Is 3 yo DS lack of friends usual?

[Luluuuuuuuuuu85]

Hi all,

My 3 yo ds (3 in November) is very loud and boisterous but not particularly sociable. He has an older sister and they play brilliantly, and he plays with his cousin very well too. My concern is that when I take him to play groups, parties etc he doesn’t seem to play with the other children there. He’s happy to play on his own with what he wants to play with, rather than being drawn to games others are playing. This is the complete opposite to my daughter, who would always play with others and talk about her ‘friends’ from a young age. He’s always happy to go to these places and doesn’t seem intimidated at all. He’s been going to preschool since September and rarely mentions any of the children there and will tell me he plays on his own if I ask. How should I encourage him, if I need to at all, to interact more? Or is he likely to do this more as he get older? TIA!

I wouldn't worry about it my DS also 3 is the exact same he's happy with his own company when it comes to nursery,playgroups etc (I think it's because me and his dad are the same) but we found taking him to do things he asked to do for example football club he asked to go so we arranged sessions and he's made friends through that which is nice. I think some kids are just quieter or more content with their own company than with big groups

Thanks for the reply. I actually went to the preschool to help out last week and he didn’t play with any children then, he was perfectly happy. Me being there obviously changed his behaviour! I asked the staff if I should be concerned and they were fairly neutral about it... He actually said to me today that he didn’t speak to anyone and he wanted to play on his own. I suggested he played with other people and he said no he didn’t want to! I’m still not overly happy about it tbh, I’m not sure how to address it

That must be very hard for you to see OP. Is there any child he likes? A friends kid? Someone you could invite to your house for an hour?
He’s only 3, at that age they’re happy enough with what’s theirs, and not having to share.

At his age parallel play is common. He may not seem to be playing 'with' anyone but does he seem to be playing 'alongside' others?

My oldest boy was like this at that age . I genuinely think his younger brother taught him how to play together . At the age of ten he definitely has friends and people he cares about , but he is still very self sufficient . In my eyes it’s just part of his personality . I’ve never worried about it . If your son seems uncomfortable then maybe it’s a problem , but if not then maybe it’s just part of who he is .

At that age they mostly play alongside eachother. Nothing to worry about OP.

I had the same worries. My son just turned 4 and he's now starting to learn other children's names and play with them a bit. I think it's just very strange for them but in general they figure it out

Y eldest was like this. He's making friends now he's at school although it's still not best friend territory. Ds2 (2.8yo) already has a best friend and plays with him and others properly, whereas ds1 just played alongside.
It's fine. Playdates with a like minded child are a good way to get them to make friends.

Both of mine were fairly indifferent to other children at that age. Sometimes they play with others and sometimes they played alone. They definitely weren’t sociable children.

At just 3, I think that the key social skill he needs right now is not to be anti-social. What I mean is say he likes the look of a toy that someone else is using, what would he do? He wants to go down the slide. Does he know the rules like wait your turn and wait until the person at the bottom has gone?

It's fine to play sociably alongside peers imo (parallel play). Some kids have excellent skills so can approach another and initiate a game while others learn by watching and recreating that when they are a bit older. I'm guessing that having an older sister means that he's got someone who will initiate games automatically

Thank you again for the replies. As I said, he’s perfectly happy and it’s me who has the issue! He doesn’t have any problems at preschool- follows the rules, will play at the same table as other children and will share things with them etc. He just plays what he wants to play with and doesn’t seem to think about playing what others are playing. And he says he doesn’t want to play with the others! He does talk about children occasionally and refers to them as ‘preschool friends’ but doesn’t seem that interested in them really!

He definitely knows how to play, we play at home and he will lead the game and he plays with his sister and it isn’t (always!) just her bossing him around. A lot of people say this is a boy thing though I saw lots of boys playing together at preschool. Most of the children played alone for the majority of their time there but most played a game with another child at some point. I just had my son sat on my lap giving me kisses most of the time

Aww, try not to worry. If he’s happy that’s the main thing, he clearly likes to play sometimes so he sounds confident in taking part if it’s something he wants to do.

