Why are other parents so judgemental & closed off?

[AlphaFemale86]

I've had this issue for a while now, my daughter stated school this year & initially I was so excited as I thought it was great the opportunity to make some friends with other parents. I'm new to place I live and don't know many people. Anyways my daughter started school and she's doing fab, has made loads of friends and I'm so happy for her! But the parents of some of these children are closed off and always in their own little cliques. They don't seem to want to get to know new people and believe me I've tried, I've always been nice and gone out my way to engage people in coversations etc. I just wish it was easier to make friends as a grown up 😂 does anyone else find the school playground So clique among parents??

oh god yes! It's really hard work.

I think you can be lucky and find some friendly, open people in the school playground but in my own experience I've made much better friends through my outside interests. If you can join stuff outside the school environment I'd really recommend it.

I used to dread the school run and love that my kids walk themselves to school these days. I did make a big effort and knew loads of the mums through the PTA but found a lot of the other parents were closed and clique.

Yes, the one part of being a parent I hated the most was dealing with other parents, right from toddler group up until older childhood.

It was probably partly because I was a young single mum in an area where that was not the norm, so faced a lot of judgement.

I wish I had learned right from the beginning to ignore all of the bullshit and competitive parenting, bitchiness and cliques.

I've been lucky enough to have made a few parent friends outside of the school & those are the people I stick by. They're non judgmental and very open. I just find some of the parent groups at the school very clique and it's horrible. They actively judge other parents and you can see them all standing in a corner on the playground. I think you'd need to be a special kind of person to be as mean as some of these parents can be. We're all grown, our kids are at the same school & play together, stop acting like you their age & be accepting of other parents.
If I see someone standing alone and they look bored stiff waiting for kids to go in and out of school I'll always say hello, if they want to chat I'll engage them in a convo even if it's just about the weather and how their kid is enjoying school.
Long rant I know but standoffish and clique people annoy me 😂😂

Some of the people you are calling cliquey maybe just want to talk to their friends. That is okay, they dont have to include others.

I’ve thought about this, I also struggle.
Closest I’ve come to understanding is this, when I go to work the people can be stereotypical somewhat. They work in the same industry, they usually have the same professionalism, age and education levels.
Whether you holiday at campsites or private resorts you meet like minded people. When I think about it I can usually find plenty of similarities in social groups, even down to the Lidl and Waitrose crowds.

The only thing linking school parents as a social group is having children (about the same as saying everyone has two legs), and geographical location to the school. To me that means an extremely random collection of personality types. Just like the school kids, parents gravitate towards their social types.

Everyone finds their cliques, unfortunately though, any parents we might like are probably avoiding the playground and judgy people also.

I don’t think there’s that much time to firm friendships at pick up. Sometimes people appear to be sitting and chatting in a group . On the occasions when I feel like a natter , I find that if I just go and sit next to people and just join in ,people are fine and they don’t really know each other that much either , just making conversation before the bell rings. From the outside I might look like part of a group , though I don’t know their names or who they are. I think just go on as you are , being friendly and chatty if you feel like it. You’ll get to know others better when you stay to chat after play dates or birthday parties .

I wonder what you mean by people standing in a corner being mean? In what way ?

To be honest i think lots of people struggle in our yard I wouldn't say it's clicks most people speak to you but sometimes its dad/ grandparent/child minder picking up I think everyone seems nice. I do I feel I made a good start but I'm really no further forward now. One mum I really like started work full time so is now super busy so we had done a few meet ups and coffee and get on well but now don't see her. Another mum has younger children and very busy if I ask for a coffee she usually says yes but feel like I don't want to pester her. Some others added me on Facebook but in person we have small chat but don't really get any further I think a lot have older children and just know each other already and have established friendship groups. I've started chatting to another shy mum I like her a lot and hope we will be friends. Sometimes I think I'm getting somewhere then don't see them for a while it's hard as I hoped to make good friends aswell and I do feel like I maybe was starting too the mum with younger children invited me over a few times but we seem to have lost momentum a bit and o don't want to always be asking people. Are they any other mums standing on their own ? I would try chatting to them .How do you know the group are judging people ? it could just be they are all already friends from playgroup or older children ? Good luck I find it hard aswell

I haven't had that or found that at all. Only one woman is a cliquey weirdo who refuses to talk to any other woman not in an amazing employment. But every one else has been lovely.

