mum was definitely not 'baby-led' in her parenting style. She said I was an easy baby, and as a child I remember she just did her stuff and definitely did not pander to me or give me a lot of attention. I want to be a more nurturing mother, but perhaps I could save my efforts for when DD is older...

Little baby bum on you tube is great for some down time it keeps them distracted while you can rest / do your chores.

My DD is a month younger than yours and we've had a very baby led approach so far. Unfortunately this has meant that we had no evenings whatsoever as she just wouldnt sleep and was cosleeping with us as refused her cot.

Anyway at the end of my tether I tried some gentle sleep training of settling her in her cot and then allowing a minute to cry. Then two mins. Then three. It's been 3 nights so far and she's slept in her cot all night for all of those nights so I am changing tack and continuing with this approach - better for us all I think.

We did controlled crying in the end with our eldest at about 9/10 months. It took one night and then she slept through the night. It's horrible listening to them cry but we were all so much happier getting proper sleep that I felt it was worth that one horrendous night.

Sounds just like my DS. He is ten months now. He is my first also. He is an angel when we're out and about and loves baby groups. Loves nosying. At home, he is "high needs".

I think a lot of it is to do with boredom and wanting to be constantly entertained. According to my mum this is my fault for giving him my undivided attention.

I'm going back to work next week and DS has started nursery already. The staff say he is an absolute pleasure. When I pick him up in the evening he is like a different baby. I enjoy the days he is with me so much more now. Although I feel we have to be out of the house twice a day to keep him entertained.

I wouldn't worry about your DS not sitting up completely independently and for long periods just yet. It sounds like he is getting there and that he has good head control and some trunk control.

I see babies at groups who are crawling etc so early. My DS is quite happy to be carried about. He will only pull himself along the floor when he really really wants something. His sitting balance has improved massively in the past few weeks. He was a late roller also.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing a great job. I'm hoping that DS is more secured attached as I try to respond to
his needs as best as I can.

Could you try putting the dinner in the slow cooker first thing when your husband is home and maybe having lunch prepared in advance?

Sorry, your DD, not DS!

Ps try not to worry about the house too much. I try to do break jobs down and try to
do a bit every day to keep on top of it. Kind of like my own version of The Organised Mum Method. I do one load of washing a day and then I can fold it while sitting on the floor beside DS for example.

I was very “no tv until 2!” when my baby was first born but this is exactly why I broke my own rule... bit of Daniel Tiger on Netflix is a lifesaver when I’m trying to cook

Mine is the same. Agree that Baby Bum is a lifesaver if you need baby to sit quietly for a few minutes. It’s also on Netflix if you want to put it on the tv. I’ve been known to cook with a baby carrier on my back, or sit him in the high chair beside me and sing to him while I’m busy. He likes to be given a spoon to hammer on the tray with, he tends not to throw that on the floor as much. I haven’t found a solution for him wanting to sleep beside me unfortunately.

Everyone I know who's tried sleep training tells me their little one slept through after a few nights. We tried it at 6 months with a sleep consultant's support and it just did not work. She would cry and cry all night - I really admired her dogged determination. She got slightly better, as in down to 3 wake-ups/feeds at night and then into our bed at 3/4am, but then would relapse whenever she got a cold, and forget all her training. Sigh. Perhaps I should give it another good go.

Bowbeau - I like the idea of letting her bang a spoon on the tray. She tends to throw all toys off the tray, but perhaps something she can bang might appeal more!

Littlemisscynical - I do sort of do the slow cooker thing, albeit without a slow cooker. I chop all the vegetables and do all the bits of cooking that require two hands at the start of the day, and then later do the actual cooking whilst holding her. A sling is sometimes employed too, if the cooking isn't too splashy!

Yes you can let her cry. Get a playpen if you haven't already. Brilliant things.