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Swotting up on newborns - yay or nay?

38 replies

yikes89 · 07/01/2019 17:00

Hello!

I am pregnant with my first baby, and don't really know any other mums or babies!

I just wondered if you'd recommend reading up on as much as possible, going to every antenatal class going etc - or whether all of this stuff actually just goes out the window once your baby is born?!

There are so many books, websites, classes to choose from - it just feels like so much information!

Also - if you have any recommendations for the things that helped you most (books, forums, classes, etc) that would be really helpful!

I've signed up to an NCT class and have no

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yikes89 · 07/01/2019 17:01

Oops - pressed send too early!

I've also bought Clemmie Hooper's 'How to Grow a Baby...' - but so far that's all!

Thank you! X

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Wallsbangers · 07/01/2019 17:39

Well you wouldn't buy a car without doing some research first would you?! Wink

I think it's good to be aware of what's going to happen and I like really practical stuff. I liked the NHS emails (and I signed up my husband too) as they were nice and factual. I had a couple of books while I was pregnant about pregnancy, birth and life with a newborn and went to NCT which was useful to prepare us (as parents to be and as a couple), I know it gets mixed review though.

Top tip is don't buy all the stuff: babies just need something to wear, something safe to sleep in, something to eat and you!

yikes89 · 07/01/2019 19:24

Thank you! If I'm anything like I am with deadlines in general I'll be blasé about it until the week before my due date and then try to panic read the whole 'Pregnancy' section in Waterstones!

Thanks for the advice about buying things - again, SO MUCH you can buy, it's hard to know what's necessary and what's utterly useless! X

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ps1991 · 07/01/2019 19:29

We’re due our first baby in two weeks!! I’ve just been reading bits and pieces off the Internet, mainly from Pinterest, and looking at youtube, I like Emily Norris’ vlogs. My husband has two books ‘pregnancy for men’ and ‘commando dad’ I have found that these have been pretty informative and more to the point than I think any books aimed towards the mother would be.

Obviously we don’t know how much of the stuff we have read will come into play, but I figured blogs/vlogs are lots of personal stories which I seem to be able to take onboard a bit more.

We were turned against nct classes as we were told they only give info on straight forward births or focus on socialising rather than practical info. We went to two nhs antenatal classes and tbh I didn’t think I was told anything I hadn’t read, although it was good to hear it from a local midwife who knew the hospital I will be giving birth in!

ElyElyOy · 07/01/2019 19:45

I went to the NHS antenatal classes (they weren’t very relevant but I’m glad we went) but that’s it. No books, no NCT nothing.

I do more research for holidays and cars than for my baby: but that’s because every baby is different and I learnt from him. If your after a social support network then go to NCT: all my friends who went loved it, but it’s not my cup of tea.

I only brought the bare minimum for my son (picking up the Moses basket on the way home from hospital). With everything so easily accessible these days I didn’t see the point in buying things until we needed them. Other than a safe car seat, pram and that’s it! We didn’t even get clothes until he was born because he was early so we ordered them online the day he was born and picked them up the following day. Same with nappies and wipes: one pack of each (and used cotton wool and water for months in the end).

Do what feels best for you :)

Stormwhale · 07/01/2019 19:53

If you are planning to bf, I would definitely advise you to read up on that. I would recommend the Facebook group 'breastfeeding yummy mummies' even if the name of the group is awful! I would also very much recommend 'the food of love' by Kate Evans. It is a fantastic book which has really helped me get my head around breastfeeding.

The rest is really just instinct. Babies don't need to be forced into a routine, follow their lead and respond to their needs. You will learn their cues for hunger, wind, needing changing, tiredness, just by spending time with them and trial and error!

Hunkyd0ry · 07/01/2019 20:00

I was told that you can read as many things as you like- your baby won’t have read them! But it can help you feel prepared.
I used to read Clemmie Hooper’s blog for the birth stories. But didn’t read that many books. DH had commando dad and that was great!
I did the NHS classes and the breastfeeding one was brilliant. Lots of little hints that really helped.