Being mean, how? Sometimes the mum's do stand around in corners, then you get close and they're talking about how to tackle the kids hatred of homework or asking how the others cope with getting theirs to go to bed on time etc. Maybe you're just being a wee bit paranoid.

In what way are they mean? How do you know they’re judging?
Some might just be comfortable in their friendship groups. They may have been friends for a long time. Others might just not feel like chatting and that’s okay too.

Generally I find the school run fine and chat to someone in the yard most days. Some days I’m too tired/ grumpy/lost in thought and might only say a quick hello without really engaging. It’s not nasty, I just do t gave the head space at that point.

I think you are being unfair. I’d love to make more school mum friends but I drop and run and usually pick up and run due to work commitments. Am not in a clique but do chat to one or two other parents that my kids know the children.
Am not judging and am not being unfriendly.

Some people are cliquey because it makes them feel safe.
My dd is secondary now so it's less of an issue. I'm an older mum and from out of the area so I had no choice but to find a way that works without instant mates.
I smiled at everyone at drop off time (MiL did pick up). If someone looked up for a chat, I would chat. If not, I'd leave them be. I wouldn't assume someone up for a chat one day would be up for it the next and vice versa.
By chat, I mean "the weather", "the latest school Project". That kind of thing.
It's hard when you are isolated and feel lonely. I really get this. Fake it to make it. As with so much in life.

What are your examples of them actively judging people and are there any alternative explanations?

So far, I am thinking this is just how it goes when, for example, you get a group of women who maybe were at school together themselves and then have kids in the same school (common at my kids school) or parents on their third child at this school, so known some other parents for 10+ years. So you chat.

So far, nothing you posted suggested my alternatives might not be true instead.

What is it you think they're judging? Is there something about yourself which you expect people to judge and are defensive about? Being younger or older than the typical parent of a 4-5 year old in your specific location, or having a large number of very visible tattoos and piercings, or big off lead dogs with you? Why do you think they're judging you?

I've never noticed anything like this, but perhaps I'm just too thick to notice everyone judging me...

Join the PTA, thats what I did, still friends 20 years later.

My dc have attended two schools. One in a predominately middle class area where most people had moved in to the area. One more working class where people had mostly been born there. There are very strong friendships (since their own school days) in the second school which feels like a clique. However I’ve found the second school mums less judgy than the first - though often that’s just a feeling based on whether you think they think they’re better than you!

I don’t reallly talk to the mums at the gate not because I’m judging them but because I’m quite shy and reserved.
If someone spoke to me I certainly wouldn’t ignore them but I’m unlikely to start that conversation.
I’m also not going to be meeting up for coffee etc. It’s hard enough finding time to meet up with my existing friends what with work and helping my mum on my days off.
Sometimes people are just busy it’s not a reflection on you.

Happens everywhere, first place was a nightmare - just cliquey mums who went to school together or nannies! Next school was like the United Nations (by university) so made friends easier due to lots of new people all the time, plus they were "like us" unlike the bitchy mums at the first school. So pleased my youngest is at 6th form!

Some of the people you are calling cliquey maybe just want to talk to their friends. That is okay, they dont have to include others
This

It can be hard to break into new groups - people aren't necessarily being unfriendly or judgemental, they may just be feeling a bit shy and awkward about dealing with a new person too.

I've not been at the school gates much, so don't really get talked to when I am, but I just feel that's because I'm not there much, not because anyone dislikes me or is badmouthing me.

You know what I find. The majority of people are lovely. Just because your rich, doesn’t mean you’re an arsehole, just because you’re pretty, doesn’t mean you’re a bitch, just because you have friends, doesn’t mean you’re cliquey, just because you wear Lululemon doesn’t mean you’re a yuppy. We all just muddle along as best we can, and sometimes just getting through the day yourself is enough without worrying about everyone else in the playground.

Five minutes at drop off and pick up is not the time to expect to start and sustain new friendships.
You might be able to start a conversation with a parent on their own waiting like you. But shortening your way into the middle if someone else's conversation is odd.
Get involved in social activities, OR A quiz night's, helping with the school disco, chatting at a child's party. Then you will have a connection that can be built upon.

I’ve never found school to be the place to find like minded people, all you may have in common is your children. I drop and go! I know a couple of mums from my children’s friendship but I don’t stand and talk to them at school, I have work to get to.