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Original poster

How can I help DS and DD cope emotionally when I'm away on work trip?

26 replies

funnyfoursome · 25/01/2019 09:33

Hi! I've been a SAHM since my two were born. Odd bits of work and rcently became Work at Home parent. I'm suddenly off to India for 11 days leaving DH in charge (that's another topic!).
There will be the chance for video calls but I don't want to promise they will be nightly although the time difference is OK
As my 2 love advent calendars, my main idea is to leave an envelope for them toopen for each morning with a heart post it note inside with a message, and a small joint present for each of the 2 weeknds, ie Dobble and Lego. Maybe a chart with days to tick off?
And get them involved in preparation eg looking at maps .. Any other ideas I can use please?!

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FloatingthroughSpace · 25/01/2019 09:35

I'd be a bit more low key than that. You don't want them to think they can't manage a few days without you.
A breezy "of course we'll miss each other, but I will phone when I can and Daddy will be great at looking after you - and I will bring home a surprise each from India!" Would be much better at teaching them resilience rather than dependency.

Wolfiefan · 25/01/2019 09:38

How old are they
That seems a bit OTT to me. Like you think they can’t cope without you. Not sure how looking at maps helps. Be matter of fact. It’s less than two weeks. They’re with their dad. Is this more about how you think he won’t cope than about your kids? If so you need to work that out.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 25/01/2019 09:40

How old are they? I didn't do anything like that on my first work trip away from home (a week; DC were 2 and 3) and they both coped fine!

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TheBhagwan · 25/01/2019 09:41

That all sounds nice. Although are you sure they are going to have a hard time? They will take their cues from you so the bigger deal you make of it the more they will think it’s something to be anxious about. I travel once in a while and I give my kids a big hug and kiss and that’s it. We try to FaceTime every few days but honestly the kids are fine either way. It’s more for me really. But my DH and I have always shared parenting duties as equally as possible so I have no worries at all about leaving them all. I’m primarily a SAHM and I handle more day to day management, so I make sure all scheduling things are on our shared google calendar (swim lessons, play dates, etc) and do a big ocado order and the rest DH handles on his own.

jamaisjedors · 25/01/2019 09:41

I agree, don't build it up too much.

I find when either DH or I are away, the DC are not that bothered about speaking to us, it's quite frustrating for them and can be upsetting.

Better to get into a new routine. Ticking days off just focuses their mind on you being away.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/01/2019 09:45

Honestly.... i think you're making way too big a deal of it. Sure they'll miss you but that's not a bad thing. They will survive without you you know

TulipsInbloom1 · 25/01/2019 09:47

How old are they?

Believeitornot · 25/01/2019 09:49

Are you sure this isn’t about you missing them?

When I’ve been away from work trips, I just keep it matter of fact. My dcs get upset, I comfort them and we keep in touch but no way would I do anything like advent calendars etc. That seems a bit much.

Haffdonga · 25/01/2019 09:50

I agree that I would keepit low key. By encouraging them to count down the days and giving them daily presents you are reinforcing the idea that you going away is a terrible experience that you have to compensate them for somehow. What message does this give about their dad?

You poor babies. Mummy's abandoning you and your father is not as good at parenting as me. You're all going to have a terrible time and I feel so guilty.

Instead, paint it as a positive experience for everyone. Tell your dcs and dp how lucky they are and what a fab time they'll have together . It's great because they will all have their own special time together. All your rules will go out of the window as their dad can make his own special dad treats and rules.

You will miss them more than they will miss you so don't be smothering them with your angst about going.

Oblomov19 · 25/01/2019 09:51

Seems OTT. Mine don't barely miss me at all when I go away for a few days.

Doidontimmm · 25/01/2019 09:53

The greatest gift you can give your dc is independence, resilience & self esteem. You are coming across as if the world is going to end for them because you are going away!!

CMOTDibbler · 25/01/2019 09:53

I've travelled for work since ds was 6 months old (and for 6 years before that). Don't build it up, and unless they are older (like 10+), I think video and phone calls make it worse. Its only now that ds is 12 that he really wants to talk to me, but will WhatsApp me bits and pieces.