Nothisispatrick · 07/01/2019 20:01

I found nct really useful. I didn’t read any books though, NCT is about discussion and you ask questions. I found books to be more single focused and you can’t ask questions.

moredoll · 07/01/2019 20:08

We went to NCT and found it helpful and continued to socialise with them after DD was born until we moved out of the area. I'd recommend it.
My husband has two books ‘pregnancy for men’ and ‘commando dad’ I have found that these have been pretty informative and more to the point than I think any books aimed towards the mother would be.

That's a curious comment. Most pregnancy books are aimed at both parents. The focus is on on the mother because she's the one who's pregnant.

SnowdropFox · 07/01/2019 20:21

I found books, apps and websites such as the NHS, mumsnet etc much more helpful than online vlogs, forums etc. So much outdated and incorrect information shared. People have good intentions but are sometimes quite off the mark, for example saying that you should start weaning from 3 months when the advice is now for 6 months to allow baby's gut to mature.

Blondemother · 07/01/2019 20:32

I did NHS antenatal classes including 'active birth' and a breastfeeding one, all pretty informative and run at the hospital I was delivering at so nice to get familiar with the place.
I did NCT coffee mornings to make friends. If you have any near you I would highly recommend - there was a mixture of mums with babies and mums with bumps and I'm still in touch with lots of them 3 years later.

Once baby was here I read a few library books for ideas on sleeping, keeping calm, weaning when the time came. Like a PP said - every baby is different so take each challenge as it comes to you and don't worry about reading everything!

One book I bought and kept referring back to was 'The womanly art of breastfeeding' by Le Leche League. It was helpful as it covered all the stages of breastfeeding, from newborn through the months to toddler and beyond. Helped me know what was normal and keep my confidence when things were hard! Obviously one to avoid if not breastfeeding!

Lavendersoap5 · 07/01/2019 20:43

It’s no bad thing to read up!

But prepare yourself more for the baby and not the birth. I centred entirely on the birth with my first and assumed the baby would be a lovely sweet joy. I needed more preparation for how the baby part would go! The birth was just a day!

Births are almost all vaguely hairy - despite all those blogs and nct folk telling you yours will be a thing of beauty and that you’re entirely in control. Maybe not everyone would agree with me on this: but my advice about birth would be - accept that you don’t actually have any control on how it will go and - if you can - get the epidural. (I wanted a home birth, I did hypnobirthing, hired a birthing pool etc, so I am well aware of the other rhetoric. My births have all been alright considering, but would never consider labour without an epirdual now Grin)

Nct etc was ENTIRELY useless, except for the phone numbers of the other mums-to-be who did it. I learned nothing that helped me. It was a lot of misinformation about how magical birth can be and how natural breastfeeding is - implying it was easy, which it isn’t. But I met some nice new people who I hung out with most days for a year.

Learning about how babies grow and develop and see the world, in their first year and beyond, can help you empathise with what your little one is going through.

Another tip to help you get prepared: if you’re planning on going back to work when the baby is nine months or one year, find a nursery and put their name down. Might sound bonkers, but in some areas - if you don’t - you won’t get the nursery you want.

Congratulations! My first pregnancy was one of the most special, exciting times of my whole life.

yikes89 · 07/01/2019 20:48

Thanks so much everyone!

I'm definitely hoping I can make some pals in the NCT classes - even if end up forgetting everything I'm supposed to be learning!

I'll definitely pick up one of the books on breastfeeding as it's something I definitely want to try but am aware that it can be really challenging.

And I'm definitely going to reconsider my purchases! You're so right - it's so easy to get anything as you need it these days, just makes sense to wait and see (apart from the essentials obviously!)

Will 'casually' shove Commando Day in front of my other half, but he's very confident that the whole thing will be a walk in the park and he'll know exactly what to do when the time comes! 

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yikes89 · 07/01/2019 20:53

Oh god - I've just seen your comment about nurseries! Hadn't even thought about that yet... better get researching! X

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DiaryofWimpyMum · 07/01/2019 21:16

I used to buy all the pregnancy and birth magazines monthly. I was obsessed with them but they had lots of tips about newborns and what you actually need. I really enjoyed my times being pregnant and reading my monthly magazines.

BertieBotts · 07/01/2019 22:54

Just a disclaimer I've been parenting 10 years and I'm a bit prone to overthinking - take from this what you want.

