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Parenting

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Original poster

Grown lay about and abusive son refuses to leave home

37 replies

Oxfordgirl2 · 22/01/2019 14:10

I'm living with a wonderful widowed man who has a grown up son aged 25. The man has moved into my house with me and the son still lives in the family house in the same town. The son refuses to work even though he is more than capable. He drinks, smokes and takes soft drugs during the day whilst lying in bed. Various friends and girlfriends stay over regularly. Since my man moved out, the son has wrecked the house. Doors are smashed, rubbish is piled up, there is even pools of sick left uncleaned. I cannot begin to describe the filth. My partner is distraught and doesn't know what to do. He pays the mortgage on the house, all the bills and provides his son with a car, a phone and money to buy food. The son gets cash from various family members who think they are helping. I am horrified by the situation whilst I also appreciate how difficult it is for his immediate family. I don't want to come across as the wicked step mother here but if he was mine, some tough love would have thrown him out. He won' t end up on the street, he has many friends and relatives. He is also entitled to benefits which he refuses to collect at the moment. This situation is effecting my relationship. Financially, the burden is huge and we cannot plan for our future until this is sorted out. I have also lost some respect for my partner who will not do anything about this and is being manipulated by his son who knows dad won't kick him out and just tells dad to f* off when he brings up the subject. I would love to hear how people have dealt with similar situations.

OP posts:

Fabaunt · 22/01/2019 14:40

I would cut the money off immediately and look for rent to stay in the house. If he isn’t capable of keeping the place clean or paying rent, then he must find somewhere else to live

SnowdropFox · 22/01/2019 15:34

I agree with pp. What incentive does he have to get a job/go into higher education/claim benefits etc if everything is handed to him on a plate. Time for some hard love. Your partner needs to make some clear, reasonable, enforceable conditions to him staying in the house. If he doesn't follow them then there must be consequences which could eventually mean he must find somewhere else to live.

Time for your partner to stop being taken advantage of.

SnowdropFox · 22/01/2019 15:34

Or what I should say is time for your partner to stop let himself being taken advantage of!

Singlenotsingle · 22/01/2019 15:37

Partner needs to change the locks, get a house clearance company in, and put the house on the market.

RomanyRoots · 22/01/2019 15:39

Well, your partner will have to sort him out or lose you, I imagine.
Nobody should have to live like this, he isn't your responsibility.
Tell your partner to sort it out, partner ultimatum time.

user1494670108 · 22/01/2019 15:44

If you stay with this partner the son will always be there and likely will always be an issue.
If you stay together can you put up with this shit for another 20years?

woolduvet · 22/01/2019 15:51

Your partner could always move home to sort him out. He's not that involved because I presume you have a clean house with doors, heating water and WiFi.
Send him home for a bit to sort him out, if he can't I'd turn the WiFi off, then the heating etc. Then I'd change the locks.

Original poster

Oxfordgirl2 · 22/01/2019 16:00

Thanks everyone. I feel the same way but I'm not a parent myself so wonder sometimes if I don't fully understand. If you demand the child leaves or pays rent and that child refuses to leave, are you as parents prepared to throw them out by the scruff of the neck? I think I would- but I'm not a mum.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 22/01/2019 16:05

He's not doing his son any favours though, is he? He's enabling a grown man to be a cross between Jabba the Hut and a Haribo advert.

blackcat86 · 22/01/2019 16:10

Could he sell the car to pay for repairs and cleaning of the house? His son doesn't need a car if he doesn't work. Where does he actually need to get to that he couldn't use public transport for? The pp poster who said that having dad at yours makes it all too easy is right. Presumably he isn't sharing the bill equally with you whilst paying his son's way? This then makes it your issue and dad needs to step up and sort it out xx

Drum2018 · 22/01/2019 16:13

He should sell his house so that the son will then have to sort himself out. And under no circumstances allow him to stay in your house as a stop gap. He's old enough to fund himself. Your partner is simply enabling this appalling lazy lifestyle that his son has become accustomed to. If he continues to do so can you see yourself supporting him until the son is 30/35? If not then maybe it's best for your partner to move back home until he can sort the situation out.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 16:14

It's very difficult OP because the son has not got his mother, so dad feels obligated or guilty. The son is playing up and getting away with it. Presumably father wouldn't mind him being there if he payed some rent/worked and kept the house clean. I would be very surprised if son changes his ways following any serious talks about it all. He is obviously very childish because he probably resents you being in his father's life, and leaving him there to move in with you. The fact he's taking drugs? And/or drinking is going to hinder any real progress.

