Grown lay about and abusive son refuses to leave home

[Oxfordgirl2]

I'm living with a wonderful widowed man who has a grown up son aged 25. The man has moved into my house with me and the son still lives in the family house in the same town. The son refuses to work even though he is more than capable. He drinks, smokes and takes soft drugs during the day whilst lying in bed. Various friends and girlfriends stay over regularly. Since my man moved out, the son has wrecked the house. Doors are smashed, rubbish is piled up, there is even pools of sick left uncleaned. I cannot begin to describe the filth. My partner is distraught and doesn't know what to do. He pays the mortgage on the house, all the bills and provides his son with a car, a phone and money to buy food. The son gets cash from various family members who think they are helping. I am horrified by the situation whilst I also appreciate how difficult it is for his immediate family. I don't want to come across as the wicked step mother here but if he was mine, some tough love would have thrown him out. He won' t end up on the street, he has many friends and relatives. He is also entitled to benefits which he refuses to collect at the moment. This situation is effecting my relationship. Financially, the burden is huge and we cannot plan for our future until this is sorted out. I have also lost some respect for my partner who will not do anything about this and is being manipulated by his son who knows dad won't kick him out and just tells dad to f* off when he brings up the subject. I would love to hear how people have dealt with similar situations.

Making troubled young people homeless doesn’t make them less troubled, just means they will probably end up more troubled.

Still, as long as your man has you OP.

I'd have big issues with a father giving his son money to buy drugs.

As that is the reality of this.

Your partner should work out a timeline that he wants to see changes in, with the consequence of eviction if not followed.

Eg no drugs to be taken in the house at all, and attendance to AA or similar must start within one month (enough time to find a group and work out when it is and where it is etc)

After 2 months the house needs to be clean - detail this so no arguments (eg all rubbish removed, carpets cleaned, windows washed...)

After 3 months handouts cease, car is sold and he hands back his mobile, and he must have a job (or be studying full time and getting benefits) and be paying market rent (or 1/3 of his benefits if studying).

After 6 months he needs to still have a job (or not kicked out of uni), not missed any rent payments, and still going to AA and keeping off drugs and alcohol and keeping the house clean

At this point engage a real estate agent to draw up a formal lease agreement and treat him as a tenant.

Agree that your partner needs to get tough with him but there isn't any need to kick him onto the streets with no warning. He might be salvageable as a human being and since he is your partner's soon he would probably like to give his kid the best chance possible at succeeding in life.

Yes- already done all of the above TigerQuoll.

....and no engagement- just anger and refusal to comply with any reasonable terms we put to him.

...all except cutting off payments that is...but he would literally sit in the dark with the power cut off. Having terms are all very well but what do you do when they are not followed?

If it was me i would wait until he goes out, change the locks and cut off financial support.
Your poor dp.

Totally agree Catniss, but the trouble is these things usually start of with well meaning parents, and the money is meant for basics mainly food say, and before parents realise it's going on the high life it's spiralled out of control. Parents just keep trying to help, but eventually have to give up if the adult children don't, can't or won't change.

I'm with cookies if you've tried all the suggestions.

@Oxfordgirl2 try talking to legal aid. He probably has squatter's rights and you can't just wait until he leaves and then change the locks and chuck his stuff out onto the footpath. Legal aid should be able to give you some steps you can take to safely and legally remove him. Best to begin sooner than later because it might take some time (eg you have to send a registered letter, then give them a certain about of time, them do the next step, etc).

And of course ask the other family members not to give him any more money

You could suggest selling the house or letting it out and for the son to houseshare with people. Housemates (hopefully) would be able to encourage him to tidy up after himself. Even if your partner pays most of the sons rent for a couple of years I think it would be good in the long term- financially and emotionally for everyone.