I dunno about reading and stuff. I loved reading and stuff when I was pregnant but as for whether it made me more prepared? I don't know. In some ways, I think I was lucky that I went down a rabbithole of attachment parenting stuff, since it did prepare me for what newborns tend to be like and want, and gave me "permission" if you like to do things like co-sleeping, hold the baby all the time, breastfeed every hour of the day etc, and I think if you've been reading more routine type or "baby manual" kind of books they often give off the air of "If you just follow this procedure exactly then your baby will sleep and be angelic and if you get it even slightly wrong then you've doomed it and it's all your fault" when really, the baby hasn't read the book and doesn't have a clue what's going on because it's all bright and noisy out here and why the hell are you shhhhing me? And I think those books can absolutely set you up for failure (or at least feeling a lot like a failure).

OTOH. A lot of attachment parenting books, especially those which were out 10 years ago (I think modern ones are a bit better? Maybe?) have this air of superiority, of "Our way is soooo much more enlightened than the mainstream parenting way" and set you up to feel like you're in some weird attacked camp. Online AP groups don't help this perception, and I got really stuck in that mindset for years and years, and it really blocked me from being able to take on board advice from different angles and mindsets and as a consequence I really walled myself in to using specific things which fit the "method" rather than working out what felt right for me and what felt right for my child - it was a bit nuts. I was also feeling really out of place in a lot of parenting contexts because I was a young mum and I didn't really know what I was doing as an adult let alone as a parent and my only real context for life was school - so in hindsight, I was trying to get an A+ at parenting by reading books - and parenting DOES NOT work like that.

What is helpful - read about facts, not methods. If you want to breastfeed, read everything you can get your hands on about how breastfeeding works, but ignore everything which tells you things like how often and how long and in what position, because these things are largely irrelevant. Read the books which are hugely AP and the books which are sneered at by the AP crew and the random book you find at the library and feel around and see what consensus you find and you'll develop a sense of what's good information and what's a load of rubbish and where to double check when you're not sure. And don't expect any of it to be of any use in the first 24 hours after birth. It doesn't help then - you're too frazzled and you need to ask your midwives, but it will help later, and it might help to make sense of those first 24 hours later on, especially if they don't go well.

Read about normal child (especially infant, neonatal) development and what to expect. If you understand why they are doing something infuriating it doesn't always make it easier, but at least it means you're less likely to try some bonkers method which is just likely to make everything worse. It does help you keep things in perspective and might give you a clue when it's likely to get easier.

Anything that tells you what is normal or what to expect is likely to be helpful.
Anything that tells you what to do is somebody's opinion, and should only ever be treated as a suggestion, because it might not work for you. Unless it has a "why" behind it and that "why" is backed up by good evidence - but even then the evidence is usually better information than the what to do anyway.

I have read a ridiculous amount of parenting books and the best are these, IMO:

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Also the Little Kids one - which might be best to start with - but either of these you can put off for now)
The No Cry Sleep Solution (the Newborn one is also lovely and more immediately relevant, I'd probably wait for the re-release of the original because I think she's going to write out some of the "AP camp" stuff.)
Birth Skills (but do the exercises!)
The Food of Love (but other BF books are also useful, if the cartoons aren't your style, and you can also get away with websites)
What Mothers Do - If you buy no other book - just buy this and leave it by your bed and when you're having an "I'm a total failure" moment open it at a random page and read.

Websites:
Kellymom - weird name but top notch on breastfeeding info
The Lullaby Trust - safe sleep guidelines
BASIS infant sleep - more researchy, in depth info about safe sleep and normal sleep

Lots of people like the Wonder Weeks app - but take it with a pinch of salt. If you've been using a pregnancy tracking app, don't bother with the baby tracking ones which follow on - they are not as good.

Do a paediatric first aid course if you can. Ask your midwife.

Most important preparation tip: Find a group of mums due at the same time as you, within 2-3 months is ideal - IMO NCT or similar private (small group) antenatal is invaluable just for this - if you don't want to, try courses like NCT Early Days/Bumps and Babies, coffee mornings for pre-crawlers, breastfeeding support group, baby massage or even the bloody NHS weaning talk and then STALK EVERYONE, um, I mean, suggest setting up a Whatsapp chat/Facebook group/group text/group email chat to "keep in touch" and then be the pushy one who follows through on it. If you cannot do this locally then join your MN birth month thread, but ideally you want to do it locally as well. The moral support of everyone going through the same things at roughly the same time is fantastic. Your husband won't get it quite like other women do. Your friends without kids won't get it at all and your friends with older kids will have forgotten as they are not in the intensive period any more and you will feel like you are bothering them. You need a support group.