Just really matter of fact, 'mummy is going away to work for a few days, daddy is in charge' is quite enough.

PoshPenny · 25/01/2019 09:58

That sounds way OTT to me, I used to have to go away for 3 weeks at a time trips and never did anything like that. I would always bring them back a present, some of which were quite good/expensive depending on where I was and how much I was saving. Mine were 8 and 9 ish so fully aware of what was going on.

In the nicest possible way, I think you're overthinking this I really do. Phoning/FaceTiming is all you need. In fact you can share so much now thanks to FaceTime and amazing phones than it was ever possible to years ago (like the monkeys in the trees whilst I was eating breakfast). They won't forget you in 11 days, and they will survive with their dad looking after them!

ajandjjmum · 25/01/2019 10:08

DH and I went away a couple of times when our DC were 6/7/8. We left them a present to open each day (budget £1 each), together with a note 'I hope swimming goes well today', 'good luck with the maths test' etc.

Now in their 20's, they tell us that they can't really remember us being away, just loved having the presents!

ecuse · 25/01/2019 10:11

In my experience Skype makes it worse rather than better while they're little. They're doing fine until they see you, then as soon as you appear in the screen they cry for you, and you can't cuddle them.

DearTeddyRobinson · 25/01/2019 10:49

How old are the kids? This seems way OTT and will make it seem an even bigger deal to them IMO. I went on a 10 day biz trip last year (first time away from the kids who were 2 & 5), we all missed each other but lived to tell the tale! Just tell them you will bring them back loads of presents, they will be fine.

Fabaunt · 25/01/2019 10:57

Way over the top. You’re building this up into a huge big deal when it’s not. I’d focus more on practical stuff like batch cooking and freezing some dinners etc and bring them home a little gift from India. A love calendar ffs.

Gumbo · 25/01/2019 10:57

I've worked away since mine was tiny, he's never had the slightest issue with it. He rings me before school, then we chat about his day later, but other than that it's not a big deal.

Just hug them and give them a cheery 'goodbye' when you leave, whatever you do don't make a huge thing about it or act like you're going off to war!

Also - top tip - if it looks like you're going to be travelling a lot in future don't fall into the trap of buying them a toy at the airport, or they'll expect it every time and it doesn't take long to run out of shite to buy them, and it gets increasingly more and more expensive trying to be creative!

Thiswayorthatway · 25/01/2019 11:00

Sounds a bit OTT. How old are they? They will be with DH and frankly might not miss you that much.

Original poster

funnyfoursome · 25/01/2019 13:35

OK thanks, I didn't mention that DD has been showing signs of separation anxiety and selective mutism at school. Thank goodness the selective mutism has disappeared this term, but she is pretty clingy and it's always to me. She is in Reception with an end of August birthday

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GreenandBlueButterfly · 25/01/2019 13:35

Sounds very OTT. Their father will be with them. You can just explain that you'll call when you can, and that mums have to go back to work at some point.

I'm sure they will be fine. Don't pass your anxiety onto them

MrsJayy · 25/01/2019 13:39

I would play it cool mummy is going off for a few days for work daddy will be there for you, if you make a huge deal of it you might makeher anxiety worse promise to phone/video and bringing back of presents.

MrsJayy · 25/01/2019 13:41

I would quietly build up to it by having dad do stuff for them and withdraw you doing/being everything.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 25/01/2019 13:43

I understand you are worried about leaving them but the more you talk about it the more time they will have to worry and get anxious.

I am however amazed that in 4 and 1/2 years they have never been left alone with their father in sole charge. He is I am sure a very capable human being and parent. He will do things differently but the children will be fine.

Just tell them on the day that you are going on a plane to do some work and you will be back soon. Truthfully it would probably help your daughters clinginess to understand that sometimes dad will be the one looking after her.

Original poster

funnyfoursome · 25/01/2019 13:49

OK mumsnetters thank you for your collective wisdom and giving me a reality check - am off to sort other things now

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