Daughter has started her period - she's not coping well. Help!

[threekidshelp]

My daughter is 13 and is having her first period. I thought she was coping well. We've talked openly about periods for years, she's had a kit ready for ages, been desperate to start because most of her friends seem to have and started two days ago.

All seemed okay-we bought some more pads, she tried a tampon but didn't like it. It isn't a heavy period by any means, but she went for a sleepover last night and got panicky, didn't sleep much. Today she's been saying how much she hates it. Bought different pads, give her an easy day, lots of fuss. Nighttime again and she's hysterical about how she hates the feeling, wants her childhood back and can't sleep.

I don't know what to do. It's so different to my experience which was starting the day of a holiday, trying tampon with KY jelly and getting on with it. I'm sympathetic - it is weird and not as exciting as you think it will be. But she's completely overtired and not being rational and she needs to sleep.

Do I keep on being sympathetic and "baby" her a bit or get a bit firmer? Cuddling and reassuring hasn't helped her calm down. I sound useless - and that's how I feel, to be honest. It boils down to her being grossed out by the feeling of blood coming out really. She had cramps yesterday, but ibuprofen and wheat bag sorted them and she has really pretty light flow - not much on a pad.

Any experience of a really tough time with first period?

It's so good that you were prepared and had talked about it so much. It makes it more normal for her.
I started when I was 9. My parents weren't prepared for it that early. I hadn't learnt anything about it and I hated it. I cried so much and begged my mum to take it away as I didn't want it. My mum also only had giant pads and tampons that I couldn't wear. So I had to spend the next day at school waddling wearing a giant pad until my mum could buy me better fitting pads.
If your DD is worried about leaking at night, as well as wearing a night time pad maybe give her a pantyliner to put at the back of her knickers. That way it gives her better protection and peace of mind. And yes to tighter underwear to keep everything in place.

Get her to watch some YouTube videos of ladies talking about their first period.

I remember just disliking the sensation the first time but was ok after that. Think if you just reassure her that now she knows what to expect that next time will be easier and thats its natural to find it all a bit strange. I think if you make a big deal if it then she will too. Im not saying dont be sympathetic just not make too big an issue. At least she has confided in you.

My DD started at 12 yrs 3 months. A year in now and she still will not countenance the idea of tampons. The first pads I bought were specific ones in the little blue floral bag (either Lilets or Tampax). She hated those, as you say, I think they are so small and light, they don't feel secure. Now we buy the supermarket own brand long night time ones and she is much happier. We still get leaks though so have got a mattress protector back on the bed and even an old folded cot sheet or old towel under the fitted sheet sometimes. Takes a lot of the stress and worry away and gives a better night's sleep.

In the day, she has slimmer daytime ones but still not the slimmest, they feel too flimsy. We also bought a couple of packs of supermarket black knickers just for periods, so if she has any small leaks at school, it's not obvious when changing for PE etc.

DD enjoyed going to town and choosing a small zipped pencil case type pouch (Cath Kidston/Paperchase etc) for her school bag. She always has a few spare pads in there and a spare pair of knickers and a plastic bag if needed. Hasn't ever needed the spare knickers at school but it reassures her. With all this she has become very confident about managing it all herself. I haven't had periods for years (Mirena) and when I did had always used tampons so this was all a big adjustment. We also bought one of those small lidded bathroom bins purely for the soiled pads. I'd always been used to flushing tampons so agai was something I'd not thought of.

Now she moans about periods occasionally but after the first couple became very stoical really. It is such a big adjustment and scary to see that amount of blood when up to now they've always associated blood with being cut or hurt. But by period 3 or 4 I think you'll see a change. in your DD too. Hope she is happier soon!

It sounds like you are doing everything a good mum should do.
It's a bit of a shock to the system (remembering back to myself & then DD1) at first. As a parent it seemed so unfair & I felt quite angry with life that DD1 was only 11, as I hoped she could be period free as long as possible. However DD1 appears to take periods in her stride (albeit gets quite annoyed with them). I just keep her bottom drawer stocked up with 'knicker stickers' & 'cigars' as we call them. (Yes we do also use their proper names pads & tampons)

poor girl. My DD started at age 13 and I never once considered tampons as I hated them myself and being a virgin they are uncomfortable. Hot water bottle, paractemol and relax! Its a tough time for them. My DD is now 15 and still uses pads but is chilled but gets quite bad pains and i have brufen at the ready

Maybe a mooncup would help? I know it might not feel right to introduce more 'equipment' but it would certainly do away with the feeling of blood dripping out. Maybe a few months down the line.

