Daughter has started her period - she's not coping well. Help!

[threekidshelp]

My daughter is 13 and is having her first period. I thought she was coping well. We've talked openly about periods for years, she's had a kit ready for ages, been desperate to start because most of her friends seem to have and started two days ago.

All seemed okay-we bought some more pads, she tried a tampon but didn't like it. It isn't a heavy period by any means, but she went for a sleepover last night and got panicky, didn't sleep much. Today she's been saying how much she hates it. Bought different pads, give her an easy day, lots of fuss. Nighttime again and she's hysterical about how she hates the feeling, wants her childhood back and can't sleep.

I don't know what to do. It's so different to my experience which was starting the day of a holiday, trying tampon with KY jelly and getting on with it. I'm sympathetic - it is weird and not as exciting as you think it will be. But she's completely overtired and not being rational and she needs to sleep.

Do I keep on being sympathetic and "baby" her a bit or get a bit firmer? Cuddling and reassuring hasn't helped her calm down. I sound useless - and that's how I feel, to be honest. It boils down to her being grossed out by the feeling of blood coming out really. She had cramps yesterday, but ibuprofen and wheat bag sorted them and she has really pretty light flow - not much on a pad.

Any experience of a really tough time with first period?

Poor little love. A lot of girls feel as she does, she will get used to it in time (we all do), and she has a lovely, sympathetic mum.

TLC for a while.
for both of you.

I did.
I didn't actually tell my parents I had gotten it because I was so embarrassed. I tried to take care of it on my own. But 11-15 was the toughest time, everything was changing and I loathed it.

Let her mourn her childhood. Feel free to baby her. It does suck and she literally has to do this for, probably, another 35 years or so.

Give her time

To be honest I think the sleepover wasn't going to help at this point. She sounds overtired and emotional which is fair enough. Things may seem better when she's had a good sleep.

I would stick with the tlc. The poor love can’t help it, remember her hormones are probably running riot I would wait until it is over for a calm chat and just try to get her through it for now.

You know, and we know this is the beginning of many many years of a monthly bleed. You know your daughter and how to help her through her first period . Yes obviously sympathise , but personally I wouldn't mollycoddle - it happens to 50% of the population during their fertile years .

Thanks for being kind to us! She's just come down and we've had a huge hug. I've told her it will get easier. She's upstairs again, with my husband this time. I have to be very, very honest and say that part of it is me feeling scared that this will dominate each month but it is all very new and it might be quite different next time.

Stay sympathetic. It’s not like you can do anything to stop it. It’s horrible when your dd doesn’t cope well with it even when you’ve done your best to prepare her but it is something she is going to have to comes to terms with.

My dd started when she was 11. She was in denial for months. She hid soiled underwear in her room which was how I found out she had started. She thought that she was sick even though I had talked to her about periods. She refused to wear sanitary towels for the first couple of periods, wouldn’t even entertain the idea of tampons and would not carry anything in the way of sanitary products. She eventually came to terms with it but not before she was ready.

It isn’t pleasant but it’s going to be part of her life from now on and she will get used to it.

It's totally trying to find the balance between "it's normal, here's a good quality of stuff to have manageable periods and painkillers" and yet not, after she's settled into it a bit, making such a big deal of it that it becomes a huge issue.

My dd started in the middle of a swimming gala, nightmare really but she got on with it. She struggled with tampons at first but being a swimmer she had to perservere until she got it, which she did. My advice is also to give her time, be there when she needs you. Oh and buy cheap pants!

One thing that’s surprised me and is so different from my experience, is that dd and her friends are very open about periods.

Why do you think this reaction will happen every month and it’s not just due to the “first time”?

I fear it will be like this every time- in reality, unless she becomes actually phobic, which is highly unlikely, it is unlikely to be a long term reaction.

Has she tried cloth pads? I find them comfy for sleeping?

Also my Dd wears shorts under jammies if she goes to a friends to sleep x

Maybe tell her everyone feels paranoid about these things and staying out. It can be uncomfortable but maybe explain maybe take it easy. Journal, snuggle and avoid sleepovers for Now

Is she worried about leaking at night? If she's struggling to sleep?

My now 13 yr old dad started at 10
I knew she was going to be an early starter and bought her a basic book to look through but also talked openly about it.
We went together and picked day and night time sanitary towels etc etc.

I explained everything but in a positive way as in it's perfectly natural and that tummy ache may well be a part of it sonstocked up on the right pain killers and a good hot water bottle.

She handled it really well and I gave sympathy each month when she had tummy pains or back pains or was just hormonal and tired/emotional etc etc and normally a bar of her fave chocolate the hot water bottle and a dvd of her choice.

It's never stopped her doing practical things and pe and swimming etc etc.

It takes them a while to adjust op but your dd will eventually.

I think thicker pads will help her - the thin ones are not wedged in enough if that makes any sense at all and it's the sensation of dripping that she's reacting to. I've done the logic of a little blood loss feels like a lot, and I think she's calming to sleep now. Gah-I should have said no to sleepover but the last thing I wanted was to make it seem as if you can't do stuff when you have a period. Backfired 🙄

Sympathetic and lots of cuddles and chocolate. She’ll get the swing of it, and I know myself I’m way more hormonal and irrational around my period. When she’s over it (less hormonal) have a chat and see how you both can make her feel better for next month.

In hindsight, I think the sleepover was probably a bad move whilst she was trying to navigate her first period, but then it's always easy to see that from here. Of course she might have been fine.

Would period pants be a way to make it easier for her?

I wouldn't worry too much. I didn't take to my period too well and hid underwear because I didn't want to face it. I got over it. She will too, just keep offering sympathy and don't rush her to be ok about it, it is a big deal and whilst some take it in their stride, some need a minute.

I think it sounds like you are handling it well, I'm sure it will get better. Another vote for maybe considering some cloth pads, especially for night. I wish I had started with the sooner, they are ace. My dd hasn't started yet but has her own small stash ready. There are so much less clinical, and come in pretty and if you want, cute, patterns are soft fluffy fabrics. Somehow they seem less full on and adult. More like a teddy

I HATED my periods with a passion, I can vividly remeber it just feeling so unbelievably unfair that this was my life now and i couldnt just go swimming, or be comfortable, everything was so scratchy and uncomfortable, smelt different urgh.

I got used to it in time, but i certainly felt like id been robbed - reminding her that periods will only last for a few days once they settle may help.

Poor baby! DD was 10.5 when she started. She uses tampons (she's a rower), and is so scared of leaks and stains. Don't push the tampons though. Treat her tenderly, lots of TLC. I know it's a part of life but it's still shit.

Have a look at Thinx/Modibodi etc. Could be useful for busy days?

Not really addressing anything here except the part about feeling robbed of your childhood! I felt this IMMENSELY, and looking back I really wished my parents had just told me that it WASN’T the end of my childhood- that I very much had a good chunk of it left! My body was changing but that’s ok- I was still a kid and I didn’t have to change any part of me, I was just learning a new function of my body. There is definitely a sense of innocence gone and change which is scary and sad, but nobody needs to grow up yet

Try getting some special tighter undies for period days. Think briefs rather than shorts! You can get lovely ones in primark no need for granny ones! If the pad is tighter against her she won't get that dripping sensation. As for the rest just remind her she's still your baby ❤️

@nighttimenope YES!!!!

A sleepover in the first night of her first period probably wasn't the best idea, she's probably over tired now which won't help! I didn't tell my parents I had started for ages hid pjs and knickers for a good few months. I was just scared. Lots of hugs and reassurance and she'll be fine. I also couldn't get tampons on for a long time, get her a range of pads and see what she's comfy with.