Original poster

Oxfordgirl2 · 22/01/2019 16:17

He does pay half the bills at my house- I wouldnt have it any other way- but that makes the financial burden huge and ultimately that does effect our future. However it is not just financial- I am losing respect for him and want so much to understand why he cant be his usual assertive self in this situation. I suspect it may have to do with his wife's death. I know its still wrong and everyone is badly effected. I'm looking for a practical approach with the least impact on relationships and some insight so I can support my partner in the best way possible.

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 16:18

Having said that I would give him a chance to at least keep the house clean to start with. It's no good wanting him to change everything overnight. How long has his son been drinking and taking soft drugs.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 16:23

It's likely it's got alot to do with his mother's death. How long ago was it and how, but don't say if you don't want to. It doesn't change the fact what he is doing is wrong he's probably hurting or never dealt with her death properly and it's coming out now his dad has moved in with you. What was he like before his dad met or moved in with you.

Original poster

Oxfordgirl2 · 22/01/2019 16:29

Only known them both for 2 years and house was a bit of a disaster (but not like it is now) when I first met my partner- but they had a cleaner. Mum died 3 years ago- yes a lot of unresolved anger there. House now a serious health hazard- flies, rotting food, a year's worth of rubbish piled up.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/01/2019 16:32

I think your partner needs to move back into his house. He needs to speak to the relatives who are giving his son hand outs and enabling him to live like a pig. He needs to get the house cleaned up (needs must) and put it on the market. Unfortunately he is losing control because he is not living there.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 16:43

So it was only a year before meeting you (Not blaming you in any way op) From the sons point of view a year is nothing. What is his son like with you? That amount of mess will have to be addressed asap.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 16:51

So the house was a bit messy anyway and presume the cleaner stopped when dad moved in with you? Yes to pp the relatives have got to stop enabling him. The relatives should have the sons interests at heart, so a starting point would be for dad to talk to them and have a good talk with his son. Does his dad and relatives see much of him or do they just give him money but leave him to his own devices?

Roussette · 22/01/2019 16:59

Sorry but your partner sounds very weak. Why the heck is he paying everything for a 25 year old?! So what you're basically saying is... he bankrolls his son (phone, money, bills, car, house) and that son just dosses about.

I would've lost respect for your DP a long long time ago.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 17:06

Oxfordgirl, just read your first post. Would the friends and relatives put up with him living with them though? It's hard to work out how much of it is taking the P, with all the gifts and money thrown at him, how much is genuinely being affected by loss of his mother and how much is trying to undermine your relationship. Probably a mixture of all three. How is his demeanour though? Does he seem happy? If so I guess he's just taking the P.

Silkie2 · 22/01/2019 17:14

This would put me right off the DP. Perhaps the DS is some throwback, inheriting bad genes from some ragamuffin past GP but really something has gone seriously wrong with his upbringing, and his parents must be responsible for much of that, and though he might change, he might not and you could be dealing with his lack of finances/ drug problem etc long into the future.

EngagedAgain · 22/01/2019 17:35

Oxfordgirl, unfortunately Silkie could be right which will seriously challenge your relationship. I wouldn't worry about that yet and for the time being start addressing these issues. I don't see why other people should have to put up with the son, especially if he starts stealing money off them. If I were you I'd give it more time, say a year tops. It would be a shame if it comes between you but you can't know yet how it will pan out. Good luck.

MumUnderTheMoon · 22/01/2019 22:24

He isn't helping his son he is infantilising him. He should evict him legally from the house and tell his son that he loves him but will no longer financially support him.

Original poster

Oxfordgirl2 · 23/01/2019 12:28

Thanks everyone for your opinions. It is good to know that my stance to evict is not considered unreasonable by others- This was a good litmus test among parents. I agree with pretty much all that has been said although of course the situation is complex and emotional and wrapped in grief, it also needs some tough love for long term benefits for everyone. Thanks so much. Speaking to partner tonight and laying down conditions as I cannot live with this anymore.

OP posts:

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