My son was like this and still is, aged 6. He is currently being assessed for autism but I think he is at the higher functioning end. He is empathetic and can show affection and form relationships but with a few select people only! He is, oddly, quite popular st school-lots of other children accept him as just ‘him’ and consider him a friend. He has two or three other children he describes as friends but he can play well with others now. His school have been absolutely amazing-they have so many strategies to improve his social skills and understanding.

I don’t think he shows any signs of autism (apart from the lack of friends ) but I suppose only time will tell. He’s not had issues with communication or sensory issues and we have never had any issues at home with interaction. At the moment I’ll have to see if he grows out of it. The preschool and his childminder have not suggested any underlining reasons for this and it is me who had brought it up, not them! Creating problems with Dr Google...

He's still very young to play properly with other kids, they are also young. They are just playing beside one another at that age. My DS is 3 and has in the last few weeks started to initiate imagination games involving others but he has learned that from his older cousin. She is rather bossy and forced him into being the monster, grufallo, daddy or whatever from a young age he's now copying that behaviour himself but if he didn't have the older role model I think he'd be happy enough just himself. Try not to worry, as long as he is kind to others, takes turns, shares toys (as much as 3 year olds can!) That's the main thing.

I think that’s entirely normal for a three year old. I noticed the last months that my son was going to a play group that he and the other three year olds tended to parallel play without paying any attention to one another, while the four year olds who were heading to school the following year played as a gang. Those solitary three year olds are now rampageous six year olds running around the school yard in groups.

Your son sounds lovely OP. My sons had help with social skills in Reception but that's September 2020 for you so don't worry.

My ds was exactly like this. He was still parallel playing when he started reception. Now, in year 4 he has a small group of friends and although he finds it harder to make friends and doesn’t have the social skills of my dd, who is quite outgoing, he is completely fine and manages happily at school and in life in general.

Yip. My son was the same at 3. He was about 5 when he started having "friends" and even then he would still have the odd day when he didn't play with others. He's now 9 and has lots of pals and play dates and sleepovers BUT still occasionally likes to be alone "to think".

You could encourage some closer friendships by invited another around for a play.

Sent post too soon...

Yes encourage friendships but also just accept that some kids are happy to be alone. Only if it becomes a problem for him should you start to worry.

All my boys were like this at 3. One of them has an ASC and has many friends, this is a common myth for autistic children. But at 3 he wasn't happy or settled at all in a setting with lots of other children. He found it overwhelming. The other two just got on and played with what they liked, just like your son.

Totally normal at that age, and in fact part of normal child development.

Children are very self centred at that age and don't really have a concept of the need to 'make friends'. Even when someone is playing a similar game, they will still do their own thing (parallel play). Then as they get older they start to realise that others might have common interests to them, and that things are sometimes more fun when you do them with someone else, so will start to connect with the children who have similar interests and form those bonds. And then, you will hear them start talking about particular children more and more and there are the friends!

Even at the beginning of Reception there is often still quite a lot of parallel play going on until they start to figure each other out, especially if they didn't all know each other from nursery.

This is the complete opposite to my daughter, who would always play with others and talk about her ‘friends’ from a young age.

But even this may not have been proper 'friendships' and I think girls are often socialised to make these relationships from an early age (even the Lego is called 'Lego Friends!'). Whereas boys are just left to do their own thing a bit more.

That's my take anyway! But overall, at just turned 3, I don't think this is a concern.

Sounds normal unless you have other concerns. He is early 3 and as PPs have said children tend to play alongside rather than with others till around this age. DGD has just starting to play with other children at 3.5. Up till then both children would just do their own thing in the same room. Now they will have little chats and play with the same toy together. Every child is different and there can be a difference between the sexes too in terms of language and social and emotional development so as long as DS is playing with toys, starting to develop imaginative play, imitate other children and adults , point at things and is generally happy I’d not worry. I’ve worked in nurseries and it’s not at all uncommon for children to still be playing on their own.