Does she use YouTube, someone like Precious Stars Pads might be good for her to watch - young woman who reviews sanitary protection, she's very straight talking and sounds kind.

Bless you all. So helpful. I think, being very honest, and unusually, I thought I'd done a good job of preparing her. We'd even talked about what it might feel like, lots of stuff. So I'm a bit rug from under my feet! Ah well. She's asleep now and hopefully will feel better tomorrow. Going to look up cotton pads.

Even now at nearly 30 I hate the feel of my period when using pads. Things that help me are wearing briefs, with a thick pad and then making an upside down 'T' shape with the horizontal pad going accross your bum cheeks at the bottom of the usual pad position. Sounds crazy but it just stops me feeling like it's going everywhere and going yo leak. Hope your dd doesn't have a too bad of a time.

Oh poor girl. I hated mine, too, with a passion. I agree with a lot of pp that the first few years are the worst.

I wouldn't have thought of it myself but apparently there are some mentesual cups suitable for use by even very young women so that could also be an option to look at?

Bless her. I wouldn't let her stress about using tampons, they can be difficult to insert when the flow is light. Lubricant is useful for insertion. If she can't insert the tampon, it doesn't matter. Keep reassuring her that every girl goes through this and although it's not pleasant, it does get easier. Maybe try a variety of pad and/or tampons, there is lots to choose from on the shelves. Perhaps let her choose some, after all it is her body. Black knickers are useful as well during a period. Evening primrose, magnesium and vitamin B6 is useful for PMS and cramps. Feminax is a good medicine for menstrual cramps as is a hot water bottle. Ibuprofen is also good.

I hope this helps :)

I agree not to push the whole tampon issue but if she really wants to use them stress to her that they don’t go “upwards” and to gently push towards her bottom at an angle if that makes sense.

I don't think starting periods is something which requires TLC, chocolate, cuddles and sympathy. That's just giving the message that it's something horrible when it's just a fact of life you have to live with.

I was very matter of fact with my dd, showed her what to do, bought her lots of different pads and tampons to try, shared my own experience and then let her get in with it. She's been absolutely fine, managed to use tampons on the second or third one and hadn't had any problems or meltdowns about it.

Fresta, everyone is different. Great that approach worked for your dd, but doesn't mean it will work for others.

Don't worry too much OP - there's probably some hormones going on there too which is making her emotional.

My daughter started at 11 and struggles with bad period pains. But she now knows what to do - we all did get used to it didn't we? And in my teen years towels were awful bulky wedges.

I'd leave tampons for a while yet though and just let her try a range of towels. My DD didn't bother with tampons till she was nearly 18. Putting them in freaks them out a bit.

Phew - dd had a much better night's sleep and is more rational today. She also caught up with a friend and they chatted about it all. Turns out friend has really heavy periods so dd is grateful that hers wasn't like that. She admitted she'd been a bit over emotional about it last night!! All good. Fingers crossed for next time!! Thanks for all your supportive comments. Really, really helped. 🙂

Good that she has calmed down now. It's a shock no matter how much they want to be like their friends and start periods. I was nearly 16 so was desperate to start but when I did I didn't tell anyone for a couple of months until I had to (couldn't find pads in the house). Dd was 11 and cried the first night saying she didn't think it would be like that. She also leaked the first time, so now she puts a bath towel under her for the first few nights every month. So do I. Dh gave her 50 quid when she started - bless him, he didn't know what to say to her. That helped soften the blow

Just to say the bath towel is under her while in bed :-)

Started my period today myself, and my boyfriend is driving 52km to my house after he’s done with work to give me a cuddle and rub my tummy 😂😂 I’m 30.

What on earth was PP talking about with no tlc or sympathy? Periods are the devil! Our hormones are fucking with us, we have cramps, life seems rough! Nobody ever died from too much tlc.

Op, delighted to hear she’s a bit better today.

Update! Now three periods in. She doesn't like them (who does?) but is coping well and they have got lighter. Still not managed a tampon but no fuss and taking painkillers has helped to stop cramps before they really get going.