TimeForANameChange19 · 07/01/2019 22:57

You should see if there is a Bump and Baby group about.

SlB09 · 07/01/2019 23:02
  • Nct for pals or similar, make sure someone sets up a watsapp group or something pre birth, invaluable for me.
  • listen to ben fogles wifes podcast about what to expect think & feel in those first days, really factual & honest, great resource.
  • the rest you'll basically wing it as you go along!!!
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 07/01/2019 23:10

I really enjoyed 'Expecting Better' by Emily Oster. The only pregnancy book I read that felt like it treated me as an adult with choices. No prescribed rules about coffee, alcohol, fish - just data based info from proper peer reviewed studies, so you can draw your own conclusions.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/01/2019 23:21

We just did the Irish version of NHS antenatal classes, and I read about 25% of What To Expect.

The rest of my info came from Mumsnet- I didn’t feel under prepared, I was surprised how much of it came very naturally and instinctively (and I’m not a particularly maternal person).

Hoping to do a bit of BF this time (dc2) so I’ll check Kellymom over the next few weeks.

Rafabella · 07/01/2019 23:37

I joined an NCT group back when I had my DS. Loved it. We kept a social group together too after all the babies arrived. I remember, on recommendation, buying the contented little baby book only for my community midwife to tell me to do myself the biggest favour and throw it out - which I promptly did. We were absolutely fine too as a result. Sure read up - but don't stress about someone else's version or opinion on what do to with a new baby. It will all make sense when he or she arrives. Good luck! Smile

yikes89 · 07/01/2019 23:37

@BertieBotts thank you! Some great advice in here. I'm not particularly forthcoming IRL so I'll work on that to make sure I go to all the groups and absolutely hassle people to meet up etc!

Breastfeeding books / support sounds like something everyone agrees on, so that's my next stop.

Thanks to everyone else too - so much interesting info and advice! X

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SpoonBlender · 07/01/2019 23:45

Just one quick tip - don't buy everything new when you can get it quarter the price on ebay. If you have the energy you can sell it all again when DC grows out of it for about the same money. It's horrendous spending £200 on clothes for the little darling to grow out of them in a month!

Rafabella · 07/01/2019 23:51

Very true @spoonblender. Wise advice. Also, there's all manner of nonsensical baby equipment out there - you don't need half of it. Honestly you don't. Get the basics and carefully consider the rest. I laugh at what's available now - totally unnecessary. If I had to do it all again. I wouldn't buy half crap I had. My DH and I still laugh at the junk we bought thinking we needed it!

Sashkin · 08/01/2019 02:00

I went to the NHS classes, and read some stuff on here about what you need in the first few days (cot, nappies and babygros, basically). I planned to BF, so didn’t bother with bottles or perfect prep machines etc, but I did end up hiring a pump when I got home from hospital so DH could do the first morning feed and let me catch up on sleep. See how things go with that, they are all next day delivery so you don’t need to decide pre-baby.

I actually found that I had loads of “is it normal when my baby...” type questions that I would never have anticipated pre-birth. “Are babies meant to make those weird noises?”, “how do I fix sticky eyes?”, stuff about cradle cap and other rashes.... so I just googled it as things came up. I was given a baby health booklet by my health visitor with stuff about feeding, sleeping and basic health things like coughs, colds, rashes etc. And read stuff on here (most questions have been asked at some point).

Another helpful source of info was baby classes. I went to a Mum&Baby pilates class which included a coffee session afterwards and the mums of slightly older babies were incredibly helpful. Same with baby swimming - we all sat around feeding our babies afterwards and swapping tips. If you don’t fancy those, the local children’s centre ran free stay’n’plays and breastfeeding cafes which were really a flimsy cover for offering support for new mums.

The learning curve is steep, but by three months you’ll totally have the hang of it!

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